I am at a precipice. I keep worrying about things I have no control over. Do you guys do this? I try meditation, I try praying, but nothing is bringing me to The Present. I am locked in a state of future forecasting. I feel like I will never break free of it and it is bringing me down. And I am SO TIRED. So damn tired. My body and mind are exhausted. I slept almost 10 hours last night and I’m still tired! I went to my neurologist who ordered my Sleep Study, and she wanted to give me pills to help with sleepiness. Wasn’t the CPAP machine I am spending $20 a month on supposed to be doing that?

I don’t know, I don’t feel good. I am trapped in this rehab with all these rules that are stifling me. We are all on Building Restriction for the next two weeks, and I really wanted to see my mom and dad for President’s Day weekend. Also, I won’t be seeing my husband, which is paining my heart greatly. The rings his mom sent me are coming in the mail that weekend too; I really hope they don’t get lost or someone steals them – this is a homeless shelter after all.

I don’t have a lot of trust and I don’t have a lot of faith. I am faltering, falling off a mountain of my own making. I had all the freedom in the world two years ago and I threw it all away. God is punishing me and it doesn’t feel like I will ever be forgiven.

I am hopeless.

I am useless.

I am shattered.

Stay Tuned.