When the Future Doesn’t Look as Bad as I Thought

Have you ever felt that you’ve been working so hard, and you aren’t getting anywhere? That life in this day and age is at a standstill? Eggs are $8.00. Bread is $6.00. I mean I never thought I would see this day.

It’s been 2 years since I have been free. Freedom is something we take for granted. I used to live in an internet world, typing my life away and living behind a screen. Then I was thrusted into real life. Falling headfirst into booze and drugs, I found myself facing the things that addicts and alcoholics face: jails, institutions and death. Even though I have cheated death so many times, I have faced jails and institutions the past two years and honestly, it feels good to taste freedom again.

I have watched my life in mirrors of destitution when it came to my parents. My dad’s anger and alcoholism led to heart attacks and diabetes. My mom’s negligence of her health led to cancer. And now for the first time in my life my parents are making plans for when they pass away.

It may seem like a sad and dismal prospect. But in my eyes, I see hope. My dad told me today that he wants to take my husband under his wing and teach him his construction business. He wants my husband to have a future which begins with him leaving him behind his leaving behind his legacy. This will give my husband the purpose he needs and the father figure which he has been desperately craving all his life. Most of all, it may well keep him out of trouble and focused.

I will soon have a place to live after my court case is over. I have support I never thought I had before. Two years ago, I was on the floor of a county jail thinking that my life was over. God showed up in a way that I wasn’t able to see at first. The miracle is about to happen and I’m ready.

Scratch that, every day is a miracle.

Be grateful, that’s my new mantra.

It’s something to prepare me for a life of humilty.

Keep coming back, it works if you work it.

Stay tuned.

Why I Still Struggle with My Outer Beauty

What does it feel like to look in the mirror in the morning and hate what you see? What does it feel like to think you’re the most disgusting person on the planet? This is me. No matter how much my husband tells me I’m beautiful I still suffer from low self-esteem that stems from within.

Where does this come from?

Why do we do this?

I think in recent years, it has become more acceptable for us to just hate yourselves. We aspire to reach these models of humans we see on tv and in videos, and not to mention all the crap that’s on social media. So, even though I have learned a lot of acceptance of myself over the years, I still struggle when I look in the mirror.

The fact is, I have never felt beautiful. Case in point, I tried to take a selfie today and was immediately disgusted with my picture that even the $179 I spent at Sephora couldn’t fix. And another case in point, lip gloss is now $40, what in the world is happening?

We live in a world where a billion-dollar rocket explodes, and everyone cheers. We live in a world calling yourself a “woman” can be offensive to someone. We live in a world where it is acceptable to beat yourself up for the sake of “appearances.”

I am frustrated with the world as well as myself.

I struggle with my outer beauty because everyone around me is more beautiful than me.

That’s the absolution that I have to accept.

Maybe one day I will feel differently,

God Willing.

Stay Tuned.

Breaking Free

Has there ever been a defining moment in your life when you’ve felt relief beyond reproach? After two years of bondage, I am finally free. In two days, I will be moving out of the rehab/homeless shelter I have been living in for the past 13 months. Mind you, this is after 10 months of jail previously. It has been a harrowing two years to say the least.

I had never appreciated freedom before that. Being able to come and go as you please, spend your money how you want, even having relationships that weren’t “concerning” to others. I have been under a microscope for so long, I don’t even know what it’s going to be like to be on my own, but I welcome it.

My bipolar has been under control for the most part because I haven’t seen the inside of a hospital in a little over a year. I will be going back to speak at one the hospitals I was in, Triangle Springs in NC, tonight, to give back to those who need hope. Telling my story gives hope to so many others because after jail and rehab, I have a car, I am employable, mentally sound, and am looking forward to my own place. Well, an Oxford House with three other ladies, but at least it’s no homeless shelter with 80 other women.

I never realized that alcohol was my problem. I figured if I just took my meds I could keep my bipolar at bay, but mixing pills and drinks just made everything worse. I wonder how my life is going to be now. My husband is still in a psych ward awaiting his charges and I go to court in August to face mine. So much has happened since this nightmare unfolded and now I am finally moving on and breaking free.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

The chains are broken today.

Stay tuned.

What’s Meant for You, Is Meant for You

I never understood acceptance. Have you ever experienced a real acceptance? Not just acknowledging something, but truly accepting it? Things have changed in my life so much in the past five years. I went from existing, drinking, no direction or just being institutionalized, to jail then rehab. I have never experienced real friendships or healthy relationships; I’ve never accepted true purpose.

Today my bipolar is manageable. I am nearly 2 years sober from drugs and alcohol, I don’t even smoke cigarettes. I have a new freedom that this bipolar rollercoaster has brought me to. I am finally on cruise control. And all it took was sobriety and the most important thing for the insomniac manic bipolar person: SLEEP. Sleep is so important to people struggling with mental health issues. I have bad sleep apnea on top of it. The miracle that has happened since getting my CPAP and being sober is unbelievable.

Looking back on other blogs, and some of the other craziness I used to write about is so eye opening. This life is so bright now. What’s meant for me is meant for me, no turning back. I want to say that if you’re struggling with whatever it is in life, that there is hope. The darkest days of my life on the floor of that jail cell is just a thing of the past today. Purpose comes with surrender, and strength comes with perseverance. The lessons I have learned have prepared me for what is to come, and it looks so bright and hopeful today.

Peace comes when you let it in and accept where you are.

I love you today, as I love me, just in case no one else told you.

Be bold. Be brave.

Even just for today.

Stay tuned.

Lara Croft – The Tombraider in Me

So, for today’s daily prompt, I feel more compelled to be a video game character from my youth. Back when graphics weren’t the best, my 2D version of Lara Croft on the original Playstation’s Tombraider, was heaven to me. I played for hours, solving different puzzles and learning more about history.

I’ve had a love of Indiana Jones for as long as I can remember. So, when they came out with a female version in a video game I fell in love. The movies followed of course, but nothing beats the original Lara Croft. I went on to collect various statues and things of Lara over the years, and even though I wasn’t a real fan of the Angelina Jolie version or the other new version that came out a few years ago, I hope the franchise gets reinvented properly.

But for the 90s version of Tombraider, it will always have a place in my heart of hearts.

Especially making those impossible jumps!

Stay tuned.