Tag: love

Big Changes Ahead

On By inspiredodysseyIn Life3 Comments

How do you handle change? Is it nerve-racking and causes anxiety? Or are you genuinely excited? I am in the mix of both because I am moving. I have finally graduated from the rehab program I’m in and I am now in the process of transitioning out. March 4th will make a year I have been here, and I think it’s time that I go.

I am scared, nervous, and excited. I am venturing into a part of North Carolina that is rural where I am worried that my ethnic background could cause a stir. However, I feel that is all in my head because the members of my house have been very kind, welcoming, warm, and friendly.

I have been worried about the job front too. I don’t know if employers will overlook my arrest record, so I am hoping to wait till April 4th when I go to court and get my charges dropped to have those records expunged. I don’t think I will be able to find a decent job with how things are now, even though I did get lucky with that one employer in recovery who wanted to give me a chance, but ultimately didn’t.

So, here I go. 45 minutes away from where I’m at now, to the country. I am moving to a brand new house, so at least that’s a plus. Also, it is a Christian-based recovery home, so it will be the type of structure that I have been needing along my recovery and spiritual journey. Never would I have seen this as a possibility from the floor of that jail cell two years ago. I have come so far thanks to the Grace of God.

Wish me luck!

Stay tuned.

On the Precipice of Greatness

On By inspiredodysseyIn workLeave a comment

There is a mountain to overcome. Have you ever been at the edge of something great? That you knew something was on the horizon for you? That’s where I am at today. This morning, I had an interesting moment when I woke up falling into despair. God spoke to me and said, “just get through the hour, just get through the day.”

That was all I needed.

I helped a woman plan a budget today, and it was an exhilarating experience. Being of service to someone and having their face light up because I helped them, brought me great joy. There is a purpose as to why I’m here.

The jobs I have been applying for have been dead ends. I don’t know what I will do about my record or how I will even get a job to leave this rehab, but I will keep trying. I feel like I am on the edge of a great moment like something is going to shift and I will be presented with a new opportunity.

This morning I realized someone stole the notebook I had in which I had written out my entire 4th step, (part of my 12 steps of recovery as per the Big Big of Alcoholics Anonymous). If you’re not familiar with the steps, the 4th step is a rigorous moral inventory of the people who have wronged you and what your part is in those resentments. It’s pretty deep and extremely personal, and someone out there has all that information about me now. Then I realized, maybe that person really needed a notebook, (there is a really bad shortage of supplies and books here), and maybe they needed it more than me for their classes. That’s the grown-up way of thinking about it, the mature way of letting my 4th step out into the universe and giving me a chance to do it over, perhaps catching something I missed the first time around.

Today has been a good day, more positive than it has been.

Trust in Him, and Trust in Yourself, the Truth eventually comes to Light.

Stay Tuned.

Not Enjoying the Moment – Living in the Past/Future

On By inspiredodysseyIn Life3 Comments

I am at a precipice. I keep worrying about things I have no control over. Do you guys do this? I try meditation, I try praying, but nothing is bringing me to The Present. I am locked in a state of future forecasting. I feel like I will never break free of it and it is bringing me down. And I am SO TIRED. So damn tired. My body and mind are exhausted. I slept almost 10 hours last night and I’m still tired! I went to my neurologist who ordered my Sleep Study, and she wanted to give me pills to help with sleepiness. Wasn’t the CPAP machine I am spending $20 a month on supposed to be doing that?

I don’t know, I don’t feel good. I am trapped in this rehab with all these rules that are stifling me. We are all on Building Restriction for the next two weeks, and I really wanted to see my mom and dad for President’s Day weekend. Also, I won’t be seeing my husband, which is paining my heart greatly. The rings his mom sent me are coming in the mail that weekend too; I really hope they don’t get lost or someone steals them – this is a homeless shelter after all.

I don’t have a lot of trust and I don’t have a lot of faith. I am faltering, falling off a mountain of my own making. I had all the freedom in the world two years ago and I threw it all away. God is punishing me and it doesn’t feel like I will ever be forgiven.

I am hopeless.

I am useless.

I am shattered.

Stay Tuned.

Hollow to God

On By inspiredodysseyIn LifeLeave a comment

I pray, and I am Hollow.

I have a God-sized hole in my heart because you aren’t present.

I miss the way you were with me in jail because I felt you then, especially when you said, “Walk with Me,” and I did.

I don’t feel you in my life today; it feels empty and pointless.

My heart is Hollow, and my life is Hollow.

I wish I could talk to you and feel something, why is all this emptiness so consuming?

Recovery isn’t for me, I don’t get what they are preaching, and I am not buying what they are selling.

I read the Big Book, and I did the classes, but I just don’t belong.

I am going to leave out of this place an alcoholic, the same way I came in.

I have nothing but Fear in my Heart and it grows larger and larger every day.

I wish I could let you in, I wish I knew where to begin.

I am lost, I am Hollow.

I wish I knew You, I wish you knew Me.

Be my friend, my hands are open but my stubbornness holds me back.

This is a prayer and a groveling request.

Please come into my life, I need you, I am Hollow.

I am selfish and self-centered and that’s why you punish me constantly.

I am Hollow.

Please Find Me.

Stay Tuned.

Lost Passion

On By inspiredodysseyIn LifeLeave a comment

I used to be a Vibrant Scripturient. Writing used to be my passion. The words used to flow like diamonds in the sky trickling down on the Earth during a twilight evening. I can’t find my grip, I can’t find my place. I am lost in an abyss of duty and responsibilities. Is it wrong that when I was a bum living in my parents’ house, my muse was ever-present in my life?

I am battling my demons in this rehab. I want to get out so bad, but where am I going really? To an Oxford House? Is that any better? I mean it will be more rules and I probably won’t get my own room. I will have to research it first. I want to get my court case over with so I can expunge all the unpleasantness attached to my name. My reputation is ruined, my credit is shot, and I’ve lost my drive when it comes to my words.

I am forever a future forecaster that can’t stay in the present – everyone at this rehab sees it. I can’t accept the day as it is, even though it’s a beautiful day outside with the sun shining brightly. My mind is a rollercoaster of unhappiness and I am in such fear of telling anyone because they will insist on a “meds evaluation.” I am bipolar so I am always up and down but I don’t want to be anyone’s experiment anymore.

I just want to be free.

I want to live.

I want to be happy again.

I want to be inspired so my passion comes back.

God, please help me.

Stay Tuned.

The Most Relaxing Day of My Life

On By inspiredodysseyIn LifeLeave a comment

Describe your most ideal day from begining to end.

On this day, I would do absolutely nothing but relax my mind, body, and soul. Easy peaceful music with a drive to the beach with a picnic basket in hand. It’s a bit chilly, so I would have a blanket and some coffee in a thermos with a nice large turkey sandwich so I can take a nap listening to the breaking waves.

I would then wake to my notebook, where I can write my thoughts down and reflect on an amazing day. I also won’t forget my daily meditation for my sobriety and prayers for the day as well. God is with me in all aspects of this peaceful day.

Ideally, my husband would be home by the time I got back, and we would enjoy a lovely dinner followed by a night of lovemaking before I lay my head down on the pillow.

My greatest accomplishment would be that I allowed myself to be at peace and in harmony with the world on this day, that I left my phone on my nightstand and didn’t look at it all. It also showed me how grateful I am to be alive to be able to enjoy a day like today.

Stay tuned.

Miracles in the Abyss – What Life is Like Now

On By inspiredodysseyIn loveLeave a comment

Two years ago, I sat on the floor of a jail cell, crying, because my life was over. Or so I thought. When was your life-changing moment? Did it define your future? That floor defined me. I sat there and asked God to hold me in His arms and see me through, and He did. I am in this rehab now about to face the next chapter of my life, and I am excited and scared at the same time.

Romantically, I am worried. My husband talks about smoking weed, but I know that will probably lead back to a cocaine and crack habit. I am hoping with all my heart it won’t lead down that road. I am also online chatting with a lot of different guys and learning about how much I actually love my husband. I have waited all my life to be in love – I remember reading my old blogs and seeing how far this quest for love has taken me. I used to obsess about so many things. My weight is one of them. I thought that if I just waited to lose weight and find a guy then I would be able to go back to work and get my life in order. These were unrealistic expectations and unrealistic goals. I think most of my life is based on unrealistic goals, compared to where I am at now.

Where I am now, life is a lot clearer. I know that I want a career doing something meaningful. Since I have a record now, (well at least an arrest record), I can kiss my career in Human Resources and Finance goodbye. I am looking into Peer Support or something I can do to supplement my disability income.

Life has new roads ahead for me now. I am no longer hiding in my parents’ house, searching online for Mr. Right to find me and sweep me off my feet. I have a real relationship now with a man that loves me completely, and a future that is bright and hopeful.

I hope wherever you are and things are bleak in your eyes you hear this message that it will get better. God only gives you things that you can handle. No more, no less.

Stay Tuned.

A Hopeful Future

On By inspiredodysseyIn work2 Comments

So, in the midst of depression, how do you get out of bed? Why is everyone so tired these days? Are we all Post-COVID burnt out? I really want to believe there is more to life than this, but I feel like all anyone wants to do these days is just sleep their lives away. Life is hard, these obstacles aren’t going away and with At-Home work being the thing now these days, it seems everyone is just getting lazier and lazier.

I fall into this category too. The idea of going back to work scares me more than I can say. I am having a hard time adjusting to a life in which I actually have to be responsible for myself. I have lived under my parents’ roof for so long, I have forgotten what it is like to be self-sufficient. I had a job interview today and I am so scared of what will come up in the background check. That’s another mountain I have to climb, and what a mountain it is!

Through all this though, I am hopeful. I no longer have the desire for alcohol, something which I never was able to get rid of. It had hindered me for so long while I let my bipolar disability consume me. I could have had a career a long time ago, but I just wanted to lose weight first which was something so stupid, even though it didn’t look like it back then.

But now, it’s a new me, a new future, a new beginning – and it’s very hopeful.

Stay tuned.

Lemons into Lemonade

On By inspiredodysseyIn LifeLeave a comment

I am a rampant procrastinator. I have watched this whole day go by without accomplishing the things I set out to do today. I believe there us only one cure for this: self strength.

Self strength is a new concept I’ve thought about as being better than self reliance or self will, but more like something that’s got to come from within myself to win this battle over my laziness and procrastination. The truth of the matter is all I want to do is sleep, and that funk I’m in has become a daily thing. How do I get out of it? Self strength. Basically pulling myself up by my own hair and forcing me to get up and out of bed and do what I’m supposed to do.

Self strength will be my new mantra and how I can turn these lemons in my life to lemonade.

How do you find your self strength? I would love to know.

Stay tuned.

Reading a Damn Good Book While The Rain Falls…..

On By inspiredodysseyIn daily prompt3 Comments

What do you enjoy doing most in your leisure time?

One of the things I have missed out on the past twenty years is reading, I mean really reading, like a novel. Paperback. Hard Cover. Eff this staring at a tablet or screen nonsense! I mean actually smelling the pages. Turning the pages and savoring every moment.

Out of all the things I am grateful for that happened while being jailed for 10 months, was the opportunity to read a total of 43 books. I read almost a book every few days and I loved every minute of it. Being in this rehab afforded me that luxury too. Since we weren’t allowed phones or the internet, I got to read even more books; getting to know authors like Nora Roberts and Lee Child. These opportunities brought me peace and excitement I hadn’t had in a long time – and even now that I have my phone again and television, I find myself resorting back to the paperback books that are at my disposal.

But the best? The ABSOLUTE BEST is reading during a thunderstorm. I have found so much peace listening to the rainfall and engrossing myself in a good book. It is my favorite pastime so far.

Do you like to read during a good rainstorm too?

I would love to know.

Stay tuned.