Category: Life

Big Changes Ahead

On By inspiredodysseyIn Life3 Comments

How do you handle change? Is it nerve-racking and causes anxiety? Or are you genuinely excited? I am in the mix of both because I am moving. I have finally graduated from the rehab program I’m in and I am now in the process of transitioning out. March 4th will make a year I have been here, and I think it’s time that I go.

I am scared, nervous, and excited. I am venturing into a part of North Carolina that is rural where I am worried that my ethnic background could cause a stir. However, I feel that is all in my head because the members of my house have been very kind, welcoming, warm, and friendly.

I have been worried about the job front too. I don’t know if employers will overlook my arrest record, so I am hoping to wait till April 4th when I go to court and get my charges dropped to have those records expunged. I don’t think I will be able to find a decent job with how things are now, even though I did get lucky with that one employer in recovery who wanted to give me a chance, but ultimately didn’t.

So, here I go. 45 minutes away from where I’m at now, to the country. I am moving to a brand new house, so at least that’s a plus. Also, it is a Christian-based recovery home, so it will be the type of structure that I have been needing along my recovery and spiritual journey. Never would I have seen this as a possibility from the floor of that jail cell two years ago. I have come so far thanks to the Grace of God.

Wish me luck!

Stay tuned.

When Things Take a Turn for the Better

On By inspiredodysseyIn Life3 Comments

Has life changed dramatically for you? Or are you still in the same old routine dying for a change? Why does life seem to happen in extremes this way, is it all in God’s Plan? So, as some of you may know, I had been struggling this month trying to figure out what my next move will be. I am in this rehab getting ready to leave, and besides being tired all the damn time, I was having a hard time with my circumstances – the job search was going terribly and no one was willing to give me a chance because of my arrest record.

Then it happened.

The miracle.

My life has not been spiritual at all. I don’t pray, I don’t meditate, I am of the belief of science and never really had a spiritual path. I believe in something greater than myself, yes I do, but do I acknowledge that presence? Most of the time, the answer is no. Things happen in my life that change my views on science though. Certain situations make me understand how much power God really has, and what the term omnipotence really means.

My overall tiredness is caused by my lack of ability to fall asleep. I toss and turn for a while before I actually get some meaningful rest and it makes it hard to get up in the morning. I recently started listening to some spiritual guided meditations and prayers that put me under God’s blanket before I went to sleep each night, and let me tell you, the difference has been extraordinary!

Things turned around on the job front too. My interviews had been going badly because I would mention that I am homeless and I am getting over some hard times in North Carolina. Even being as vague as that has gotten the door shut on me, especially knowing my circumstances are much worse than all of that. During an interview yesterday, I was getting along really well with the interviewer and decided to open up about my recovery journey. It was a bold move, but I felt it was a risk I could take. Not only was he receptive, but he shared that he was in recovery too! We started talking about some of the local meetings, he asked about my sobriety time, and even told me a little about his recovery journey. What are the odds? Look at God! He even said, “interviews usually don’t go this way.” He also asked about my criminal background and when I was honest about my charges, he still asked for a second interview on Friday. I have never been more floored by the Power of God before than I was yesterday.

What I want to say is, (without being preachy), is just Believe. Whatever you’re going through, just know there is a turn around the corner ahead, and things do change for the better.

All it takes is a mustard seed size of faith to believe.

Stay Tuned.

So Infuriated. My Mugshots are the First Thing You See When You Google My Real Name.

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I am so mad at the world. I am so mad at God. Why is it that when I Google some other girls in this rehab with arrest records, their stuff doesn’t show up like mine does? My arrest record and mugshots are on full blast on Google. I feel like I will never get out of this rehab and I will never be able to get on with the rest of my life. In order to leave this rehab, I need to find a job, but how do I find a job with a horrible digital footprint?

I am on my end, I am at my last straw. I feel like I will never get out of this. I am whining and complaining I know, but in order for my charges to be dropped I need a letter of completion from this rehab, but I can’t get a letter of completion unless I get a job but I can’t get a job unless I get rid of these charges. This is a holy hell unholy mess, and I feel like this circle of hell was done on purpose. They say this is God’s work? It’s in God’s timing? Show me how this is helpful?

I am just venting, sorry. I feel like I am in an impossible situation that I can’t get out of. I know I did this to myself, but damn do I have to pay for this for the rest of my life?

Stay Tuned.

Not Enjoying the Moment – Living in the Past/Future

On By inspiredodysseyIn Life3 Comments

I am at a precipice. I keep worrying about things I have no control over. Do you guys do this? I try meditation, I try praying, but nothing is bringing me to The Present. I am locked in a state of future forecasting. I feel like I will never break free of it and it is bringing me down. And I am SO TIRED. So damn tired. My body and mind are exhausted. I slept almost 10 hours last night and I’m still tired! I went to my neurologist who ordered my Sleep Study, and she wanted to give me pills to help with sleepiness. Wasn’t the CPAP machine I am spending $20 a month on supposed to be doing that?

I don’t know, I don’t feel good. I am trapped in this rehab with all these rules that are stifling me. We are all on Building Restriction for the next two weeks, and I really wanted to see my mom and dad for President’s Day weekend. Also, I won’t be seeing my husband, which is paining my heart greatly. The rings his mom sent me are coming in the mail that weekend too; I really hope they don’t get lost or someone steals them – this is a homeless shelter after all.

I don’t have a lot of trust and I don’t have a lot of faith. I am faltering, falling off a mountain of my own making. I had all the freedom in the world two years ago and I threw it all away. God is punishing me and it doesn’t feel like I will ever be forgiven.

I am hopeless.

I am useless.

I am shattered.

Stay Tuned.

Hollow to God

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I pray, and I am Hollow.

I have a God-sized hole in my heart because you aren’t present.

I miss the way you were with me in jail because I felt you then, especially when you said, “Walk with Me,” and I did.

I don’t feel you in my life today; it feels empty and pointless.

My heart is Hollow, and my life is Hollow.

I wish I could talk to you and feel something, why is all this emptiness so consuming?

Recovery isn’t for me, I don’t get what they are preaching, and I am not buying what they are selling.

I read the Big Book, and I did the classes, but I just don’t belong.

I am going to leave out of this place an alcoholic, the same way I came in.

I have nothing but Fear in my Heart and it grows larger and larger every day.

I wish I could let you in, I wish I knew where to begin.

I am lost, I am Hollow.

I wish I knew You, I wish you knew Me.

Be my friend, my hands are open but my stubbornness holds me back.

This is a prayer and a groveling request.

Please come into my life, I need you, I am Hollow.

I am selfish and self-centered and that’s why you punish me constantly.

I am Hollow.

Please Find Me.

Stay Tuned.

Lost Passion

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I used to be a Vibrant Scripturient. Writing used to be my passion. The words used to flow like diamonds in the sky trickling down on the Earth during a twilight evening. I can’t find my grip, I can’t find my place. I am lost in an abyss of duty and responsibilities. Is it wrong that when I was a bum living in my parents’ house, my muse was ever-present in my life?

I am battling my demons in this rehab. I want to get out so bad, but where am I going really? To an Oxford House? Is that any better? I mean it will be more rules and I probably won’t get my own room. I will have to research it first. I want to get my court case over with so I can expunge all the unpleasantness attached to my name. My reputation is ruined, my credit is shot, and I’ve lost my drive when it comes to my words.

I am forever a future forecaster that can’t stay in the present – everyone at this rehab sees it. I can’t accept the day as it is, even though it’s a beautiful day outside with the sun shining brightly. My mind is a rollercoaster of unhappiness and I am in such fear of telling anyone because they will insist on a “meds evaluation.” I am bipolar so I am always up and down but I don’t want to be anyone’s experiment anymore.

I just want to be free.

I want to live.

I want to be happy again.

I want to be inspired so my passion comes back.

God, please help me.

Stay Tuned.

The Most Relaxing Day of My Life

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Describe your most ideal day from begining to end.

On this day, I would do absolutely nothing but relax my mind, body, and soul. Easy peaceful music with a drive to the beach with a picnic basket in hand. It’s a bit chilly, so I would have a blanket and some coffee in a thermos with a nice large turkey sandwich so I can take a nap listening to the breaking waves.

I would then wake to my notebook, where I can write my thoughts down and reflect on an amazing day. I also won’t forget my daily meditation for my sobriety and prayers for the day as well. God is with me in all aspects of this peaceful day.

Ideally, my husband would be home by the time I got back, and we would enjoy a lovely dinner followed by a night of lovemaking before I lay my head down on the pillow.

My greatest accomplishment would be that I allowed myself to be at peace and in harmony with the world on this day, that I left my phone on my nightstand and didn’t look at it all. It also showed me how grateful I am to be alive to be able to enjoy a day like today.

Stay tuned.

Lemons into Lemonade

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I am a rampant procrastinator. I have watched this whole day go by without accomplishing the things I set out to do today. I believe there us only one cure for this: self strength.

Self strength is a new concept I’ve thought about as being better than self reliance or self will, but more like something that’s got to come from within myself to win this battle over my laziness and procrastination. The truth of the matter is all I want to do is sleep, and that funk I’m in has become a daily thing. How do I get out of it? Self strength. Basically pulling myself up by my own hair and forcing me to get up and out of bed and do what I’m supposed to do.

Self strength will be my new mantra and how I can turn these lemons in my life to lemonade.

How do you find your self strength? I would love to know.

Stay tuned.

In the Heat of the Moment – “She’s a Runner, She’s a Trackstar”

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Do you jump to conclusions easily? Do you have a knee-jerk reaction to confrontation? Are you a runner when things get tough? I epitomize the word “runner,” in so many ways that I have to laugh every time I hear the song: “She’s a runner, she’s a track star,’ lol. Things got really tough at this program last Friday, and just as usual I’m out the door. Something definitely has to be done about it.

My dad was very violent and had that knee-jerk reaction too. I grew up in a very abusive household, so I ran every chance I could and that same behavior is showing up in my life today. When I was using a ton of drugs with my husband last year, I used to constantly try to run from him by opening the car door while he was driving, and even ended up jumping out of the moving car onto the highway. Needless to say, I have a very dangerous pattern.

Out of all the character defects, (that’s what they call it in recovery), this runner syndrome seems to be the hardest to shake. When I am down, I am really down, and my depression takes me to a place where running seems like the only option. God, however, had plans for me to sit my ass down this time because no matter how much I’ve wanted to run since I’ve been here, the court system made sure I stayed put. Being mandated here has been the best blessing that could have been bestowed upon me, even though I fought it all the way and absolutely thought it was a curse.

What do you do in the heat of the moment? Do you run? Or do you face things head-on like I wish I could do?

I would love to hear your thoughts.

Stay tuned.

The End Goal is Near And I am Self-Sabotaging

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Did you almost complete something? Have you always started things and never finished them? Have you always quit before seeing it through? This is me, and where I am at today. I was in jail for 10 months in 2021, and I remember the staff telling me, “well you need to go to a program for another 12-15 months.” My world imploded because I thought I could get out on probation.

Well, it’s 12 months later and I haven’t learned anything. I still feel my old self coming through with the same old negative behaviors. I put up a good front, as if I got it and I have it all together, but inside I am dying. I am screaming at the top of my lungs inside my heart and no one can hear me. I am almost at the end of this program and I feel like I am going to screw up and throw it all away.

I am suffering. I miss my husband dearly. We are separated by the system right now where he is in a hospital and I am in this rehab. On Sunday, when I visited him they wouldn’t let me kiss or hold him, and I wanted to die. This is so hard. I keep asking God why this happened to us – and then I realize we did it to ourselves. We drugged, we partied, we thought we were above the law, and now the consequences are so severe we may never recover.

I can’t go on like this. I feel completely ungrateful. I am underserving of all the good that has come out of this program as I am rebuilding my life. Why am I so unhappy? I know why. Because my whole life all I have ever wanted was to be in love. And now, it comes with a terrible price. I am so upset in my heart, I feel like I don’t want to go on even though things are moving in the direction that they should. I keep hearing that “it’s all in His Timing,” but I am tired of being miserable. What’s worse is I can’t even pray anymore because I don’t even believe.

I am trying my best, but I feel lost. I am almost through with this program and I feel like I have a high school senior’s sickness. I am ready to run out the door and go back to jail – why would I even do such a stupid thing? Because I’m bipolar and my highs and lows are so severe I can’t make heads or tails out of it.

If there is a God, please see me through this month, please.

Or at least hold my hand till the end of the day. Please.

Just please someone help me.

Stay tuned.