I’ve never heard more truth in recent weeks, than a line from a song that goes, “That’s what happens when a Tornado meets a Volcano,” because it describes the kind of intensity and dysfunction of my new relationship. I have no business being with this man. He is a drug addict, a street thug, and everything I know in my heart I never wanted. But…..yes, there’s that BUT – the But is: the man loves me more intensely than any man I have never known in my life.
The sex is out of this world. The night we spent in a hotel a week ago, still plays in my mind of how he fucked me four times in one night without even breaking a sweat. The passion and intensity are real, and I wonder: Is it because we are both screwed up in the head the reason there is such fire between us? I am no one to judge anyone’s habits – I have spent the past decade drowning in bottles of Jack Daniels, frequent trips to psych wards, and not making a decent living at anything because I just gave up at life. I am no prize to be had by any man, and the man I loved for a decade always kept me at arm’s length, leaving the door open for this new love to swoop in sweep me off of my feet.
I love him, intensely too. My tears, when I curse at him, yell at him, he doesn’t fight back, which is a plus, he tries to reason with me is another plus. The most I have seen him angry at me is when he said to me: “I am going to put a fuckin’ gun to my head if I lose you, Lynn,” and in all honesty, I believe him. This relationship isn’t what I would call toxic; it is more explosive – our sex, our arguments, our passion, the intensity of his kisses – all of it – brings me back to wanting more and more. Maybe I am the drug addict too – maybe he is my cocaine and crack, and I just can’t get enough of the exquisite pain of this relationship.
He’s promised me that he’ll stop, but I don’t know if I believe him. If I abandon him, it WILL destroy him, so I have to push on and play Russian Roulette with him. He’s only relapsed once or twice in the past two months, so I thank my lucky stars that he isn’t a daily user like I was a daily alcoholic.
I think the fact that we are both damaged makes everything about us and our relationship ridiculously intense.
That and our Sex is on Fire. Literally.