Month: June 2023

Who I am Now as Opposed to Who I was Then….

On By inspiredodysseyIn LifeLeave a comment

I recently came across an old blog from years ago and found myself looking into a backwards crystal ball – me wishing for so much in the future that has come to fruition, but not exactly what I was looking for. That’s God’s little sense of humor, isn’t it? The cornerstone of my wishes of my one and only heart’s desire was to find love, which had been my goal for close to a decade. Not only do I have that great love in my life today, but we are separated by the justice system. What I thought my life would look like, looks nothing like that mirror from the past that I was looking through into my future.

But the person, that hasn’t changed. I still feel the same insecurities, but I am more open to new experiences instead of being shut in as a recluse not leaving my home. Even though friends from the past have long moved on, those relationships don’t feel as pertinent as the once were.

This quest for love had consumed my whole life – since the days of when I was a teenager. I am having dreams of meeting my husband 20 years ago, as opposed to 3 years ago, because I feel like my life would have been much different if we met back then. I know I can’t go back and change the past, I can only work on my future, but I can’t help but feeling like my life is over with this court case.

Any future that I may have seen looks so much different – with horrible charges and an impending doom of a conviction, also with no hope of ever seeing my husband outside of an institution this year. But through the Grace of God, I am making it through. I have a job, I have a nice car, I live in a fairly nice house, I am over 2 years sober with no cravings for alcohol or drugs, my parents are still alive and extremely supportive, and I have friends today that I thought I would never have. My life has riches today that used to be completely bereft of any kind of love and companionship in past years. There is some truth to repeating a gratitude list in your head when you are feeling negative. People don’t have the worries I do, but I don’t have the worries other people do either. Maybe your life isn’t perfect, but at least you’re not facing a conviction. Maybe someone isn’t facing a conviction like me, but they don’t have their family like I do. Is that God’s way of balancing things out? I might be jealous of Jennifer Lopez in every way, but it took her till she was in her 50s to find the love of her life after four divorces. Sometimes, that’s just the way the hand is dealt. I have to keep my focus on the positive before I get stuck in another loop of desolation and self-pity that consumed my 20s and 30s.

The funniest thing is I always thought I was “fat and ugly” back then that’s why no one would love me. Well, I am about 40 pounds heavier now, and can look at myself in the mirror and take pictures and think I am beautiful today. My husband calls me gorgeous even though sometimes I can’t see it, and I find myself dressing up and taking care of myself a lot more than I ever have. Those little victories I am holding onto – maybe this conviction will hold me back, but I don’t think I should stop living life because of it.

After all, there is a lot of me I am proud of today, as opposed to how I was years ago.

Progress not perfection indeed.

Stay Tuned.

The Spiritual Conundrum

On By inspiredodysseyIn daily promptLeave a comment

How important is spirituality to you in your life?

Not as important as it used to be, and I think it’s because of mind numbing medication. There used to be a sort of childlike love and wonder about how I viewed God and the universe, and now it just falls flat. In a world where there is a prescription for everything, it makes it hard for people to actually feel “spiritual.” I feel like this kind of matter-of-factly way of existing these days, devoid of any sort of pleasure or “spirit.”

Although this may sound like the rantings of a jaded person, it isn’t, I just feel empty. Being in recovery has taught me a different version of God, or now, “higher power,” but I honestly think I have been faking it the whole time and I am seconds away from a drink or drug as soon as all this court stuff lets up. Where I don’t really feel like picking up, I kind of need something to do. Other people have real problems in the world, and I am just taking God’s gifts and blessings for granted like some ungrateful child. I don’t feel the need to help anyone, I don’t want to participate in anything, I just want my husband back – being without him is the center of my sorrow.

The sorrow is a lot stronger than the spirituality is for me because it engulfs my very soul. Being spiritual used to be the center of my universe where I would feel the actual Holy Spirit move through my body giving me a great sense of purpose. But jails and institutions have shown me different – the evil that people do to ruin other’s lives is overwhelming, and I feel like my life is over no matter how hard I try and change it. I feel hopeless. There is no spirit, God tries to reach me, but his voice is so faint among all the sadness.

This is my spiritual conundrum.

Stay Tuned.

The Day My Husband Proposed in My Safe Haven

On By inspiredodysseyIn loveLeave a comment
Daily writing prompt
Describe one of your favorite moments.
View all responses

So, everyone has a special place they go to, where no one knows, and you can just be yourself. For me it was a church that was buried in the back of a busy street in downtown Valley Stream, New York. I would go there after therapy for years around 3pm every Tuesday. The church was left open, so anyone could worship in private during the day, and when I went there at 3pm, no one was there. It was just me, in this beautiful building, praying to God to help me find a way out of the life I was living.

When I met my husband, we already had fell madly in love almost instantly. I never took anyone to my special church because it was something private that I shared only with God. But on the afternoon October 24th, 2019, I took my husband there and as I prayed, he lit some candles for us, and then sat down quietly and prayed with me. All in all, it was a beautiful experience.

Little did I know, it wouldn’t end there. Upon leaving the church, and sharing a chaste kiss at the doors, he took me by the hand and said, “He approves, it’s official.” Of course, I said, “what do you mean?” He replied, “God told me that you are my meant to be, my wife.” And I cried.

And even though we have been apart for two years now, I will never forget that day as being one the most favorite moments of my life. Our love is still powerful and strong, even though I have not been able to hold in my arms at night in a very long time. Does true love really exist? I think for us it truly does. He was the man of my dreams for as long as I can remember, and that beautiful moment we shared is forever in my heart and lasts the test of time to this day.

My absolute favorite moment for sure.

Stay tuned.

The Quintessential Necessities For a Good Life

On By inspiredodysseyIn daily prompt, Life5 Comments

There are some would say the basics: food, shelter, a good job and a significant other are what you need for a good life, but the most important thing is purpose. We can collect as many things as we like – that can include people, but without purpose all of it is meaningless.

I have spent a good part of my life trying figure out the important things that make up a good life and I’ve always fallen short because my purpose was always completely self-serving, never giving to anyone else. I have never seen outside my own selfishness of my existence before and now that I am in a position of giving back, a lot of that has changed.

People have their opinions of charity or service work, if you see someone asking for money the automatic thought sometimes is “they will just use substances or drink with it.” However, everyone has a story of where they’ve been and how they are just trying to survive.

A good life comes from satisfaction in your character every day, clearing out all the mess that you may have done in the day and owning up to your own shortcomings. Going to bed with a clear conscience is a powerful thing – because the burden we carry can only be lifted by our own repentance. Doing the right thing even when no one is looking is a daunting task but can easily enrich your life.

Today, I try to purge myself of that urge to steal a little, lie a little, because who would know right? I know, and eventually it weighs down on my soul. This world feels heavy with a lot of unaccountability, but I do know that there a lot of good people out there living really great lives and I just try to be one of them. This doesn’t mean I am really religious, and deep into AA because I am in recovery, but the principles I have learned through jail and rehab is that the behaviors that caused me to go out there and drink and use drugs was the same reason my life was ultimately destroyed. I have a chance now at a great career, but my charges have held me back, and it makes me realize that everything we do in life has consequences. So why not just do the right thing so the consequences are always positive?

Seems like a win-win to me.

Stay tuned.

Feeling Left Out and Left Behind

On By inspiredodysseyIn LifeLeave a comment

Today my boss tagged how well her team was doing, (without me), and a friend I thought was really close to me tagged her best friends (without me), on Facebook. See, this is why I hate Facebook so much. I guess I never really felt “a part of” before, and I thought with having actual real friends in my life, I thought that I would be past all this. It’s like not being a part of the popular clique because you’re the ugly duckling in high school.

My weight is getting out of control too. It looks like I swallowed a whole beach ball with the way my stomach is looking these days. My lower back has been killing me due to this when I sleep, resulting in not enough sleep yet again. It’s so weird, I thought I would feel better being out of the rehab I was in, but now I feel more lost than ever.

None of that will matter anyway, because I will be starting a new job soon in which I won’t have time for no one. I guess the whole part of this post was to get my feelings out and in the open on what it’s like to feel left out. I know your self-esteem can take a beating on Facebook but to be excluded by both work and friends feels pretty shitty. Am I not valued? Am I not worth anything? Sometimes, I wonder.

I have to tell myself that really the only one I can depend on is myself. And most of all, I shouldn’t let my value and worth be determined by Facebook posts.

Stay Tuned.

Midnight Thoughts

On By inspiredodysseyIn love1 Comment

I miss the way you smell next to me at night.

You rolled over and told me I was the sexiest thing you had ever seen.

The red moon last night was like the burning of the heavens because I couldn’t kiss you.

I am tormented because missing you isn’t a strong enough word anymore.

The words of Eckhart Tolle ring in my mind again as a friend reminds me not to think too much of the future.

But here I can’t help, the yearning, the passion, the sheer will of being in your arms is my agony.

One day I will be with you again my love, till then, I will dream, I will pray, and I will wish on all the stars I can.

Goodnight Beloved.