Claustrophic Today – The World is Enveloping Me

I am feeling closed in. Friends are complaining to me about their lives, I am working too much, and I can’t breathe. I am in such a miserable place; I just am sending out a prayer today for me to find some peace.

I had spoken to God the other day when I was sitting outside, and as the breeze brushed against my skin, I felt that He in all his Glory was listening to little ‘ol me. I know speaking to God doesn’t require such a grandiose set of circumstances, but the only way I really feel connected, (and don’t feel stupid), is when I am His presence like that. People always tell me you can talk to God anywhere anytime, but I’m sorry, if there is chatter everywhere, cars driving past, or just general noise in my space, I can’t speak to God, or at least I can’t be honest how I want to be.

That’s how I feel today, closed in, as if I am stifling in a world where I can’t find peace.

I can’t seem to calm my mind enough to talk to God, or it’s just that this world we live in is just too noisy.

I hope to see my parents today; I have never appreciated them as much as I appreciate them now, which is such a blessing to me. Maybe it’s because I am so ungrateful that I can’t find peace. Things like gratitude lists just don’t work for a person like me. I am too mixed up in “self.” Being recovery is teaching me to me more humble, but old habits die hard. I just have to find a way to “be” with God today, instead of forcing a connection under a specific set of circumstances.

God, grant me the serenity – just to know the difference today.

Stay Tuned.

Margot Kidder – Lois Lane in the Original Superman – Her Suicide due to Bipolar and Addiction Still Haunts Me Today

Usually when a celebrity dies, people can be dramatically affected. This is how I felt about the original Lois Lane, Margot Kidder. Her life was full of ups and downs and tragedies like most of Hollywood, but like another iconic character, Princess Leia, (Carrie Fisher), the alcoholism and bipolar spoke to me the most.

This is a deadly combination. I have been dealing with alcoholism since my early teens, and never knew that it was one of the biggest factors in my bipolar diagnosis. My untreated bipolar went on as raging alcoholism for years, until the psychiatrists finally caught me with a net, threw me in the hospital and pumped me full of pills.

But like these iconic characters from my youth, the pills weren’t the answer because it may have treated the bipolar, but the deadlier disease of addiction was the real malady. I am sure Margot Kidder didn’t realize the extent of her alcoholism like many don’t. In my case, I thought if I could balance the medication somehow with a controlled drinking schedule, somehow, some way everything would be okay. Little did I know, drinking and mixing medication was an even deadlier malady than the addiction itself. I found myself in the horrible cycles of mania, which eventually led me to jails and institutions for almost 20 years of my life.

Finally breaking free of these chains, however, the stories about some of my beloved muses still rock me to this day. How was I able to overcome what they couldn’t? I should maybe step on the brakes right there, because I will never “beat” addiction, I just conquer the urges one day at a time.

The most important lesson that I have learned is there is no cure for addiction or bipolar, it is a constant work in progress that the body and mind have to adapt to. There is a science behind being able to cure yourself with mindfulness and living in the present, because I am on less than half of the medication I was on years ago. Some might say, I have an immunity to them now, but they keep the mania at bay while my abstinence from alcohol does the rest.

Even though Margot Kidder died in 2018 and Carrie Fisher in 2017, these iconic women forever live in my mind as sisters in pain for the ailments of alcohol and bipolar that challenge me every day. I amaze myself on a daily basis how I am able to resist the urge for a drink, and my wild streak of wanting to numb my feelings or just party the night away has been lifted.

Sometimes it just boils down to growing up and taking responsibility for your life.

Because when you realize you are worth so much more than a substance you can be free.

And even if it was in a more tragic way, both Margot Kidder and Carrie Fisher are free too.

Stay Tuned.

After 10 Months in Jail and 14 Months in Rehab, I finally Graduated the Program

Today I am a success. I am at a pivotal time in my life where I am not quite free yet, but I am a lot closer to it than I was at the start of this thing. I still have to go to court in August to face a judge, but everything looks good so far. I just wanted to say to anyone that’s reading, that whatever you may be going through, life is how you choose to make it. I am buried in debt, living in a sober living house, minimum wage job, and I don’t know how I am going to eat tomorrow. My husband is still locked up, I miss him terribly and I cry almost every night because of loneliness.

But besides all that, when the crying stops, the miracle happens. I close my eyes, and for the first time in my life, I have a conversation with God. There was this amazing book series that came out ten years ago called, “Conversations with God,” and mainly in it, it’s just the guy having a conversation with his higher power. God is what we make Him to be, who we know Him to be, and let Him take charge. I surrendered two years ago in that jail cell, and my own personal conversations with God have been emotional, empowering and overall – healing.

These days, despite some things are upsetting, and I still cry at the tragedy of my life, I am so grateful, and I do all I can to help others around me. Maybe if things aren’t the way I like it yet, at least I’m not in jail anymore or rehab. Life is what we make it, like I said.

I just know that this was my purpose. I had to go through this so that my story and my experiences can help others. The selflessness that came with sobriety is the most surprising thing that happened through all of this. I am a woman of action today. I don’t think, I do. I move my ass. I don’t lay in bed all day watching Netflix like I used to just 5 years ago. There is a huge difference in existing versus living, and I have been existing for 40 long years.

These days I live.

And I do, not think. Like Yoda said.

Stay Tuned.

Blogger’s Block and Overcoming Overall Fear

So, I haven’t had one thought about what to write about, but I know I want to write something. This ever happen to you? I feel like there is so much in my life that I want to talk about and contribute to the world, but I am always coming up blank.

Every now and then, I would get a notification on my phone that someone new has liked one of my posts, and I’m like damn, well maybe I should write today. I think the best way for me to overcome my blogger’s block is to be free flowing. Just let the words come.

Last night was my graduation at the rehab where i spent the last 14 months of my life. Jesus, 14 months in rehab and 10 months in jail – this was two years of a complete nightmare. And it isn’t even over yet. I have to wait to face a judge. I am not in the clear yet. However, last night the room was electrifying, and I was surrounded by my family and friends as I gave an amazing speech.

My fears are creeping in though. What if I am on probation? What if I go back to jail because the judge isn’t satisfied? And what of my husband? Stuck for an entire year already at a psych hospital awaiting the outcome of his charges, everything feels so up in the air. I envy anyone who has their family and a roof over their heads. I live in this sober living house with all this drama and politics and I wish every day for my own space to breathe.

My biggest fear is that I will fall back into addiction. That if my husband comes out it will be on that path again. I just want to be happy; I just want to be free.

I hope God is hearing my prayers.

Stay Tuned.