Serendipitous – My Favorite Word

I think it’s been my favorite word since I saw “Serendipity” (2001) with John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale. It simply means “happy chance, but can be interpreted as a form of fate or destiny”, something I have always believed in since I was a little girl. Many can argue that we make our own fate – as Sarah Conner showed us in Terminator 2: Judgement Day, but do we really? Are we really in control of our own destinies? What part does God play in all of that? When people say it’s in “God’s Time” or trust God’s plan, is that intertwined with fate as well?

Such big questions. I think serendipitous describes a lot of what transpired in my life between 2019 and now. I met my ex-husband in a psych ward, and the ride we went on through madness, drugs, chaos, incarceration and homelessness, taught me that no matter how much we try and force the hand of fate and bend it to our will, our actions and the deeds we do, directly result in what ultimately happens to us. It is said that angels are jealous of us because we have “free will”, God’s greatest gift to us. But is our will really free? Are the things that happen to us due to our many choices just all random, and not our destiny?

I think about that in terms of Mr. California. I write and think about him a lot these days, mainly because of how much in love with him I am. Was it serendipitous that we met? Did the long nights of tears over my ex-husband, pain and anguish I felt finally break because fate intervened? What made Mr. California message me that one January night? Why did I answer? I will never forget his first message to me – just something simple like “I am sorry you’re hurting, I hope you are able to sleep.” I don’t even know why I answered. but I did, and the heartbreak and grief that I had been feeling for months was lifted into the dramatic love affair that I was suddenly swept up in.

The problem with all of this is, I never got a chance to be single. I never knew what it was like to be completely on my own, feel all the feelings of solitude, loneliness, and singledom. I never got to really enjoy my apartment and all the freedoms that come with it. But, again, in a serendipitous twist that felt like fate, I was hospitalized so traumatically that it broke whatever relationship me and Mr. California had, bringing us to where we are now. These days, I am on my own a lot – there aren’t any more texts, and calls during the day – it is just me out in the world, rediscovering who I am, remembering how much I wanted to be free for so many years, practicing my faith in all ways that I can, and learning to love who I am – all without chasing after a man. I still enjoy my nightly calls with him, and there is lots of fun, laughs and sex, but not on the terms they were on before. This time it’s different, more shaky, more woven in the ways of rebuilding a foundation of what once was.

This is serendipitous new ground. The kind that God wants me to see. And yes, I have my free will – I always did, but the thread of my life that hangs in the balance is no longer dependent on the love of a man, but the love that I have for myself.