Tag: online dating

In Crisis – I Can’t Walk Away Because No One Else Ever Wanted Me.

On By inspiredodysseyIn love, Uncategorized3 Comments

Homeless adult male sitting in subway tunnel, hands on head

My self-esteem is at an all-time low. I have waited and dated miserably for over a decade for a man to come into my life who loves me completely – the only problem is he can’t beat his drug addiction.

I never wanted to date an addict – never – only because I know how hard that road is.  I had left my fiance when I was 19 due to his addiction and selling drugs, and I don’t know, it seemed easier to start over then. Everything seemed easier when I was younger. Now that I’m approaching 40, I have to say that dating had gotten so excruciatingly painful,  I honestly thought I would be spending the rest of my life alone. I don’t want to date, I don’t want to try, I don’t want to do anything anymore.

I really think I am falling into a depression. I am no prize either, I mean with my mental illness and my fat and ugly, pot-hole face and body, who the hell would want me? Am I going to stay in this relationship because I simply think I can’t get anybody else? I am so scared to be alone again that I am risking my overall mental health to be with this person. He can’t stop the drugs, I can’t stop loving him – two sides of this toxic coin that won’t stop spinning on the edge.

I feel like the whole world is rooting against me, I feel that God is punishing me for moving on from that ex-fiance whose heart I broke into a million pieces after he had gotten clean. What if I am not giving my current boyfriend the same chance I should have given that ex-fiance all those years ago? Is this a pattern that seems to have come full circle in my life?

I have been dying for love. My whole, damn life. I have never been loved like this before. Maybe it’s cause he’s an addict and is so desperate for love, that I find his desperation appealing. Maybe I am so damn desperate too, that I would believe anything he says.

I would love to walk away, say fuck it and let him deal with his own issues. But I can’t. I know things could be a whole lot worse because he could be an abuser, cheater or just downright misogynistic, but he’s not. He’s warm, loving, funny, and the man I want to marry, and who wants to marry me. But he can’t beat his addiction and my love isn’t enough. He just got out of rehab and hasn’t given himself a chance to be clean yet – they say it’s all about people, places and things, and I know his environment and the friends he hangs out with contributes to his weak resistance to his addiction.  I want to help him, I want to love him, but I feel so powerless that I can’t do anything for him.

Worst of all, I know everybody reading this will say, “just leave him,” like it’s the easiest thing in the world. It’s easy for ya’ll to judge me when you haven’t been in my shoes. I feel weak, pathetic and unworthy of a good man. I have been waiting my whole life to be loved the way he loves me, but unfortunately, he comes with his drug baggage that has destroyed my inner light inside.

I wish I could die.

This life is just too fucking hard.

Stay tuned.

Approaching 40….WTF??!! Wasn’t I JUST in High School Screwing Around??

On By inspiredodysseyIn bipolar, Uncategorized4 Comments

Kissing+30s+Goodbye

Yup. It’s EXACTLY how it sounds. I honestly don’t know where 22 years just evaporated into nowhere. However, turning 40 isn’t as scary as it was turning 30. What is it about the Big Three-O that’s got everyone so shaken? Everyone, as in women, in particular.

I think for me, it was the fact that I was leaving my 20s behind, and there was just so much that I wanted to accomplish by the time I was 30 that I didn’t. You know, graduating college, meeting the love of my life, getting married, moving out, and so on and so on. The fact of the matter is due to this bipolar curse that was thrust upon me; instead of looking towards the future to acquiring all those things, I was continually being pushed back and back and back, with constant hospitalizations and traumatizations. Honestly? My 20s were a fuckin’ nightmare, and it lasted well into my 30s. I mean it wasn’t like I was poverty-stricken or anything, I was just in mental anguish all the damn time, and I wanted someone desperately to love me. Desperately, I say again, DESPERATELY.

Love was the only thing I ever wanted, and I would have sold my soul for it, sometimes I think that I had with all the creeps I had been dealing with, and The Devil was having his fun collecting his due. But that’s for another time. The volumes of my hypersexuality can wait till I am ready to talk about them – “bipolar slut ” is putting it mildly.

In this attempt to find love, I was doing basically what everyone is doing now – except without the swiping and the apps. I was on dating websites, filling out questionnaires, trying to make the perfect profile, spending hours perfecting the most flattering selfies to post on them, and trying to make myself stand out among all the other relationship-seekers on these sites. Now, we all know that girls get more messages than guys, but what is in abundance of quantity, is severely lacking in quality – much so as it is today. In my case, though, (and I don’t know if you guys are guilty of this too), I never went past the messaging phase, ie. I sat on my computer all day talking to guys and never meeting them. Ugh, no wonder I was miserable.

Why am I talking about this? Well, the sad, sad reality is, that the 22 years between my high school days, and my present college days, (getting my degree now, woohoo!), is that a whole lot of nothing happened. Okay, the drama with the hospitals, manias, car accidents, hearing Jesus and Aliens, and all that good shit aside, (I promise I will let you guys in on some of that insanity), but after all that had settled down and I was HEAVILY medicated, so I came back down to reality – it became quiet…..too quiet. I basically spent a bulk of those years drinking very heavily and screwing around online talking to thousands of guys, in which half of them were probably in relationships or married.

What kind of life is that?

This last hospitalization in 2019 taught me one thing – this shit has GOT TO STOP. Like seriously, I can’t be like a revolving door in a psych ward, come on already! When I got discharged, my mom came to pick me up, and on the drive home, she told me something that has stood with me and has been my driving force to do all the things I’m doing today.  She said, “you messed up the first 40 years, make the next 40 count.” And that’s EXACTLY what I’m doing. I happen to have met the love of my life in there this time around, (go figure), and he has a whole host of problems that I don’t even know how I am gonna handle all his shit, my shit, money shit, job shit, apartment shit, and dammit, grown-up shit! And how am I gonna handle being someone’s wife???!!! ARGHHHHHH!!!!

40 seems scary as hell now.

But it also seems very promising as well.

Stay tuned.

A New Year, A New Decade, And I am Trying My Hardest to Not Screw Up

On By inspiredodysseyIn bipolar, Uncategorized1 Comment

20200101_153756

So this is me. I took a bunch of pictures today in an attempt to break out of my shell and put my best foot forward for the new year. The last ten years have been littered with failed relationships, horrible dates, hospitalizations, bipolar hell, oh, and NO SEX – excuse me but how does one go a DECADE without sex and remain sane??!! And, not to sound conceited, but I am one hot piece of ass, so why the drought you ask?

MEN SUCK.

Sorry dudes, but you do. The horror show of online dating is what I have to show for my 30s, which I am SO GLAD I am not bringing into my 40s. Giovanni ended my no sex drought with a fucking bang, literally, and he wholeheartedly wants to marry me without question. X marks the friggin spot, done and done! But back to my men suck comment. Sorry guys, I didn’t mean it. Not all you guys do. I have met a lot of you who are wading that dating pool who are just as frustrated as we are. Did I mention I was in a hot/cold kind of on and off relationship with my best friend during the last decade of no sex and headache? So yeah, I am no saint mary. BUT I want you to know that IF you are going into the new decade with hopes of finding love in the online dating world – the only advice I would give you is DON’T SWIPE.

Stop the swiping.

Stop it.

Just stop it.

Delete the app.

Coffee meets whoever Tinder said to replace this app with.

Delete it.

Stop it.

For the love of God, stop the damn swiping.

I have to admit I avoided the whole phone app dating process altogether.  I don’t know how I managed it, or in what universe I was in, but I left it alone. I did everything through the PC, oh and Reddit, the black hole of the internet.

So I guess in the world of dating is not what I meant by not screwing up in this new decade. I want a career. Like a real-life grown-up one. I am almost 40 and have been wishy-washy about what the hell I want to do with my life for God knows how long. I about to come into a new chapter in my life, I have a man who wants to spend his life with me, (with drug problems, Jesus it’s never easy), and my family is moving way down South ripping my security blanket right from under me. I have to learn to stand on my own two feet, which ironically came so damn easy for me in my early 20s except, HELLO in 2004 when I was just 24 at the height of my Accounting Career I got slapped with a bipolar diagnosis, hospitalized an INSANE amount of times before anyone got my medication right, therefore KILLING any real chance I ever had of becoming successful.

HOLY FAILURE AND DISAPPOINTMENT BATMAN.

It’s amazing, isn’t it? We can never have it all. I bet you out there somewhere, there is a multitude of AMAZING people, singles, DYING to be in a relationship with the job, apartment, pet, and sane mental health who just feel so alone. Here I am with a man who loves me SO unconditionally, completely, is SO handsome, and accepts me for everything, but I have NOTHING. NO money, no career. And then there are all the celebrities, who have friggin EVERYTHING, but can’t get it together at all. How the hell did Whitney Houston’s daughter’s ex-boyfriend just die of a heroin overdose at 30? Look, I am not saying kicking a drug habit is easy, I am fighting it now with Giovanni, and my alcohol addiction was FAR from pretty – but I don’t know why or how we get so sucked into all this shit. No wonder we fail and disappoint ourselves so much – between drugs, alcohol, doctors, medication and everything else that just kills us on the inside, how are we ever supposed to find success and happiness?

Well, ladies and gentlemen, for 2020 and the dawn of a new decade, I am going to try to find it.  Sober with my fiance – his ass better remain sober too.

I am going to DO IT.

AND SO ARE YOU.

Cheers to success in the new decade!!

 

 

 

Keeping it Together – Addiction and How Being in Love and Bipolar Sucks Horribly.

On By inspiredodysseyIn bipolar, Uncategorized3 Comments

Drugs and Alcohol Addiction

Being away from Giovanni has been more than difficult. He NEEDS to be in rehab because things were falling apart, but what about my mental health? I have been falling apart fast and slow in the days he’s been gone, and with the aching in my chest, I am reconsidering my relationship with him.

Is this the right thing for me?

He has so many pluses in his favor. For one thing, out of all the men in my life, he has loved me the absolute most with such passion and desperate devotion that I have been looking for since I used to dream about Prince Charming when I was a kid.

Except Prince Charming didn’t do crack and cocaine.

FUCK.

The universe brought this man to me – in the worst of places – the psych ward – so I KNEW that he came with an unreasonable amount of baggage. He hid this addiction from me at first, in the fear that I would dump him because, in his eyes, I was the best kind of woman that he had ever been with – of course, I was – I ain’t no crack ho or street trash. I come from a good family, I am educated, and I am definitely employable – BUT I am a bipolar disaster with multiple hospitalizations and can’t hold a damn job for the life of me. So yes, I wasn’t a street ho, but I was still a mess – but to Giovanni, I was Lady Di compared to what he was used to.

In his own way, he was much better than I was used to as well – very attentive, sometimes overbearing, no desire to be online or play video games, has only eyes for me, and is just devoted in a way no man has ever been to me in my whole life. We are both bipolar, (he has some schitzo issues, but Invega shots take care of that), and we both were slammed together in the worst of situations. We are beautiful together, we even stay sober together because we don’t need any of that shit to enhance our relationship – the sex is better, WAY better sober anyway. It’s when I leave him and go home when the problems and the weakness to those street drugs happen because since he was abandoned to a Group Home – all that live there use all the time. He has endured a pattern of failure for a decade, almost as long as I have, and he turns to the drugs the way I used to drown in the bottle. My alcoholism was deep a few years ago- to the point where my mom found me passed out on the floor of the room and thought I overdosed on something – shit was bad.

I kicked my habit by pure willpower – and believe it or not, my parents AND the hospitalizations helped.  I was so tired of being a disappointment to my parents, and when I was in the hospital for months, I was just removed from the daily alcohol, and I just didn’t need it anymore. I am hoping by removing Giovanni from these drugs for a month will snap him out of it, even though his mom thinks he needs three months. Jesus, being away from him for three months, will absolutely KILL me, but if it’s for his sobriety, I will have to give in.

I didn’t want to date an addict. Hell no. But here I am.

It would be so easy to walk away from him if he was just his addiction – but he’s not, he’s so much more – He’s the man I love.

My bipolar madness better give it a rest until January 21st.

Stay Tuned.

Alone on Christmas – Want So Bad to Fall into Depression But I am Going To Do Something Different

On By inspiredodysseyIn bipolar, Uncategorized2 Comments

Take Care of Yourself

I saw this quote on Facebook today, and it really hit home. I spent most of Christmas Eve crying, sleeping, and feeling sorry for myself. Through the stroke of sheer luck and maybe the will of God, I got to see my guy today when I dropped off cigarettes and money his mom gave me to give to him as he was being transferred from one rehab to another. Last night’s drama really ripped me apart inside – because when he called me and said he signed out of rehab and was walking the streets of Queens with all his bags, begging people to use their cell phones to call me and desperately wanting me to pick him up – I truly, truly wanted to pack a bag and just pick him up and drive into the sunset and never look back in the most romantic way possible.

But life teaches us that our consequences will bite us in the ass, which I have learned the hard way with my almost 40 years on this Earth. He is actually 40 years old, which makes me question his thinking, and when his mom kept calling me and texting me not to go pick him and leave him out there, you could actually hear my heart breaking. What I did was convince him to go back inside and work it out with them – he just desperately wants to leave and be with me, remorseful of all he’s done, and where I once thought our love could conquer anything, it can’t conquer his addiction.

I swore to myself I would never date an addict, especially since I abandoned my fiance when I was 19 to his addiction and moved on – I’m selfish and a hard person, and honestly I used to have a real problem with alcohol, so why would I take that on? You know why I am doing this now? Love didn’t just hit me this time – it straight up slammed me right in my face and knocked me over. I truly believe now that we don’t choose the ones we fall in love with – if we are looking, if our souls are calling out to the universe for the one who will complete us and ease the aching in our heart and when we get that true love, life shows us that holding on to that movie love is far from easy. I know I have movie love, only because we both are holding to each other so damn tightly – with a desperation that critics would judge us for – but dammit I fucking love this man and I am going to stand by him.

I’ve come full circle over the past 20 years, and I know that it won’t be easy. I might hate him, I might curse him, he may leave me crying on the floor to go get high – but I am in it for the long haul. Call it blind faith – call it being completely stupid – but this Christmas Eve, I am taking care of me – and while he’s been there and I’ve been waiting by the phone, instead of falling headfirst into a depression in full bipolar form – I’ve decided to write about it, stay active on a support forum, reach out to friends I haven’t spoken to in a while and keeping busy through Christmas. I may be alone without him and missing him terribly, but I did get to kiss him one last time for the next 30 days, and I am hoping he gets the help he needs.

Merry Christmas to you all, and if you have someone special in your life this year, please kiss them and hug them for me tightly – I wish so bad to be with my baby tonight and I am totally jealous.

Stay tuned.

What Do You Do With Your Time??

On By inspiredodysseyIn Life, Uncategorized3 Comments

wasting time

Is it Netflix? Is it gaming? Is it wasting time online in a black hole of Youtube videos? Social media posting? Or just straight-up wasting time on God Knows What? In recent days, I have definitely felt a shortage in time, and I am yet to find out what it is that I am wasting all this time on. I have gotten in the habit of sitting up in bed with my laptop and watching something that I am not really paying attention to and getting lost online in a world of boring chatrooms, or endless forums. I wonder, should I be spending more time outside within the three-dimensional world, rather than wasting countless hours on devices? Have we, as a society, become so hooked on devices, electronics, and gadgets that we’ve forgotten about our fellow man?

There is no doubt in my mind that we have lost the ability to relate to people. If we are not behind a screen, we have no idea how to talk to someone. I don’t have this problem because I grew up in an era where everybody played outside and the only device we had in the house for entertainment was the radio and TV, which absolutely didn’t have a remote control and you had to physically get up and change the channel to one of the seven only channels that were available. A phone call from a boy came in on the only landline phone in the house and you were always excited to hear what they would say. The MOST fun though was when said boy asked you out and you went on a fun date at the arcade or pizza place.

However, those days are long over.

In recent years, I have become fascinated with the online dating culture because I love shameless entertainment, (I find Reality-TV to fake to deal with); I would rather hear real-life horror (or love) stories that capture the heart and imagination. I have spent many hours on WordPress in the past reading about all the online dating adventures of singles from all over the world. Did any of you meet your significant other online? I have to imagine the answer is “yes” to that question because more and more people are meeting their partners online than in the more traditional sense. I would love to elaborate on this but I am going to end up going on a rant on how the whole #MeToo movement has crippled male confidence exponentially to the point they are scared to walk up to a woman and ask her out, buy her a drink or ask for her phone number. People just don’t do that anymore, and it’s just sad. I have bought men drinks and talked to them when I was out and about in the past, and it was always an exhilarating experience. There is nothing like getting an acknowledging smile or handshake when you compliment a person and let them know you would like to talk to them. I try and do that now and all I get are weird looks – go figure.

But yes, time, that’s what we are discussing. I find the fact that we are now in solitary relationships with our phones, entertainment devices, games, and TV, that we are no longer communicating with the outside world. If we are interacting, we are behind a screen sending ridiculous eggplant emojis to let the other person know we think they’re sexy. How awful is that? Let’s not even get into the countless exchange of genital pics, (it has become apparent that “dick pics” aren’t the only scandalous things being shared these days).  I find it so sad that we are just wasting all this time and energy on things that don’t really give us anything back but a shot of dopamine and for every dopamine hit we get, we keep obsessing and going back for more like dopamine drug addicts.

Recently, I learned about an interesting hormone in our brain called oxytocin, which is more commonly known as the cuddle hormone. Every time we feel compassion or caring for another human being, like being affectionate or hugging someone, this oxytocin hormone is released in our blood and can actually help reduce stress in our daily lives. So for all the stress we are giving ourselves when one of our devices doesn’t work, or pulling our hair out because we didn’t receive a text, the best thing for our health would be to visit a real-life friend and spend quality time with them. This is vital to our lifespan and our growth as human beings and the more time we spent apart and locked in a trance of our electronic gadgets, the less human we are, and the more likely we could die earlier than we think.

So instead of laying in bed with your phone, or binging something on Netflix, go outside to a park or even just a Starbucks and sit there – just be around other humans at least for a little while; you never know, you make a friend or even get a date! Okay, that last part seems a little farfetched, but the whole point is you never know, and honestly, you have nothing to lose and a ton to gain.

Stay tuned.

When You Break Someone’s Heart, Karma Will Definitely Find You

On By inspiredodysseyIn love, UncategorizedLeave a comment

ring

Did you ever break someone’s heart and pay for it later on in life? It may not be on purpose, or filled with malice, but Karma makes you pay anyway? I find it serendipitous, (my favorite word), that my ex-fiancé found me on Facebook and we reconnected just last night. Speaking to him offered a lot of introspection and reminiscing, which allowed contemplating my life as it is today, compared to where I have been.

We were young, Felix and I, just 18 and 19 years old – both not having finished high school. He was from the South Bronx, I was from Brooklyn, and let’s just say, we were both survivors because of the roughness of our neighborhoods. The years we shared were such happy ones, and on Valentine’s Day of 1999, he presented me with a beautiful heart-shaped engagement ring, that I still have even after 20 years, (shown above).

She has taken her damage, that ring, and spookily enough she is missing just one diamond, which I think represents the hole that Felix left in my heart when we parted ways. Oddly enough, I was the one who did the leaving, because due to pressures of having money and being a young man, Felix entered a life of crime and went to prison. I, in turn, moved on to much better things and a new relationship by the time he got released.

Which brings me to the serendipitous part. I happen to be somewhat of a superstitious person as well as being very devout. I believe, in my heart, that anything you put out into the Universe, your Karmic Aura, will impact the course of your life. However, I am a huge believer in Free Will, so whatever we do and whatever action we take impacts our destiny. This is the principle that I live by, and I will never follow the path of Tarot Cards and Psychic Readings, but what Felix told me yesterday shocked me to my core.

He told me of a Valentine’s Day sometime around 2002. He was out of prison for a while and I had been avoiding his phone calls for weeks. He decided to surprise me at my job with a bouquet of roses and waited by the side entrance of the building on that faithful day. What happened next was heartbreaking – there he stood with flowers and with a heavy heart he watched me come out of the side door with my current boyfriend at the time, extra happy, all smiles and holding hands. Felix told me that he just watched as I walked off and just dropped the flowers and cried. He said it was one of the most powerful emotional experiences of his life.

Needless to say, I cried myself to sleep last night. What Felix didn’t know was, the guy that he saw me with, destroyed the person that I was. Three years later, I tried to commit suicide over that relationship fallout and what followed was many, many years of darkness. It was a pivotal moment in my life and a heartbreak that I never recovered from.

I prayed last night, and told Felix that I was so very sorry for his heartbreak and so very sorry that I gave up on us because that’s exactly what I did. I was riding such a high back then, thinking that Felix was beneath me because he messed up; I was on some sort of ego trip because I landed a new corporate job and had a new cute boyfriend.

Through it all though, I realized that I absolutely paid for the pain I caused Felix, tenfold. Even now, after all this time, my heart still aches from the memories from those days. What I learned now though, and what I am going to bring to this blog, is all the strength and wisdom I’ve gained and the realization that those events are the reason for all my success today.

Life has shown me that perseverance and dedication are how you take hold of your destiny and that consequences are absolutely real. The Universe will always be fluid, with time, space and actions being constant.

Would I go back in time and work things out with Felix? Probably not. But I do know that I would go back and handle it better. I would at least give him the closure he needed instead of avoiding him to the point of that encounter, and his ultimate heartbreak. We had been through so much up to that point and hearing his words last night affected me a lot more than I expected.

Now though, we both have a second chance at a real friendship. He is married with kids, and I am happy in my almost 10-year relationship. I want nothing but the best for him and I know he wants the same for me.

So here I am today, on this new journey with you and I couldn’t be happier. We will laugh, cry and grow together and I am so glad to be here doing what I love.

And remember wherever you are and whatever you are struggling with, it is YOU who is in control, and YOU always have the power to change and make your life the best it can be no matter what you could have done in your past.

All you ultimately have to do is just:

“Make it so”.

~Captain Jean-Luc Picard

Stay Tuned.

Do You Have Patience??

On By inspiredodysseyIn Funny, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Worf Merry Man

On some real talk now – how many of you press the crap out of your phone screen, click the crap out of your mouse when something is buffering, or bite the crap out of your now, non-existent fingernails waiting for a text message, or ANY message, on all the different platforms???

I know for me personally, I have never been patient, at least these days I’m not. I feel like if I don’t have things “instantly,” I throw an inner tantrum or fit, and it ain’t pretty folks. Where do you think this comes from? Some would argue that we have succumbed to this whole instant-gratification culture, but damn, why the heck do those three dots on my iPhone cause me such stress???!!! ARGH!!!

Anyway, I am learning patience this weekend. I can’t find out about some money coming to me, whether or not my online classes will grant me Lifetime Access, or basically do anything till Monday. So tomorrow I’ll have to suffer. Or maybe not. I am not a gamer, so sitting in front of a Playstation for 12 hours tomorrow won’t work, and I have exactly $11.35 in the bank, so my butt ain’t going nowhere tomorrow either. Maybe I’ll watch the new movie Widows on HBO;  I read good things about it.

I wonder though, what do you guys do, besides distractions, to occupy yourselves? 

If you’re wondering how I am going to spend my evening, I will give you one word:

REDDIT

I’m serious. This is like the absolute blackest, of black holes on the internet. You know what the most fun is though? Messaging someone something utterly ridiculous. 

Case in point:

Message to a strange man on Reddit, Sent 11:01pm:

Dear haunted sweater enveloped by Byron,

I would rather talk to you Mr. Sweater, Byron seems scary. Well, not creepy scary, but good scary. The kind of scary that makes Mogwais eat chicken after midnight. So, hi haunted sweater, how are you? Did you ever do lifting for the people on Craigslist? Did they ever send you moisturized pictures of themselves??

Okay time to talk to Byron, he may get a complex that I am talking to you and not him.

Byron, dear sweet child, your entire post elicited one single thought:

“Captain, I protest, I am NOT a Merry Man!!”

I don’t know, maybe I think you look like Worf. And speaking of Klingons, I think what they did to them in the new Star Trek is appalling. I mean I would never pay for Star Trek, but I peeped a clip of Klingon sex and weird Klingon nipples and I think I could have been happy for the rest of my entire life if I never ever saw that. I would rather see Tribbles have sex because they have fertility efficiency. I would like to see efficient sex; porn looks too sloppy. They should have sex how Stewie taught Stu how to have sex. “And one, two, three, four, in and out there you go, take it in, take it out, take in, take it out, I am the monarch of the sea, the queen of the king’s navy…..” yeah you get the idea. I spend my time in 2005 reliving the revival of Family Guy. In fact, if it was 2005, I would have a hot body and wouldn’t be writing this, I would be getting laid like Tara Reid. And Tara Reid who is now in Sharknado 6: It’s About Time, with hot pink lipstick and no body. Sometimes I feel that she shouldn’t have a mouth either. I spend my time thinking about how women shouldn’t have mouths. But I digress, you can tell I watch a lot of terrible TV, and your post made no pop culture references and I am crapping all over this message to you by making them. So, I humbly, apologize.

I would also like to admit I opened a Word document to write this message. Being in school now has taught me that when you sit down to spend an hour to write down one big convoluted thought, it is best to open a Word document. I think the internet knows how hard we work on things and it evil-y decides that we shouldn’t progress in anything so it deletes all our work by freezing browsers and buffers from here to eternity. I think the internet is haunted. I think this Word document is haunted. I think the ghosts from that Thrift store made it to New York and is now haunting my words. I think my mouse is haunted. It’s clicking by itself for no reason.

As for your post, well, no amount of words can convalesce how incredibly talented you are with the gift of gab and am also now realizing that the only people who know what gift of gab is, are our age. I too, am getting older, and don’t want to be responsible. I will be honest and say I haven’t been responsible in about 15 years. I fart butterflies and pee rainbows too, in case you were wondering. It is very awkward in the bathroom on most days. My bowel movements are rose petals too, just in case you were wondering that as well.

Anyway, I hope we can become borderline obsessed friends.

But all jokes aside, in the real world, I have a real address, a real phone number, and a real Discord that I was kicked out of and no longer have.

I would love to type letters back and forth, but don’t object to handwriting all this nonsense on a scented floral stationary that smells like Elizabeth Taylor’s White Diamonds either.

Hope to hear from you soon friend,

Lynn

So there! I figured out how to have patience! Write ridiculously, long, nonsensical things to strangers on the internet!

And you know what? Even if he never messages me back, I don’t even care. I had an awesome, fun time writing it.

That’s all that matters right?

Life is so simple, yet so sweet.

Stay tuned.

When You Cross The Line and Just, Well, Implode

On By inspiredodysseyIn bipolar9 Comments

a.baa-Ruff-Day

Today, was a bad day.  Have you ever let anything really minor upset you terribly? Things are so out of your control and power that you implode and show the worst parts of yourself to your significant other? How do you recover from the embarrassment from something like that? I know my partner isn’t mad at me, but I know I really let him down tonight.

I have always kept money out of my relationship. For almost 9 years, money was never an issue for me and I never brought it up to my partner. I would have always had enough to cover birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas and even an unforeseen expense in which I would show my partner, “I got this,” even though I’m on a very fixed income of disability.

I was on the road to recovery last year. Everything was working out; I finally fixed my credit score and history, I was just approved for an $8000 loan, and I had made it to the top of the list for a job in my county because I aced a Civil Service Exam. All my dreams were coming true and I could finally put my whole history of this horrible bipolar disorder, hospitalizations, debt and overall ugliness of the past 11 years behind me.

Until “IT” happened. The thing that we as bipolar victims dread most in life – an episode happens whether it be manic or depressed, that literally destroys EVERYTHING you worked so damn hard to achieve. It’s horrible what happens to us as mental health victims, (and I call us victims because of all the suffering associated with this dreaded curse of ours), but it’s not only the trauma but its the stigma that we deal with day after day for the rest of our lives from society, our community, family and peers.

The worst thing in the world happened to me when I had made such progress in my life and was about to embark on a career, good credit, and future. I had a severe manic episode that led to a ten-month hospitalization. It was no one’s fault, these things just happen right? I mean that’s what all the doctors can come up with – so it’s like here: we’ll give you all these medications for a life sentence of bipolar, but they may or may not work one day and your whole life may be destroyed by an episode.

WTF???????

Exactly my thoughts.

Anyway, back to crossing the line with my partner. Needless to say my credit was destroyed because I couldn’t pay my bills for ten months from the hospital, (there is no credit forgiveness if you’re hospitalized and “bonus,” if you want that kind of credit protection it costs about $30 a month PER card), the Civil Service Office gave away my job to the next one in line, and I was completely screwed.

As part of the rebuilding of my life, I have started investing in my writing career, I am in school for Business Management and I have been trying to get some classes to brush up on my Microsoft Office skills, so things were looking up,

UNTIL…..

Here comes the bipolar panic:

I saw a course for Excel on sale for $34 tonight, and I realized I don’t have $34 to my name. I have $22 on one credit card, $16 on another one and $10 in the bank UNTIL AUGUST 3rd. It would be nice if they let you split payments like in the old days, but they don’t today. How did I let it get this bad??? Why are my finances so OUT OF CONTROL?? I haven’t been manic or spending a lot, how is it that I’m THIS BROKE with no kind of back-up???

I started crying, ready to kill myself over this Excel course and the fact that I have no money, no savings, and my partner saw all that. For the first time in my relationship, I have been asking him for money, and I feel terrible about it. Wouldn’t you want a partner who is financially responsible and not a trainwreck? I would. I would dump me if I was with me.

Anyway, I let it get out of hand because all week I have been trying to get this course, and all I had been hitting is ridiculous roadblocks – no one at my current school would help me find out about these kinds of courses no matter how many times I called or who I spoke to, apparently since I was assigned a Student Services Advisor no one was allowed to help me but her. Okay, so what if the woman decides to never return my phone calls or emails all day? EXACTLY. And earlier in the week, I drove all the way out to my old Business school, (apparently you’re not allowed to find out about refresher courses over the phone you have to do them in person), so I wasted gas, time and energy for them to tell me the refresher Office courses won’t be available for another 5 months? And I was not allowed to hear this information over the phone…….why again??? WHAT???

I guess the frustration built up to a complete breaking point. The urgency of the matter is I need to move out on my own by next year. I had literally wasted about 11 years in a bipolar haze living on disability, living with my parents, thinking what? That they would take care of me forever?

I guess the moral of this whole story is, ALWAYS PLAN FOR YOUR FUTURE ladies and gentlemen. I am SO unbelievably lucky that my family was here to weather this bipolar storm with me; I have suffered so long with it, and just when I think I’m okay, something Holy Catastrophic happens. Guess that’s life right? Yeah, I guess. But serioously WTF???

If you guys can relate to any of this madness, please hit me with a like, it would really make my night. 🙂

Stay Tuned.

Are You Happy In Life??

On By inspiredodysseyIn LifeLeave a comment

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Do you think you have the perfect career? Are you happy in your relationship(s)? Is there something missing in your life where you find yourself constantly searching, but can never find it?

Welcome to my world.

Hi, my name is Lynn and I am a writer in my 30s, from New York. Recently, I discovered that writing is mostly a hobby, and not really a career path, so I am in school for Business Management to try and figure it all out. It’s like that lightbulb went off when I noticed how everybody has jumped on the bandwagon of “freelance writer,” and I realized the market it just way too saturated with this type of profession. I think when Carrie Bradshaw showcased her life on “Sex and the City” every woman in New York was wondering: “In what universe can you write a couple of times a week for a no-name newspaper, and afford $500 shoes?” Trust me, I’ve lived in this city my whole life, and that crap is just straight-up fiction.

And what about relationships? Well, I am happy to say that it will be almost a decade that my best friend and I are still together. Why “best friend” and not “boyfriend?” Well, he is too old to be a “boy” friend, and secondly, I have always wanted to keep my options open; I am a “lots of options” type girl. But over the years, I realized, this is the guy for me and everything else is just an extra – and extra not being sleeping with a bunch of men on the side, just having an inordinate number of male friends, (and steamy co-writer partners), that most people don’t have the luxury of having. So you see, what I have works for both of us and works well. He is about an hour away by car, and I think I am going to keep our living situations this way until we both retire, then we can get married and grow old together. My set-up is pretty sweet, and I have to say I have no regrets, even though “I have no regrets” has turned into some new-age fix-it-all for modern-day problems and is now totally a cliché thing to say. But aren’t some cliché’s still relevant today? And to me, the biggest cliché that’s running around these days is: “online dating works.” I think if you survey all the people who are online dating right now, about 80% of them will tell you it’s crap turned over twice and all over your shoe. I will be talking about online dating more in this blog later on though because I think it’s such a fascinating subject.

This brings me to you guys.

Is it just me, or is it that with all this technology, all these great ways to meet new people, and all the advancements we’re making, are driving human beings apart? Are all these digital interactions killing us? Does it all leave you with an unsatisfied feeling at the end of the day, even though things are going well?

I think as a whole, we are losing our humanity. I was talking to my friend the other day and we were discussing the term “binging.” Wasn’t binging a negative term described in eating disorders? Why did such an ugly term become commonplace? Don’t we realize its unhealthy to binge, even though we think, “well it’s just Netflix?” A series isn’t made for the purpose of binging, well at least years ago it wasn’t.  I can remember every episode of “Star Trek the Next Generation,” “Knight Rider,” and “The A-Team,” because I had to wait a whole week to watch each episode. Since everything is available to stream and I was guilty of binging “Battlestar Galactica” a few years ago, I can honestly report to you, I have no frickin’ idea what half those episodes were about. Do you see what I mean?

It’s unhealthy.

We’re unhealthy.

So, what do we do??

Since this is my first blog post, what do you think we should do to make ourselves more human, more satisfied with life?

I totally would love to hear some of your ideas.

Stay tuned.