It is no mystery; I am the queen of beating myself up. Whether I am calling myself fat and ugly or just plain unworthy, I wish more and more I could be more kind to myself every day. I started making a video diary of my life and how I am dealing with this breakup with my husband. Today is day three of no-contact and he is still leaving me voicemails about how he is blocked and that he knows I don’t want to talk to him anymore. I am hoping this stops over time, but I may end up having to change my number all together.
The fact of the matter is this man has been part of my life a very long time. and this “bully” as my therapist calls it, finally got quiet when my husband was in my life. The things I would say to myself in the past, and the way I used to drown in my sorrows was directly related on whether or not I had a man in my life – and these days the absence of my husband has me feeling relieved and at the same time, empty and hollow of that validation he used to give me. And then that “bully” has come back in full force telling me all the horrible things I hate about myself, which by the way, friends have reminded me these are things I would never tell anyone else about themselves.
I am not ready to find anyone else, but I do want to get into the practice of loving myself more. I wish I could get into the habit of saying nice things to myself every day. Why is that so hard? I have 20 things on my gratitude list, can’t I see how God has blessed me in so many amazing ways? I have a friend who told me that his main goal is to be where I am at in life right now. That is an amazing compliment. Yes, I am not rich, but I have all my needs met. I am comfortable, with amazing friends and family and I need to stop getting hung up on this whole “weight” issue and what I look like on the outside because it wasn’t an issue at all when my husband was in my life. Why does it take someone or something external to make me feel good about myself?
That’s one of the main things I wish I could do more every day – just be more grateful and accepting of myself in my own skin.
Stay Tuned.
An Inspired Odyssey Through✨️Ink & Stardust✨️ 