Why Loving an Addict Can Break Your Heart Painfully

Two broken heart crashing on gray BG

I have to do it – break up with him. I knew all the warning signs from the start, but as an alcoholic, I thought I knew how an addict thinks, but apparently, I don’t. I kicked my addiction, and to be honest, I don’t even know I did it – but living a clean life makes me feel like I deserve a clean partner.

I wasn’t supposed to fall in love. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with this man, but I did. They say you don’t choose the one you love, that fate brings him/her to you, and it’s all written in the stars, but what if the toxins of this world, (drugs and alcohol), ruin God’s plan for your divine love? I know he’s the one for me – only because I have been looking for him a very long time, and compounded on that it took me nine years to find someone who loved me enough and I felt comfortable having sex with, which by the way was fantastic with this guy.

But is Love enough? Is devotion and heartwrenching Love enough? I am sitting writing this piece this morning saying a firm “no,” it’s not.

Last month, I let him walk all over me when he disappeared a whole night and morning and probably sold the phone I gave him for crack, to this morning where he is gone again and probably sold the other phone I gave him because he ran out of money for his addiction. He got paid from his job early this morning (midnight Thursday/Friday), from a job which he also quit, and I am not about to stick around and watch him spend his last check next week on his horrible habit. I lived with an addict before, years ago (my first fiance), and now after 20 years, a man who finally wants to marry me again is a fucking addict too. I am so sick of this shit, this disease, this epidemic. Can I find a normal guy, please?

I guess it’s what the cards dealt for me. It’s interesting because this guy is really good looking, (another real first for me), and has an amazing family – I have gotten really close to his family and everything, I just wonder why he’s been suffering like this for so long with such a good background. Drugs can ruin your whole existence, and I know if I leave him now, he will probably get destroyed and do something worse. I honestly don’t know what to do, but I can’t be with a person like this. And if I take it to my grave that he hurts himself badly or gets killed while in the streets because of me leaving him, it will kill me inside, but it’s what I have to do. My heart breaks and suffers because that may be the outcome of our breakup, but that’s his choice. I don’t want him to suffer and drown, and as the tears fall down my face, I feel like I am suffering and drowning too. The fact of the matter is he doesn’t think of me when he has money and is using – nevermind the fact that I spend all of my money on us and he spends all his money on drugs without even a thought of me – it’s fucked up.

I need to be strong. Who knows? Maybe I need to be with my best friend upstate for the rest of my life? I don’t even know if that would be a bad choice, who needs mindblowing sex anyway – God I am so misguided and confused.

The facts are this person doesn’t think of our relationship – he puts the drugs first. He can’t help it, he’s thrown in addiction, but I won’t sacrifice myself and my own mental health to save him if I can’t save myself.

This has been a very intense two months, but I better get out before I get too deep.

I don’t even know what the hell to do with the Christmas presents I bought.

He thinks he can get away with this shit, I’m done being a pushover.

I wish it didn’t hurt so bad.

Stay tuned.

4 thoughts on “Why Loving an Addict Can Break Your Heart Painfully

  1. Savannah Wall

    If he can’t quit OR seek help, he’s not worth it. Put bluntly. My husband is a former addict. When we married he started doing some things WAY TOO much, and because he loved me and I loved him, he stopped before it ruined our marriage. We’re better together. But, he also knows when he was heading down a bad path. If this guy can’t see the woman that you are- and he’s come from a good family (so does my husband) then you need to let him find his way. You can’t change him….but maybe you’re the one who shows him he needs help. Hoping for you. And my thoughts are with you in this time of year. I know these feelings are hard. Do you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Please excuse the late reply Savannah, I deeply appreciate you taking the time to comment and sharing with me your story. He actually went into rehab Friday, and I think its the beginning of real recovery for him. I have also taken a step back to look at the big picture in this situation. The past 20 years has been really tough on him, wandering the streets, being single, being in poverty and desperately needing the approval of his family and failing them every time. I am not making excuses for him picking up, but I can see why he’s done it from an addict’s standpoint, (I struggled with alcoholism), the more we fail the more we become frustrated the more we hate ourselves the more we fall in addiction – that’s his life in a nutshell. Too many people just punish him for screwing up and that is such an awful feeling I know so well. I love him, and my plan is to follow my parents when they move down south next year and take him with me. I think a fresh start and new environment would be really great for the both of us. This time of year is so hard, he will be gone straight through New Years and I am going to be alone and thinking of him. This is the first time we’ve been apart like this, but I think its what he really needs. Hopefully we find the success that you and your husband have. God Bless and Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to your family!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Savannah Wall

        Hi friend, I am so happy to hear this. You’re in my thoughts. He’s in my prayers and you both will make it. It’s gna be OK because he’s trying and THATS what matters! 😦 Happy New Year!!!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Hi friend! Thank you for prayers and well wishes, every day is hard, but I am getting through. I know it will be okay too because he is trying SO hard and I am so proud of him. Happy New Year Friend!! ❤


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