Do You Have Patience??

Worf Merry Man

On some real talk now – how many of you press the crap out of your phone screen, click the crap out of your mouse when something is buffering, or bite the crap out of your now, non-existent fingernails waiting for a text message, or ANY message, on all the different platforms???

I know for me personally, I have never been patient, at least these days I’m not. I feel like if I don’t have things “instantly,” I throw an inner tantrum or fit, and it ain’t pretty folks. Where do you think this comes from? Some would argue that we have succumbed to this whole instant-gratification culture, but damn, why the heck do those three dots on my iPhone cause me such stress???!!! ARGH!!!

Anyway, I am learning patience this weekend. I can’t find out about some money coming to me, whether or not my online classes will grant me Lifetime Access, or basically do anything till Monday. So tomorrow I’ll have to suffer. Or maybe not. I am not a gamer, so sitting in front of a Playstation for 12 hours tomorrow won’t work, and I have exactly $11.35 in the bank, so my butt ain’t going nowhere tomorrow either. Maybe I’ll watch the new movie Widows on HBO;  I read good things about it.

I wonder though, what do you guys do, besides distractions, to occupy yourselves? 

If you’re wondering how I am going to spend my evening, I will give you one word:


I’m serious. This is like the absolute blackest, of black holes on the internet. You know what the most fun is though? Messaging someone something utterly ridiculous. 

Case in point:

Message to a strange man on Reddit, Sent 11:01pm:

Dear haunted sweater enveloped by Byron,

I would rather talk to you Mr. Sweater, Byron seems scary. Well, not creepy scary, but good scary. The kind of scary that makes Mogwais eat chicken after midnight. So, hi haunted sweater, how are you? Did you ever do lifting for the people on Craigslist? Did they ever send you moisturized pictures of themselves??

Okay time to talk to Byron, he may get a complex that I am talking to you and not him.

Byron, dear sweet child, your entire post elicited one single thought:

“Captain, I protest, I am NOT a Merry Man!!”

I don’t know, maybe I think you look like Worf. And speaking of Klingons, I think what they did to them in the new Star Trek is appalling. I mean I would never pay for Star Trek, but I peeped a clip of Klingon sex and weird Klingon nipples and I think I could have been happy for the rest of my entire life if I never ever saw that. I would rather see Tribbles have sex because they have fertility efficiency. I would like to see efficient sex; porn looks too sloppy. They should have sex how Stewie taught Stu how to have sex. “And one, two, three, four, in and out there you go, take it in, take it out, take in, take it out, I am the monarch of the sea, the queen of the king’s navy…..” yeah you get the idea. I spend my time in 2005 reliving the revival of Family Guy. In fact, if it was 2005, I would have a hot body and wouldn’t be writing this, I would be getting laid like Tara Reid. And Tara Reid who is now in Sharknado 6: It’s About Time, with hot pink lipstick and no body. Sometimes I feel that she shouldn’t have a mouth either. I spend my time thinking about how women shouldn’t have mouths. But I digress, you can tell I watch a lot of terrible TV, and your post made no pop culture references and I am crapping all over this message to you by making them. So, I humbly, apologize.

I would also like to admit I opened a Word document to write this message. Being in school now has taught me that when you sit down to spend an hour to write down one big convoluted thought, it is best to open a Word document. I think the internet knows how hard we work on things and it evil-y decides that we shouldn’t progress in anything so it deletes all our work by freezing browsers and buffers from here to eternity. I think the internet is haunted. I think this Word document is haunted. I think the ghosts from that Thrift store made it to New York and is now haunting my words. I think my mouse is haunted. It’s clicking by itself for no reason.

As for your post, well, no amount of words can convalesce how incredibly talented you are with the gift of gab and am also now realizing that the only people who know what gift of gab is, are our age. I too, am getting older, and don’t want to be responsible. I will be honest and say I haven’t been responsible in about 15 years. I fart butterflies and pee rainbows too, in case you were wondering. It is very awkward in the bathroom on most days. My bowel movements are rose petals too, just in case you were wondering that as well.

Anyway, I hope we can become borderline obsessed friends.

But all jokes aside, in the real world, I have a real address, a real phone number, and a real Discord that I was kicked out of and no longer have.

I would love to type letters back and forth, but don’t object to handwriting all this nonsense on a scented floral stationary that smells like Elizabeth Taylor’s White Diamonds either.

Hope to hear from you soon friend,


So there! I figured out how to have patience! Write ridiculously, long, nonsensical things to strangers on the internet!

And you know what? Even if he never messages me back, I don’t even care. I had an awesome, fun time writing it.

That’s all that matters right?

Life is so simple, yet so sweet.

Stay tuned.

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