Today, was a bad day. Have you ever let anything really minor upset you terribly? Things are so out of your control and power that you implode and show the worst parts of yourself to your significant other? How do you recover from the embarrassment from something like that? I know my partner isn’t mad at me, but I know I really let him down tonight.
I have always kept money out of my relationship. For almost 9 years, money was never an issue for me and I never brought it up to my partner. I would have always had enough to cover birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas and even an unforeseen expense in which I would show my partner, “I got this,” even though I’m on a very fixed income of disability.
I was on the road to recovery last year. Everything was working out; I finally fixed my credit score and history, I was just approved for an $8000 loan, and I had made it to the top of the list for a job in my county because I aced a Civil Service Exam. All my dreams were coming true and I could finally put my whole history of this horrible bipolar disorder, hospitalizations, debt and overall ugliness of the past 11 years behind me.
Until “IT” happened. The thing that we as bipolar victims dread most in life – an episode happens whether it be manic or depressed, that literally destroys EVERYTHING you worked so damn hard to achieve. It’s horrible what happens to us as mental health victims, (and I call us victims because of all the suffering associated with this dreaded curse of ours), but it’s not only the trauma but its the stigma that we deal with day after day for the rest of our lives from society, our community, family and peers.
The worst thing in the world happened to me when I had made such progress in my life and was about to embark on a career, good credit, and future. I had a severe manic episode that led to a ten-month hospitalization. It was no one’s fault, these things just happen right? I mean that’s what all the doctors can come up with – so it’s like here: we’ll give you all these medications for a life sentence of bipolar, but they may or may not work one day and your whole life may be destroyed by an episode.
Exactly my thoughts.
Anyway, back to crossing the line with my partner. Needless to say my credit was destroyed because I couldn’t pay my bills for ten months from the hospital, (there is no credit forgiveness if you’re hospitalized and “bonus,” if you want that kind of credit protection it costs about $30 a month PER card), the Civil Service Office gave away my job to the next one in line, and I was completely screwed.
As part of the rebuilding of my life, I have started investing in my writing career, I am in school for Business Management and I have been trying to get some classes to brush up on my Microsoft Office skills, so things were looking up,
Here comes the bipolar panic:
I saw a course for Excel on sale for $34 tonight, and I realized I don’t have $34 to my name. I have $22 on one credit card, $16 on another one and $10 in the bank UNTIL AUGUST 3rd. It would be nice if they let you split payments like in the old days, but they don’t today. How did I let it get this bad??? Why are my finances so OUT OF CONTROL?? I haven’t been manic or spending a lot, how is it that I’m THIS BROKE with no kind of back-up???
I started crying, ready to kill myself over this Excel course and the fact that I have no money, no savings, and my partner saw all that. For the first time in my relationship, I have been asking him for money, and I feel terrible about it. Wouldn’t you want a partner who is financially responsible and not a trainwreck? I would. I would dump me if I was with me.
Anyway, I let it get out of hand because all week I have been trying to get this course, and all I had been hitting is ridiculous roadblocks – no one at my current school would help me find out about these kinds of courses no matter how many times I called or who I spoke to, apparently since I was assigned a Student Services Advisor no one was allowed to help me but her. Okay, so what if the woman decides to never return my phone calls or emails all day? EXACTLY. And earlier in the week, I drove all the way out to my old Business school, (apparently you’re not allowed to find out about refresher courses over the phone you have to do them in person), so I wasted gas, time and energy for them to tell me the refresher Office courses won’t be available for another 5 months? And I was not allowed to hear this information over the phone…….why again??? WHAT???
I guess the frustration built up to a complete breaking point. The urgency of the matter is I need to move out on my own by next year. I had literally wasted about 11 years in a bipolar haze living on disability, living with my parents, thinking what? That they would take care of me forever?
I guess the moral of this whole story is, ALWAYS PLAN FOR YOUR FUTURE ladies and gentlemen. I am SO unbelievably lucky that my family was here to weather this bipolar storm with me; I have suffered so long with it, and just when I think I’m okay, something Holy Catastrophic happens. Guess that’s life right? Yeah, I guess. But serioously WTF???
If you guys can relate to any of this madness, please hit me with a like, it would really make my night. 🙂
9 thoughts on “When You Cross The Line and Just, Well, Implode”
Thank you for sharing your thoughts here on WordPress. I also just recently wrote about my mental health (or lack thereof) in my two-week-old blog. It’s comforting to me to find people of the same struggles supporting each other. Here it is: https://kloydecaday.wordpress.com/2019/07/27/anxiety-attack-on-a-sacred-time/ . Thank you for reading!
LikeLiked by 1 person
It is very hard to get back on track. Just take each day as it comes and be kind to yourself. Bipolar sucks. It really does. It kinda works its way into everything. Keep fighting. It’s hard. I hope things start to turn around. Keep going. Thank you for your post.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks so much for your comment. Life is about rebuilding and overcoming obstacles, but with the bipolar crap on top of that it’s extra hard. I am going to try and be kinder to myself, it’s just so hard when you feel like such a failure. Day by day as you said though, that’s how I’ll make it through.
I love the title of your blog. I too am bipolar. Something people don’t think about is the self-loathing that goes with it. And hypomania isn’t fun at all. It’s just bewildering. And for me it has triggered a load of addictions I never had before. Ugh. I have begun my own odyssey after working out it will take about 1000 days to clear my debts. But everything has fallen apart. Have you read The Guest House by Rumi? It’s only a short poem but I read it when life gets hard. Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Don’t forget that you didn’t choose this and just keep fighting.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for liking the title! I had a site called thought odyssey, but I think someone stole that idea because when I tried to register that it was already taken. Oh well, I like this one better anyway. Gosh, there is so much self-loathing involved its no joke! I will admit that I had a really bad problem with alcohol up until a few years ago – being hospitalized for 10 months really sobered me up let me tell you. These days I crave Blue Moon beer, but only for the taste. On the rare occasion I have wine, but that’s REALLY rare. I am so sorry to hear that everything has fallen apart, I think what people don’t realize is because we are so strong, because of all we have dealt with, we are more resilient than the average person. Oh, The Great House poem was SO amazing. It just reinforces the fact that even though you may have some dark forces setting up shop in your house, every morning is a new arrival or a new way to kick them out. What a beautiful thought, thank you for sharing that.
I have been taking care of myself, you know, it’s all I can do. I made a lot of progress today with all my finances and I think I may have some money coming to me, which would be such a relief. I didn’t choose this, and neither did you, so even though you messed up a bit and hit a bump in this road, a new arrival of good thoughts may come to your house tomorrow.
Sending love and light your way my friend.
you just keep bloody going. thank you for your love and light. get really disciplined. i’m going to start keeping a budget every day. use what training you have. keep a spreadsheet of your spending every day. do it. i’m going to. i think it will be empowering and a good way of keeping track. i think for people like us with bipolar although it is extra hard strict routine might help. i mean i am saying this whilst i’m so broke and twitchy that i actually want to cry. but tomorrow, i’m going to wake up and put my budget on this bloody blog. keep going. x
LikeLiked by 1 person
You know what the crazy thing is???? I HAVE a spreadsheet and budget. That’s why I have $10 and I’m not in the negative. ALL my bills are paid for, I just have no spending money or money for emergencies – that’s why I ran into that problem. But thanks so much for your kind words – Get up tomorrow make your spreadsheet and keep fighting! And trust me, crying is totally okay. Ntohing is better than a good cry. 🙂
the security is the worst thing with emergencies especially when i know how careful some of us are in between times. i mean i was in really good credit before my last major breakdown, but that breakdown seemed to trigger a load of stupid issues. keep in touch sometimes. keep blogging it’s good. keep fighting.
LikeLiked by 1 person
every day is a new arrival.