inspiredodyssey bipolar

What’s Meant for You, Is Meant for You

I never understood acceptance. Have you ever experienced a real acceptance? Not just acknowledging something, but truly accepting it? Things have changed in my life so much in the past five years. I went from existing, drinking, no direction or just being institutionalized, to jail then rehab. I have never experienced real friendships or healthy relationships; I’ve never accepted true purpose.

Today my bipolar is manageable. I am nearly 2 years sober from drugs and alcohol, I don’t even smoke cigarettes. I have a new freedom that this bipolar rollercoaster has brought me to. I am finally on cruise control. And all it took was sobriety and the most important thing for the insomniac manic bipolar person: SLEEP. Sleep is so important to people struggling with mental health issues. I have bad sleep apnea on top of it. The miracle that has happened since getting my CPAP and being sober is unbelievable.

Looking back on other blogs, and some of the other craziness I used to write about is so eye opening. This life is so bright now. What’s meant for me is meant for me, no turning back. I want to say that if you’re struggling with whatever it is in life, that there is hope. The darkest days of my life on the floor of that jail cell is just a thing of the past today. Purpose comes with surrender, and strength comes with perseverance. The lessons I have learned have prepared me for what is to come, and it looks so bright and hopeful today.

Peace comes when you let it in and accept where you are.

I love you today, as I love me, just in case no one else told you.

Be bold. Be brave.

Even just for today.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Lara Croft – The Tombraider in Me

So, for today’s daily prompt, I feel more compelled to be a video game character from my youth. Back when graphics weren’t the best, my 2D version of Lara Croft on the original Playstation’s Tombraider, was heaven to me. I played for hours, solving different puzzles and learning more about history.

I’ve had a love of Indiana Jones for as long as I can remember. So, when they came out with a female version in a video game I fell in love. The movies followed of course, but nothing beats the original Lara Croft. I went on to collect various statues and things of Lara over the years, and even though I wasn’t a real fan of the Angelina Jolie version or the other new version that came out a few years ago, I hope the franchise gets reinvented properly.

But for the 90s version of Tombraider, it will always have a place in my heart of hearts.

Especially making those impossible jumps!

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Bipolar Disorder and Mental Health

Daily writing prompt
What’s something most people don’t understand?
View all responses

So for the most part, it’s the “if I don’t have it, I don’t get it” mentality. Being bipolar for almost 20 years now, it has opened my eyes to a lot of things and a lot of stigmas there are out there about mental illness. I don’t want to claim ignorance, but I do want to say that for the most part we are “ignored.” For a long time in my life, my outbursts of anger, my alcoholism and my overall behavior was masked with, “it’ll be okay,” or “it’s just a phase,” and this advice was given to me by people who didn’t really understand what they were dealing with – not that I am criticizing, but you know people are only as knowledgeable as the information they are given.

There have been a lot of breakthroughs in the mental health field during the past 20 years, and one of them being awareness on the subject. People are a lot more knowledgeable as well as understanding. But the stigma still exists because there is a difference between just understanding and knowing what someone is actually going through. I love the phrase, “walk a mile in someone’s shoes before judging,” because unless you are going through a debilitating depression or a crippling manic episode you will never know or understand what that feels like.

I am glad though that my life has taken a turn where the idea of me being bipolar no longer equates me with being a leper. I can say that jobs are lined up even though I check off that “disability” box on a job application. So, even though most people still don’t understand mental health or bipolar disorder, I have learned that living with it and talking about it can enlighten someone’s thoughts on the subject.

inspiredodyssey work

On the Precipice of Greatness

There is a mountain to overcome. Have you ever been at the edge of something great? That you knew something was on the horizon for you? That’s where I am at today. This morning, I had an interesting moment when I woke up falling into despair. God spoke to me and said, “just get through the hour, just get through the day.”

That was all I needed.

I helped a woman plan a budget today, and it was an exhilarating experience. Being of service to someone and having their face light up because I helped them, brought me great joy. There is a purpose as to why I’m here.

The jobs I have been applying for have been dead ends. I don’t know what I will do about my record or how I will even get a job to leave this rehab, but I will keep trying. I feel like I am on the edge of a great moment like something is going to shift and I will be presented with a new opportunity.

This morning I realized someone stole the notebook I had in which I had written out my entire 4th step, (part of my 12 steps of recovery as per the Big Big of Alcoholics Anonymous). If you’re not familiar with the steps, the 4th step is a rigorous moral inventory of the people who have wronged you and what your part is in those resentments. It’s pretty deep and extremely personal, and someone out there has all that information about me now. Then I realized, maybe that person really needed a notebook, (there is a really bad shortage of supplies and books here), and maybe they needed it more than me for their classes. That’s the grown-up way of thinking about it, the mature way of letting my 4th step out into the universe and giving me a chance to do it over, perhaps catching something I missed the first time around.

Today has been a good day, more positive than it has been.

Trust in Him, and Trust in Yourself, the Truth eventually comes to Light.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Not Enjoying the Moment – Living in the Past/Future

I am at a precipice. I keep worrying about things I have no control over. Do you guys do this? I try meditation, I try praying, but nothing is bringing me to The Present. I am locked in a state of future forecasting. I feel like I will never break free of it and it is bringing me down. And I am SO TIRED. So damn tired. My body and mind are exhausted. I slept almost 10 hours last night and I’m still tired! I went to my neurologist who ordered my Sleep Study, and she wanted to give me pills to help with sleepiness. Wasn’t the CPAP machine I am spending $20 a month on supposed to be doing that?

I don’t know, I don’t feel good. I am trapped in this rehab with all these rules that are stifling me. We are all on Building Restriction for the next two weeks, and I really wanted to see my mom and dad for President’s Day weekend. Also, I won’t be seeing my husband, which is paining my heart greatly. The rings his mom sent me are coming in the mail that weekend too; I really hope they don’t get lost or someone steals them – this is a homeless shelter after all.

I don’t have a lot of trust and I don’t have a lot of faith. I am faltering, falling off a mountain of my own making. I had all the freedom in the world two years ago and I threw it all away. God is punishing me and it doesn’t feel like I will ever be forgiven.

I am hopeless.

I am useless.

I am shattered.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Hollow to God

I pray, and I am Hollow.

I have a God-sized hole in my heart because you aren’t present.

I miss the way you were with me in jail because I felt you then, especially when you said, “Walk with Me,” and I did.

I don’t feel you in my life today; it feels empty and pointless.

My heart is Hollow, and my life is Hollow.

I wish I could talk to you and feel something, why is all this emptiness so consuming?

Recovery isn’t for me, I don’t get what they are preaching, and I am not buying what they are selling.

I read the Big Book, and I did the classes, but I just don’t belong.

I am going to leave out of this place an alcoholic, the same way I came in.

I have nothing but Fear in my Heart and it grows larger and larger every day.

I wish I could let you in, I wish I knew where to begin.

I am lost, I am Hollow.

I wish I knew You, I wish you knew Me.

Be my friend, my hands are open but my stubbornness holds me back.

This is a prayer and a groveling request.

Please come into my life, I need you, I am Hollow.

I am selfish and self-centered and that’s why you punish me constantly.

I am Hollow.

Please Find Me.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Lost Passion

I used to be a Vibrant Scripturient. Writing used to be my passion. The words used to flow like diamonds in the sky trickling down on the Earth during a twilight evening. I can’t find my grip, I can’t find my place. I am lost in an abyss of duty and responsibilities. Is it wrong that when I was a bum living in my parents’ house, my muse was ever-present in my life?

I am battling my demons in this rehab. I want to get out so bad, but where am I going really? To an Oxford House? Is that any better? I mean it will be more rules and I probably won’t get my own room. I will have to research it first. I want to get my court case over with so I can expunge all the unpleasantness attached to my name. My reputation is ruined, my credit is shot, and I’ve lost my drive when it comes to my words.

I am forever a future forecaster that can’t stay in the present – everyone at this rehab sees it. I can’t accept the day as it is, even though it’s a beautiful day outside with the sun shining brightly. My mind is a rollercoaster of unhappiness and I am in such fear of telling anyone because they will insist on a “meds evaluation.” I am bipolar so I am always up and down but I don’t want to be anyone’s experiment anymore.

I just want to be free.

I want to live.

I want to be happy again.

I want to be inspired so my passion comes back.

God, please help me.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey work

A Hopeful Future

So, in the midst of depression, how do you get out of bed? Why is everyone so tired these days? Are we all Post-COVID burnt out? I really want to believe there is more to life than this, but I feel like all anyone wants to do these days is just sleep their lives away. Life is hard, these obstacles aren’t going away and with At-Home work being the thing now these days, it seems everyone is just getting lazier and lazier.

I fall into this category too. The idea of going back to work scares me more than I can say. I am having a hard time adjusting to a life in which I actually have to be responsible for myself. I have lived under my parents’ roof for so long, I have forgotten what it is like to be self-sufficient. I had a job interview today and I am so scared of what will come up in the background check. That’s another mountain I have to climb, and what a mountain it is!

Through all this though, I am hopeful. I no longer have the desire for alcohol, something which I never was able to get rid of. It had hindered me for so long while I let my bipolar disability consume me. I could have had a career a long time ago, but I just wanted to lose weight first which was something so stupid, even though it didn’t look like it back then.

But now, it’s a new me, a new future, a new beginning – and it’s very hopeful.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Reading a Damn Good Book While The Rain Falls…..

What do you enjoy doing most in your leisure time?

One of the things I have missed out on the past twenty years is reading, I mean really reading, like a novel. Paperback. Hard Cover. Eff this staring at a tablet or screen nonsense! I mean actually smelling the pages. Turning the pages and savoring every moment.

Out of all the things I am grateful for that happened while being jailed for 10 months, was the opportunity to read a total of 43 books. I read almost a book every few days and I loved every minute of it. Being in this rehab afforded me that luxury too. Since we weren’t allowed phones or the internet, I got to read even more books; getting to know authors like Nora Roberts and Lee Child. These opportunities brought me peace and excitement I hadn’t had in a long time – and even now that I have my phone again and television, I find myself resorting back to the paperback books that are at my disposal.

But the best? The ABSOLUTE BEST is reading during a thunderstorm. I have found so much peace listening to the rainfall and engrossing myself in a good book. It is my favorite pastime so far.

Do you like to read during a good rainstorm too?

I would love to know.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey bipolar

Love. The Battle. The Dagger. The Perseverance.

I was reading one of my other blogs from a few years ago, and couldn’t help but feel sorry for the person I used to be. Love finally made it into my life, and even though it is at a great cost, years ago I would have killed to just have had the opportunity to experience it. There was a post of mine called “The Dagger” in which I glorified what it would have been like to kill myself with a knife – needless to say it was a very dark time in my life.

The Dagger

Posted on February 10, 2015 by unchainedsoul

Plunging in my heart.   I am here again.  Loving so hard and so fast that I want to die. Bipolar.  Pills.  Do I go to my psychiatrist and tell him to give me something else?  Or do I fight through this?  Feel it.  All of it.  I want to be taken.  Off this Earth.  It’s the same old story.  So much pain.  What is this?  Why does it hurt so bad?  Feel it.  Feel all of it.  Let it kill me.  Let it consume me.  Feel it.  Like a dagger.  Like a dagger.

Want to be better.  Don’t want this.  I am envious of people that don’t feel.  Live life through their texting, Facebook, and laughter.  Marriage, children, and careers, and I am left behind.  Can I have all those things?  Where am I in this life?  35 years, 10 years in total darkness.  Sex, alcohol.  Drowning in pills.  Like a dagger.  Time, sneaking up on me.  Like a predator stalking me.  Why does he have teeth?  Why is he biting down upon me?  Take me from this life.  This hell.  Do I find Jesus? Will he be my salvation if I turn to him?  I am too far gone into my hell to find him.  Like a dagger.  Take me, aliens.  Take me up, change my brain.  Show me what I am capable of.  Make me an artist.  Make me something more than myself.  I feel like nothing.  Drowning.  More pills.  Bipolar.  Fuck.  Just take me and kill me.

Pretty deep huh?

Even though I have been feeling down in the dumps lately, my life is so much brighter today. I battle with my bipolar disorder and the highs and lows that come with it, but my medication is on point and my CPAP machine helps me with restful sleep. I do feel tired though, and I chalk it up to just being sick the past week. I am noticing that I am dramatizing my life a lot more than it is or it should be. Not everything is a meltdown, and not everything is a travesty.

Perseverance comes through the strength of the spirit, and I have just been spiritually sick these days. My trust in God has wavered, and I feel like I have been losing my way. I have to be vigilant in my fight against the Devil – he’s telling me that I am going to fail, he’s telling me I am ugly, and he’s telling me I will never see my husband again. My fault is I have been listening to these horrible thoughts in my head. We know we shouldn’t listen to that “voice,” but we do every time.

I am coming home to the realization that I am going to be okay. I may not have a high-powered career like I used to, and make all kinds of money like I did in New York, but maybe being a Peer Support Specialist won’t be a bad alternative. I go to this place called NC Works tomorrow to talk about what options I would have for a career since my mugshot is plastered all over the internet and no employer will ever hire me. There I go again, thinking extreme.

It’s a vicious cycle, isn’t it? How on Earth do we break it?

Faith. Perseverance. Strength. Hope.

Love for myself.

Stay Tuned