inspiredodyssey bipolar, Uncategorized

Nerves, Symptoms, & New Beginnings, Bipolar Doesn’t Have to Conquer You, You Can Conquer it.

me

It’s Sunday, and I still haven’t done my school assignments. Procrastination much? My boyfriend comes out of rehab Tuesday, and I am scared, excited, and nervous about that 3-hour drive upstate to get him. We’ve been through a lot in a short time, his extreme behavior battles with my extreme behavior both negatively and positively – and where most people would scoff and say our relationship is doomed – I am absolutely optimistic and know in my heart without a doubt that he is the man for me.

I’ve been doing well. After that last hospitalization (as traumatic as it was) was what I needed to jumpstart my life again after being dead and dormant for so many long miserable years. I’ve looked back on past blogs, and boy, was I fucked up. I spent nearly two decades drowning in alcohol, men online, dead-end jobs, and overall misery. Bipolar conquered me, the same way it defeats most people today. It’s the depression, it’s the mania, it’s the hopelessness that kills us every time – and when we finally are doing well, something Holy Unbelievable happens to destroy all the progress we’ve made. It’s this kind of destructive cycle that I had been faced with for all those years, and I think I have finally broken through all that horror.

Firstly, the key to my success is the right medication combination. I have admitted to myself that this combination of Respirdone, Lithium, and Seroquel will probably murder my organs by the time I reach 60, but there is really nothing I can do about it. I would rather have a full life in the next 20 years than live in misery and being symptomatic. This look at my ultimate mortality is what propels me even further, and makes me fully aware that because I have been taking these medications for so long, and my soon-to-be-husband is on just as much, we are probably both not going to live long. My goal is to enjoy every damn moment of life right frickin’ now.

I’ve also started working full-time and looking at a side business. I want to live comfortably, and I want to be happy, and I want my marriage with my man to reflect all that happiness in the short time that I have. I realize I may be overreacting and could very well live till 100, but I think the fact that I feel my life is limited, makes me appreciate every moment so much more.

Bipolar doesn’t have to conquer you – you can take that beauty, the thoughts and dreams you have in mania, and write it all down. Make art out it, create what the bipolar gift has given you, and enjoy your self-expression in new and exciting ways. I call it a bipolar gift because that’s precisely what it is – we see things others don’t, we experience realities differently than others, the rush and the excitement that we feel can’t compare to the most potent street drug and that high that people all over the world search for so much, we feel naturally because it is part of who we are.

Conquer the bipolar – go get that job, rip yourself from underneath the covers and sing, dance, or paint away all the pain.

My 40th birthday is coming in six months – I was just 24 when I was first diagnosed, and I lost 16 years in complete stupidness. Not anymore.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey bipolar, Uncategorized

Keeping it Together – Addiction and How Being in Love and Bipolar Sucks Horribly.

Drugs and Alcohol Addiction

Being away from Giovanni has been more than difficult. He NEEDS to be in rehab because things were falling apart, but what about my mental health? I have been falling apart fast and slow in the days he’s been gone, and with the aching in my chest, I am reconsidering my relationship with him.

Is this the right thing for me?

He has so many pluses in his favor. For one thing, out of all the men in my life, he has loved me the absolute most with such passion and desperate devotion that I have been looking for since I used to dream about Prince Charming when I was a kid.

Except Prince Charming didn’t do crack and cocaine.

FUCK.

The universe brought this man to me – in the worst of places – the psych ward – so I KNEW that he came with an unreasonable amount of baggage. He hid this addiction from me at first, in the fear that I would dump him because, in his eyes, I was the best kind of woman that he had ever been with – of course, I was – I ain’t no crack ho or street trash. I come from a good family, I am educated, and I am definitely employable – BUT I am a bipolar disaster with multiple hospitalizations and can’t hold a damn job for the life of me. So yes, I wasn’t a street ho, but I was still a mess – but to Giovanni, I was Lady Di compared to what he was used to.

In his own way, he was much better than I was used to as well – very attentive, sometimes overbearing, no desire to be online or play video games, has only eyes for me, and is just devoted in a way no man has ever been to me in my whole life. We are both bipolar, (he has some schitzo issues, but Invega shots take care of that), and we both were slammed together in the worst of situations. We are beautiful together, we even stay sober together because we don’t need any of that shit to enhance our relationship – the sex is better, WAY better sober anyway. It’s when I leave him and go home when the problems and the weakness to those street drugs happen because since he was abandoned to a Group Home – all that live there use all the time. He has endured a pattern of failure for a decade, almost as long as I have, and he turns to the drugs the way I used to drown in the bottle. My alcoholism was deep a few years ago- to the point where my mom found me passed out on the floor of the room and thought I overdosed on something – shit was bad.

I kicked my habit by pure willpower – and believe it or not, my parents AND the hospitalizations helped.  I was so tired of being a disappointment to my parents, and when I was in the hospital for months, I was just removed from the daily alcohol, and I just didn’t need it anymore. I am hoping by removing Giovanni from these drugs for a month will snap him out of it, even though his mom thinks he needs three months. Jesus, being away from him for three months, will absolutely KILL me, but if it’s for his sobriety, I will have to give in.

I didn’t want to date an addict. Hell no. But here I am.

It would be so easy to walk away from him if he was just his addiction – but he’s not, he’s so much more – He’s the man I love.

My bipolar madness better give it a rest until January 21st.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey bipolar, Uncategorized

Alone on Christmas – Want So Bad to Fall into Depression But I am Going To Do Something Different

Take Care of Yourself

I saw this quote on Facebook today, and it really hit home. I spent most of Christmas Eve crying, sleeping, and feeling sorry for myself. Through the stroke of sheer luck and maybe the will of God, I got to see my guy today when I dropped off cigarettes and money his mom gave me to give to him as he was being transferred from one rehab to another. Last night’s drama really ripped me apart inside – because when he called me and said he signed out of rehab and was walking the streets of Queens with all his bags, begging people to use their cell phones to call me and desperately wanting me to pick him up – I truly, truly wanted to pack a bag and just pick him up and drive into the sunset and never look back in the most romantic way possible.

But life teaches us that our consequences will bite us in the ass, which I have learned the hard way with my almost 40 years on this Earth. He is actually 40 years old, which makes me question his thinking, and when his mom kept calling me and texting me not to go pick him and leave him out there, you could actually hear my heart breaking. What I did was convince him to go back inside and work it out with them – he just desperately wants to leave and be with me, remorseful of all he’s done, and where I once thought our love could conquer anything, it can’t conquer his addiction.

I swore to myself I would never date an addict, especially since I abandoned my fiance when I was 19 to his addiction and moved on – I’m selfish and a hard person, and honestly I used to have a real problem with alcohol, so why would I take that on? You know why I am doing this now? Love didn’t just hit me this time – it straight up slammed me right in my face and knocked me over. I truly believe now that we don’t choose the ones we fall in love with – if we are looking, if our souls are calling out to the universe for the one who will complete us and ease the aching in our heart and when we get that true love, life shows us that holding on to that movie love is far from easy. I know I have movie love, only because we both are holding to each other so damn tightly – with a desperation that critics would judge us for – but dammit I fucking love this man and I am going to stand by him.

I’ve come full circle over the past 20 years, and I know that it won’t be easy. I might hate him, I might curse him, he may leave me crying on the floor to go get high – but I am in it for the long haul. Call it blind faith – call it being completely stupid – but this Christmas Eve, I am taking care of me – and while he’s been there and I’ve been waiting by the phone, instead of falling headfirst into a depression in full bipolar form – I’ve decided to write about it, stay active on a support forum, reach out to friends I haven’t spoken to in a while and keeping busy through Christmas. I may be alone without him and missing him terribly, but I did get to kiss him one last time for the next 30 days, and I am hoping he gets the help he needs.

Merry Christmas to you all, and if you have someone special in your life this year, please kiss them and hug them for me tightly – I wish so bad to be with my baby tonight and I am totally jealous.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey love, Uncategorized

Why Loving an Addict Can Break Your Heart Painfully

Two broken heart crashing on gray BG

I have to do it – break up with him. I knew all the warning signs from the start, but as an alcoholic, I thought I knew how an addict thinks, but apparently, I don’t. I kicked my addiction, and to be honest, I don’t even know I did it – but living a clean life makes me feel like I deserve a clean partner.

I wasn’t supposed to fall in love. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with this man, but I did. They say you don’t choose the one you love, that fate brings him/her to you, and it’s all written in the stars, but what if the toxins of this world, (drugs and alcohol), ruin God’s plan for your divine love? I know he’s the one for me – only because I have been looking for him a very long time, and compounded on that it took me nine years to find someone who loved me enough and I felt comfortable having sex with, which by the way was fantastic with this guy.

But is Love enough? Is devotion and heartwrenching Love enough? I am sitting writing this piece this morning saying a firm “no,” it’s not.

Last month, I let him walk all over me when he disappeared a whole night and morning and probably sold the phone I gave him for crack, to this morning where he is gone again and probably sold the other phone I gave him because he ran out of money for his addiction. He got paid from his job early this morning (midnight Thursday/Friday), from a job which he also quit, and I am not about to stick around and watch him spend his last check next week on his horrible habit. I lived with an addict before, years ago (my first fiance), and now after 20 years, a man who finally wants to marry me again is a fucking addict too. I am so sick of this shit, this disease, this epidemic. Can I find a normal guy, please?

I guess it’s what the cards dealt for me. It’s interesting because this guy is really good looking, (another real first for me), and has an amazing family – I have gotten really close to his family and everything, I just wonder why he’s been suffering like this for so long with such a good background. Drugs can ruin your whole existence, and I know if I leave him now, he will probably get destroyed and do something worse. I honestly don’t know what to do, but I can’t be with a person like this. And if I take it to my grave that he hurts himself badly or gets killed while in the streets because of me leaving him, it will kill me inside, but it’s what I have to do. My heart breaks and suffers because that may be the outcome of our breakup, but that’s his choice. I don’t want him to suffer and drown, and as the tears fall down my face, I feel like I am suffering and drowning too. The fact of the matter is he doesn’t think of me when he has money and is using – nevermind the fact that I spend all of my money on us and he spends all his money on drugs without even a thought of me – it’s fucked up.

I need to be strong. Who knows? Maybe I need to be with my best friend upstate for the rest of my life? I don’t even know if that would be a bad choice, who needs mindblowing sex anyway – God I am so misguided and confused.

The facts are this person doesn’t think of our relationship – he puts the drugs first. He can’t help it, he’s thrown in addiction, but I won’t sacrifice myself and my own mental health to save him if I can’t save myself.

This has been a very intense two months, but I better get out before I get too deep.

I don’t even know what the hell to do with the Christmas presents I bought.

He thinks he can get away with this shit, I’m done being a pushover.

I wish it didn’t hurt so bad.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey bipolar, Uncategorized

A New Love, Great Sex, And Fire Like “Love the Way You Lie” by Eminem

lust

I’ve never heard more truth in recent weeks, than a line from a song that goes, “That’s what happens when a Tornado meets a Volcano,” because it describes the kind of intensity and dysfunction of my new relationship. I have no business being with this man. He is a drug addict, a street thug, and everything I know in my heart I never wanted. But…..yes, there’s that BUT – the But is: the man loves me more intensely than any man I have never known in my life.

The sex is out of this world. The night we spent in a hotel a week ago, still plays in my mind of how he fucked me four times in one night without even breaking a sweat. The passion and intensity are real, and I wonder: Is it because we are both screwed up in the head the reason there is such fire between us? I am no one to judge anyone’s habits – I have spent the past decade drowning in bottles of Jack Daniels, frequent trips to psych wards, and not making a decent living at anything because I just gave up at life. I am no prize to be had by any man, and the man I loved for a decade always kept me at arm’s length, leaving the door open for this new love to swoop in sweep me off of my feet.

I love him, intensely too. My tears, when I curse at him, yell at him, he doesn’t fight back, which is a plus, he tries to reason with me is another plus. The most I have seen him angry at me is when he said to me: “I am going to put a fuckin’ gun to my head if I lose you, Lynn,” and in all honesty, I believe him. This relationship isn’t what I would call toxic; it is more explosive – our sex, our arguments, our passion, the intensity of his kisses – all of it – brings me back to wanting more and more. Maybe I am the drug addict too – maybe he is my cocaine and crack, and I just can’t get enough of the exquisite pain of this relationship.

He’s promised me that he’ll stop, but I don’t know if I believe him. If I abandon him, it WILL destroy him, so I have to push on and play Russian Roulette with him. He’s only relapsed once or twice in the past two months, so I thank my lucky stars that he isn’t a daily user like I was a daily alcoholic.

I think the fact that we are both damaged makes everything about us and our relationship ridiculously intense.

That and our Sex is on Fire. Literally.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life, Uncategorized

10 Ways to Start Loving Yourself The Way You Deserve To Be Loved IMMEDIATELY – Not Tomorrow, TODAY.

hug-yourself

How many of us have struggled with this? Are we in a relationship we loathe? A job we hate? A city or town that just reeks of disappointment? Why is it you think these things around you are happening or happening to you personally? How do we change our outlook? Well, firstly it starts with YOU. You are the creator and rule dominion over your universe, so you must LOVE the person you are before you can find any hope at a happy life. It is so cliché to just say “love yourself more,” so I am going to give you some tools to do something better – to love yourself the way you DESERVE to be loved. Here we go!

1) Do ONE thing for yourself every day. It could be as silly as buying something that reminds you of a happier time. (For me it was that copy of Super Mario World for my Game Boy Advance, yeah, I’m THAT old school).

2) Take 5 minutes a day for SILENCE. No phone, no TV, no games or apps in the background.

3) Create something you are proud of. Get a piece of paper and a marker, or pen or pencil and draw. It could be completely abstract or fill a bunch of hearts on a page and hang it over your bed. Seeing it every day will make you smile, I guarantee it.

4) Pay your bills. This one may seem like a stupid suggestion, but you have no idea how fulfilling it feels to know that everything is paid and taken care of. Nothing is hanging over your consciousness making you feel guilty or upset.

5) Take yourself out on a date. One of the most gratifying things I have learned in my life is to go out and sit and have a meal by myself. It doesn’t matter if people stare, you’re there for YOU not them. Oh, and if you want to wash it down with a glass of wine, enjoy it!

6) Luxurize your shower routine. Some people don’t have the patience for long bubble baths, but if you add some nice body wash or amazing shampoos and conditioners to your routine it will make a WORLD of difference. Don’t forget to get a nice Spa Cucumber and Aloe Lotion to add at the end.

7) Challenge your mind. Part of the journey of self-care is being mentally active. I am not talking about gaming, but things like crosswords or vocabulary games. If you have an Alexa, she is a plethora of challenging games and quizzes.

8) Change something about your look. A haircut, new lipstick, (or guys grow out that beard the ladies love it these days).

9) Surround yourself with positivity. It is no mystery that when we go on things like Twitter and Facebook, we can walk away feeling angry, upset or even depressed. I suggest finding chat rooms, (WireClub, Paltalk, Chat Avenue), or forums, (Hip Forums, Spirituality Forums, Blue Moon Roleplaying Forums, Elliquiy Forums, Forums at PsychCentral, eNotalone), to broaden your digital presence. The best thing though is actual real-life social networking, like mixers and Meetup.com for your area.

10) Make plenty of Lists. This one helps you get into a routine. It doesn’t matter if you do one or even anything on the list you make, it is a subconscious way of reminding yourself of what you want or what you want to make happen.

This may not seem like the usual list of ways to love yourself more, but I did it this way on purpose. Each of these things is designed to get you an immediate result. Things like losing weight or going to school take a lot of time and energy and even though they are fantastic ways for you to feel good about yourself, you don’t get that immediate sense of accomplishment. My tips are designed to give you peace, love, and self-reflection so you can be on your way to falling in love with the main person in your life: YOU!

Stay tuned.

Infuse your life with action. Don’t wait for it to happen. Make it happen. Make your future. Make your hope. Make your love. And whatever your beliefs, honor your creator, not by passively waiting for grace to come down from upon high, but by doing what you can to make grace happen… yourself, right now, right down here on Earth.

~Bradley Whitford

inspiredodyssey work

Serendipity – What a Sweet Word

happy

First of all, I want to thank all the new followers for my little baby blog that I just started. Everyone has been so wonderful and supportive so I thought I would return the favor. Forums at Psych Central is the best place for help with anything you may be going through, whether it be relationships, mental health, or you just want company that is supportive. It has been a wealth of knowledge for me over the years, and the people there and staff are so helpful if you’re struggling and need help. You can also visit PsychCentral.com to access hundreds of quizzes and articles to see if you suffer from bipolar, depression or anything else.

I will be honest and say it’s been a rough year. I had just crawled out of a hole I made for myself after a blowout manic episode that lasted longer than it should have and soon realized that it buried me under a mountain of debt which I found out today was $22,000!!!! – LIKE WTF???? Jesus, if you’re out there help me, please. Seriously, OUCH.

But that brings me back to my favorite word: Serendipity. Now, I am stealing that from that amazing movie with John Cusack and Kate Bekingsdale, BUT I feel my life has been littered with all these little serendipitous events over the years. First of all, I need to thank God for the fact that some error somewhere eliminated all the hospital bills from all the hospitalizations and doctors that I went through – seriously – some cosmic hand played a part in all that. And for those of you who don’t believe, I will say this much: I am not and never was a religious person in my life, but spending 10 months, (5 months of that in isolation), I found comfort in the only book I was allowed to keep with me: The New Testament, NOT the Bible, just The New Testament. People can argue that religion has turned into such a dirty word, (not sure why really), but you don’t have to be religious to appreciate a positive message of hope, which that book gave me. In fact, there are certain things that just NEED to be appreciated, like the one that was shared with me just this morning:

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
~RUMI

Thank you, fellow bipolar survivor, for exposing me to such a powerful, and comforting poem. I always knew that Rumi was amazing, and finding out about more of his hidden treasures always brings a tear to my eye.

So for you that don’t know, serendipity is this:

Serendipity
NOUN
  1. the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way.

  2. “a fortunate stroke of serendipity” ·

  3. [more]
  4. synonyms:
  5. chance · happy chance · accident · happy accident · fluke · luck · good luck · good fortune · fortuity · fortuitousness · providence · coincidence · happy coincidence

So far, I have been a wonderful beneficiary of “happy chance” especially with all the car accidents, crazy circumstances, hospitalizations and drunken debaucheries I have experienced in my life. I have had a very exciting life, but would I call it exciting now? Or would I call it just recklessness, and SO reckless that I am lucky to be alive? It’s weird how things come into your mind as you approach 40.

So my serendipity for today:

If I didn’t have a horrible day and breakdown yesterday and exposed my vulnerability to my very wonderful, but very worried best friend, I would have never changed Debt Consolidation companies today, saved about $100 a month, and now possibly have $2000 coming to me from a Savings Account that would be owed to me from my old Debt Consolidation company. SURE the smart thing would be to put ALL of that money into the new company, but I am going to play it smart. I am going to keep some emergency cash at home in a safe, (it’s funny I knew this was a great idea and everybody should do it, and I even have the safe but no money, lol), and keep the rest in my account for emergencies.

I am also going to start my writing career up again by joining this site:

Writer’s Work – $47

Now, I know you’ve probably seen their ads on Facebook, (if you’re even on there, I know most people are anti-social media these days), AND there are a lot of people about there who are making “reviews” and calling it a scam. Now, from personal research on this hear me out: For $47 you get a Lifetime Membership to ALL their services, which is expensive and big bucks to a lot of people, (especially me), but is it worth it? Well, they do have a money-back guarantee in 30 days, so you can easily just try it out, but WHY all the negative reviews?

First and foremost: people that sign up don’t put in the work. Like with any career services, or in this case a “freelance writer start-up,” you are going to have to put in the work. Now, I know this may seem like an obvious thing, but the fact of the matter is, in this world people want $60000 a year handed to them on a platter – I know, I used to work in Human Resources, and I saw it time and time again. And I hate to say it, but all those negative reviews I read sounded like lazy, unmotivated people who just didn’t like that they weren’t making $20 an hour instantly. It takes work to build up a profile and put yourself out there to companies. In essence, you’re selling yourself, and if you aren’t good at that, then maybe you shouldn’t invest in something that you think will GIVE you everything. It’s such common sense.

BUT…….

The bad thing is: they sell you on the idea that you can get everything instantly. I get it, totally their fault, but they are out to make money. But what people don’t realize is for $47 you’re getting a Lifetime membership to a RIDICULOUS amount of software and services to help you start your freelance writing career. There are a lot of negatives like they don’t have the best job boards, or their profile creation tool is weak, but come on, you’re paying for Netflix $156 a year to do what? Binge-watch shows and movies when you could be making extra money?

And the reviews that got me the MOST were the ones saying; “Read my review on WritersWork, I have the most unbiased and honest review out there.” Do you know what happened when I clicked on it? Within 30 seconds of reading this review, I was immediately directed to a site SELLING WRITER SERVICES. Haha! Talk about unbiased! And the most hilarious thing was when I closed the window and reopened the review again, after 30 seconds I was directed to buy their services, again!!!! So I had to keep closing and opening to read the whole damn thing! Why did I bother? God knows. Haha.

Anyway, maybe serendipity will work in your favor on this beautiful Saturday afternoon.

Maybe you’ll get the help you need at PsychCentral, or maybe you’ll go the route I’m going with Writer’sWork.

Whatever your dreams are, remember the only one standing in your way is you.

I learned that the hard way.

Stay Tuned.

 

 

inspiredodyssey bipolar

When You Cross The Line and Just, Well, Implode

a.baa-Ruff-Day

Today, was a bad day.  Have you ever let anything really minor upset you terribly? Things are so out of your control and power that you implode and show the worst parts of yourself to your significant other? How do you recover from the embarrassment from something like that? I know my partner isn’t mad at me, but I know I really let him down tonight.

I have always kept money out of my relationship. For almost 9 years, money was never an issue for me and I never brought it up to my partner. I would have always had enough to cover birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas and even an unforeseen expense in which I would show my partner, “I got this,” even though I’m on a very fixed income of disability.

I was on the road to recovery last year. Everything was working out; I finally fixed my credit score and history, I was just approved for an $8000 loan, and I had made it to the top of the list for a job in my county because I aced a Civil Service Exam. All my dreams were coming true and I could finally put my whole history of this horrible bipolar disorder, hospitalizations, debt and overall ugliness of the past 11 years behind me.

Until “IT” happened. The thing that we as bipolar victims dread most in life – an episode happens whether it be manic or depressed, that literally destroys EVERYTHING you worked so damn hard to achieve. It’s horrible what happens to us as mental health victims, (and I call us victims because of all the suffering associated with this dreaded curse of ours), but it’s not only the trauma but its the stigma that we deal with day after day for the rest of our lives from society, our community, family and peers.

The worst thing in the world happened to me when I had made such progress in my life and was about to embark on a career, good credit, and future. I had a severe manic episode that led to a ten-month hospitalization. It was no one’s fault, these things just happen right? I mean that’s what all the doctors can come up with – so it’s like here: we’ll give you all these medications for a life sentence of bipolar, but they may or may not work one day and your whole life may be destroyed by an episode.

WTF???????

Exactly my thoughts.

Anyway, back to crossing the line with my partner. Needless to say my credit was destroyed because I couldn’t pay my bills for ten months from the hospital, (there is no credit forgiveness if you’re hospitalized and “bonus,” if you want that kind of credit protection it costs about $30 a month PER card), the Civil Service Office gave away my job to the next one in line, and I was completely screwed.

As part of the rebuilding of my life, I have started investing in my writing career, I am in school for Business Management and I have been trying to get some classes to brush up on my Microsoft Office skills, so things were looking up,

UNTIL…..

Here comes the bipolar panic:

I saw a course for Excel on sale for $34 tonight, and I realized I don’t have $34 to my name. I have $22 on one credit card, $16 on another one and $10 in the bank UNTIL AUGUST 3rd. It would be nice if they let you split payments like in the old days, but they don’t today. How did I let it get this bad??? Why are my finances so OUT OF CONTROL?? I haven’t been manic or spending a lot, how is it that I’m THIS BROKE with no kind of back-up???

I started crying, ready to kill myself over this Excel course and the fact that I have no money, no savings, and my partner saw all that. For the first time in my relationship, I have been asking him for money, and I feel terrible about it. Wouldn’t you want a partner who is financially responsible and not a trainwreck? I would. I would dump me if I was with me.

Anyway, I let it get out of hand because all week I have been trying to get this course, and all I had been hitting is ridiculous roadblocks – no one at my current school would help me find out about these kinds of courses no matter how many times I called or who I spoke to, apparently since I was assigned a Student Services Advisor no one was allowed to help me but her. Okay, so what if the woman decides to never return my phone calls or emails all day? EXACTLY. And earlier in the week, I drove all the way out to my old Business school, (apparently you’re not allowed to find out about refresher courses over the phone you have to do them in person), so I wasted gas, time and energy for them to tell me the refresher Office courses won’t be available for another 5 months? And I was not allowed to hear this information over the phone…….why again??? WHAT???

I guess the frustration built up to a complete breaking point. The urgency of the matter is I need to move out on my own by next year. I had literally wasted about 11 years in a bipolar haze living on disability, living with my parents, thinking what? That they would take care of me forever?

I guess the moral of this whole story is, ALWAYS PLAN FOR YOUR FUTURE ladies and gentlemen. I am SO unbelievably lucky that my family was here to weather this bipolar storm with me; I have suffered so long with it, and just when I think I’m okay, something Holy Catastrophic happens. Guess that’s life right? Yeah, I guess. But serioously WTF???

If you guys can relate to any of this madness, please hit me with a like, it would really make my night. 🙂

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Are You Happy In Life??

rain

Do you think you have the perfect career? Are you happy in your relationship(s)? Is there something missing in your life where you find yourself constantly searching, but can never find it?

Welcome to my world.

Hi, my name is Lynn and I am a writer in my 30s, from New York. Recently, I discovered that writing is mostly a hobby, and not really a career path, so I am in school for Business Management to try and figure it all out. It’s like that lightbulb went off when I noticed how everybody has jumped on the bandwagon of “freelance writer,” and I realized the market it just way too saturated with this type of profession. I think when Carrie Bradshaw showcased her life on “Sex and the City” every woman in New York was wondering: “In what universe can you write a couple of times a week for a no-name newspaper, and afford $500 shoes?” Trust me, I’ve lived in this city my whole life, and that crap is just straight-up fiction.

And what about relationships? Well, I am happy to say that it will be almost a decade that my best friend and I are still together. Why “best friend” and not “boyfriend?” Well, he is too old to be a “boy” friend, and secondly, I have always wanted to keep my options open; I am a “lots of options” type girl. But over the years, I realized, this is the guy for me and everything else is just an extra – and extra not being sleeping with a bunch of men on the side, just having an inordinate number of male friends, (and steamy co-writer partners), that most people don’t have the luxury of having. So you see, what I have works for both of us and works well. He is about an hour away by car, and I think I am going to keep our living situations this way until we both retire, then we can get married and grow old together. My set-up is pretty sweet, and I have to say I have no regrets, even though “I have no regrets” has turned into some new-age fix-it-all for modern-day problems and is now totally a cliché thing to say. But aren’t some cliché’s still relevant today? And to me, the biggest cliché that’s running around these days is: “online dating works.” I think if you survey all the people who are online dating right now, about 80% of them will tell you it’s crap turned over twice and all over your shoe. I will be talking about online dating more in this blog later on though because I think it’s such a fascinating subject.

This brings me to you guys.

Is it just me, or is it that with all this technology, all these great ways to meet new people, and all the advancements we’re making, are driving human beings apart? Are all these digital interactions killing us? Does it all leave you with an unsatisfied feeling at the end of the day, even though things are going well?

I think as a whole, we are losing our humanity. I was talking to my friend the other day and we were discussing the term “binging.” Wasn’t binging a negative term described in eating disorders? Why did such an ugly term become commonplace? Don’t we realize its unhealthy to binge, even though we think, “well it’s just Netflix?” A series isn’t made for the purpose of binging, well at least years ago it wasn’t.  I can remember every episode of “Star Trek the Next Generation,” “Knight Rider,” and “The A-Team,” because I had to wait a whole week to watch each episode. Since everything is available to stream and I was guilty of binging “Battlestar Galactica” a few years ago, I can honestly report to you, I have no frickin’ idea what half those episodes were about. Do you see what I mean?

It’s unhealthy.

We’re unhealthy.

So, what do we do??

Since this is my first blog post, what do you think we should do to make ourselves more human, more satisfied with life?

I totally would love to hear some of your ideas.

Stay tuned.