What comes to mind? My ex-husband. Right now, he’s in NUMC, one of the worst mental hospitals in New York. My mind goes back to a time where I was just as hopeless as him, where I was at the mercy of the mental health system, to where I am at now.
I have been considering tapering down on my meds, which is really risky, but I want to do it. I have been sleeping sound, (thanks to my CPAP machine), for over two years now, and I have come to a point where I believe I don’t need to be on such heavy drugs. A couple of friends of mine made some points to me, one being that I have been so stable the past two years, BECAUSE I have been taking my meds regularly, not in spite of them. One could argue, I never allowed to give myself a chance to be mentally fit because I was always drinking, or in my ex-husband’s case, taking drugs. But coming up on three years clean and sober, I can think of a different path for my life than the endless revolving door of the mental health system that I was subject to just five years ago.
It’s really easy to go down the rabbit hole of mental institutions, especially when drugs and alcohol are involved. My ex-husband keeps saying he doesn’t drink, so that makes him okay and not an addict, but a total crack binge for 4 days in the streets once a month is normal to him. I can only say that now we are in totally different worlds, where I left that whole path of self-destruction.
Was I saved? Was it God? I don’t know. My ex-husband believes in God, but I think the only God that saves him when he gets in trouble time and time again. For me, my path was laid before me after intense personal turmoil and torture – a cycle of in and out the hospitals that spanned well over a decade, and an addiction to alcohol that lasted close to a quarter of a century. Why was I spared? I don’t know the answer to that either – but one thing is for sure – the rabbit hole for me finally bottomed out and I am free and clear for a bright new future – single again, but definitely mentally sound.
This room took a lot of work and soul searching. I had let this back room sit for months with all of my husband’s stuff all over, looking at it every day and getting more and more depressed. Moving on has been really hard; I listened to “Green Eyes” by ColdPlay today and started bawling my eyes out because it’s a song he used to sing to me in jail to keep him going. I feel guilty that I used to keep him going. His mom tells me I am the only friend he has in the world, and it’s so hard for me to hear that because I had to walk away.
This process has been both painful and freeing. I have never felt so confident, and proud, and at the same time so sad. I loved this man with all my heart. I know he is so bad for me. He has been in the streets so much since he has been back in New York, (I sent him on a bus back there from my house months ago), and all he has done is gone down a path of self-destruction. He has no purpose, no direction, and all he can see are those drugs – those are his obsession, and as much as he wants to say he loves me – he loves them more.
But my second bedroom is finished, and I am moving on with my life. Now I have a place for my friends to stay over when they need to. I feel accomplished and like I’m moving in the right direction.
So, after a long period of time of not knowing what I wanted to do with my life, I am in a position to really make a difference in the next 10 years. All my experiences, all my success, everything I have been able to accomplish will finally come to light in the next decade. I have decided to finally work on my book this summer which is the prelude to the future career that I want to make for myself.
I have been doing a lot for the past 4 months, but I don’t have a real direction. I have been so obsessed with everything going on with my ex, that I haven’t concentrated at all on my myself. The last I heard he had shown back up at his mom’s house after a long drug binge that lasted four days and she sent him straight to the local psych ward to be evaluated. This is the third time this month this has happened, and after all this back and forth I can finally say I am finally able to break free. He hasn’t reached out to me, and I really hope he doesn’t because I have invested so much into him, I have neglected myself – hopefully, all of that is done now.
Anyway, I think it’s a scary venture, to really look at yourself and decide what you are going to do with the rest of your life. Living in darkness for so long in a bipolar haze has definitely clouded any hopes and dreams I could have possibly had for the future. I had also spent so long yearning so bad for any kind of relationship, that out of desperation I settled for the first man that gave me any kind of attention and breaking free has been an enormous feat. But also, being sober almost three years, (next week Saturday), and getting a good night’s sleep every night has impacted my mental health in a very positive way. It’s a story that needs to be told – a person that lost everything, her hopes, her dreams, her career, and most importantly her sanity at the tender age of 24 – to going through the mental health system for close to 20 years with a hospitalization every year during that time, to going to jail, being homeless, and finally bouncing back and having an amazing life through all of that.
I am literally like the Phoenix that arose out of such miserable ashes. My apartment, my job, my car, my family, my friends – all of the luxuries that I enjoy today, came to me by a lot of hard work, dedication and the Grace from God. I couldn’t have done this on my own – but to come through to a positive place after so many years of desolation is a beacon of hope to so many others that are still suffering. Like I mentioned, I feel my story needs to be told, and I want to accomplish that in the next 10 years.
I hope to also be able to open up a non-profit organization to help others who suffer from addiction and mental health issues. It is just a dream right now, but I honestly believe it can be a reality. I also want to let the many women out there know that there is hope, that they are beautiful, that they are worth it, and they don’t need to stay in a relationship that brings them pain. Matter of fact, that goes for both men and women because I know men suffer in those kinds of situations too. I hope to help as many people as I can in the upcoming years.
Cheers to the future! (with a non-alcoholic drink)
The biggest positive change in my life has been my success over addiction. No drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, vapes, even coffee, porn, video games and sweets. How did I do this? I would like to say it was just will power, but it was substitution. I found things in my life I loved to do – whether it be writing, hanging out with friends, or just being lazy and watching TV all day.
The success that I feel is really over alcohol. That was the main one. I will be three years sober in three weeks, and even though I am still early in sobriety, I feel accomplished. I had spent so many years at the bottom of the bottle, that it took 10 months in a dirty county jail during COVID, 15 months in rehab and another 9 months in sober living, for me to finally “get it.” But I noticed that when I started really living again, that all the other habits that are addicting left me too. The other big one was porn. I had a porn addiction for the longest time, but with going to church every Sunday and finding real faith, that addiction left me too.
Look, I am not going to preach to you about God, but there is some truth to overcoming addictions through your higher power. You have to search deep within yourself to find Him and ask every day for the freedom from the thing that traps you in a vicious cycle. Finding my faith is the biggest advocate to me breaking the chains of so many addictions. Living a clean life isn’t boring either, I actually FEEL more in my life than I ever have before. I spent so many years being numb and high, I didn’t even know what it was like to feel real feelings.
I am the point in my life where I feel also feel kind of guilty for where I’m at too. My husband is out there in the streets tonight doing drugs and has been missing for two days, since the eclipse. It has been the hardest breakup I have ever had to endure, especially when I want so badly to help him and be a part of a loving marriage again. He loves his drugs more than me though, something that I have had to accept. I have also had to accept that even though I beat most of the common addictions, I am still addicted to his love that’s why every time I say I’m done, I end up breaking down and calling him. Being loved is the hardest addiction to let go of, but I think I am finally over this one too. I changed my number today, and I think I’m finally done.
It has taken a lot of strength and growth to get to this point, and it isn’t for the faint of heart. Some might find me cold-hearted or even robotic, but I assure you I am more emotional than you know- I just channel it in different ways now. I hope wherever you are you find your peace, just like I wish for my husband. But for now, I can say I am free from addiction.
Stay tuned.
Daily writing prompt
Describe one positive change you have made in your life.
It is no mystery; I am the queen of beating myself up. Whether I am calling myself fat and ugly or just plain unworthy, I wish more and more I could be more kind to myself every day. I started making a video diary of my life and how I am dealing with this breakup with my husband. Today is day three of no-contact and he is still leaving me voicemails about how he is blocked and that he knows I don’t want to talk to him anymore. I am hoping this stops over time, but I may end up having to change my number all together.
The fact of the matter is this man has been part of my life a very long time. and this “bully” as my therapist calls it, finally got quiet when my husband was in my life. The things I would say to myself in the past, and the way I used to drown in my sorrows was directly related on whether or not I had a man in my life – and these days the absence of my husband has me feeling relieved and at the same time, empty and hollow of that validation he used to give me. And then that “bully” has come back in full force telling me all the horrible things I hate about myself, which by the way, friends have reminded me these are things I would never tell anyone else about themselves.
I am not ready to find anyone else, but I do want to get into the practice of loving myself more. I wish I could get into the habit of saying nice things to myself every day. Why is that so hard? I have 20 things on my gratitude list, can’t I see how God has blessed me in so many amazing ways? I have a friend who told me that his main goal is to be where I am at in life right now. That is an amazing compliment. Yes, I am not rich, but I have all my needs met. I am comfortable, with amazing friends and family and I need to stop getting hung up on this whole “weight” issue and what I look like on the outside because it wasn’t an issue at all when my husband was in my life. Why does it take someone or something external to make me feel good about myself?
That’s one of the main things I wish I could do more every day – just be more grateful and accepting of myself in my own skin.
What a life! Never would I have imagined I would have gotten here. I have faced madness, jails, institutions and death so many times over. Yeah, sure, you’ve lived almost 20 years in darkness, but that was just the beginning of what was yet to come.
You have faced such tragedy, but thank you for becoming kinder to yourself in your later years.
Thanks to the memories you learned to create, realizing that sobriety was the ultimate key to peace of mind.
Thank you for always remembering the people who made a difference in your life – all the letters you wrote to them, and all your messages and phone calls made such a difference.
Thank you for letting yourself love Giovanni so much. He didn’t want to help himself in the end, but you were able to love with him with your whole heart and he helped you experience love that was so deep that it lasted a lifetime.
And most of all thank you God for allowing me to live this long. To see everything as it became real, to see the world change from the 1980’s till now. To experience life in the fast lane, the slow lane, the crazy lane, the lanes without lines have been priceless, thank you just thank you.
You lived a good life Lynn, there will never be another like you.
This seems like a beaten to death lesson, because everywhere you look, someone is saying the “attitude of gratitude” is the key to a happy life. But is it really? I have to say, YES. I have spent a very long time beating myself up, feeling the worst of the worst for my sinful nature, enveloped in my own sense of self. This self-serving way of living kept me locked in a box for 15 years – feeling so fat and ugly I couldn’t even function in society – well, jokes on me because I am 50 pounds heavier than I was then living the best life I could possibly live now! Who knew?
It all comes from the art of gratitude. It is, in essence an art. Today was a crazy day. It poured like crazy in my city and I was running around trying to get everything done. I had one of the most productive days of my life, but not once did I say a simple “thank you.” That’s my biggest mistake right there, and I am working hard at rectifying it. So, every day, I am skillfully homing in on my craft and recognizing how I can master this art.
I sent my husband away months ago and have been living the best life I can live on my own. The sense of independence is intoxicating, so much so that I don’t need any kind of substance to replicate the high of being on my own every day. My comfy bed, which used to be my nemesis because it used to beckon me at all hours of the day where I wasted away my life, is no longer an enemy, but a friend to be made pretty every morning so I can be welcomed at night. I make sure I make my bed in the morning now, so there is no chance I will find myself crawling back in it during the day. It’s little practices like that I have adapted which make me grateful for everything I have today.
I turn 44 this year. I was at a point in where I believed I needed to be married with a family so badly, that living on my own would be such a sad and lonely existence, but I think it was the unknown that I feared. This unknown territory is scary, (the lights went out for a few moments earlier this evening, and I panicked at being alone here in the dark), but again I am grateful the lights came back on and can practice at least ten more things I am thankful for before bed.
Gratitude is a state of being. Vibrations dictate that if you exude gratitude, positive things will come to you – that’s the most basic principle of the Law of Attraction which isn’t just some “woo woo” nonsense that I once thought it was. There is an art to this practice, that has to be done with care and love as if it is a child you are nurturing. You are nurturing your own psyche, telling the subconscious mind, (which is like a child), the most basic affirmations: “I am beautiful, I am a millionaire, I am happy” simple action statements which you confirm throughout the day with life’s little gifts. See affirmations don’t work if they are not confirmed. All you need is a speck of proof that these affirmations work by practicing the art of gratitude to make them a reality, or as close to reality as possible. The confirmation that I am a millionaire is the most basic. I am a millionaire because I live 30 minutes away from my loving parents and spent every Sunday with them. I am a millionaire because I have so many friends and people who love me when I never had a single friend all those years ago. I am a millionaire because I have no want or need, my bills are paid, I have a full fridge, and I wake up with no worry, not a single one. It may not be in “dollars”, but I am a millionaire, nonetheless.
I am a firm believer, (especially after reading some of my old blogs), that God has blessed me with the one thing I am the most grateful for: peace. All the weight I gained, all the bumps on my face, the clothes that don’t fit me, the guys that don’t look at me anymore, the empty bed, the scary nights when the power goes out, the nights of loneliness, all of that does not compare to the PEACE I have found. All those things are infinitesimal compared to the epitome of peace.
And how do you get that peace? Gratitude. Just that simple.
And that’s the last thing that I have learned, the most important lesson of my life.
Always missing the target. Is this what we all do, like ALL the time? We don’t make enough money, we don’t have a partner, we can’t see to get down to an ideal weight, just mountains of complaints. But I think the big one is complaining that we are not happy.
Happiness is not something that can be obtained. I learned this through a lot of trial and error. There will always be something that we want or strive for, and we keep missing the actual blessings that we have already received. Have you ever noticed that we’re always trying to obtain that One Thing we think we’re missing? What I mean is, I have found myself in a situation with mourning over my failed relationship when I have so many other riches some people would kill for. I am living comfortably, with an OK job that pays the bills, I have a nice reliable car, some extra passive income, and my very own place with absolute peace of mind. So why am I beating myself up so much about this failed relationship?
It’s because it’s what we do, that’s why. The Human Condition is so effed up sometimes. I am literally tormenting myself to the point where my mental health is suffering too. I am not sleeping AT ALL, causing me more worry and heartache than anything else. And for what? For love? You guys don’t really know my story, but I have been chasing men for the past 20 years, hoping to find love so badly that I ignore everything else, including all the red flags. God has saved me so many times, especially through all the jails and institutions, and honestly, I need to start appreciating the blessings.
People keep telling me to make gratitude lists, but that’s not really my thing. Affirmations are a little better for me. It kind of solidifies the things I have trouble putting on the gratitude lists. But the complaining and the whining happens anyway. Sometimes I feel like a 4-year-old in an older lady’s body. What I do to myself is nothing less than a tantrum. So, today’s lesson is less complaining more thankfulness. I don’t know how well I can stick to it, but just for today, I am going to try my hardest.
Where is the one place in the house that you avoid? For me it is the never-ending clutter of the back closet. I have shoved so much crap in there – old clothes, pictures, scrapbooks, everything that I have been trying to shove in the back corner of my life. However, my back closet has spilled over into an entire room of junk. I have no idea why I keep all this stuff or why I haven’t taken the time to clean it out.
The departure of my husband hasn’t helped the situation. I have completely avoided that back room and back closet because the whole thing is too hard to face. It’s becoming difficult because my entire home is clean and tidy except that one back room where I have now concluded is where I hide all my fears and pain that I am trying to avoid.
One of these days I am definitely going to have to face it. In the upcoming months, I will be shipping my husband’s clothes back to him in New York and will have to try and at least tidy up back there as well as tidy up my feelings. I have also concluded that these things are intertwined, and a lot of my avoidant behavior comes from the fact that I don’t like confrontation or even facing my fears or tackling them head on. So, the clutter in my life, (as the daily writing prompt suggests), is both physical as well as mental and will take a lot of hard work to address because my complacency has completely set in. I honestly don’t feel like dealing with it, I feel like hiding from it where it is safe and warm. How do I get myself out of it? Your guess is as good as mine.
What a wonderful thought isn’t it? Or wouldn’t it be? I know it seems a bit generic, but I believe kindness goes a long way. People aren’t kind anymore at all. In New York, where I am originally from, it is eat or be eaten or basically who can step on one another first – I just never adapted to that or was that type of person.
This daily prompt invoked a thought of a song I used to sing when I was younger that I loved from the early 2000’s; it was called “If I Die Young.” As I think about what I hope people say about me, I also think about what they would say after I die. Would they say nice things? Will people who I have harmed in my addiction and bipolar sprees come back and say I was evil and mean? I try to be a kind person these days, learning a lot from the mistakes of my past. It has a lot to do with being in recovery and remembering to make amends every day. It’s about taking an inventory at night of the wrongs that I may have done during the day and hoping to make it right tomorrow.
We often don’t think about stealing a screw at a Home Depot stealing, or cutting someone off in traffic because we can as a wrongdoing, but it is. And I’m sorry but saying “please” and “thank you” and even “God Bless You” is so important as well. I don’t think people even hold doors open for each other anymore. I don’t know what the world is coming to, but I am going to remain kind and continue to pay it forward for as long as I am alive. I just hope that is what people are saying about me at least.
An Inspired Odyssey Through✨️Ink & Stardust✨️ 