inspiredodyssey bipolar, Uncategorized

Alone on Christmas – Want So Bad to Fall into Depression But I am Going To Do Something Different

Take Care of Yourself

I saw this quote on Facebook today, and it really hit home. I spent most of Christmas Eve crying, sleeping, and feeling sorry for myself. Through the stroke of sheer luck and maybe the will of God, I got to see my guy today when I dropped off cigarettes and money his mom gave me to give to him as he was being transferred from one rehab to another. Last night’s drama really ripped me apart inside – because when he called me and said he signed out of rehab and was walking the streets of Queens with all his bags, begging people to use their cell phones to call me and desperately wanting me to pick him up – I truly, truly wanted to pack a bag and just pick him up and drive into the sunset and never look back in the most romantic way possible.

But life teaches us that our consequences will bite us in the ass, which I have learned the hard way with my almost 40 years on this Earth. He is actually 40 years old, which makes me question his thinking, and when his mom kept calling me and texting me not to go pick him and leave him out there, you could actually hear my heart breaking. What I did was convince him to go back inside and work it out with them – he just desperately wants to leave and be with me, remorseful of all he’s done, and where I once thought our love could conquer anything, it can’t conquer his addiction.

I swore to myself I would never date an addict, especially since I abandoned my fiance when I was 19 to his addiction and moved on – I’m selfish and a hard person, and honestly I used to have a real problem with alcohol, so why would I take that on? You know why I am doing this now? Love didn’t just hit me this time – it straight up slammed me right in my face and knocked me over. I truly believe now that we don’t choose the ones we fall in love with – if we are looking, if our souls are calling out to the universe for the one who will complete us and ease the aching in our heart and when we get that true love, life shows us that holding on to that movie love is far from easy. I know I have movie love, only because we both are holding to each other so damn tightly – with a desperation that critics would judge us for – but dammit I fucking love this man and I am going to stand by him.

I’ve come full circle over the past 20 years, and I know that it won’t be easy. I might hate him, I might curse him, he may leave me crying on the floor to go get high – but I am in it for the long haul. Call it blind faith – call it being completely stupid – but this Christmas Eve, I am taking care of me – and while he’s been there and I’ve been waiting by the phone, instead of falling headfirst into a depression in full bipolar form – I’ve decided to write about it, stay active on a support forum, reach out to friends I haven’t spoken to in a while and keeping busy through Christmas. I may be alone without him and missing him terribly, but I did get to kiss him one last time for the next 30 days, and I am hoping he gets the help he needs.

Merry Christmas to you all, and if you have someone special in your life this year, please kiss them and hug them for me tightly – I wish so bad to be with my baby tonight and I am totally jealous.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey Uncategorized

The Turning Point – Recovery, Rehab, Choices, Mind Blowing Sex,Turmoil, and A Fresh New Start in a New State

pink hear

What a title, right? To call the last two months, a lifetime of drama is an understatement. My relationship has been explosive, lustful, passionate, exquisitely painful, and mind-numbingly fluid in ways that have left every previous relationship a pile of dust in the wind. This man is a broken version of me from years ago, and all the worst parts that I see of myself. His addiction got him mandated into rehab, which I think is the best course of action for now. But there are elements to it that I am just not comfortable with.

He’s walked alone for a long time – alone in the streets, knee-deep in poverty, desperately hoping someone would love him. Then I came along, meeting him in the worst place you could possibly meet someone – the psych ward. Now, I know what you’re thinking, how could I make a relationship out of such chaos and dysfunction? Well, to be honest, my madness knows his madness like the man we all know who walked on water 2,000 years ago. I bring up that analogy because we both have a deep faith, we both have a strong passion and we both are exactly one year apart in age, (and one week apart in birthdays, how cool is it to find someone who is your zodiac sign?) This man knows the way my mind works, he once told me he loves the way my hip moves when I walk, the crookedness of my smile when I am sexy, the way my eyes widen when he fucks me, the way I sing my heart out at the same songs he knows – we are a match made in the stars, and I would be a fool to say I am going to walk away because he doesn’t his shit together yet – I frickin don’t have my shit together yet.

So would the analogy be my madness knows his madness, or does my failures know his failures, or do my inadequacies know his so well make sense? The last thing couples want to do is to relate to each other by their horrible qualities, but I think that kind of struggle and realness is necessary for the longevity of true love. I saw the rawness of him, and he saw the rawness of me from day one – we saw in each other all the things that people hide from each other in relationships, times ten.

Our relationship has been explosive. We have had painful fights and disappointments that would break up most couples. The fact is, though, we NEED each other. That kind of desperation is far from healthy, but that’s what we are. All of his dysfunction comes from his environment and his family, and since mine is moving down south, I think I am going to follow them and take him with me. I LOVE New York – I love everything about this city, and never in a million years would I have considered moving – but for him? I will drop everything and be gone tomorrow. I believe in this so much, I believe in him so much, that I can honestly say I can leave my whole world behind to start anew. A fresh start is what we both need badly because I think “people places and things” can also make or break a relationship.

And the sex is well – too good to even describe. I have heard stories about women who couldn’t orgasm from penetration, I was one of them – but with him – it’s earth-shattering orgasms with whatever he does. I never met a man who electrified my lust like him – and I have never had 4 or 5 orgasms in one night like it is with him. Is it true that crazy sex is the best sex on the planet? I am starting to think there is really something to that.

In all, I think the best thing for his recovery is a new environment – a new place where we can start over and build a life. I never thought I would ever leave New York – but to ensure my happiness with the man that I love? I am all for it.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey love, Uncategorized

Why Loving an Addict Can Break Your Heart Painfully

Two broken heart crashing on gray BG

I have to do it – break up with him. I knew all the warning signs from the start, but as an alcoholic, I thought I knew how an addict thinks, but apparently, I don’t. I kicked my addiction, and to be honest, I don’t even know I did it – but living a clean life makes me feel like I deserve a clean partner.

I wasn’t supposed to fall in love. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with this man, but I did. They say you don’t choose the one you love, that fate brings him/her to you, and it’s all written in the stars, but what if the toxins of this world, (drugs and alcohol), ruin God’s plan for your divine love? I know he’s the one for me – only because I have been looking for him a very long time, and compounded on that it took me nine years to find someone who loved me enough and I felt comfortable having sex with, which by the way was fantastic with this guy.

But is Love enough? Is devotion and heartwrenching Love enough? I am sitting writing this piece this morning saying a firm “no,” it’s not.

Last month, I let him walk all over me when he disappeared a whole night and morning and probably sold the phone I gave him for crack, to this morning where he is gone again and probably sold the other phone I gave him because he ran out of money for his addiction. He got paid from his job early this morning (midnight Thursday/Friday), from a job which he also quit, and I am not about to stick around and watch him spend his last check next week on his horrible habit. I lived with an addict before, years ago (my first fiance), and now after 20 years, a man who finally wants to marry me again is a fucking addict too. I am so sick of this shit, this disease, this epidemic. Can I find a normal guy, please?

I guess it’s what the cards dealt for me. It’s interesting because this guy is really good looking, (another real first for me), and has an amazing family – I have gotten really close to his family and everything, I just wonder why he’s been suffering like this for so long with such a good background. Drugs can ruin your whole existence, and I know if I leave him now, he will probably get destroyed and do something worse. I honestly don’t know what to do, but I can’t be with a person like this. And if I take it to my grave that he hurts himself badly or gets killed while in the streets because of me leaving him, it will kill me inside, but it’s what I have to do. My heart breaks and suffers because that may be the outcome of our breakup, but that’s his choice. I don’t want him to suffer and drown, and as the tears fall down my face, I feel like I am suffering and drowning too. The fact of the matter is he doesn’t think of me when he has money and is using – nevermind the fact that I spend all of my money on us and he spends all his money on drugs without even a thought of me – it’s fucked up.

I need to be strong. Who knows? Maybe I need to be with my best friend upstate for the rest of my life? I don’t even know if that would be a bad choice, who needs mindblowing sex anyway – God I am so misguided and confused.

The facts are this person doesn’t think of our relationship – he puts the drugs first. He can’t help it, he’s thrown in addiction, but I won’t sacrifice myself and my own mental health to save him if I can’t save myself.

This has been a very intense two months, but I better get out before I get too deep.

I don’t even know what the hell to do with the Christmas presents I bought.

He thinks he can get away with this shit, I’m done being a pushover.

I wish it didn’t hurt so bad.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey bipolar, Uncategorized

A New Love, Great Sex, And Fire Like “Love the Way You Lie” by Eminem

lust

I’ve never heard more truth in recent weeks, than a line from a song that goes, “That’s what happens when a Tornado meets a Volcano,” because it describes the kind of intensity and dysfunction of my new relationship. I have no business being with this man. He is a drug addict, a street thug, and everything I know in my heart I never wanted. But…..yes, there’s that BUT – the But is: the man loves me more intensely than any man I have never known in my life.

The sex is out of this world. The night we spent in a hotel a week ago, still plays in my mind of how he fucked me four times in one night without even breaking a sweat. The passion and intensity are real, and I wonder: Is it because we are both screwed up in the head the reason there is such fire between us? I am no one to judge anyone’s habits – I have spent the past decade drowning in bottles of Jack Daniels, frequent trips to psych wards, and not making a decent living at anything because I just gave up at life. I am no prize to be had by any man, and the man I loved for a decade always kept me at arm’s length, leaving the door open for this new love to swoop in sweep me off of my feet.

I love him, intensely too. My tears, when I curse at him, yell at him, he doesn’t fight back, which is a plus, he tries to reason with me is another plus. The most I have seen him angry at me is when he said to me: “I am going to put a fuckin’ gun to my head if I lose you, Lynn,” and in all honesty, I believe him. This relationship isn’t what I would call toxic; it is more explosive – our sex, our arguments, our passion, the intensity of his kisses – all of it – brings me back to wanting more and more. Maybe I am the drug addict too – maybe he is my cocaine and crack, and I just can’t get enough of the exquisite pain of this relationship.

He’s promised me that he’ll stop, but I don’t know if I believe him. If I abandon him, it WILL destroy him, so I have to push on and play Russian Roulette with him. He’s only relapsed once or twice in the past two months, so I thank my lucky stars that he isn’t a daily user like I was a daily alcoholic.

I think the fact that we are both damaged makes everything about us and our relationship ridiculously intense.

That and our Sex is on Fire. Literally.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey Uncategorized

Vulnerability in the Eyes of Judgement

alone-wallpapers6478339

I wasn’t going to talk about the fact that I have a mental illness for the purpose of this blog, but recent events (hospitalization) have changed that tune dramatically. I don’t think people realize the strength that is needed when you stay in one of those places for a long period, especially when it is against your will. There were nights where I just prayed to God to let me die and waking up in a foggy haze the next morning with a nurse ready to pump me full of medication.

It is an absolute nightmare, and more so, a humbling experience. I don’t accept the Bipolar diagnosis, but as I am approaching 40, I MUST. Some people have diabetes, my dad has heart disease, and I have something that impedes my most precious organ, my brain – trust me there were times I wished a heart attack rather than mental illness as crazy as that sounds.

I never had bipolar through my youth or my teen years, in fact, I did a lot of partying, and A LOT of drinking. The DRINKING was the beginning of the end for me because at 24 years old I went to a careless psychiatrist that gave me the pills that I added alcohol to that ended up serving me with this horrible death sentence – and for the past 15 years, I have been trying to crawl out of it. There is no end in sight, except I MUST take my medication like so many people these days have to do.  The hardest part for me is never understanding WHY. WHY is the question that I struggle with. I can’t stop my brain from breaking or the universe from cracking, so WHY did our Almighty Father hand me this ailment?? I have come to understand that He knows WHY, and I am not the one who had to understand that question yet. I follow God, whatever and wherever he takes me, and if he decided to test me in blood, sweat and tears in a locked padded room for two weeks straight, screaming bloody murder for someone to help me or even just understand, that’s the trial I had to face.

I am out now, with a chance at a new career and a new lease on life. I just know my brain needs to work with me now. No alcohol, smokes, weed, NOTHING. I need to lead a healthy life now because, as my mom said, “you fucked up the first 40, make the next 40 count,” and that’s exactly what I plan on doing. This shit is so hard, I wish to God none of you reading this has to endure this kind of emotional stress and pain – it’s so much pain, and it runs so deep tears are welling up in my eyes. It’s as if someone took a deep spoon and dug a hole straight into your heart, dipping into the most embarrassing, darkest and deepest secrets for all the world to see. I have nothing left to give of myself. I would say this made me a broken woman, but it did the exact opposite – it made me more determined.

God Bless You All for reading some of my story, I hope I run into you on my journey. Spirituality is your way of salvation in whatever beliefs you have.

I love you.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey Uncategorized

Dedicated to one of the most wonderful men of this century – He was Taken Too Soon

terri and steve

Who am I talking about? Well, you may have heard of him, his name is Steve Irwin. I actually had a crush on Steve for a long time, but then again, I’ve always loved Australian men. No one in the world had his kind of energy and his kind of passion for nature and animals.

We need to remember that we share our Earth with others. Our brain capacity is at a higher level, but the others God created to live with us have deep feelings and emotions the way we do. What Steve did, and who he was, had everything to do with this deep love and passion for all our many neighbors of this planet.

The best thing I loved about Steve, though, was his energy. I could see myself laughing for hours on end while I tasted my first Australian beer. I cried the day Steve died, more than I ever did for any celebrity that has passed away. In fact, the only other stars I have ever cried for was Aaliyah, Robin Williams, Whitney Houston and Carrie Fisher. But Steve, hit me on a deep level because just like Steve, my connection to the Earth is very strong, and when he died, I felt the Earth cry for him.

When I went to a church today to thank God for all the amazing things happening in my life right now, I saw a beautiful bird on the top of the statue of Mary in the courtyard. He looked around a bit, and when I said hello to him, he flew away, acknowledging that I was there. Steve had that same kind of relationship with these animals.

I thought of Steve today, and even though I only wanted to go on one trip next year, I am going to make it a point to go to Australia, meet Steve’s family and do all I can to support their fantastic zoo.

That stingray took Steve to a better place. We miss him dearly, but just know, he is looking after us, and his animals, from a beautiful home in heaven.

I love you, Steve, I’ll see you again soon.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey Uncategorized

To All My Friends, (And Even Those Who May Not Like Me Too Much Right Now)

0729181501_HDR

I want you to understand something. If ever, in your life, you feel that you have a “voice,” something in your mind that tells you bad things or thoughts, always remember that same “voice” can be silenced very quickly. If you are in a situation where your “voice” tells you that you’re a fuck-up, you’re horrible,  you’re fat, ugly, whatever, address this voice. Write it down, or just say it out loud.

It is no mystery that demonology and psychology are two sides of the same coin. It was known in history that people who had “demons” haunting them, in which they would need to be “exorcised,” it was because their mental health issues weren’t being addressed. Now today, we can turn around and say these things aren’t, in fact, real, but in reality, to the person who is experiencing them, they are very real.

Soldiers that go to war see the worst in the world, and the worst of humanity and the “demons” that these doctors claim aren’t real, are very real to these men and women in uniform too.

I want you to remember when people say that you can’t control your own destiny, know that you absolutely can. For purposes of my new profession, I will not describe my own experiences in detail, but coming from the darkness that I came from, I absolutely overcame my situation because I simply said, “I will no longer play the victim.” It is too easy to take a mental health diagnosis such as depression, bipolar, or anxiety and say to yourself, “well I have X,Y and Z now, so I can’t do anything, so I will just live off the government and be in the mental health system for the rest of my life.” Your mental health diagnosis has nothing to do with your ability to try, to achieve, to do things that you never thought possible in your wildest dreams. Letting the diagnosis define you makes you just want to give up and not even try.

To those who hate me, well, go on and hate me. Maybe one day we can all have lunch and have a laugh about the whole thing.

2040, might be the year for a new brown woman president.

Just saying.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life, Uncategorized

The “No-Internet Challenge,” What I Did For a Weekend Without The Internet

Batman Draw

So I did it! And what a weekend it was! I can honestly say, it was the best weekend of my life, and the best one I’ve had in a really long time. This meant no phone apps, no streaming, and an absolute zero online presence. The computers and laptops were off, and I watched a lot of TV and listened to the radio, (today is National Radio Day, by the way). I did a lot of the things we tend to neglect, like going to a class to reduce your car insurance, drawing, and coloring and reading a book you have been carrying around for a very long time.

I read a book called “The Prophet” by Kahlil Gibran, on Sunday, that I have been carrying around with me for about 20 years and I never read. An ex-boyfriend of mine gave it to me and said it would change my life, and it absolutely did.

There was one thing in particular that stood out to me of what I read; it was a passage about houses:

Your house is your larger body, what do you have in these houses? And what is it you guard with fastened doors? Have you peace, remembrances, and beauty in your houses? Or have you only comfort, the stealthy thing that enters the house as a guest, and then becomes a host, and then your master? Ay, then soon it becomes a tamer with a hook and scourge which makes puppets out of your desires. Verily the lust for comfort murders the passion of the soul, and then walks away grinning at the funeral. You shall be free when your days are without a care nor your nights without a want and grief – and when they girdle your life, you will find freedom when you rise above them naked and unbound.

To me, that encapsulates what the internet as a whole has done to us, and what we must free ourselves from. I have never been more free in my life, and when I wake up now, I feel nothing but joy in my heart. Through all the pain and sorrow of my younger days, I am approaching 40 without alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, gaming, Netflix, my cell phone and everything else most of the world are slaves to. This is a new era, a new day, and tomorrow will be an even better one.

And in regards to friendships, Mr. Gibran shared this:

Let your best, be for your friend. For what is your friend that you seek with hours to kill? Seek them always with hours to live. For it is theirs to fill your need, not your emptiness. For the dew of the little things that the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

Try it for yourself. Do all your work, write all your emails, put an away message on your phone, and plan to take a “vacation” from the internet. Maybe go hang out with friends, see a movie, or just do what I did and stay at home with your TV and with yourself. I can’t tell you how alive I feel after those three days.

Oh and one more thing: even though I am writing this in this blog, Mr. Gibran shared this with me, to remind me to always stay humble:

A good deed that calls itself tender names becomes the parent to a curse.

I shall remember that, Mr. Gibran.

Stay tuned.

 

inspiredodyssey Life, Uncategorized

What Do You Do With Your Time??

wasting time

Is it Netflix? Is it gaming? Is it wasting time online in a black hole of Youtube videos? Social media posting? Or just straight-up wasting time on God Knows What? In recent days, I have definitely felt a shortage in time, and I am yet to find out what it is that I am wasting all this time on. I have gotten in the habit of sitting up in bed with my laptop and watching something that I am not really paying attention to and getting lost online in a world of boring chatrooms, or endless forums. I wonder, should I be spending more time outside within the three-dimensional world, rather than wasting countless hours on devices? Have we, as a society, become so hooked on devices, electronics, and gadgets that we’ve forgotten about our fellow man?

There is no doubt in my mind that we have lost the ability to relate to people. If we are not behind a screen, we have no idea how to talk to someone. I don’t have this problem because I grew up in an era where everybody played outside and the only device we had in the house for entertainment was the radio and TV, which absolutely didn’t have a remote control and you had to physically get up and change the channel to one of the seven only channels that were available. A phone call from a boy came in on the only landline phone in the house and you were always excited to hear what they would say. The MOST fun though was when said boy asked you out and you went on a fun date at the arcade or pizza place.

However, those days are long over.

In recent years, I have become fascinated with the online dating culture because I love shameless entertainment, (I find Reality-TV to fake to deal with); I would rather hear real-life horror (or love) stories that capture the heart and imagination. I have spent many hours on WordPress in the past reading about all the online dating adventures of singles from all over the world. Did any of you meet your significant other online? I have to imagine the answer is “yes” to that question because more and more people are meeting their partners online than in the more traditional sense. I would love to elaborate on this but I am going to end up going on a rant on how the whole #MeToo movement has crippled male confidence exponentially to the point they are scared to walk up to a woman and ask her out, buy her a drink or ask for her phone number. People just don’t do that anymore, and it’s just sad. I have bought men drinks and talked to them when I was out and about in the past, and it was always an exhilarating experience. There is nothing like getting an acknowledging smile or handshake when you compliment a person and let them know you would like to talk to them. I try and do that now and all I get are weird looks – go figure.

But yes, time, that’s what we are discussing. I find the fact that we are now in solitary relationships with our phones, entertainment devices, games, and TV, that we are no longer communicating with the outside world. If we are interacting, we are behind a screen sending ridiculous eggplant emojis to let the other person know we think they’re sexy. How awful is that? Let’s not even get into the countless exchange of genital pics, (it has become apparent that “dick pics” aren’t the only scandalous things being shared these days).  I find it so sad that we are just wasting all this time and energy on things that don’t really give us anything back but a shot of dopamine and for every dopamine hit we get, we keep obsessing and going back for more like dopamine drug addicts.

Recently, I learned about an interesting hormone in our brain called oxytocin, which is more commonly known as the cuddle hormone. Every time we feel compassion or caring for another human being, like being affectionate or hugging someone, this oxytocin hormone is released in our blood and can actually help reduce stress in our daily lives. So for all the stress we are giving ourselves when one of our devices doesn’t work, or pulling our hair out because we didn’t receive a text, the best thing for our health would be to visit a real-life friend and spend quality time with them. This is vital to our lifespan and our growth as human beings and the more time we spent apart and locked in a trance of our electronic gadgets, the less human we are, and the more likely we could die earlier than we think.

So instead of laying in bed with your phone, or binging something on Netflix, go outside to a park or even just a Starbucks and sit there – just be around other humans at least for a little while; you never know, you make a friend or even get a date! Okay, that last part seems a little farfetched, but the whole point is you never know, and honestly, you have nothing to lose and a ton to gain.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey love, Uncategorized

When You Break Someone’s Heart, Karma Will Definitely Find You

ring

Did you ever break someone’s heart and pay for it later on in life? It may not be on purpose, or filled with malice, but Karma makes you pay anyway? I find it serendipitous, (my favorite word), that my ex-fiancé found me on Facebook and we reconnected just last night. Speaking to him offered a lot of introspection and reminiscing, which allowed contemplating my life as it is today, compared to where I have been.

We were young, Felix and I, just 18 and 19 years old – both not having finished high school. He was from the South Bronx, I was from Brooklyn, and let’s just say, we were both survivors because of the roughness of our neighborhoods. The years we shared were such happy ones, and on Valentine’s Day of 1999, he presented me with a beautiful heart-shaped engagement ring, that I still have even after 20 years, (shown above).

She has taken her damage, that ring, and spookily enough she is missing just one diamond, which I think represents the hole that Felix left in my heart when we parted ways. Oddly enough, I was the one who did the leaving, because due to pressures of having money and being a young man, Felix entered a life of crime and went to prison. I, in turn, moved on to much better things and a new relationship by the time he got released.

Which brings me to the serendipitous part. I happen to be somewhat of a superstitious person as well as being very devout. I believe, in my heart, that anything you put out into the Universe, your Karmic Aura, will impact the course of your life. However, I am a huge believer in Free Will, so whatever we do and whatever action we take impacts our destiny. This is the principle that I live by, and I will never follow the path of Tarot Cards and Psychic Readings, but what Felix told me yesterday shocked me to my core.

He told me of a Valentine’s Day sometime around 2002. He was out of prison for a while and I had been avoiding his phone calls for weeks. He decided to surprise me at my job with a bouquet of roses and waited by the side entrance of the building on that faithful day. What happened next was heartbreaking – there he stood with flowers and with a heavy heart he watched me come out of the side door with my current boyfriend at the time, extra happy, all smiles and holding hands. Felix told me that he just watched as I walked off and just dropped the flowers and cried. He said it was one of the most powerful emotional experiences of his life.

Needless to say, I cried myself to sleep last night. What Felix didn’t know was, the guy that he saw me with, destroyed the person that I was. Three years later, I tried to commit suicide over that relationship fallout and what followed was many, many years of darkness. It was a pivotal moment in my life and a heartbreak that I never recovered from.

I prayed last night, and told Felix that I was so very sorry for his heartbreak and so very sorry that I gave up on us because that’s exactly what I did. I was riding such a high back then, thinking that Felix was beneath me because he messed up; I was on some sort of ego trip because I landed a new corporate job and had a new cute boyfriend.

Through it all though, I realized that I absolutely paid for the pain I caused Felix, tenfold. Even now, after all this time, my heart still aches from the memories from those days. What I learned now though, and what I am going to bring to this blog, is all the strength and wisdom I’ve gained and the realization that those events are the reason for all my success today.

Life has shown me that perseverance and dedication are how you take hold of your destiny and that consequences are absolutely real. The Universe will always be fluid, with time, space and actions being constant.

Would I go back in time and work things out with Felix? Probably not. But I do know that I would go back and handle it better. I would at least give him the closure he needed instead of avoiding him to the point of that encounter, and his ultimate heartbreak. We had been through so much up to that point and hearing his words last night affected me a lot more than I expected.

Now though, we both have a second chance at a real friendship. He is married with kids, and I am happy in my almost 10-year relationship. I want nothing but the best for him and I know he wants the same for me.

So here I am today, on this new journey with you and I couldn’t be happier. We will laugh, cry and grow together and I am so glad to be here doing what I love.

And remember wherever you are and whatever you are struggling with, it is YOU who is in control, and YOU always have the power to change and make your life the best it can be no matter what you could have done in your past.

All you ultimately have to do is just:

“Make it so”.

~Captain Jean-Luc Picard

Stay Tuned.