More Sleep and Definitely More Self-Care

Every day I deny myself something, more sleep, more time for myself, more love for myself. I admit I walk around with this self-hatred chip on my shoulder, one I have always had. I am not accepting of myself, and I definitely don’t love myself enough. I am working on that though, as the obsessions and the addictions I carry are slowly subsiding.

Mr. California hasn’t called me in two days. Tragic, life altering, earth-shattering to me a few months ago, but today, I am handling it in stride. I am spending more time with my best friend from NYC and just trying my best to not obsess and let my addiction get a hold of me. I am the first one to admit that I have traded my alcoholic mentality to a fixation on Mr. California: that transference is very real and prominent in my life. But as my best friend says, “if he calls, he calls, if he doesn’t, he doesn’t” – probably the wisest and simplest truth I have heard today.

I joined the NextDoor app again. Last time, I met a girl on there who was so crazy, I deleted the app and vowed not to go back, however, last night I opened it up again just to see what was new. They’ve changed the app, it looks much cleaner, and I actually found a cool Dell Wireless mouse for $5 that I am going to give my dad on Sunday. She wanted to meet at the library for the transaction, which felt kinda sketchy, but she turned out to be really nice. I wanted to ask her to coffee, but I decided against it, it felt too weird. She welcomed me to the neighborhood, and off I went with my new mouse, lol. I made a coffee date with another girl I met on there for Friday morning, so we will see how that turns out. All evidence of me trying to put myself out there, make more friends and not be so obsessed with Mr. California.

I am really sitting here worried I won’t get to talk to him for a third night in a row. I really hope this doesn’t become a habit. But I can’t let fear and doubt rule my life. My life has to go on because he’s 3,000 miles away and isn’t my boyfriend anymore – a hard truth that I really have to swallow. He loved me once, oh man, did he ever. He loved me so much, my heart used to burst with his love every night. But what I need to do more of is, I need to love myself more and stop pouring so much into him – into a dead relationship I keep trying to resurrect. He has a history of unhealthy relationships, so I should have known better. Did he get tired of me? Is he over me? Is he talking to someone else? So many spiraling questions swirling around in my head.

What I need to do is refocus. I need to enjoy tonight like I did last night. My life cannot be dependent on someone else’s actions, motives, or feelings for me. I learned that lesson with my husband, and Mr. California is teaching me, pushing me, and making me love myself and dedicate more time to myself as much as I am trying so hard to fight it.

Tonight is for me. And tomorrow. And the day after. And the day after that.

Stay Tuned.