Telephone Love

It’s funny, isn’t it? In a time of camming and video messaging, the phone is still glued to my ear when I am talking to the love of my life. We used to Skype, (RIP, I hate you Microsoft), but those days are long gone. I asked if he wanted to video chat again, but it doesn’t seem to be his thing anymore, which is fine – but man am I missing how those big, brown beautiful eyes used to get even bigger when they used to stare at me – SWOON – God it’s been way too long.

Long distance is hard, for anyone, but it is especially hard for two people with such damanging, codependent behaviors. He outright admitted to me that he has never been in a healthy relationship, and I have to admit, I have never been in one either. But who has? Can you guys honestly tell me that your relationships are healthy? I hate to be pessimistic, but I can’t see one relationship that doesn’t have a thread of narcissism, uneveness, some sort of power dynamic, or just one person who is happy and one who just isn’t and the other one has no clue. I have been participating in the black hole of the internet recently, (Reddit), and I see so many posts about someone being completely blindsided that their partner has left them. I know this doesn’t go for ALL relationships, but it’s for a good amount, I think.

I am trying to navigate the best I can around Mr. California. He is moody, worrisome, achy, everything you would expect of a man approaching 50, I guess. It’s funny that I never saw these behaviors when we were actually dating last year, and now that things are so different, and our relationship is undefined, I am starting to see exactly what kind of man he is. He is infuriating to me at times, but then again, no relationship is perfect.

But it is not all gloom and doom – there is SO much love between us, it’s intoxicating. This man makes me feel so young again – we watch so many cool movies and shows like Justice League and Fraggle Rock, that I get to relive my childhood all over with him again. I feel a little like Jenna Rink in 13 going on 30, especially when she talks about sharing Razzles with Matty – me and Mr. California talk about all the cool snacks and candies, and send them to each other all the time. This time around I got him some Whatchamacallits, which really brought him back – back to when life, responsibility and worry didn’t plague his mind.

So, what am I doing this evening? I am going to be spending some time on the phone with the man I love, (if he calls). I am still blocked, (his boundary), but he does call me and we spend hours of laughs and bliss together – kind of like two teenagers on a landline in the 80s. It’s cute, it gives me tons of butterflies – and on the rare occassion we have phone sex, which is honestly, some of the best I’ve ever had. We will make it work, it will just take time. There is a lot of healing to be done after how much I hurt him last year.

Stay tuned.