Where I Have Been and Where I am Going

Upon thinking about it, the most important thing that motivates me not reliving the desolation and depression I faced years ago. I remember what I went through, and it pushes me forward every day. There was a time where I just slept, ate, scoured the internet searching for a man, engaged in despicable acts with the ones I found, and just felt horrible about myself. In between all that I mixed alcohol with my psych meds, going through an endless cycle in the mental health system.

Thinking about that life, it motivates me to stay sober, take care of myself, and push forward to the future. Yesterday was a hard day because after therapy all these feelings came out about what it would take to make me happy. I mean, I have an amazing life now, but my weight, my horrible weight, in which I blew up 50 pounds in just three short months, has been the most excruciating part of my everyday life. What is ironic, is that the same weight issue is what has held me back from living my life years ago as well, despite the fact that I was 70 pounds less than I am now.

Having horrible thyroid issues has been my Achilles heel in losing this weight. My doctor recently told me that she is not surprised at all that the scale isn’t moving at all despite all the gym visits and dieting I have been doing. It is more than discouraging, but it is not as debilitating as it used to be. What motivates me to get out of bed every morning, (and make my bed so I don’t jump back in it when tempted to just lay down and hide from the world), is that I have the life I have always prayed for, and I never want to slide back into the past. The endless loop of despair and remembering the days and nights drinking my woes away – even the mornings at 11am at Applebee’s ordering endless Long Island Iced Teas, lying to waitstaff that I had just come off a stressful night shift. And of course, I would wait for the alcohol to wear off during the day before I took my night psych meds to go to sleep – all of this led to multiple hospitalizations because of the deadly combination of drugs and drinking.

Remembering all of that, motivates to push forward and stay sober. I am on much less psych meds for my bipolar disorder, (even though I don’t even think I’m bipolar, just an alcoholic), but I know in my heart where I never want to be again. As far as the weight goes, I think I won’t let it be the entire focus of my life anymore and dictate how I live every day. I mean it was so bad at one time that I didn’t even leave the house or date because I thought I was so fat and ugly. I am so glad to not be in that headspace again, although, being much fatter than I was then affects me a lot sometimes.

My overall motivation is also directly to my current relationship – I want to be in a much better place mentally and physically for when my boyfriend finally gets here, and we start our life together. After all those years of wanting a good man who loves me, I finally got the relationship I’ve always wanted – everything else will just fall into place.

Stay tuned.