Vulnerability in the Eyes of Judgement

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I wasn’t going to talk about the fact that I have a mental illness for the purpose of this blog, but recent events (hospitalization) have changed that tune dramatically. I don’t think people realize the strength that is needed when you stay in one of those places for a long period, especially when it is against your will. There were nights where I just prayed to God to let me die and waking up in a foggy haze the next morning with a nurse ready to pump me full of medication.

It is an absolute nightmare, and more so, a humbling experience. I don’t accept the Bipolar diagnosis, but as I am approaching 40, I MUST. Some people have diabetes, my dad has heart disease, and I have something that impedes my most precious organ, my brain – trust me there were times I wished a heart attack rather than mental illness as crazy as that sounds.

I never had bipolar through my youth or my teen years, in fact, I did a lot of partying, and A LOT of drinking. The DRINKING was the beginning of the end for me because at 24 years old I went to a careless psychiatrist that gave me the pills that I added alcohol to that ended up serving me with this horrible death sentence – and for the past 15 years, I have been trying to crawl out of it. There is no end in sight, except I MUST take my medication like so many people these days have to do.  The hardest part for me is never understanding WHY. WHY is the question that I struggle with. I can’t stop my brain from breaking or the universe from cracking, so WHY did our Almighty Father hand me this ailment?? I have come to understand that He knows WHY, and I am not the one who had to understand that question yet. I follow God, whatever and wherever he takes me, and if he decided to test me in blood, sweat and tears in a locked padded room for two weeks straight, screaming bloody murder for someone to help me or even just understand, that’s the trial I had to face.

I am out now, with a chance at a new career and a new lease on life. I just know my brain needs to work with me now. No alcohol, smokes, weed, NOTHING. I need to lead a healthy life now because, as my mom said, “you fucked up the first 40, make the next 40 count,” and that’s exactly what I plan on doing. This shit is so hard, I wish to God none of you reading this has to endure this kind of emotional stress and pain – it’s so much pain, and it runs so deep tears are welling up in my eyes. It’s as if someone took a deep spoon and dug a hole straight into your heart, dipping into the most embarrassing, darkest and deepest secrets for all the world to see. I have nothing left to give of myself. I would say this made me a broken woman, but it did the exact opposite – it made me more determined.

God Bless You All for reading some of my story, I hope I run into you on my journey. Spirituality is your way of salvation in whatever beliefs you have.

I love you.

Stay tuned.

The No-Internet Challenge – Do You Think You Can Live Without The Internet?

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So can you? I mean no streaming, no phone apps, no email, no YouTube, no social media, NOTHING??? I dare you to try it! I am going on an Internet strike from Friday to Monday to see how life would be without the internet. I was talking to a friend today about all the problems in the world, and I wondered if God asked me right now if I could fix everything that is screwed up about this planet what it would it be?

TAKE AWAY THE INTERNET.

Simple. Straight to the point. Just kill the whole system, lock everything down, and the only way anyone in the world could use the internet is for work purposes ONLY. It would a tool, just like a car, or a screwdriver – when you need it to get something done you use it, then you turn it the HELL OFF. It was a radical idea, a random thought that just stuck in my head. All these terrorist groups, the Dark Web that steals all your money and identity, Bitcoin and their bullshit digital currency that has you spending all your hard-earned money on virtual air, Facebook stealing everything about you, Google tracking you and sharing everything – ALL OF IT- JUST DONE AND GONE –

I grew up in a time before the internet, so I know what life was like before it. We got around, we did what we had to do, we called each other on the phone, we hung out together, yadda yadda yadda – people are always talking about a “simpler time” but what does that mean exactly? When people say, “I wish it were like the old days,” what are they referring to? LIFE WITHOUT THE INTERNET, that’s what.

I mean, look I’ll give ya some freebies. In this “newborn no internet age,” you can have three apps. Just three.

  • Waze – (GPS and Navigation)
  • Skype (Telecommunications and Long Distance)
  • LinkedIn – To network – PROFESSIONALLY, seriously enough with the stupid memes already.

Would it really be such a horrible place to live in? My friend told me, as a species, we are not mature enough for all this technology. In every generation, there are a host of problems, but for all the things the internet has fixed, what has it taken from us? Do we smile at strangers while we are waiting in line? No, we are ass deep in our phones not even looking up when our order is called at Starbucks. Do we ask people out on a date or for their phone number if we see them and we think them attractive? No, because someone, somewhere will protest the shit out of your gesture. Do we even remember what an arcade is??? I give it to Dave and Buster’s, they are keeping the dream alive.

We are so stuck, so stuck in a digital world, that we have entirely forgotten what it’s like to be human. This is funny because people make fun of the Fast and Furious franchise, but not only was the latest installment, “Hobbes and Shaw,” entertaining as all get out, one of the underlying themes of that movie was family and heart. We have lost our soul and spirit and replaced it with an Avatar kicking ass in XBOX LIVE. We have eliminated game night and now chat on Discord servers as if that is healthy.

So I am doing it. After I post this, I am going to pose the challenge to my very few social media friends, some forums somewhere, and “go dark” till Monday. I will HAVE TO use the internet at least on Saturday to check my schoolwork, but I think I can get away with the app on my phone for that and THAT ONLY.

What am I going to do over the weekend? Pretend it was 1994 again. Plug in my stereo, tune into the local radio stations, break out my PS2 and play some Tombraider, watch some TV, (on cable, no streaming), and just hang out and read a book, or three. I may draw and color a bit, redecorate my room, and call up some friends, (on a landline), and see if they want to get together over the weekend.

So do you think you can do it?

I dare you!

Join me in a No-Internet Challenge This Weekend!!!

Stay tuned.

Are You Happy In Life??

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Do you think you have the perfect career? Are you happy in your relationship(s)? Is there something missing in your life where you find yourself constantly searching, but can never find it?

Welcome to my world.

Hi, my name is Lynn and I am a writer in my 30s, from New York. Recently, I discovered that writing is mostly a hobby, and not really a career path, so I am in school for Business Management to try and figure it all out. It’s like that lightbulb went off when I noticed how everybody has jumped on the bandwagon of “freelance writer,” and I realized the market it just way too saturated with this type of profession. I think when Carrie Bradshaw showcased her life on “Sex and the City” every woman in New York was wondering: “In what universe can you write a couple of times a week for a no-name newspaper, and afford $500 shoes?” Trust me, I’ve lived in this city my whole life, and that crap is just straight-up fiction.

And what about relationships? Well, I am happy to say that it will be almost a decade that my best friend and I are still together. Why “best friend” and not “boyfriend?” Well, he is too old to be a “boy” friend, and secondly, I have always wanted to keep my options open; I am a “lots of options” type girl. But over the years, I realized, this is the guy for me and everything else is just an extra – and extra not being sleeping with a bunch of men on the side, just having an inordinate number of male friends, (and steamy co-writer partners), that most people don’t have the luxury of having. So you see, what I have works for both of us and works well. He is about an hour away by car, and I think I am going to keep our living situations this way until we both retire, then we can get married and grow old together. My set-up is pretty sweet, and I have to say I have no regrets, even though “I have no regrets” has turned into some new-age fix-it-all for modern-day problems and is now totally a cliché thing to say. But aren’t some cliché’s still relevant today? And to me, the biggest cliché that’s running around these days is: “online dating works.” I think if you survey all the people who are online dating right now, about 80% of them will tell you it’s crap turned over twice and all over your shoe. I will be talking about online dating more in this blog later on though because I think it’s such a fascinating subject.

This brings me to you guys.

Is it just me, or is it that with all this technology, all these great ways to meet new people, and all the advancements we’re making, are driving human beings apart? Are all these digital interactions killing us? Does it all leave you with an unsatisfied feeling at the end of the day, even though things are going well?

I think as a whole, we are losing our humanity. I was talking to my friend the other day and we were discussing the term “binging.” Wasn’t binging a negative term described in eating disorders? Why did such an ugly term become commonplace? Don’t we realize its unhealthy to binge, even though we think, “well it’s just Netflix?” A series isn’t made for the purpose of binging, well at least years ago it wasn’t.  I can remember every episode of “Star Trek the Next Generation,” “Knight Rider,” and “The A-Team,” because I had to wait a whole week to watch each episode. Since everything is available to stream and I was guilty of binging “Battlestar Galactica” a few years ago, I can honestly report to you, I have no frickin’ idea what half those episodes were about. Do you see what I mean?

It’s unhealthy.

We’re unhealthy.

So, what do we do??

Since this is my first blog post, what do you think we should do to make ourselves more human, more satisfied with life?

I totally would love to hear some of your ideas.

Stay tuned.