inspiredodyssey Life

Regaining my Freedom

My life has gone through so many ups and downs this past year, but the most important thing that has happened is me regaining my independence. Between jail, rehab and sober living, I had been living in close quarters to a bunch of women for the better part of three years. It had been daunting; no privacy, constant bickering, and personality clashes that got the better of me. But as God saw fit, and despite horrible credit, an eviction and conviction on my record, I had been able to get gainful employment and secure an affordable place to live.

With almost three years of sobriety under my belt, I learned a lot about myself in my recovery. I built a strong network of women that I could count on, and I also became very active in the Raleigh community. Even though I am more than an hour away from there now, I still hold onto the values from where I ultimately came from. It’s been a long road from the floor of that jail cell, where I remember being at the lowest point in my life, but today, I am looking forward to a positive future with much more positive events to come.

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What positive events have taken place in your life over the past year?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

The Future – Once Laughable to Me, Now Bright and Unlimited

I have no doubt in my mind that I never envisioned a future. I spent nearly two decades from the computer screen of my room, void of friendships and romantic relationships. My relationships mostly consisted of online relationships because I had not gotten over my ex a decade prior. I was holding onto a torch I was refusing to let go of, tormenting my present with ghosts of my past. So, you see, a future was never an option for me because my present daily life was so miserable.

Fast forward twenty years later, I am in my 40s having wasted my youth on broken promises and things “I would get to” but never did. These days I see so many exciting things in my future, because I had pushed myself so far outside of my comfort zone the past two years, that the way I was previously living all those years ago is no longer an option.

I feel excited for the future because I see myself so far outside of the “norm” now. I can’t get into any series on TV, I don’t play video games, and I am no longer glued to a computer screen like I used to be. Where the world has gone “digital,” I have surpassed into something else.

One of the most amazing things I’ve experienced is my connection with God on my long drives. As the music plays and the horizon comes into existence, I feel a remarkable peace and calm that I had never experienced before, and I am so overjoyed to explore that more in my future. I am excited for the career I am building myself into as well as the new home I want to make for me and my husband. Never had I felt a future beyond the “box” I had created for myself all those years ago. It was always, “until I am skinny then I am going to do X, Y, and Z.” Well, I never got skinnier, I just got fatter, but my outlook has completely changed. Jail changed me, rehab changed me, and even though those were the most challenging times in my life, I had never felt more comraderies and connection with the human race than I did my whole life. Even in high school, I was never this close to other women or people in general.

So, in all, what I am most excited about the future? More personal relationships and more interactions with people. Honestly, I have always wanted to be closer to God in so many ways, and I think it’s through people I’ll achieve that.

Here’s to the next chapter!

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Who I am Now as Opposed to Who I was Then….

I recently came across an old blog from years ago and found myself looking into a backwards crystal ball – me wishing for so much in the future that has come to fruition, but not exactly what I was looking for. That’s God’s little sense of humor, isn’t it? The cornerstone of my wishes of my one and only heart’s desire was to find love, which had been my goal for close to a decade. Not only do I have that great love in my life today, but we are separated by the justice system. What I thought my life would look like, looks nothing like that mirror from the past that I was looking through into my future.

But the person, that hasn’t changed. I still feel the same insecurities, but I am more open to new experiences instead of being shut in as a recluse not leaving my home. Even though friends from the past have long moved on, those relationships don’t feel as pertinent as the once were.

This quest for love had consumed my whole life – since the days of when I was a teenager. I am having dreams of meeting my husband 20 years ago, as opposed to 3 years ago, because I feel like my life would have been much different if we met back then. I know I can’t go back and change the past, I can only work on my future, but I can’t help but feeling like my life is over with this court case.

Any future that I may have seen looks so much different – with horrible charges and an impending doom of a conviction, also with no hope of ever seeing my husband outside of an institution this year. But through the Grace of God, I am making it through. I have a job, I have a nice car, I live in a fairly nice house, I am over 2 years sober with no cravings for alcohol or drugs, my parents are still alive and extremely supportive, and I have friends today that I thought I would never have. My life has riches today that used to be completely bereft of any kind of love and companionship in past years. There is some truth to repeating a gratitude list in your head when you are feeling negative. People don’t have the worries I do, but I don’t have the worries other people do either. Maybe your life isn’t perfect, but at least you’re not facing a conviction. Maybe someone isn’t facing a conviction like me, but they don’t have their family like I do. Is that God’s way of balancing things out? I might be jealous of Jennifer Lopez in every way, but it took her till she was in her 50s to find the love of her life after four divorces. Sometimes, that’s just the way the hand is dealt. I have to keep my focus on the positive before I get stuck in another loop of desolation and self-pity that consumed my 20s and 30s.

The funniest thing is I always thought I was “fat and ugly” back then that’s why no one would love me. Well, I am about 40 pounds heavier now, and can look at myself in the mirror and take pictures and think I am beautiful today. My husband calls me gorgeous even though sometimes I can’t see it, and I find myself dressing up and taking care of myself a lot more than I ever have. Those little victories I am holding onto – maybe this conviction will hold me back, but I don’t think I should stop living life because of it.

After all, there is a lot of me I am proud of today, as opposed to how I was years ago.

Progress not perfection indeed.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt, Life

The Quintessential Necessities For a Good Life

There are some would say the basics: food, shelter, a good job and a significant other are what you need for a good life, but the most important thing is purpose. We can collect as many things as we like – that can include people, but without purpose all of it is meaningless.

I have spent a good part of my life trying figure out the important things that make up a good life and I’ve always fallen short because my purpose was always completely self-serving, never giving to anyone else. I have never seen outside my own selfishness of my existence before and now that I am in a position of giving back, a lot of that has changed.

People have their opinions of charity or service work, if you see someone asking for money the automatic thought sometimes is “they will just use substances or drink with it.” However, everyone has a story of where they’ve been and how they are just trying to survive.

A good life comes from satisfaction in your character every day, clearing out all the mess that you may have done in the day and owning up to your own shortcomings. Going to bed with a clear conscience is a powerful thing – because the burden we carry can only be lifted by our own repentance. Doing the right thing even when no one is looking is a daunting task but can easily enrich your life.

Today, I try to purge myself of that urge to steal a little, lie a little, because who would know right? I know, and eventually it weighs down on my soul. This world feels heavy with a lot of unaccountability, but I do know that there a lot of good people out there living really great lives and I just try to be one of them. This doesn’t mean I am really religious, and deep into AA because I am in recovery, but the principles I have learned through jail and rehab is that the behaviors that caused me to go out there and drink and use drugs was the same reason my life was ultimately destroyed. I have a chance now at a great career, but my charges have held me back, and it makes me realize that everything we do in life has consequences. So why not just do the right thing so the consequences are always positive?

Seems like a win-win to me.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey bipolar

Margot Kidder – Lois Lane in the Original Superman – Her Suicide due to Bipolar and Addiction Still Haunts Me Today

Usually when a celebrity dies, people can be dramatically affected. This is how I felt about the original Lois Lane, Margot Kidder. Her life was full of ups and downs and tragedies like most of Hollywood, but like another iconic character, Princess Leia, (Carrie Fisher), the alcoholism and bipolar spoke to me the most.

This is a deadly combination. I have been dealing with alcoholism since my early teens, and never knew that it was one of the biggest factors in my bipolar diagnosis. My untreated bipolar went on as raging alcoholism for years, until the psychiatrists finally caught me with a net, threw me in the hospital and pumped me full of pills.

But like these iconic characters from my youth, the pills weren’t the answer because it may have treated the bipolar, but the deadlier disease of addiction was the real malady. I am sure Margot Kidder didn’t realize the extent of her alcoholism like many don’t. In my case, I thought if I could balance the medication somehow with a controlled drinking schedule, somehow, some way everything would be okay. Little did I know, drinking and mixing medication was an even deadlier malady than the addiction itself. I found myself in the horrible cycles of mania, which eventually led me to jails and institutions for almost 20 years of my life.

Finally breaking free of these chains, however, the stories about some of my beloved muses still rock me to this day. How was I able to overcome what they couldn’t? I should maybe step on the brakes right there, because I will never “beat” addiction, I just conquer the urges one day at a time.

The most important lesson that I have learned is there is no cure for addiction or bipolar, it is a constant work in progress that the body and mind have to adapt to. There is a science behind being able to cure yourself with mindfulness and living in the present, because I am on less than half of the medication I was on years ago. Some might say, I have an immunity to them now, but they keep the mania at bay while my abstinence from alcohol does the rest.

Even though Margot Kidder died in 2018 and Carrie Fisher in 2017, these iconic women forever live in my mind as sisters in pain for the ailments of alcohol and bipolar that challenge me every day. I amaze myself on a daily basis how I am able to resist the urge for a drink, and my wild streak of wanting to numb my feelings or just party the night away has been lifted.

Sometimes it just boils down to growing up and taking responsibility for your life.

Because when you realize you are worth so much more than a substance you can be free.

And even if it was in a more tragic way, both Margot Kidder and Carrie Fisher are free too.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

After 10 Months in Jail and 14 Months in Rehab, I finally Graduated the Program

Today I am a success. I am at a pivotal time in my life where I am not quite free yet, but I am a lot closer to it than I was at the start of this thing. I still have to go to court in August to face a judge, but everything looks good so far. I just wanted to say to anyone that’s reading, that whatever you may be going through, life is how you choose to make it. I am buried in debt, living in a sober living house, minimum wage job, and I don’t know how I am going to eat tomorrow. My husband is still locked up, I miss him terribly and I cry almost every night because of loneliness.

But besides all that, when the crying stops, the miracle happens. I close my eyes, and for the first time in my life, I have a conversation with God. There was this amazing book series that came out ten years ago called, “Conversations with God,” and mainly in it, it’s just the guy having a conversation with his higher power. God is what we make Him to be, who we know Him to be, and let Him take charge. I surrendered two years ago in that jail cell, and my own personal conversations with God have been emotional, empowering and overall – healing.

These days, despite some things are upsetting, and I still cry at the tragedy of my life, I am so grateful, and I do all I can to help others around me. Maybe if things aren’t the way I like it yet, at least I’m not in jail anymore or rehab. Life is what we make it, like I said.

I just know that this was my purpose. I had to go through this so that my story and my experiences can help others. The selflessness that came with sobriety is the most surprising thing that happened through all of this. I am a woman of action today. I don’t think, I do. I move my ass. I don’t lay in bed all day watching Netflix like I used to just 5 years ago. There is a huge difference in existing versus living, and I have been existing for 40 long years.

These days I live.

And I do, not think. Like Yoda said.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Big Changes Ahead

How do you handle change? Is it nerve-racking and causes anxiety? Or are you genuinely excited? I am in the mix of both because I am moving. I have finally graduated from the rehab program I’m in and I am now in the process of transitioning out. March 4th will make a year I have been here, and I think it’s time that I go.

I am scared, nervous, and excited. I am venturing into a part of North Carolina that is rural where I am worried that my ethnic background could cause a stir. However, I feel that is all in my head because the members of my house have been very kind, welcoming, warm, and friendly.

I have been worried about the job front too. I don’t know if employers will overlook my arrest record, so I am hoping to wait till April 4th when I go to court and get my charges dropped to have those records expunged. I don’t think I will be able to find a decent job with how things are now, even though I did get lucky with that one employer in recovery who wanted to give me a chance, but ultimately didn’t.

So, here I go. 45 minutes away from where I’m at now, to the country. I am moving to a brand new house, so at least that’s a plus. Also, it is a Christian-based recovery home, so it will be the type of structure that I have been needing along my recovery and spiritual journey. Never would I have seen this as a possibility from the floor of that jail cell two years ago. I have come so far thanks to the Grace of God.

Wish me luck!

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

When Things Take a Turn for the Better

Has life changed dramatically for you? Or are you still in the same old routine dying for a change? Why does life seem to happen in extremes this way, is it all in God’s Plan? So, as some of you may know, I had been struggling this month trying to figure out what my next move will be. I am in this rehab getting ready to leave, and besides being tired all the damn time, I was having a hard time with my circumstances – the job search was going terribly and no one was willing to give me a chance because of my arrest record.

Then it happened.

The miracle.

My life has not been spiritual at all. I don’t pray, I don’t meditate, I am of the belief of science and never really had a spiritual path. I believe in something greater than myself, yes I do, but do I acknowledge that presence? Most of the time, the answer is no. Things happen in my life that change my views on science though. Certain situations make me understand how much power God really has, and what the term omnipotence really means.

My overall tiredness is caused by my lack of ability to fall asleep. I toss and turn for a while before I actually get some meaningful rest and it makes it hard to get up in the morning. I recently started listening to some spiritual guided meditations and prayers that put me under God’s blanket before I went to sleep each night, and let me tell you, the difference has been extraordinary!

Things turned around on the job front too. My interviews had been going badly because I would mention that I am homeless and I am getting over some hard times in North Carolina. Even being as vague as that has gotten the door shut on me, especially knowing my circumstances are much worse than all of that. During an interview yesterday, I was getting along really well with the interviewer and decided to open up about my recovery journey. It was a bold move, but I felt it was a risk I could take. Not only was he receptive, but he shared that he was in recovery too! We started talking about some of the local meetings, he asked about my sobriety time, and even told me a little about his recovery journey. What are the odds? Look at God! He even said, “interviews usually don’t go this way.” He also asked about my criminal background and when I was honest about my charges, he still asked for a second interview on Friday. I have never been more floored by the Power of God before than I was yesterday.

What I want to say is, (without being preachy), is just Believe. Whatever you’re going through, just know there is a turn around the corner ahead, and things do change for the better.

All it takes is a mustard seed size of faith to believe.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey work

On the Precipice of Greatness

There is a mountain to overcome. Have you ever been at the edge of something great? That you knew something was on the horizon for you? That’s where I am at today. This morning, I had an interesting moment when I woke up falling into despair. God spoke to me and said, “just get through the hour, just get through the day.”

That was all I needed.

I helped a woman plan a budget today, and it was an exhilarating experience. Being of service to someone and having their face light up because I helped them, brought me great joy. There is a purpose as to why I’m here.

The jobs I have been applying for have been dead ends. I don’t know what I will do about my record or how I will even get a job to leave this rehab, but I will keep trying. I feel like I am on the edge of a great moment like something is going to shift and I will be presented with a new opportunity.

This morning I realized someone stole the notebook I had in which I had written out my entire 4th step, (part of my 12 steps of recovery as per the Big Big of Alcoholics Anonymous). If you’re not familiar with the steps, the 4th step is a rigorous moral inventory of the people who have wronged you and what your part is in those resentments. It’s pretty deep and extremely personal, and someone out there has all that information about me now. Then I realized, maybe that person really needed a notebook, (there is a really bad shortage of supplies and books here), and maybe they needed it more than me for their classes. That’s the grown-up way of thinking about it, the mature way of letting my 4th step out into the universe and giving me a chance to do it over, perhaps catching something I missed the first time around.

Today has been a good day, more positive than it has been.

Trust in Him, and Trust in Yourself, the Truth eventually comes to Light.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Lost Passion

I used to be a Vibrant Scripturient. Writing used to be my passion. The words used to flow like diamonds in the sky trickling down on the Earth during a twilight evening. I can’t find my grip, I can’t find my place. I am lost in an abyss of duty and responsibilities. Is it wrong that when I was a bum living in my parents’ house, my muse was ever-present in my life?

I am battling my demons in this rehab. I want to get out so bad, but where am I going really? To an Oxford House? Is that any better? I mean it will be more rules and I probably won’t get my own room. I will have to research it first. I want to get my court case over with so I can expunge all the unpleasantness attached to my name. My reputation is ruined, my credit is shot, and I’ve lost my drive when it comes to my words.

I am forever a future forecaster that can’t stay in the present – everyone at this rehab sees it. I can’t accept the day as it is, even though it’s a beautiful day outside with the sun shining brightly. My mind is a rollercoaster of unhappiness and I am in such fear of telling anyone because they will insist on a “meds evaluation.” I am bipolar so I am always up and down but I don’t want to be anyone’s experiment anymore.

I just want to be free.

I want to live.

I want to be happy again.

I want to be inspired so my passion comes back.

God, please help me.

Stay Tuned.