Tag: recovery

Big Changes Ahead

On By inspiredodysseyIn Life3 Comments

How do you handle change? Is it nerve-racking and causes anxiety? Or are you genuinely excited? I am in the mix of both because I am moving. I have finally graduated from the rehab program I’m in and I am now in the process of transitioning out. March 4th will make a year I have been here, and I think it’s time that I go.

I am scared, nervous, and excited. I am venturing into a part of North Carolina that is rural where I am worried that my ethnic background could cause a stir. However, I feel that is all in my head because the members of my house have been very kind, welcoming, warm, and friendly.

I have been worried about the job front too. I don’t know if employers will overlook my arrest record, so I am hoping to wait till April 4th when I go to court and get my charges dropped to have those records expunged. I don’t think I will be able to find a decent job with how things are now, even though I did get lucky with that one employer in recovery who wanted to give me a chance, but ultimately didn’t.

So, here I go. 45 minutes away from where I’m at now, to the country. I am moving to a brand new house, so at least that’s a plus. Also, it is a Christian-based recovery home, so it will be the type of structure that I have been needing along my recovery and spiritual journey. Never would I have seen this as a possibility from the floor of that jail cell two years ago. I have come so far thanks to the Grace of God.

Wish me luck!

Stay tuned.

When Things Take a Turn for the Better

On By inspiredodysseyIn Life3 Comments

Has life changed dramatically for you? Or are you still in the same old routine dying for a change? Why does life seem to happen in extremes this way, is it all in God’s Plan? So, as some of you may know, I had been struggling this month trying to figure out what my next move will be. I am in this rehab getting ready to leave, and besides being tired all the damn time, I was having a hard time with my circumstances – the job search was going terribly and no one was willing to give me a chance because of my arrest record.

Then it happened.

The miracle.

My life has not been spiritual at all. I don’t pray, I don’t meditate, I am of the belief of science and never really had a spiritual path. I believe in something greater than myself, yes I do, but do I acknowledge that presence? Most of the time, the answer is no. Things happen in my life that change my views on science though. Certain situations make me understand how much power God really has, and what the term omnipotence really means.

My overall tiredness is caused by my lack of ability to fall asleep. I toss and turn for a while before I actually get some meaningful rest and it makes it hard to get up in the morning. I recently started listening to some spiritual guided meditations and prayers that put me under God’s blanket before I went to sleep each night, and let me tell you, the difference has been extraordinary!

Things turned around on the job front too. My interviews had been going badly because I would mention that I am homeless and I am getting over some hard times in North Carolina. Even being as vague as that has gotten the door shut on me, especially knowing my circumstances are much worse than all of that. During an interview yesterday, I was getting along really well with the interviewer and decided to open up about my recovery journey. It was a bold move, but I felt it was a risk I could take. Not only was he receptive, but he shared that he was in recovery too! We started talking about some of the local meetings, he asked about my sobriety time, and even told me a little about his recovery journey. What are the odds? Look at God! He even said, “interviews usually don’t go this way.” He also asked about my criminal background and when I was honest about my charges, he still asked for a second interview on Friday. I have never been more floored by the Power of God before than I was yesterday.

What I want to say is, (without being preachy), is just Believe. Whatever you’re going through, just know there is a turn around the corner ahead, and things do change for the better.

All it takes is a mustard seed size of faith to believe.

Stay Tuned.

On the Precipice of Greatness

On By inspiredodysseyIn workLeave a comment

There is a mountain to overcome. Have you ever been at the edge of something great? That you knew something was on the horizon for you? That’s where I am at today. This morning, I had an interesting moment when I woke up falling into despair. God spoke to me and said, “just get through the hour, just get through the day.”

That was all I needed.

I helped a woman plan a budget today, and it was an exhilarating experience. Being of service to someone and having their face light up because I helped them, brought me great joy. There is a purpose as to why I’m here.

The jobs I have been applying for have been dead ends. I don’t know what I will do about my record or how I will even get a job to leave this rehab, but I will keep trying. I feel like I am on the edge of a great moment like something is going to shift and I will be presented with a new opportunity.

This morning I realized someone stole the notebook I had in which I had written out my entire 4th step, (part of my 12 steps of recovery as per the Big Big of Alcoholics Anonymous). If you’re not familiar with the steps, the 4th step is a rigorous moral inventory of the people who have wronged you and what your part is in those resentments. It’s pretty deep and extremely personal, and someone out there has all that information about me now. Then I realized, maybe that person really needed a notebook, (there is a really bad shortage of supplies and books here), and maybe they needed it more than me for their classes. That’s the grown-up way of thinking about it, the mature way of letting my 4th step out into the universe and giving me a chance to do it over, perhaps catching something I missed the first time around.

Today has been a good day, more positive than it has been.

Trust in Him, and Trust in Yourself, the Truth eventually comes to Light.

Stay Tuned.

Lost Passion

On By inspiredodysseyIn LifeLeave a comment

I used to be a Vibrant Scripturient. Writing used to be my passion. The words used to flow like diamonds in the sky trickling down on the Earth during a twilight evening. I can’t find my grip, I can’t find my place. I am lost in an abyss of duty and responsibilities. Is it wrong that when I was a bum living in my parents’ house, my muse was ever-present in my life?

I am battling my demons in this rehab. I want to get out so bad, but where am I going really? To an Oxford House? Is that any better? I mean it will be more rules and I probably won’t get my own room. I will have to research it first. I want to get my court case over with so I can expunge all the unpleasantness attached to my name. My reputation is ruined, my credit is shot, and I’ve lost my drive when it comes to my words.

I am forever a future forecaster that can’t stay in the present – everyone at this rehab sees it. I can’t accept the day as it is, even though it’s a beautiful day outside with the sun shining brightly. My mind is a rollercoaster of unhappiness and I am in such fear of telling anyone because they will insist on a “meds evaluation.” I am bipolar so I am always up and down but I don’t want to be anyone’s experiment anymore.

I just want to be free.

I want to live.

I want to be happy again.

I want to be inspired so my passion comes back.

God, please help me.

Stay Tuned.

Lemons into Lemonade

On By inspiredodysseyIn LifeLeave a comment

I am a rampant procrastinator. I have watched this whole day go by without accomplishing the things I set out to do today. I believe there us only one cure for this: self strength.

Self strength is a new concept I’ve thought about as being better than self reliance or self will, but more like something that’s got to come from within myself to win this battle over my laziness and procrastination. The truth of the matter is all I want to do is sleep, and that funk I’m in has become a daily thing. How do I get out of it? Self strength. Basically pulling myself up by my own hair and forcing me to get up and out of bed and do what I’m supposed to do.

Self strength will be my new mantra and how I can turn these lemons in my life to lemonade.

How do you find your self strength? I would love to know.

Stay tuned.

Reading a Damn Good Book While The Rain Falls…..

On By inspiredodysseyIn daily prompt3 Comments

What do you enjoy doing most in your leisure time?

One of the things I have missed out on the past twenty years is reading, I mean really reading, like a novel. Paperback. Hard Cover. Eff this staring at a tablet or screen nonsense! I mean actually smelling the pages. Turning the pages and savoring every moment.

Out of all the things I am grateful for that happened while being jailed for 10 months, was the opportunity to read a total of 43 books. I read almost a book every few days and I loved every minute of it. Being in this rehab afforded me that luxury too. Since we weren’t allowed phones or the internet, I got to read even more books; getting to know authors like Nora Roberts and Lee Child. These opportunities brought me peace and excitement I hadn’t had in a long time – and even now that I have my phone again and television, I find myself resorting back to the paperback books that are at my disposal.

But the best? The ABSOLUTE BEST is reading during a thunderstorm. I have found so much peace listening to the rainfall and engrossing myself in a good book. It is my favorite pastime so far.

Do you like to read during a good rainstorm too?

I would love to know.

Stay tuned.

In the Heat of the Moment – “She’s a Runner, She’s a Trackstar”

On By inspiredodysseyIn LifeLeave a comment

Do you jump to conclusions easily? Do you have a knee-jerk reaction to confrontation? Are you a runner when things get tough? I epitomize the word “runner,” in so many ways that I have to laugh every time I hear the song: “She’s a runner, she’s a track star,’ lol. Things got really tough at this program last Friday, and just as usual I’m out the door. Something definitely has to be done about it.

My dad was very violent and had that knee-jerk reaction too. I grew up in a very abusive household, so I ran every chance I could and that same behavior is showing up in my life today. When I was using a ton of drugs with my husband last year, I used to constantly try to run from him by opening the car door while he was driving, and even ended up jumping out of the moving car onto the highway. Needless to say, I have a very dangerous pattern.

Out of all the character defects, (that’s what they call it in recovery), this runner syndrome seems to be the hardest to shake. When I am down, I am really down, and my depression takes me to a place where running seems like the only option. God, however, had plans for me to sit my ass down this time because no matter how much I’ve wanted to run since I’ve been here, the court system made sure I stayed put. Being mandated here has been the best blessing that could have been bestowed upon me, even though I fought it all the way and absolutely thought it was a curse.

What do you do in the heat of the moment? Do you run? Or do you face things head-on like I wish I could do?

I would love to hear your thoughts.

Stay tuned.

Love. The Battle. The Dagger. The Perseverance.

On By inspiredodysseyIn bipolar1 Comment

I was reading one of my other blogs from a few years ago, and couldn’t help but feel sorry for the person I used to be. Love finally made it into my life, and even though it is at a great cost, years ago I would have killed to just have had the opportunity to experience it. There was a post of mine called “The Dagger” in which I glorified what it would have been like to kill myself with a knife – needless to say it was a very dark time in my life.

The Dagger

Posted on February 10, 2015 by unchainedsoul

Plunging in my heart.   I am here again.  Loving so hard and so fast that I want to die. Bipolar.  Pills.  Do I go to my psychiatrist and tell him to give me something else?  Or do I fight through this?  Feel it.  All of it.  I want to be taken.  Off this Earth.  It’s the same old story.  So much pain.  What is this?  Why does it hurt so bad?  Feel it.  Feel all of it.  Let it kill me.  Let it consume me.  Feel it.  Like a dagger.  Like a dagger.

Want to be better.  Don’t want this.  I am envious of people that don’t feel.  Live life through their texting, Facebook, and laughter.  Marriage, children, and careers, and I am left behind.  Can I have all those things?  Where am I in this life?  35 years, 10 years in total darkness.  Sex, alcohol.  Drowning in pills.  Like a dagger.  Time, sneaking up on me.  Like a predator stalking me.  Why does he have teeth?  Why is he biting down upon me?  Take me from this life.  This hell.  Do I find Jesus? Will he be my salvation if I turn to him?  I am too far gone into my hell to find him.  Like a dagger.  Take me, aliens.  Take me up, change my brain.  Show me what I am capable of.  Make me an artist.  Make me something more than myself.  I feel like nothing.  Drowning.  More pills.  Bipolar.  Fuck.  Just take me and kill me.

Pretty deep huh?

Even though I have been feeling down in the dumps lately, my life is so much brighter today. I battle with my bipolar disorder and the highs and lows that come with it, but my medication is on point and my CPAP machine helps me with restful sleep. I do feel tired though, and I chalk it up to just being sick the past week. I am noticing that I am dramatizing my life a lot more than it is or it should be. Not everything is a meltdown, and not everything is a travesty.

Perseverance comes through the strength of the spirit, and I have just been spiritually sick these days. My trust in God has wavered, and I feel like I have been losing my way. I have to be vigilant in my fight against the Devil – he’s telling me that I am going to fail, he’s telling me I am ugly, and he’s telling me I will never see my husband again. My fault is I have been listening to these horrible thoughts in my head. We know we shouldn’t listen to that “voice,” but we do every time.

I am coming home to the realization that I am going to be okay. I may not have a high-powered career like I used to, and make all kinds of money like I did in New York, but maybe being a Peer Support Specialist won’t be a bad alternative. I go to this place called NC Works tomorrow to talk about what options I would have for a career since my mugshot is plastered all over the internet and no employer will ever hire me. There I go again, thinking extreme.

It’s a vicious cycle, isn’t it? How on Earth do we break it?

Faith. Perseverance. Strength. Hope.

Love for myself.

Stay Tuned

The End Goal is Near And I am Self-Sabotaging

On By inspiredodysseyIn LifeLeave a comment

Did you almost complete something? Have you always started things and never finished them? Have you always quit before seeing it through? This is me, and where I am at today. I was in jail for 10 months in 2021, and I remember the staff telling me, “well you need to go to a program for another 12-15 months.” My world imploded because I thought I could get out on probation.

Well, it’s 12 months later and I haven’t learned anything. I still feel my old self coming through with the same old negative behaviors. I put up a good front, as if I got it and I have it all together, but inside I am dying. I am screaming at the top of my lungs inside my heart and no one can hear me. I am almost at the end of this program and I feel like I am going to screw up and throw it all away.

I am suffering. I miss my husband dearly. We are separated by the system right now where he is in a hospital and I am in this rehab. On Sunday, when I visited him they wouldn’t let me kiss or hold him, and I wanted to die. This is so hard. I keep asking God why this happened to us – and then I realize we did it to ourselves. We drugged, we partied, we thought we were above the law, and now the consequences are so severe we may never recover.

I can’t go on like this. I feel completely ungrateful. I am underserving of all the good that has come out of this program as I am rebuilding my life. Why am I so unhappy? I know why. Because my whole life all I have ever wanted was to be in love. And now, it comes with a terrible price. I am so upset in my heart, I feel like I don’t want to go on even though things are moving in the direction that they should. I keep hearing that “it’s all in His Timing,” but I am tired of being miserable. What’s worse is I can’t even pray anymore because I don’t even believe.

I am trying my best, but I feel lost. I am almost through with this program and I feel like I have a high school senior’s sickness. I am ready to run out the door and go back to jail – why would I even do such a stupid thing? Because I’m bipolar and my highs and lows are so severe I can’t make heads or tails out of it.

If there is a God, please see me through this month, please.

Or at least hold my hand till the end of the day. Please.

Just please someone help me.

Stay tuned.

What It’s Like Being a Model Citizen to Jails and Institutions

On By inspiredodysseyIn LifeLeave a comment

This wasn’t supposed to happen this way. I played it straight and arrow for 40 years. Then a man came into my life with promises of adventure, love, and mayhem that was too good to pass up. Sometimes I wonder why I did what I did or why I just went along for the ride.

I’ve looked at some of my other posts from earlier years and seen what a good writer I used to be. The zeal for being creative and original isn’t as appealing as it used to be. I’ve lost my streak and my muse, much like how I lost my soul on the floor of that jail cell last year. Never had I imagined the horrors that I’ve gone through or the pain I put my family through – because it all was, in essence, for Love.

I’ve loved before in my life, but never like this. I watched myself become a drug addict and a convict overnight all because I followed someone down this path. But it was my choice too, I am not going to dodge the responsibility, it’s the least I could do for myself. I feel like a sorry individual who is just scraping by. I am in a homeless shelter now, which feels like the worst of the worst, and I can’t wait to be out of here. I have been here for almost a year, and in jail for almost a year. All these institutions are driving me crazy – I used to be an executive in New York for Christ’s sake – how did it ever get to this.

I am spinning down this crucible, and it feels like it is never-ending. The bottom is bottomless, and the sky is hard to see. My sanity is barely holding on because I think another bipolar meltdown coming on any day now. I have been sick lately too which doesn’t help, but I think it’s mostly me being sick and tired of being sick and tired.

God help me through this. I have had enough of these places, these rules, and these stipulations. I just want to be free.

I just want to be free,

Stay Tuned.