inspiredodyssey daily prompt, Life

The Quintessential Necessities For a Good Life

There are some would say the basics: food, shelter, a good job and a significant other are what you need for a good life, but the most important thing is purpose. We can collect as many things as we like – that can include people, but without purpose all of it is meaningless.

I have spent a good part of my life trying figure out the important things that make up a good life and I’ve always fallen short because my purpose was always completely self-serving, never giving to anyone else. I have never seen outside my own selfishness of my existence before and now that I am in a position of giving back, a lot of that has changed.

People have their opinions of charity or service work, if you see someone asking for money the automatic thought sometimes is “they will just use substances or drink with it.” However, everyone has a story of where they’ve been and how they are just trying to survive.

A good life comes from satisfaction in your character every day, clearing out all the mess that you may have done in the day and owning up to your own shortcomings. Going to bed with a clear conscience is a powerful thing – because the burden we carry can only be lifted by our own repentance. Doing the right thing even when no one is looking is a daunting task but can easily enrich your life.

Today, I try to purge myself of that urge to steal a little, lie a little, because who would know right? I know, and eventually it weighs down on my soul. This world feels heavy with a lot of unaccountability, but I do know that there a lot of good people out there living really great lives and I just try to be one of them. This doesn’t mean I am really religious, and deep into AA because I am in recovery, but the principles I have learned through jail and rehab is that the behaviors that caused me to go out there and drink and use drugs was the same reason my life was ultimately destroyed. I have a chance now at a great career, but my charges have held me back, and it makes me realize that everything we do in life has consequences. So why not just do the right thing so the consequences are always positive?

Seems like a win-win to me.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey bipolar

Margot Kidder – Lois Lane in the Original Superman – Her Suicide due to Bipolar and Addiction Still Haunts Me Today

Usually when a celebrity dies, people can be dramatically affected. This is how I felt about the original Lois Lane, Margot Kidder. Her life was full of ups and downs and tragedies like most of Hollywood, but like another iconic character, Princess Leia, (Carrie Fisher), the alcoholism and bipolar spoke to me the most.

This is a deadly combination. I have been dealing with alcoholism since my early teens, and never knew that it was one of the biggest factors in my bipolar diagnosis. My untreated bipolar went on as raging alcoholism for years, until the psychiatrists finally caught me with a net, threw me in the hospital and pumped me full of pills.

But like these iconic characters from my youth, the pills weren’t the answer because it may have treated the bipolar, but the deadlier disease of addiction was the real malady. I am sure Margot Kidder didn’t realize the extent of her alcoholism like many don’t. In my case, I thought if I could balance the medication somehow with a controlled drinking schedule, somehow, some way everything would be okay. Little did I know, drinking and mixing medication was an even deadlier malady than the addiction itself. I found myself in the horrible cycles of mania, which eventually led me to jails and institutions for almost 20 years of my life.

Finally breaking free of these chains, however, the stories about some of my beloved muses still rock me to this day. How was I able to overcome what they couldn’t? I should maybe step on the brakes right there, because I will never “beat” addiction, I just conquer the urges one day at a time.

The most important lesson that I have learned is there is no cure for addiction or bipolar, it is a constant work in progress that the body and mind have to adapt to. There is a science behind being able to cure yourself with mindfulness and living in the present, because I am on less than half of the medication I was on years ago. Some might say, I have an immunity to them now, but they keep the mania at bay while my abstinence from alcohol does the rest.

Even though Margot Kidder died in 2018 and Carrie Fisher in 2017, these iconic women forever live in my mind as sisters in pain for the ailments of alcohol and bipolar that challenge me every day. I amaze myself on a daily basis how I am able to resist the urge for a drink, and my wild streak of wanting to numb my feelings or just party the night away has been lifted.

Sometimes it just boils down to growing up and taking responsibility for your life.

Because when you realize you are worth so much more than a substance you can be free.

And even if it was in a more tragic way, both Margot Kidder and Carrie Fisher are free too.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

After 10 Months in Jail and 14 Months in Rehab, I finally Graduated the Program

Today I am a success. I am at a pivotal time in my life where I am not quite free yet, but I am a lot closer to it than I was at the start of this thing. I still have to go to court in August to face a judge, but everything looks good so far. I just wanted to say to anyone that’s reading, that whatever you may be going through, life is how you choose to make it. I am buried in debt, living in a sober living house, minimum wage job, and I don’t know how I am going to eat tomorrow. My husband is still locked up, I miss him terribly and I cry almost every night because of loneliness.

But besides all that, when the crying stops, the miracle happens. I close my eyes, and for the first time in my life, I have a conversation with God. There was this amazing book series that came out ten years ago called, “Conversations with God,” and mainly in it, it’s just the guy having a conversation with his higher power. God is what we make Him to be, who we know Him to be, and let Him take charge. I surrendered two years ago in that jail cell, and my own personal conversations with God have been emotional, empowering and overall – healing.

These days, despite some things are upsetting, and I still cry at the tragedy of my life, I am so grateful, and I do all I can to help others around me. Maybe if things aren’t the way I like it yet, at least I’m not in jail anymore or rehab. Life is what we make it, like I said.

I just know that this was my purpose. I had to go through this so that my story and my experiences can help others. The selflessness that came with sobriety is the most surprising thing that happened through all of this. I am a woman of action today. I don’t think, I do. I move my ass. I don’t lay in bed all day watching Netflix like I used to just 5 years ago. There is a huge difference in existing versus living, and I have been existing for 40 long years.

These days I live.

And I do, not think. Like Yoda said.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life, love

When the Future Doesn’t Look as Bad as I Thought

Have you ever felt that you’ve been working so hard, and you aren’t getting anywhere? That life in this day and age is at a standstill? Eggs are $8.00. Bread is $6.00. I mean I never thought I would see this day.

It’s been 2 years since I have been free. Freedom is something we take for granted. I used to live in an internet world, typing my life away and living behind a screen. Then I was thrusted into real life. Falling headfirst into booze and drugs, I found myself facing the things that addicts and alcoholics face: jails, institutions and death. Even though I have cheated death so many times, I have faced jails and institutions the past two years and honestly, it feels good to taste freedom again.

I have watched my life in mirrors of destitution when it came to my parents. My dad’s anger and alcoholism led to heart attacks and diabetes. My mom’s negligence of her health led to cancer. And now for the first time in my life my parents are making plans for when they pass away.

It may seem like a sad and dismal prospect. But in my eyes, I see hope. My dad told me today that he wants to take my husband under his wing and teach him his construction business. He wants my husband to have a future which begins with him leaving him behind his leaving behind his legacy. This will give my husband the purpose he needs and the father figure which he has been desperately craving all his life. Most of all, it may well keep him out of trouble and focused.

I will soon have a place to live after my court case is over. I have support I never thought I had before. Two years ago, I was on the floor of a county jail thinking that my life was over. God showed up in a way that I wasn’t able to see at first. The miracle is about to happen and I’m ready.

Scratch that, every day is a miracle.

Be grateful, that’s my new mantra.

It’s something to prepare me for a life of humilty.

Keep coming back, it works if you work it.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Big Changes Ahead

How do you handle change? Is it nerve-racking and causes anxiety? Or are you genuinely excited? I am in the mix of both because I am moving. I have finally graduated from the rehab program I’m in and I am now in the process of transitioning out. March 4th will make a year I have been here, and I think it’s time that I go.

I am scared, nervous, and excited. I am venturing into a part of North Carolina that is rural where I am worried that my ethnic background could cause a stir. However, I feel that is all in my head because the members of my house have been very kind, welcoming, warm, and friendly.

I have been worried about the job front too. I don’t know if employers will overlook my arrest record, so I am hoping to wait till April 4th when I go to court and get my charges dropped to have those records expunged. I don’t think I will be able to find a decent job with how things are now, even though I did get lucky with that one employer in recovery who wanted to give me a chance, but ultimately didn’t.

So, here I go. 45 minutes away from where I’m at now, to the country. I am moving to a brand new house, so at least that’s a plus. Also, it is a Christian-based recovery home, so it will be the type of structure that I have been needing along my recovery and spiritual journey. Never would I have seen this as a possibility from the floor of that jail cell two years ago. I have come so far thanks to the Grace of God.

Wish me luck!

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey work

On the Precipice of Greatness

There is a mountain to overcome. Have you ever been at the edge of something great? That you knew something was on the horizon for you? That’s where I am at today. This morning, I had an interesting moment when I woke up falling into despair. God spoke to me and said, “just get through the hour, just get through the day.”

That was all I needed.

I helped a woman plan a budget today, and it was an exhilarating experience. Being of service to someone and having their face light up because I helped them, brought me great joy. There is a purpose as to why I’m here.

The jobs I have been applying for have been dead ends. I don’t know what I will do about my record or how I will even get a job to leave this rehab, but I will keep trying. I feel like I am on the edge of a great moment like something is going to shift and I will be presented with a new opportunity.

This morning I realized someone stole the notebook I had in which I had written out my entire 4th step, (part of my 12 steps of recovery as per the Big Big of Alcoholics Anonymous). If you’re not familiar with the steps, the 4th step is a rigorous moral inventory of the people who have wronged you and what your part is in those resentments. It’s pretty deep and extremely personal, and someone out there has all that information about me now. Then I realized, maybe that person really needed a notebook, (there is a really bad shortage of supplies and books here), and maybe they needed it more than me for their classes. That’s the grown-up way of thinking about it, the mature way of letting my 4th step out into the universe and giving me a chance to do it over, perhaps catching something I missed the first time around.

Today has been a good day, more positive than it has been.

Trust in Him, and Trust in Yourself, the Truth eventually comes to Light.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Not Enjoying the Moment – Living in the Past/Future

I am at a precipice. I keep worrying about things I have no control over. Do you guys do this? I try meditation, I try praying, but nothing is bringing me to The Present. I am locked in a state of future forecasting. I feel like I will never break free of it and it is bringing me down. And I am SO TIRED. So damn tired. My body and mind are exhausted. I slept almost 10 hours last night and I’m still tired! I went to my neurologist who ordered my Sleep Study, and she wanted to give me pills to help with sleepiness. Wasn’t the CPAP machine I am spending $20 a month on supposed to be doing that?

I don’t know, I don’t feel good. I am trapped in this rehab with all these rules that are stifling me. We are all on Building Restriction for the next two weeks, and I really wanted to see my mom and dad for President’s Day weekend. Also, I won’t be seeing my husband, which is paining my heart greatly. The rings his mom sent me are coming in the mail that weekend too; I really hope they don’t get lost or someone steals them – this is a homeless shelter after all.

I don’t have a lot of trust and I don’t have a lot of faith. I am faltering, falling off a mountain of my own making. I had all the freedom in the world two years ago and I threw it all away. God is punishing me and it doesn’t feel like I will ever be forgiven.

I am hopeless.

I am useless.

I am shattered.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Hollow to God

I pray, and I am Hollow.

I have a God-sized hole in my heart because you aren’t present.

I miss the way you were with me in jail because I felt you then, especially when you said, “Walk with Me,” and I did.

I don’t feel you in my life today; it feels empty and pointless.

My heart is Hollow, and my life is Hollow.

I wish I could talk to you and feel something, why is all this emptiness so consuming?

Recovery isn’t for me, I don’t get what they are preaching, and I am not buying what they are selling.

I read the Big Book, and I did the classes, but I just don’t belong.

I am going to leave out of this place an alcoholic, the same way I came in.

I have nothing but Fear in my Heart and it grows larger and larger every day.

I wish I could let you in, I wish I knew where to begin.

I am lost, I am Hollow.

I wish I knew You, I wish you knew Me.

Be my friend, my hands are open but my stubbornness holds me back.

This is a prayer and a groveling request.

Please come into my life, I need you, I am Hollow.

I am selfish and self-centered and that’s why you punish me constantly.

I am Hollow.

Please Find Me.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey love

Miracles in the Abyss – What Life is Like Now

Two years ago, I sat on the floor of a jail cell, crying, because my life was over. Or so I thought. When was your life-changing moment? Did it define your future? That floor defined me. I sat there and asked God to hold me in His arms and see me through, and He did. I am in this rehab now about to face the next chapter of my life, and I am excited and scared at the same time.

Romantically, I am worried. My husband talks about smoking weed, but I know that will probably lead back to a cocaine and crack habit. I am hoping with all my heart it won’t lead down that road. I am also online chatting with a lot of different guys and learning about how much I actually love my husband. I have waited all my life to be in love – I remember reading my old blogs and seeing how far this quest for love has taken me. I used to obsess about so many things. My weight is one of them. I thought that if I just waited to lose weight and find a guy then I would be able to go back to work and get my life in order. These were unrealistic expectations and unrealistic goals. I think most of my life is based on unrealistic goals, compared to where I am at now.

Where I am now, life is a lot clearer. I know that I want a career doing something meaningful. Since I have a record now, (well at least an arrest record), I can kiss my career in Human Resources and Finance goodbye. I am looking into Peer Support or something I can do to supplement my disability income.

Life has new roads ahead for me now. I am no longer hiding in my parents’ house, searching online for Mr. Right to find me and sweep me off my feet. I have a real relationship now with a man that loves me completely, and a future that is bright and hopeful.

I hope wherever you are and things are bleak in your eyes you hear this message that it will get better. God only gives you things that you can handle. No more, no less.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey work

A Hopeful Future

So, in the midst of depression, how do you get out of bed? Why is everyone so tired these days? Are we all Post-COVID burnt out? I really want to believe there is more to life than this, but I feel like all anyone wants to do these days is just sleep their lives away. Life is hard, these obstacles aren’t going away and with At-Home work being the thing now these days, it seems everyone is just getting lazier and lazier.

I fall into this category too. The idea of going back to work scares me more than I can say. I am having a hard time adjusting to a life in which I actually have to be responsible for myself. I have lived under my parents’ roof for so long, I have forgotten what it is like to be self-sufficient. I had a job interview today and I am so scared of what will come up in the background check. That’s another mountain I have to climb, and what a mountain it is!

Through all this though, I am hopeful. I no longer have the desire for alcohol, something which I never was able to get rid of. It had hindered me for so long while I let my bipolar disability consume me. I could have had a career a long time ago, but I just wanted to lose weight first which was something so stupid, even though it didn’t look like it back then.

But now, it’s a new me, a new future, a new beginning – and it’s very hopeful.

Stay tuned.