Blogger’s Block and Overcoming Overall Fear

So, I haven’t had one thought about what to write about, but I know I want to write something. This ever happen to you? I feel like there is so much in my life that I want to talk about and contribute to the world, but I am always coming up blank.

Every now and then, I would get a notification on my phone that someone new has liked one of my posts, and I’m like damn, well maybe I should write today. I think the best way for me to overcome my blogger’s block is to be free flowing. Just let the words come.

Last night was my graduation at the rehab where i spent the last 14 months of my life. Jesus, 14 months in rehab and 10 months in jail – this was two years of a complete nightmare. And it isn’t even over yet. I have to wait to face a judge. I am not in the clear yet. However, last night the room was electrifying, and I was surrounded by my family and friends as I gave an amazing speech.

My fears are creeping in though. What if I am on probation? What if I go back to jail because the judge isn’t satisfied? And what of my husband? Stuck for an entire year already at a psych hospital awaiting the outcome of his charges, everything feels so up in the air. I envy anyone who has their family and a roof over their heads. I live in this sober living house with all this drama and politics and I wish every day for my own space to breathe.

My biggest fear is that I will fall back into addiction. That if my husband comes out it will be on that path again. I just want to be happy; I just want to be free.

I hope God is hearing my prayers.

Stay Tuned.

Lemons into Lemonade

I am a rampant procrastinator. I have watched this whole day go by without accomplishing the things I set out to do today. I believe there us only one cure for this: self strength.

Self strength is a new concept I’ve thought about as being better than self reliance or self will, but more like something that’s got to come from within myself to win this battle over my laziness and procrastination. The truth of the matter is all I want to do is sleep, and that funk I’m in has become a daily thing. How do I get out of it? Self strength. Basically pulling myself up by my own hair and forcing me to get up and out of bed and do what I’m supposed to do.

Self strength will be my new mantra and how I can turn these lemons in my life to lemonade.

How do you find your self strength? I would love to know.

Stay tuned.

In the Heat of the Moment – “She’s a Runner, She’s a Trackstar”

Do you jump to conclusions easily? Do you have a knee-jerk reaction to confrontation? Are you a runner when things get tough? I epitomize the word “runner,” in so many ways that I have to laugh every time I hear the song: “She’s a runner, she’s a track star,’ lol. Things got really tough at this program last Friday, and just as usual I’m out the door. Something definitely has to be done about it.

My dad was very violent and had that knee-jerk reaction too. I grew up in a very abusive household, so I ran every chance I could and that same behavior is showing up in my life today. When I was using a ton of drugs with my husband last year, I used to constantly try to run from him by opening the car door while he was driving, and even ended up jumping out of the moving car onto the highway. Needless to say, I have a very dangerous pattern.

Out of all the character defects, (that’s what they call it in recovery), this runner syndrome seems to be the hardest to shake. When I am down, I am really down, and my depression takes me to a place where running seems like the only option. God, however, had plans for me to sit my ass down this time because no matter how much I’ve wanted to run since I’ve been here, the court system made sure I stayed put. Being mandated here has been the best blessing that could have been bestowed upon me, even though I fought it all the way and absolutely thought it was a curse.

What do you do in the heat of the moment? Do you run? Or do you face things head-on like I wish I could do?

I would love to hear your thoughts.

Stay tuned.