inspiredodyssey daily prompt

The Future – Once Laughable to Me, Now Bright and Unlimited

I have no doubt in my mind that I never envisioned a future. I spent nearly two decades from the computer screen of my room, void of friendships and romantic relationships. My relationships mostly consisted of online relationships because I had not gotten over my ex a decade prior. I was holding onto a torch I was refusing to let go of, tormenting my present with ghosts of my past. So, you see, a future was never an option for me because my present daily life was so miserable.

Fast forward twenty years later, I am in my 40s having wasted my youth on broken promises and things “I would get to” but never did. These days I see so many exciting things in my future, because I had pushed myself so far outside of my comfort zone the past two years, that the way I was previously living all those years ago is no longer an option.

I feel excited for the future because I see myself so far outside of the “norm” now. I can’t get into any series on TV, I don’t play video games, and I am no longer glued to a computer screen like I used to be. Where the world has gone “digital,” I have surpassed into something else.

One of the most amazing things I’ve experienced is my connection with God on my long drives. As the music plays and the horizon comes into existence, I feel a remarkable peace and calm that I had never experienced before, and I am so overjoyed to explore that more in my future. I am excited for the career I am building myself into as well as the new home I want to make for me and my husband. Never had I felt a future beyond the “box” I had created for myself all those years ago. It was always, “until I am skinny then I am going to do X, Y, and Z.” Well, I never got skinnier, I just got fatter, but my outlook has completely changed. Jail changed me, rehab changed me, and even though those were the most challenging times in my life, I had never felt more comraderies and connection with the human race than I did my whole life. Even in high school, I was never this close to other women or people in general.

So, in all, what I am most excited about the future? More personal relationships and more interactions with people. Honestly, I have always wanted to be closer to God in so many ways, and I think it’s through people I’ll achieve that.

Here’s to the next chapter!

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

The Spiritual Conundrum

How important is spirituality to you in your life?

Not as important as it used to be, and I think it’s because of mind numbing medication. There used to be a sort of childlike love and wonder about how I viewed God and the universe, and now it just falls flat. In a world where there is a prescription for everything, it makes it hard for people to actually feel “spiritual.” I feel like this kind of matter-of-factly way of existing these days, devoid of any sort of pleasure or “spirit.”

Although this may sound like the rantings of a jaded person, it isn’t, I just feel empty. Being in recovery has taught me a different version of God, or now, “higher power,” but I honestly think I have been faking it the whole time and I am seconds away from a drink or drug as soon as all this court stuff lets up. Where I don’t really feel like picking up, I kind of need something to do. Other people have real problems in the world, and I am just taking God’s gifts and blessings for granted like some ungrateful child. I don’t feel the need to help anyone, I don’t want to participate in anything, I just want my husband back – being without him is the center of my sorrow.

The sorrow is a lot stronger than the spirituality is for me because it engulfs my very soul. Being spiritual used to be the center of my universe where I would feel the actual Holy Spirit move through my body giving me a great sense of purpose. But jails and institutions have shown me different – the evil that people do to ruin other’s lives is overwhelming, and I feel like my life is over no matter how hard I try and change it. I feel hopeless. There is no spirit, God tries to reach me, but his voice is so faint among all the sadness.

This is my spiritual conundrum.

Stay Tuned.

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The Day My Husband Proposed in My Safe Haven

Daily writing prompt
Describe one of your favorite moments.
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So, everyone has a special place they go to, where no one knows, and you can just be yourself. For me it was a church that was buried in the back of a busy street in downtown Valley Stream, New York. I would go there after therapy for years around 3pm every Tuesday. The church was left open, so anyone could worship in private during the day, and when I went there at 3pm, no one was there. It was just me, in this beautiful building, praying to God to help me find a way out of the life I was living.

When I met my husband, we already had fell madly in love almost instantly. I never took anyone to my special church because it was something private that I shared only with God. But on the afternoon October 24th, 2019, I took my husband there and as I prayed, he lit some candles for us, and then sat down quietly and prayed with me. All in all, it was a beautiful experience.

Little did I know, it wouldn’t end there. Upon leaving the church, and sharing a chaste kiss at the doors, he took me by the hand and said, “He approves, it’s official.” Of course, I said, “what do you mean?” He replied, “God told me that you are my meant to be, my wife.” And I cried.

And even though we have been apart for two years now, I will never forget that day as being one the most favorite moments of my life. Our love is still powerful and strong, even though I have not been able to hold in my arms at night in a very long time. Does true love really exist? I think for us it truly does. He was the man of my dreams for as long as I can remember, and that beautiful moment we shared is forever in my heart and lasts the test of time to this day.

My absolute favorite moment for sure.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Big Changes Ahead

How do you handle change? Is it nerve-racking and causes anxiety? Or are you genuinely excited? I am in the mix of both because I am moving. I have finally graduated from the rehab program I’m in and I am now in the process of transitioning out. March 4th will make a year I have been here, and I think it’s time that I go.

I am scared, nervous, and excited. I am venturing into a part of North Carolina that is rural where I am worried that my ethnic background could cause a stir. However, I feel that is all in my head because the members of my house have been very kind, welcoming, warm, and friendly.

I have been worried about the job front too. I don’t know if employers will overlook my arrest record, so I am hoping to wait till April 4th when I go to court and get my charges dropped to have those records expunged. I don’t think I will be able to find a decent job with how things are now, even though I did get lucky with that one employer in recovery who wanted to give me a chance, but ultimately didn’t.

So, here I go. 45 minutes away from where I’m at now, to the country. I am moving to a brand new house, so at least that’s a plus. Also, it is a Christian-based recovery home, so it will be the type of structure that I have been needing along my recovery and spiritual journey. Never would I have seen this as a possibility from the floor of that jail cell two years ago. I have come so far thanks to the Grace of God.

Wish me luck!

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

When Things Take a Turn for the Better

Has life changed dramatically for you? Or are you still in the same old routine dying for a change? Why does life seem to happen in extremes this way, is it all in God’s Plan? So, as some of you may know, I had been struggling this month trying to figure out what my next move will be. I am in this rehab getting ready to leave, and besides being tired all the damn time, I was having a hard time with my circumstances – the job search was going terribly and no one was willing to give me a chance because of my arrest record.

Then it happened.

The miracle.

My life has not been spiritual at all. I don’t pray, I don’t meditate, I am of the belief of science and never really had a spiritual path. I believe in something greater than myself, yes I do, but do I acknowledge that presence? Most of the time, the answer is no. Things happen in my life that change my views on science though. Certain situations make me understand how much power God really has, and what the term omnipotence really means.

My overall tiredness is caused by my lack of ability to fall asleep. I toss and turn for a while before I actually get some meaningful rest and it makes it hard to get up in the morning. I recently started listening to some spiritual guided meditations and prayers that put me under God’s blanket before I went to sleep each night, and let me tell you, the difference has been extraordinary!

Things turned around on the job front too. My interviews had been going badly because I would mention that I am homeless and I am getting over some hard times in North Carolina. Even being as vague as that has gotten the door shut on me, especially knowing my circumstances are much worse than all of that. During an interview yesterday, I was getting along really well with the interviewer and decided to open up about my recovery journey. It was a bold move, but I felt it was a risk I could take. Not only was he receptive, but he shared that he was in recovery too! We started talking about some of the local meetings, he asked about my sobriety time, and even told me a little about his recovery journey. What are the odds? Look at God! He even said, “interviews usually don’t go this way.” He also asked about my criminal background and when I was honest about my charges, he still asked for a second interview on Friday. I have never been more floored by the Power of God before than I was yesterday.

What I want to say is, (without being preachy), is just Believe. Whatever you’re going through, just know there is a turn around the corner ahead, and things do change for the better.

All it takes is a mustard seed size of faith to believe.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Not Enjoying the Moment – Living in the Past/Future

I am at a precipice. I keep worrying about things I have no control over. Do you guys do this? I try meditation, I try praying, but nothing is bringing me to The Present. I am locked in a state of future forecasting. I feel like I will never break free of it and it is bringing me down. And I am SO TIRED. So damn tired. My body and mind are exhausted. I slept almost 10 hours last night and I’m still tired! I went to my neurologist who ordered my Sleep Study, and she wanted to give me pills to help with sleepiness. Wasn’t the CPAP machine I am spending $20 a month on supposed to be doing that?

I don’t know, I don’t feel good. I am trapped in this rehab with all these rules that are stifling me. We are all on Building Restriction for the next two weeks, and I really wanted to see my mom and dad for President’s Day weekend. Also, I won’t be seeing my husband, which is paining my heart greatly. The rings his mom sent me are coming in the mail that weekend too; I really hope they don’t get lost or someone steals them – this is a homeless shelter after all.

I don’t have a lot of trust and I don’t have a lot of faith. I am faltering, falling off a mountain of my own making. I had all the freedom in the world two years ago and I threw it all away. God is punishing me and it doesn’t feel like I will ever be forgiven.

I am hopeless.

I am useless.

I am shattered.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Hollow to God

I pray, and I am Hollow.

I have a God-sized hole in my heart because you aren’t present.

I miss the way you were with me in jail because I felt you then, especially when you said, “Walk with Me,” and I did.

I don’t feel you in my life today; it feels empty and pointless.

My heart is Hollow, and my life is Hollow.

I wish I could talk to you and feel something, why is all this emptiness so consuming?

Recovery isn’t for me, I don’t get what they are preaching, and I am not buying what they are selling.

I read the Big Book, and I did the classes, but I just don’t belong.

I am going to leave out of this place an alcoholic, the same way I came in.

I have nothing but Fear in my Heart and it grows larger and larger every day.

I wish I could let you in, I wish I knew where to begin.

I am lost, I am Hollow.

I wish I knew You, I wish you knew Me.

Be my friend, my hands are open but my stubbornness holds me back.

This is a prayer and a groveling request.

Please come into my life, I need you, I am Hollow.

I am selfish and self-centered and that’s why you punish me constantly.

I am Hollow.

Please Find Me.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Lost Passion

I used to be a Vibrant Scripturient. Writing used to be my passion. The words used to flow like diamonds in the sky trickling down on the Earth during a twilight evening. I can’t find my grip, I can’t find my place. I am lost in an abyss of duty and responsibilities. Is it wrong that when I was a bum living in my parents’ house, my muse was ever-present in my life?

I am battling my demons in this rehab. I want to get out so bad, but where am I going really? To an Oxford House? Is that any better? I mean it will be more rules and I probably won’t get my own room. I will have to research it first. I want to get my court case over with so I can expunge all the unpleasantness attached to my name. My reputation is ruined, my credit is shot, and I’ve lost my drive when it comes to my words.

I am forever a future forecaster that can’t stay in the present – everyone at this rehab sees it. I can’t accept the day as it is, even though it’s a beautiful day outside with the sun shining brightly. My mind is a rollercoaster of unhappiness and I am in such fear of telling anyone because they will insist on a “meds evaluation.” I am bipolar so I am always up and down but I don’t want to be anyone’s experiment anymore.

I just want to be free.

I want to live.

I want to be happy again.

I want to be inspired so my passion comes back.

God, please help me.

Stay Tuned.

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A Hopeful Future

So, in the midst of depression, how do you get out of bed? Why is everyone so tired these days? Are we all Post-COVID burnt out? I really want to believe there is more to life than this, but I feel like all anyone wants to do these days is just sleep their lives away. Life is hard, these obstacles aren’t going away and with At-Home work being the thing now these days, it seems everyone is just getting lazier and lazier.

I fall into this category too. The idea of going back to work scares me more than I can say. I am having a hard time adjusting to a life in which I actually have to be responsible for myself. I have lived under my parents’ roof for so long, I have forgotten what it is like to be self-sufficient. I had a job interview today and I am so scared of what will come up in the background check. That’s another mountain I have to climb, and what a mountain it is!

Through all this though, I am hopeful. I no longer have the desire for alcohol, something which I never was able to get rid of. It had hindered me for so long while I let my bipolar disability consume me. I could have had a career a long time ago, but I just wanted to lose weight first which was something so stupid, even though it didn’t look like it back then.

But now, it’s a new me, a new future, a new beginning – and it’s very hopeful.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Lemons into Lemonade

I am a rampant procrastinator. I have watched this whole day go by without accomplishing the things I set out to do today. I believe there us only one cure for this: self strength.

Self strength is a new concept I’ve thought about as being better than self reliance or self will, but more like something that’s got to come from within myself to win this battle over my laziness and procrastination. The truth of the matter is all I want to do is sleep, and that funk I’m in has become a daily thing. How do I get out of it? Self strength. Basically pulling myself up by my own hair and forcing me to get up and out of bed and do what I’m supposed to do.

Self strength will be my new mantra and how I can turn these lemons in my life to lemonade.

How do you find your self strength? I would love to know.

Stay tuned.