inspiredodyssey bipolar

Remarkable Strides

Sometimes in life we don’t understand why we are called to a purpose. I am trying today to understand all the chaos in my head. Is it Jesus who speaks to me? Or is it my bipolar disorder and I am knee deep in mania? I am going to follow this rabbit hole. Alice followed the rabbit – so here I go.

Understanding mental illness is very difficult. For years, I never understood Jesus’s calling. He calls to me. He speaks to me. When I was crawling on the floor of the psych ward year after year every Easter for 15 years, He kept saying, “take on the demons Lynn, you need to show them the Devil, so they can understand God.” Emily Rose – that was her name. Read her story or watch her movie. It is important that we understand that in today’s world, we think we can remedy it all with Ozempic to lose weight really, really fast, then diagnosis people with diabetes in order for the insurance to pay for it. We give people Haldol, Seroquel, Trazadone, Risperdal, Adderall, Lexapro (the culprit that took me out for 20 years), and we think it will solve the chaos of the mind and soul. But it is a battle. A battle we have to fight every day between Good and Evil.

I was driving to get my new best friend, (who I have only met once), and take her to an AA meeting today because she really needed it. I was calling her and calling her because I am driving into a neighborhood of my town that I do not know, and this NYC girl feels really out of sorts out here in the country, lol. When I got to a stoplight, I got distracted by something, I don’t know what but became really disoriented and cut in front of someone by mistake when I made the right turn at the red light. He/She honked at me really loudly and then passed me – I immediately slammed on my gas pedal, and pushed my beloved little Corolla, which I immediately regretted, (be nice to your cars they love you), and pursued this person in rage who honked at me. Then I slowed and realized my friend wasn’t answering her phone. Who is this girl anyway? Do I really know her? Am I walking into something unsafe? The thoughts started coming – “she’s going to set you up” “you’re going to die” so I turned around at a gas station and started driving in the other direction towards the meeting. She texted and let me know she was waiting, and when I called her, she said she was in the shower and didn’t realize her phone was ringing and ringing with my frantic manic calls of utter nonsense and hysteria of “doom.” Once I heard her sweet voice though, I knew I wasn’t in danger, and immediately went to pick her up. It wasn’t easy though. Google Maps, and I swear on the life of me I AM going to do something about Google, kept redirecting me all over the place so I couldn’t get directions to her house. It froze, went into “preview” mode, did all kinds of bullshit for about 5 minutes, when I finally tricked it into taking me where I needed to go.

Was that all craziness? Or was it real?

One can question what is real and what isn’t. Reality isn’t what we think it is, at all. It really isn’t, and they lock people up in all kinds of psych wards just because they are warriors for God, and they are just trying to save us.

Crazy thoughts run amuck can change the face of the world, especially the entire nation in which we live. My amazing boyfriend helps me through all of this with his utter kindness and gentleness. My ex-husband is currently committed in a state hospital in New York. We wonder about the people in our lives and how they think about us. This girl wasn’t trying to set me up – she is the kindest, dearest, sweetest person I have ever met, and we have so much in common. I invited her to my house to hang out and talk after the meeting and we had such an amazing afternoon, and we plan on spending lots more time together. I acquired a brand-new best friend today! And imagine, if I would have let those crazy thoughts stop me, I would have stood her up, and she wouldn’t have had a ride to the AA meeting today, which we both desperately needed. I desperately need AA every day, it’s a fact. Addiction and mental illness crippled my soul, but Jesus set me free.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

When Life Shows You That You’re on the Right Track

So many times, we find so much to complain about. But thankfulness and being humble can lead to such a good life, if we just let things be. There is so much stimulation from so many devices and things even people, that we forget what it’s like to be still.

I have watched my life go up and down for the past three years like crazy. I watched myself brought to my knees at the floor of a jail cell, begging God for forgiveness and to help me through it. My mental health has been so fragile the past 20 years, I never knew when a switch would go off landing me in a manic episode and ultimately in a lot of trouble. That’s how I landed in jail in the first place. Not taking care of myself has always been my downfall, not because I didn’t want to, but I just wasn’t able to because I thought I knew everything.

That’s where humility comes in.

I am almost three years sober today, and I am still in disbelief of how much I have accomplished. My CPAP machine is a miracle, giving me the much-needed sleep I need to balance my mental health. The alcohol is completely gone from my life as well as the urges to drink out of the boredom I used to experience. My faith has never been stronger, and I am learning to let life show me the way and give up the control I was always so desperate to hold onto.

People say having gratitude lists and affirmations help you reprogram your mind – but I believe simple prayer helps that more. I am not religious, but I do have a strong faith. My faith was stronger in jail, but nowadays, even though I don’t rely on God as much as I used to, His presence is still clear and strong. My husband’s charges were dropped, and he will be coming home soon – something I am scared of because his addiction was much stronger than mine. But I believe if I let go and let God, things will turn out okay.

With a bad criminal record, eviction, and horrible credit, I never thought I would find a place to live. But I let go and took a chance and told my story to a nice landlord that’s willing to rent to me. I have a job in which I wasn’t asked to do a background check. I am beyond grateful for the blessings because of how the odds are stacked against me.

But my faith is ever strong. Life is so hard. I mean look at inflation, so many people are struggling, and I am thankful for having a good income despite being a felon. The world is in shambles, and everybody is just trying to survive. But I am doing more than surviving, I am letting life take the reins and letting go of the expectations and the assumptions that I used to have.

Just let go.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

The Future – Once Laughable to Me, Now Bright and Unlimited

I have no doubt in my mind that I never envisioned a future. I spent nearly two decades from the computer screen of my room, void of friendships and romantic relationships. My relationships mostly consisted of online relationships because I had not gotten over my ex a decade prior. I was holding onto a torch I was refusing to let go of, tormenting my present with ghosts of my past. So, you see, a future was never an option for me because my present daily life was so miserable.

Fast forward twenty years later, I am in my 40s having wasted my youth on broken promises and things “I would get to” but never did. These days I see so many exciting things in my future, because I had pushed myself so far outside of my comfort zone the past two years, that the way I was previously living all those years ago is no longer an option.

I feel excited for the future because I see myself so far outside of the “norm” now. I can’t get into any series on TV, I don’t play video games, and I am no longer glued to a computer screen like I used to be. Where the world has gone “digital,” I have surpassed into something else.

One of the most amazing things I’ve experienced is my connection with God on my long drives. As the music plays and the horizon comes into existence, I feel a remarkable peace and calm that I had never experienced before, and I am so overjoyed to explore that more in my future. I am excited for the career I am building myself into as well as the new home I want to make for me and my husband. Never had I felt a future beyond the “box” I had created for myself all those years ago. It was always, “until I am skinny then I am going to do X, Y, and Z.” Well, I never got skinnier, I just got fatter, but my outlook has completely changed. Jail changed me, rehab changed me, and even though those were the most challenging times in my life, I had never felt more comraderies and connection with the human race than I did my whole life. Even in high school, I was never this close to other women or people in general.

So, in all, what I am most excited about the future? More personal relationships and more interactions with people. Honestly, I have always wanted to be closer to God in so many ways, and I think it’s through people I’ll achieve that.

Here’s to the next chapter!

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

The Spiritual Conundrum

How important is spirituality to you in your life?

Not as important as it used to be, and I think it’s because of mind numbing medication. There used to be a sort of childlike love and wonder about how I viewed God and the universe, and now it just falls flat. In a world where there is a prescription for everything, it makes it hard for people to actually feel “spiritual.” I feel like this kind of matter-of-factly way of existing these days, devoid of any sort of pleasure or “spirit.”

Although this may sound like the rantings of a jaded person, it isn’t, I just feel empty. Being in recovery has taught me a different version of God, or now, “higher power,” but I honestly think I have been faking it the whole time and I am seconds away from a drink or drug as soon as all this court stuff lets up. Where I don’t really feel like picking up, I kind of need something to do. Other people have real problems in the world, and I am just taking God’s gifts and blessings for granted like some ungrateful child. I don’t feel the need to help anyone, I don’t want to participate in anything, I just want my husband back – being without him is the center of my sorrow.

The sorrow is a lot stronger than the spirituality is for me because it engulfs my very soul. Being spiritual used to be the center of my universe where I would feel the actual Holy Spirit move through my body giving me a great sense of purpose. But jails and institutions have shown me different – the evil that people do to ruin other’s lives is overwhelming, and I feel like my life is over no matter how hard I try and change it. I feel hopeless. There is no spirit, God tries to reach me, but his voice is so faint among all the sadness.

This is my spiritual conundrum.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey love

The Day My Husband Proposed in My Safe Haven

Daily writing prompt
Describe one of your favorite moments.
View all responses

So, everyone has a special place they go to, where no one knows, and you can just be yourself. For me it was a church that was buried in the back of a busy street in downtown Valley Stream, New York. I would go there after therapy for years around 3pm every Tuesday. The church was left open, so anyone could worship in private during the day, and when I went there at 3pm, no one was there. It was just me, in this beautiful building, praying to God to help me find a way out of the life I was living.

When I met my husband, we already had fell madly in love almost instantly. I never took anyone to my special church because it was something private that I shared only with God. But on the afternoon October 24th, 2019, I took my husband there and as I prayed, he lit some candles for us, and then sat down quietly and prayed with me. All in all, it was a beautiful experience.

Little did I know, it wouldn’t end there. Upon leaving the church, and sharing a chaste kiss at the doors, he took me by the hand and said, “He approves, it’s official.” Of course, I said, “what do you mean?” He replied, “God told me that you are my meant to be, my wife.” And I cried.

And even though we have been apart for two years now, I will never forget that day as being one the most favorite moments of my life. Our love is still powerful and strong, even though I have not been able to hold in my arms at night in a very long time. Does true love really exist? I think for us it truly does. He was the man of my dreams for as long as I can remember, and that beautiful moment we shared is forever in my heart and lasts the test of time to this day.

My absolute favorite moment for sure.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Big Changes Ahead

How do you handle change? Is it nerve-racking and causes anxiety? Or are you genuinely excited? I am in the mix of both because I am moving. I have finally graduated from the rehab program I’m in and I am now in the process of transitioning out. March 4th will make a year I have been here, and I think it’s time that I go.

I am scared, nervous, and excited. I am venturing into a part of North Carolina that is rural where I am worried that my ethnic background could cause a stir. However, I feel that is all in my head because the members of my house have been very kind, welcoming, warm, and friendly.

I have been worried about the job front too. I don’t know if employers will overlook my arrest record, so I am hoping to wait till April 4th when I go to court and get my charges dropped to have those records expunged. I don’t think I will be able to find a decent job with how things are now, even though I did get lucky with that one employer in recovery who wanted to give me a chance, but ultimately didn’t.

So, here I go. 45 minutes away from where I’m at now, to the country. I am moving to a brand new house, so at least that’s a plus. Also, it is a Christian-based recovery home, so it will be the type of structure that I have been needing along my recovery and spiritual journey. Never would I have seen this as a possibility from the floor of that jail cell two years ago. I have come so far thanks to the Grace of God.

Wish me luck!

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

When Things Take a Turn for the Better

Has life changed dramatically for you? Or are you still in the same old routine dying for a change? Why does life seem to happen in extremes this way, is it all in God’s Plan? So, as some of you may know, I had been struggling this month trying to figure out what my next move will be. I am in this rehab getting ready to leave, and besides being tired all the damn time, I was having a hard time with my circumstances – the job search was going terribly and no one was willing to give me a chance because of my arrest record.

Then it happened.

The miracle.

My life has not been spiritual at all. I don’t pray, I don’t meditate, I am of the belief of science and never really had a spiritual path. I believe in something greater than myself, yes I do, but do I acknowledge that presence? Most of the time, the answer is no. Things happen in my life that change my views on science though. Certain situations make me understand how much power God really has, and what the term omnipotence really means.

My overall tiredness is caused by my lack of ability to fall asleep. I toss and turn for a while before I actually get some meaningful rest and it makes it hard to get up in the morning. I recently started listening to some spiritual guided meditations and prayers that put me under God’s blanket before I went to sleep each night, and let me tell you, the difference has been extraordinary!

Things turned around on the job front too. My interviews had been going badly because I would mention that I am homeless and I am getting over some hard times in North Carolina. Even being as vague as that has gotten the door shut on me, especially knowing my circumstances are much worse than all of that. During an interview yesterday, I was getting along really well with the interviewer and decided to open up about my recovery journey. It was a bold move, but I felt it was a risk I could take. Not only was he receptive, but he shared that he was in recovery too! We started talking about some of the local meetings, he asked about my sobriety time, and even told me a little about his recovery journey. What are the odds? Look at God! He even said, “interviews usually don’t go this way.” He also asked about my criminal background and when I was honest about my charges, he still asked for a second interview on Friday. I have never been more floored by the Power of God before than I was yesterday.

What I want to say is, (without being preachy), is just Believe. Whatever you’re going through, just know there is a turn around the corner ahead, and things do change for the better.

All it takes is a mustard seed size of faith to believe.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Not Enjoying the Moment – Living in the Past/Future

I am at a precipice. I keep worrying about things I have no control over. Do you guys do this? I try meditation, I try praying, but nothing is bringing me to The Present. I am locked in a state of future forecasting. I feel like I will never break free of it and it is bringing me down. And I am SO TIRED. So damn tired. My body and mind are exhausted. I slept almost 10 hours last night and I’m still tired! I went to my neurologist who ordered my Sleep Study, and she wanted to give me pills to help with sleepiness. Wasn’t the CPAP machine I am spending $20 a month on supposed to be doing that?

I don’t know, I don’t feel good. I am trapped in this rehab with all these rules that are stifling me. We are all on Building Restriction for the next two weeks, and I really wanted to see my mom and dad for President’s Day weekend. Also, I won’t be seeing my husband, which is paining my heart greatly. The rings his mom sent me are coming in the mail that weekend too; I really hope they don’t get lost or someone steals them – this is a homeless shelter after all.

I don’t have a lot of trust and I don’t have a lot of faith. I am faltering, falling off a mountain of my own making. I had all the freedom in the world two years ago and I threw it all away. God is punishing me and it doesn’t feel like I will ever be forgiven.

I am hopeless.

I am useless.

I am shattered.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Hollow to God

I pray, and I am Hollow.

I have a God-sized hole in my heart because you aren’t present.

I miss the way you were with me in jail because I felt you then, especially when you said, “Walk with Me,” and I did.

I don’t feel you in my life today; it feels empty and pointless.

My heart is Hollow, and my life is Hollow.

I wish I could talk to you and feel something, why is all this emptiness so consuming?

Recovery isn’t for me, I don’t get what they are preaching, and I am not buying what they are selling.

I read the Big Book, and I did the classes, but I just don’t belong.

I am going to leave out of this place an alcoholic, the same way I came in.

I have nothing but Fear in my Heart and it grows larger and larger every day.

I wish I could let you in, I wish I knew where to begin.

I am lost, I am Hollow.

I wish I knew You, I wish you knew Me.

Be my friend, my hands are open but my stubbornness holds me back.

This is a prayer and a groveling request.

Please come into my life, I need you, I am Hollow.

I am selfish and self-centered and that’s why you punish me constantly.

I am Hollow.

Please Find Me.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Lost Passion

I used to be a Vibrant Scripturient. Writing used to be my passion. The words used to flow like diamonds in the sky trickling down on the Earth during a twilight evening. I can’t find my grip, I can’t find my place. I am lost in an abyss of duty and responsibilities. Is it wrong that when I was a bum living in my parents’ house, my muse was ever-present in my life?

I am battling my demons in this rehab. I want to get out so bad, but where am I going really? To an Oxford House? Is that any better? I mean it will be more rules and I probably won’t get my own room. I will have to research it first. I want to get my court case over with so I can expunge all the unpleasantness attached to my name. My reputation is ruined, my credit is shot, and I’ve lost my drive when it comes to my words.

I am forever a future forecaster that can’t stay in the present – everyone at this rehab sees it. I can’t accept the day as it is, even though it’s a beautiful day outside with the sun shining brightly. My mind is a rollercoaster of unhappiness and I am in such fear of telling anyone because they will insist on a “meds evaluation.” I am bipolar so I am always up and down but I don’t want to be anyone’s experiment anymore.

I just want to be free.

I want to live.

I want to be happy again.

I want to be inspired so my passion comes back.

God, please help me.

Stay Tuned.