inspiredodyssey Life

No One Told me the Apocalypse was Going to be Slow and Expensive

It feels like a mountain to climb. Being tired is an everyday thing now, and my wallet is significantly smaller. Is there hope out there? Will it change soon?

So many things have happened over the past few months. I went to court and didn’t get a verdict I wanted, (do we ever though?), and I got saddled with a criminal record in which my corporate career is pretty much dead. I got probation, which is a blessing, but also a monumental pain in the ass. It left me thinking, if it’s hard for regular Americans, what about those of us with records or mental illness? Granted my bipolar has been manageable mostly because of my sleep apnea machine in which I get a good amount of rested sleep; who knew the key to stable mental health was good sleep hygiene? Well, I am sure doctors know, but I am living proof.

But now, with a record, how can I get a sustainable income in which I can survive Bidenomics? (I said I wasn’t going to make it political, but I had to throw that in). Things like the “end of the world” have been discussed a lot lately and even talk of the “rapture.” I wonder though, spiritually, what does all of this mean? We are so advanced in so many areas, but I feel like so many people are left behind. I am also from a generation where values used to be so honored, and I feel like as a society we don’t even have any morals anymore. That’s just me ranting on some things though, but I feel like so much of us are protesting this world in silence for fear of retaliation or just being destroyed for having a different opinion than someone else.

Today I am just holding on to whatever money I have and working a simple job as just a means to an end. I haven’t even figured out my living situation yet, because the Oxford House I live in is such a hassle to maintain because no one does their fair share. And besides, I am tired of living with so many women, 10 months in jail and almost 2 years in rehab, and now this sober living house, I am DONE! I just want a place for me and my husband to live the rest of our lives in peace. But how do you get a place with a criminal record and horrible credit? It feels like roadblock after roadblock, but I have to push forward. I am trying to bring myself to the mindset, “Living in the Now” as in one of my favorite books by Eckhart Tolle.

I was never religious, but honestly, God has been there for me more times than I can count. I wasn’t brought up to pray, and like most people I only pray when I need something, which is the worst thing you can do. Faith is something that takes practice I think, and in moments where I can feel God, I make it a point to say hello and at least have a conversation. It puts me at peace.

I have to place my hands in faith now more than ever since my diabetes is so out of control. I have a A1C of 12 and my sugar averages about 300 a day. My doctor started talking about gangrene and amputations and it immediately prompted me to make a major shift. But $122 at the grocery store for one person? I am almost feel like saying fuck it. But that’s not the logical thing to do. I am only 43 and I want to fix this mess before I get older. Also, I really need to lose weight, so might as well start.

Anyway, I know I haven’t written in a while, but that’s because I am mourning the loss of all the journals I’ve had, and don’t really appreciate the digital one. But I have to say, it did feel good to come back and see you guys!

I hope you all are having a lovely Sunday.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Cannot Be Undone

Daily writing prompt
List 10 things you know to be absolutely certain.
View all responses
  1. Inflation is a real thing and is not going away.
  2. I am probably going to end up being some kind of convict, and it will be on my record for the next 7 years.
  3. I am definitely not going back to New York.
  4. CDs and DVDs will be in museums.
  5. Coupons need to make a comeback cause DAYUM.
  6. SpaceX is going to launch people to the Moon and Mars and it will end up like that Titanic Tour Disaster.
  7. I will get a job I love by the end of the year.
  8. My husband and I WILL be reunited again.
  9. My phone is going to making decisions for me, (thanks Google and ChatGPT).
  10. Death and Taxes, (oldie but goodie).
inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Battling Thoughts About the Future. Why Do We Obsess?

What are you most worried about in your future? In simple terms: EVERYTHING! Look at the state of the world in present day, I can’t imagine what the future will hold. It is interesting this daily prompt talks about the future because I have been obsessing about it all morning. Today is 4th of July, and it certainly doesn’t feel like it. I remember a time when I used to be excited about things, ie. birthdays and holidays, but these days not so much anymore. Did we lose the zest for life like we used to have?

I am battling thoughts about my upcoming court date and how it will impact my future. Will I get a conviction which will lead to years of probation? My lawyer says I won’t be going to jail for my horrible charges, but I feel like I am screwed anyway. I feel like any hope of a career is long gone, any retirement savings would be non-existent, and any hope for a normal life down the tubes. Why such a negative attitude though? And what’s with all the obsessing? I guess I have been wired this way by years of negative programming. A world that has become like jello, and where every hard truth is sugar coated with some kind of false hope.

I don’t like the world we live in so I am not hopeful about the future. If I look back at my life, I remember dreams being realized and there was no limit on how much you could accomplish. Now I feel stunted, and in my case reprimanded. I don’t believe in my future because no one will ever hire me, and I don’t want to fall into the bullshit, of “positive affirmations” and “speaking it into existence.” As a jaded person about to face a judge, it looks like a bunch of crap to me. Wow, this all sounds really negative, God help me if I can ever turn all of this around. I really don’t feel hope anymore, I don’t feel joy, and my overall sense of the future is I will end up as a ward of the state stuck in a retirement home, sleeping the days away until I die. What a fucked-up way to look at things, yet somehow it will end up coming true.

I hope my views change someday.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey bipolar

Margot Kidder – Lois Lane in the Original Superman – Her Suicide due to Bipolar and Addiction Still Haunts Me Today

Usually when a celebrity dies, people can be dramatically affected. This is how I felt about the original Lois Lane, Margot Kidder. Her life was full of ups and downs and tragedies like most of Hollywood, but like another iconic character, Princess Leia, (Carrie Fisher), the alcoholism and bipolar spoke to me the most.

This is a deadly combination. I have been dealing with alcoholism since my early teens, and never knew that it was one of the biggest factors in my bipolar diagnosis. My untreated bipolar went on as raging alcoholism for years, until the psychiatrists finally caught me with a net, threw me in the hospital and pumped me full of pills.

But like these iconic characters from my youth, the pills weren’t the answer because it may have treated the bipolar, but the deadlier disease of addiction was the real malady. I am sure Margot Kidder didn’t realize the extent of her alcoholism like many don’t. In my case, I thought if I could balance the medication somehow with a controlled drinking schedule, somehow, some way everything would be okay. Little did I know, drinking and mixing medication was an even deadlier malady than the addiction itself. I found myself in the horrible cycles of mania, which eventually led me to jails and institutions for almost 20 years of my life.

Finally breaking free of these chains, however, the stories about some of my beloved muses still rock me to this day. How was I able to overcome what they couldn’t? I should maybe step on the brakes right there, because I will never “beat” addiction, I just conquer the urges one day at a time.

The most important lesson that I have learned is there is no cure for addiction or bipolar, it is a constant work in progress that the body and mind have to adapt to. There is a science behind being able to cure yourself with mindfulness and living in the present, because I am on less than half of the medication I was on years ago. Some might say, I have an immunity to them now, but they keep the mania at bay while my abstinence from alcohol does the rest.

Even though Margot Kidder died in 2018 and Carrie Fisher in 2017, these iconic women forever live in my mind as sisters in pain for the ailments of alcohol and bipolar that challenge me every day. I amaze myself on a daily basis how I am able to resist the urge for a drink, and my wild streak of wanting to numb my feelings or just party the night away has been lifted.

Sometimes it just boils down to growing up and taking responsibility for your life.

Because when you realize you are worth so much more than a substance you can be free.

And even if it was in a more tragic way, both Margot Kidder and Carrie Fisher are free too.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Why I Still Struggle with My Outer Beauty

What does it feel like to look in the mirror in the morning and hate what you see? What does it feel like to think you’re the most disgusting person on the planet? This is me. No matter how much my husband tells me I’m beautiful I still suffer from low self-esteem that stems from within.

Where does this come from?

Why do we do this?

I think in recent years, it has become more acceptable for us to just hate yourselves. We aspire to reach these models of humans we see on tv and in videos, and not to mention all the crap that’s on social media. So, even though I have learned a lot of acceptance of myself over the years, I still struggle when I look in the mirror.

The fact is, I have never felt beautiful. Case in point, I tried to take a selfie today and was immediately disgusted with my picture that even the $179 I spent at Sephora couldn’t fix. And another case in point, lip gloss is now $40, what in the world is happening?

We live in a world where a billion-dollar rocket explodes, and everyone cheers. We live in a world calling yourself a “woman” can be offensive to someone. We live in a world where it is acceptable to beat yourself up for the sake of “appearances.”

I am frustrated with the world as well as myself.

I struggle with my outer beauty because everyone around me is more beautiful than me.

That’s the absolution that I have to accept.

Maybe one day I will feel differently,

God Willing.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Breaking Free

Has there ever been a defining moment in your life when you’ve felt relief beyond reproach? After two years of bondage, I am finally free. In two days, I will be moving out of the rehab/homeless shelter I have been living in for the past 13 months. Mind you, this is after 10 months of jail previously. It has been a harrowing two years to say the least.

I had never appreciated freedom before that. Being able to come and go as you please, spend your money how you want, even having relationships that weren’t “concerning” to others. I have been under a microscope for so long, I don’t even know what it’s going to be like to be on my own, but I welcome it.

My bipolar has been under control for the most part because I haven’t seen the inside of a hospital in a little over a year. I will be going back to speak at one the hospitals I was in, Triangle Springs in NC, tonight, to give back to those who need hope. Telling my story gives hope to so many others because after jail and rehab, I have a car, I am employable, mentally sound, and am looking forward to my own place. Well, an Oxford House with three other ladies, but at least it’s no homeless shelter with 80 other women.

I never realized that alcohol was my problem. I figured if I just took my meds I could keep my bipolar at bay, but mixing pills and drinks just made everything worse. I wonder how my life is going to be now. My husband is still in a psych ward awaiting his charges and I go to court in August to face mine. So much has happened since this nightmare unfolded and now I am finally moving on and breaking free.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

The chains are broken today.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey bipolar

What’s Meant for You, Is Meant for You

I never understood acceptance. Have you ever experienced a real acceptance? Not just acknowledging something, but truly accepting it? Things have changed in my life so much in the past five years. I went from existing, drinking, no direction or just being institutionalized, to jail then rehab. I have never experienced real friendships or healthy relationships; I’ve never accepted true purpose.

Today my bipolar is manageable. I am nearly 2 years sober from drugs and alcohol, I don’t even smoke cigarettes. I have a new freedom that this bipolar rollercoaster has brought me to. I am finally on cruise control. And all it took was sobriety and the most important thing for the insomniac manic bipolar person: SLEEP. Sleep is so important to people struggling with mental health issues. I have bad sleep apnea on top of it. The miracle that has happened since getting my CPAP and being sober is unbelievable.

Looking back on other blogs, and some of the other craziness I used to write about is so eye opening. This life is so bright now. What’s meant for me is meant for me, no turning back. I want to say that if you’re struggling with whatever it is in life, that there is hope. The darkest days of my life on the floor of that jail cell is just a thing of the past today. Purpose comes with surrender, and strength comes with perseverance. The lessons I have learned have prepared me for what is to come, and it looks so bright and hopeful today.

Peace comes when you let it in and accept where you are.

I love you today, as I love me, just in case no one else told you.

Be bold. Be brave.

Even just for today.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Bipolar Disorder and Mental Health

Daily writing prompt
What’s something most people don’t understand?
View all responses

So for the most part, it’s the “if I don’t have it, I don’t get it” mentality. Being bipolar for almost 20 years now, it has opened my eyes to a lot of things and a lot of stigmas there are out there about mental illness. I don’t want to claim ignorance, but I do want to say that for the most part we are “ignored.” For a long time in my life, my outbursts of anger, my alcoholism and my overall behavior was masked with, “it’ll be okay,” or “it’s just a phase,” and this advice was given to me by people who didn’t really understand what they were dealing with – not that I am criticizing, but you know people are only as knowledgeable as the information they are given.

There have been a lot of breakthroughs in the mental health field during the past 20 years, and one of them being awareness on the subject. People are a lot more knowledgeable as well as understanding. But the stigma still exists because there is a difference between just understanding and knowing what someone is actually going through. I love the phrase, “walk a mile in someone’s shoes before judging,” because unless you are going through a debilitating depression or a crippling manic episode you will never know or understand what that feels like.

I am glad though that my life has taken a turn where the idea of me being bipolar no longer equates me with being a leper. I can say that jobs are lined up even though I check off that “disability” box on a job application. So, even though most people still don’t understand mental health or bipolar disorder, I have learned that living with it and talking about it can enlighten someone’s thoughts on the subject.

inspiredodyssey work

On the Precipice of Greatness

There is a mountain to overcome. Have you ever been at the edge of something great? That you knew something was on the horizon for you? That’s where I am at today. This morning, I had an interesting moment when I woke up falling into despair. God spoke to me and said, “just get through the hour, just get through the day.”

That was all I needed.

I helped a woman plan a budget today, and it was an exhilarating experience. Being of service to someone and having their face light up because I helped them, brought me great joy. There is a purpose as to why I’m here.

The jobs I have been applying for have been dead ends. I don’t know what I will do about my record or how I will even get a job to leave this rehab, but I will keep trying. I feel like I am on the edge of a great moment like something is going to shift and I will be presented with a new opportunity.

This morning I realized someone stole the notebook I had in which I had written out my entire 4th step, (part of my 12 steps of recovery as per the Big Big of Alcoholics Anonymous). If you’re not familiar with the steps, the 4th step is a rigorous moral inventory of the people who have wronged you and what your part is in those resentments. It’s pretty deep and extremely personal, and someone out there has all that information about me now. Then I realized, maybe that person really needed a notebook, (there is a really bad shortage of supplies and books here), and maybe they needed it more than me for their classes. That’s the grown-up way of thinking about it, the mature way of letting my 4th step out into the universe and giving me a chance to do it over, perhaps catching something I missed the first time around.

Today has been a good day, more positive than it has been.

Trust in Him, and Trust in Yourself, the Truth eventually comes to Light.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Not Enjoying the Moment – Living in the Past/Future

I am at a precipice. I keep worrying about things I have no control over. Do you guys do this? I try meditation, I try praying, but nothing is bringing me to The Present. I am locked in a state of future forecasting. I feel like I will never break free of it and it is bringing me down. And I am SO TIRED. So damn tired. My body and mind are exhausted. I slept almost 10 hours last night and I’m still tired! I went to my neurologist who ordered my Sleep Study, and she wanted to give me pills to help with sleepiness. Wasn’t the CPAP machine I am spending $20 a month on supposed to be doing that?

I don’t know, I don’t feel good. I am trapped in this rehab with all these rules that are stifling me. We are all on Building Restriction for the next two weeks, and I really wanted to see my mom and dad for President’s Day weekend. Also, I won’t be seeing my husband, which is paining my heart greatly. The rings his mom sent me are coming in the mail that weekend too; I really hope they don’t get lost or someone steals them – this is a homeless shelter after all.

I don’t have a lot of trust and I don’t have a lot of faith. I am faltering, falling off a mountain of my own making. I had all the freedom in the world two years ago and I threw it all away. God is punishing me and it doesn’t feel like I will ever be forgiven.

I am hopeless.

I am useless.

I am shattered.

Stay Tuned.