When we think positive emotions we feel the most often – it’s usually happy, excited, even ecstatic – but what about gratitude? I have come to find out that gratitude is the one I feel the most because it is directly related to all my positive vibes and happiness.
I honestly feel the “idea” of gratitude is often beaten to death in the mainstream society we live in; people say make gratitude lists and practice gratitude, but do they even know why they are doing it, or what it’s even for? To me, being grateful has saved me time and time again, especially from falling into a deep abyss into depression over my weight and failed marriage. There is a lot that I hate about my life, but who doesn’t these days? Money is tighter than ever, my boyfriend lives far away, and there is so much I want to do that I am unable to accomplish. BUT – when I do that, I miss out on all the amazing things and people I have in my life, that’s where the gratitude comes in.
So, I practice it often, and mainly every day. The most amazing thing is, the more I practice it, the more positive things happen and come into my life. Yesterday was pretty tough, because I have a lot of issues with “punishment” when it comes to God and faith so when I was on my way to work, my tires went flat and had to go get them fixed. I felt, of course, that I was being punished for some of the seedy things that I have been doing that haven’t been the most holy. My path to faith has been a good one so far though, directly in line with my boyfriend’s faith – another reason why I am so grateful every day. But that feeling of “punishment” and not being good enough comes back time and time again because of my past religious background, and how I view God, but that growth will come in time.
So, in the meantime, I am continuing to create a positive space by expressing unwavering gratitude.
It’s become a habitual thing, and you have NO IDEA what a difference it has made in my life. A morning routine is very important, and I didn’t realize how much being institutionalized for almost three years has changed me into having one. But you know, people say that it is the small things in life that make a big difference, and I think the simple of act of forcing myself to make my bed every morning has made a significant impact on my life.
Routines in recovery are important. Being almost four years sober, through the Grace of God, I have noticed that having a morning and evening routine has greatly impacted my overall well-being, as well as my mental health. Not only do I consider myself a recovered alcoholic, but I also consider myself a recovered bipolar too – much like Susana Kaysen was diagnosed at the end of “Girl Interrupted” – she was released from an institution as a recovered “Borderline.” A lot of this “recovered” status of mine has to do with regular routines, and systematic structure. My days and weeks are basically all planned out – I have set schedules for everything I do, which includes, work, volunteering, mom and dad visits, church, sponsorship, and my AA homegroup – throw in some randomness like last-minute shopping and adventures with friends, my life is pretty much set in structure. It’s really important to keep things like that going because it keeps you accountable, and it also doesn’t really allow the days of boredom and nothingness to set in where you can easily slip into a state of depression and isolation. Living alone is hard, and a lot of us can actually fall in on ourselves if we allow it.
I have determined that this simple act of making my bed every morning is the MOST important thing that brings me the most joy. In fact, if I forget or don’t have time to make it, it actually ends up bothering me for an entire day. I almost feel silly sometimes because I have a ton of pillows as a person living alone, (much like Ben Stiller in “Along Came Polly”), and I find myself taking a bunch of pillows on and off my bed every morning and every night when I am ready to sleep. But that’s not what matters the most – I think it is all psychological. Being able to walk back and forth from my bedroom and seeing a freshly made bed gives me an immense sense of joy because it represents a vision of order in my life which had previously been such chaos. Also, like I mentioned, being in jails, homeless shelters, rehab and sober living residences for a few years where we were all pretty much FORCED into having a neat bed for daily inspection, it became a mostly unconscious habit as well.
So yeah, I recommend testing yourself to this challenge of making your bed every morning if your life is in complete chaos and you’re trying to get yourself in somewhat some sense of order and routine. I think it’s the first step to some real-life stability. You will really notice the difference! I sure have.
Touch, smells, sounds just the presence of someone seems to be missing from modern society. The humanness of social interactions is so lost because there is so much we do from behind our screens.
I lived a long time behind a screen – probably close to 15 years to be exact. It was an endless circle of emptiness in relationships and most of all, friendships. As a society, I believe we have moved toward that lifestyle or that way of being, and it is so sad. I understand we live in a post-COVID world, but that doesn’t mean we have to abandon the sense of community which makes living so worth while.
I admit, I have an issue with my relationship now. It is long distance, so it is over the phone, video call, and mostly online communication. After escaping that online hell I had created for myself and left New York by going on a crazy adventure with my now ex-husband, I made up my mind that I would live in the “real” world and wouldn’t be stuck in the online world that modern society has deemed normal. I cultivate real relationships and friendships these days; I go out into the world and interact with my fellow humans on a daily basis, or as much as I can. I go to events alone if I have to, I start meetups on my NextDoor neighborhood app, and I am very active in my recovery community. Maybe being sober all this time and being what I call a “recovered bipolar” has helped me escape the cycle of depression that runs so rampant in the world today.
I will be honest; I miss the joy in life. There is so much joylessness in this society that my only wish is that actual joy would come back. Here is a perfect example:
What is the different between these two McDonald’s? Can you see it? Where is the color of life anymore? I went into a store the other day and couldn’t even find the 64 Crayola crayons either. Remember where there were 64 colors to create masterpieces with? Modern society has become so dull and bereft of life; I honestly believe it’s due to the lack of human connection.
So, what would I change? I would do a complete overhaul and bring life and color back into the world again – bring the HUMAN element back before we all end up actually looking like and being what AI represents.
To me the legacy I want to leave is one about hope and ultimate triumph. There were so many rock bottoms in my life, I mean, there was rock bottom, ten feet of crap, pond scum, then me. That’s where I was and where I have been, especially when I was laying on the floor of a jail cell in late 2021.
I just want to say, stay positive. So cliche to say that, but it’s so true. We speak so much of our lives into existence. Yoda says, there is do or do not, there is no try – and I can’t tell you how true that is. If you say, “I am going to try to go out today, I am going to try and get a better job, or I am going to try to be a better partner,” 9 times out of 10 it will not come to pass. You are either going to DO it, or you Don’t.
So much of being in rock bottom, is a lot of our own making. Sure, there are outside circumstances that can put us there, but we don’t have to lay there and wallow in it. It’s like my therapist told me, “We aren’t going to talk about your past at all, we will focus on the present and how that relates how to build a better future.” Thank God I searched out a therapist that is an actual psychologist with a PhD and not one who just took an online course and is suddenly a “therapist.” Trust me people, it does make a difference. We spend so much of our lives rehashing the past over and over, that we just end up living in it and never moving forward. These kinds of ways of thinking are how I have broken out of the biggest rock bottoms of my life.
My legacy is my story, in the way it shows how I have overcome so much in such a short period of time. Rock bottom doesn’t have to break you, it can propel you, to heights and a life greater than one you can ever imagine.
Anything to get me thinking about my favorite time of year is a nice welcome. Some people have a love/hate relationship with this holiday, but for me it’s always been my favorite. I have my fondest memories of my childhood at Christmas, like the time my parents’ car broke down in the snow and a nice man stopped and helped us, then hearing a bell ring and thinking “an angel got his wings” like in my favorite Christmas movie: “It’s a Wonderful Life” or when me and my husband spent our first Christmas together in a brand new state, with no money in our pocket, but holding each other on Christmas morning was more than enough.
Speaking of “It’s a Wonderful Life,” that became a Christmas tradition as well. I would watch it every year from 5 years old and onward, up till today. The lights, the cheer, the gift giving, all of it makes me feel bubbly inside. I think there is so much darkness in the world, but for one day a year it seems people come together with their families and friends and enjoy the cheer and hope the day brings. Children love it especially too.
Last year had a melancholic tone. My husband was in a psych hospital three hours away and I wasn’t taking his calls. I had gotten an IVC, (Involuntary Commitment Order) against him because he scared me really bad one night due to the fact that he stopped taking his meds. I remember the message he left me Christmas morning, wishing me a Happy Christmas, and that he loved me. That same day, I went to mass by myself, and stood in the pew and cried my eyes out the entire service. Thankfully, there were some kind people who offered their hugs in my time of sorrow. You would think that would ruin my views on Christmas, but it really didn’t. I remember coming home, having a quiet dinner and thanking God for my peace, and peace of mind. My husband was so deeply troubled he had brought me nothing but misery for a long time. It was my day of peace, and God had shown me the meaning of Grace – which was the greatest Christmas present than I could have ever hoped for.
So, this year, yes, I will be celebrating Christmas. My husband and I are no longer together, and I have cut off all contact with him, so he has no way to reach me ever again. Harsh as it was, it needed to get done. But this year, it will be filled with joy, fond memories, friends, family and of course, “It’s A wonderful Life” because after all, my life is truly wonderful just the way it is now.
Stay Tuned.
Daily writing prompt
What is your favorite holiday? Why is it your favorite?
This room took a lot of work and soul searching. I had let this back room sit for months with all of my husband’s stuff all over, looking at it every day and getting more and more depressed. Moving on has been really hard; I listened to “Green Eyes” by ColdPlay today and started bawling my eyes out because it’s a song he used to sing to me in jail to keep him going. I feel guilty that I used to keep him going. His mom tells me I am the only friend he has in the world, and it’s so hard for me to hear that because I had to walk away.
This process has been both painful and freeing. I have never felt so confident, and proud, and at the same time so sad. I loved this man with all my heart. I know he is so bad for me. He has been in the streets so much since he has been back in New York, (I sent him on a bus back there from my house months ago), and all he has done is gone down a path of self-destruction. He has no purpose, no direction, and all he can see are those drugs – those are his obsession, and as much as he wants to say he loves me – he loves them more.
But my second bedroom is finished, and I am moving on with my life. Now I have a place for my friends to stay over when they need to. I feel accomplished and like I’m moving in the right direction.
So, after a long period of time of not knowing what I wanted to do with my life, I am in a position to really make a difference in the next 10 years. All my experiences, all my success, everything I have been able to accomplish will finally come to light in the next decade. I have decided to finally work on my book this summer which is the prelude to the future career that I want to make for myself.
I have been doing a lot for the past 4 months, but I don’t have a real direction. I have been so obsessed with everything going on with my ex, that I haven’t concentrated at all on my myself. The last I heard he had shown back up at his mom’s house after a long drug binge that lasted four days and she sent him straight to the local psych ward to be evaluated. This is the third time this month this has happened, and after all this back and forth I can finally say I am finally able to break free. He hasn’t reached out to me, and I really hope he doesn’t because I have invested so much into him, I have neglected myself – hopefully, all of that is done now.
Anyway, I think it’s a scary venture, to really look at yourself and decide what you are going to do with the rest of your life. Living in darkness for so long in a bipolar haze has definitely clouded any hopes and dreams I could have possibly had for the future. I had also spent so long yearning so bad for any kind of relationship, that out of desperation I settled for the first man that gave me any kind of attention and breaking free has been an enormous feat. But also, being sober almost three years, (next week Saturday), and getting a good night’s sleep every night has impacted my mental health in a very positive way. It’s a story that needs to be told – a person that lost everything, her hopes, her dreams, her career, and most importantly her sanity at the tender age of 24 – to going through the mental health system for close to 20 years with a hospitalization every year during that time, to going to jail, being homeless, and finally bouncing back and having an amazing life through all of that.
I am literally like the Phoenix that arose out of such miserable ashes. My apartment, my job, my car, my family, my friends – all of the luxuries that I enjoy today, came to me by a lot of hard work, dedication and the Grace from God. I couldn’t have done this on my own – but to come through to a positive place after so many years of desolation is a beacon of hope to so many others that are still suffering. Like I mentioned, I feel my story needs to be told, and I want to accomplish that in the next 10 years.
I hope to also be able to open up a non-profit organization to help others who suffer from addiction and mental health issues. It is just a dream right now, but I honestly believe it can be a reality. I also want to let the many women out there know that there is hope, that they are beautiful, that they are worth it, and they don’t need to stay in a relationship that brings them pain. Matter of fact, that goes for both men and women because I know men suffer in those kinds of situations too. I hope to help as many people as I can in the upcoming years.
Cheers to the future! (with a non-alcoholic drink)
What a life! Never would I have imagined I would have gotten here. I have faced madness, jails, institutions and death so many times over. Yeah, sure, you’ve lived almost 20 years in darkness, but that was just the beginning of what was yet to come.
You have faced such tragedy, but thank you for becoming kinder to yourself in your later years.
Thanks to the memories you learned to create, realizing that sobriety was the ultimate key to peace of mind.
Thank you for always remembering the people who made a difference in your life – all the letters you wrote to them, and all your messages and phone calls made such a difference.
Thank you for letting yourself love Giovanni so much. He didn’t want to help himself in the end, but you were able to love with him with your whole heart and he helped you experience love that was so deep that it lasted a lifetime.
And most of all thank you God for allowing me to live this long. To see everything as it became real, to see the world change from the 1980’s till now. To experience life in the fast lane, the slow lane, the crazy lane, the lanes without lines have been priceless, thank you just thank you.
You lived a good life Lynn, there will never be another like you.
This seems like a beaten to death lesson, because everywhere you look, someone is saying the “attitude of gratitude” is the key to a happy life. But is it really? I have to say, YES. I have spent a very long time beating myself up, feeling the worst of the worst for my sinful nature, enveloped in my own sense of self. This self-serving way of living kept me locked in a box for 15 years – feeling so fat and ugly I couldn’t even function in society – well, jokes on me because I am 50 pounds heavier than I was then living the best life I could possibly live now! Who knew?
It all comes from the art of gratitude. It is, in essence an art. Today was a crazy day. It poured like crazy in my city and I was running around trying to get everything done. I had one of the most productive days of my life, but not once did I say a simple “thank you.” That’s my biggest mistake right there, and I am working hard at rectifying it. So, every day, I am skillfully homing in on my craft and recognizing how I can master this art.
I sent my husband away months ago and have been living the best life I can live on my own. The sense of independence is intoxicating, so much so that I don’t need any kind of substance to replicate the high of being on my own every day. My comfy bed, which used to be my nemesis because it used to beckon me at all hours of the day where I wasted away my life, is no longer an enemy, but a friend to be made pretty every morning so I can be welcomed at night. I make sure I make my bed in the morning now, so there is no chance I will find myself crawling back in it during the day. It’s little practices like that I have adapted which make me grateful for everything I have today.
I turn 44 this year. I was at a point in where I believed I needed to be married with a family so badly, that living on my own would be such a sad and lonely existence, but I think it was the unknown that I feared. This unknown territory is scary, (the lights went out for a few moments earlier this evening, and I panicked at being alone here in the dark), but again I am grateful the lights came back on and can practice at least ten more things I am thankful for before bed.
Gratitude is a state of being. Vibrations dictate that if you exude gratitude, positive things will come to you – that’s the most basic principle of the Law of Attraction which isn’t just some “woo woo” nonsense that I once thought it was. There is an art to this practice, that has to be done with care and love as if it is a child you are nurturing. You are nurturing your own psyche, telling the subconscious mind, (which is like a child), the most basic affirmations: “I am beautiful, I am a millionaire, I am happy” simple action statements which you confirm throughout the day with life’s little gifts. See affirmations don’t work if they are not confirmed. All you need is a speck of proof that these affirmations work by practicing the art of gratitude to make them a reality, or as close to reality as possible. The confirmation that I am a millionaire is the most basic. I am a millionaire because I live 30 minutes away from my loving parents and spent every Sunday with them. I am a millionaire because I have so many friends and people who love me when I never had a single friend all those years ago. I am a millionaire because I have no want or need, my bills are paid, I have a full fridge, and I wake up with no worry, not a single one. It may not be in “dollars”, but I am a millionaire, nonetheless.
I am a firm believer, (especially after reading some of my old blogs), that God has blessed me with the one thing I am the most grateful for: peace. All the weight I gained, all the bumps on my face, the clothes that don’t fit me, the guys that don’t look at me anymore, the empty bed, the scary nights when the power goes out, the nights of loneliness, all of that does not compare to the PEACE I have found. All those things are infinitesimal compared to the epitome of peace.
And how do you get that peace? Gratitude. Just that simple.
And that’s the last thing that I have learned, the most important lesson of my life.
What a wonderful thought isn’t it? Or wouldn’t it be? I know it seems a bit generic, but I believe kindness goes a long way. People aren’t kind anymore at all. In New York, where I am originally from, it is eat or be eaten or basically who can step on one another first – I just never adapted to that or was that type of person.
This daily prompt invoked a thought of a song I used to sing when I was younger that I loved from the early 2000’s; it was called “If I Die Young.” As I think about what I hope people say about me, I also think about what they would say after I die. Would they say nice things? Will people who I have harmed in my addiction and bipolar sprees come back and say I was evil and mean? I try to be a kind person these days, learning a lot from the mistakes of my past. It has a lot to do with being in recovery and remembering to make amends every day. It’s about taking an inventory at night of the wrongs that I may have done during the day and hoping to make it right tomorrow.
We often don’t think about stealing a screw at a Home Depot stealing, or cutting someone off in traffic because we can as a wrongdoing, but it is. And I’m sorry but saying “please” and “thank you” and even “God Bless You” is so important as well. I don’t think people even hold doors open for each other anymore. I don’t know what the world is coming to, but I am going to remain kind and continue to pay it forward for as long as I am alive. I just hope that is what people are saying about me at least.
An Inspired Odyssey Through✨️Ink & Stardust✨️ 