This is one of the hardest things I think most people struggle with. If something happens in your life that draws a black cloud over your head, you tend to dwell and focus on it until it ruins your entire day. I have this habit. Things haven’t been going well for me and my ex-boyfriend. We had been emailing each other because that’s the only mode of communication he was comfortable with, well it looks like he might have put a stop to that as well.
I am heartbroken, distraught and thinking irrationally. My heart is full of negative feelings, and I am trying to find ways to cope with it. Exercise would be helpful if I had the motivation to go and exercise. Praying has been helpful because it’s the season of Lent and I feel I should be focusing on God more rather than my relationship woes. But writing, that has been the winner so far, along with acceptance.
I have to accept things the way they are. He is in another state, and he is being honest with his feelings. He could have just ghosted me and ended things that way, but he chose to open up communication with me. He might be ghosting me now though, because I think he is tired of me always saying that I miss him and that I love him. I know I deserve better, but my heart is in a freefall over this man. I am so fearful that I am going to spend the next 10 years alone again like I was before.
But again, that’s negative thinking. The way I am getting through this is simple: gratitude. I have SO much to be grateful for. I have a way to make money, I have a very nice apartment, and a nice car, but I hate that this manic episode made me lose so much, including him, but that can’t be helped, and I can’t take it back. I hate my illness I truly do, but this is what God gave me, and I have to deal with it. I almost feel punished in a way – like God gave me this illness, he made me fat and ugly, the list goes on and on. I feel so bad about myself, and it’s not getting any better. I wish I could change things, but it is what it is. All I can hope for is a better tomorrow.
Stay tuned.
Daily writing prompt
What strategies do you use to cope with negative feelings?
Of all the steps back, I have taken in my life, none of them would have prepared me for what was ahead in life. I have faced jails, institutions, and certain death through addiction and mental illness, that I never thought I would be where I am at today. Failure is the catalyst that drives us forward; it’s almost religious in a way – the way I’ve seen God is to be shown the Devil. If I hadn’t fallen down as hard as I did, I would have not been able to find my way forward.
In November of last year, I suffered a really bad manic episode. It was totally my fault; I had stopped taking a crucial medication at the advice of my doctor because I was feeling better. This led to three trips to the hospital, back-to-back, where I ended up losing my boyfriend, my job, and my self respect. I was mourning the loss of these things for months, when I realized that it was God who was testing me, it was needed to push me to propel me forward. I am still mourning my relationship – I miss my boyfriend terribly, but God has allowed us to stay in communication helping me build what was broken. I managed to keep my apartment, and my car is still working beautifully, and even though my savings became depleted, I have been able to slowly build back what was lost.
I had another setback with that manic episode where I had called my ex-mother-in-law and told her some not so nice things. She turned around and threatened to have me investigated for the time I was a payee for her son. I loved her son so much, and I kept his money safe and did whatever he asked me to do with it, but it still scared me because no one has gone after me that way before – again another failure in a relationship that I am mourning, but the success is I won’t let her put fear in my heart. Her son destroyed my life – putting the crack pipe in my mouth, stealing my car, and getting us both in jail – I did so much for him and gave my all to him, it’s almost a slap in the face to be honest.
But through all these mishaps and failures, I have found success. I am almost 4 years sober; I am still living the best life I could possibly live, and I have friends and family in my life I never had. Nothing could have prepared me for the setbacks in life, but that’s what life is isn’t it? Life is a series of ups and downs and unexpected events that can derail even the most secured plan – and even though I was flying high in November and on top of the world, something, some force, deemed to knock me off that high pedestal with a lesson in mind. The adventure now, is finding out what that lesson is and learning from it.
Stay Tuned.
Daily writing prompt
How has a failure, or apparent failure, set you up for later success?
It is no secret that bipolar disorder is also known as “The Silent Killer,” because silently, it has the power to erupt and destroy everything in your life. This has happened to me numerous times in my life, but nothing prepared me for what I was about to lose this time around. I suffered so much, and there are still nights where I am crying myself to sleep. The shock to my system, the utter despair of yet another episode of mania in which my sense of reality was completely lost from me.
The worst part is getting over the medicine, all the medicine, that was pumped into my system to bring back down to “Earth.” It has sparked a very severe depression in which I am fighting every day to get rid of. Bipolar is hard, and so is the depressive side – the manic side may be all fun and games, but when you are slammed back down to Earth, you can surely feel it.
The upside of all of this is that I am incredibly fortunate and blessed. The wonderful people at my AA group are still supportive and welcoming, my friends at church are still there with open arms welcoming me at baptism on Easter, my amazing friends in and out of recovery have been wonderful, my amazing mom and dad who gave up everything to help me yet again are still incredible – and of course the wonderful man who I had once called my boyfriend is still at least emailing me.
So even though I feel so much loss, especially with the amazing accounting job I had, I feel so grateful that I still have my amazing apartment, my resilient car, and everything I had before this setback. That’s what I have to call it, just a setback. Jesus tells me that He saved me to serve a higher purpose. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to have a fancy job, maybe my time and energy is supposed to be giving back to the community – going back and volunteering with Recovery Alive, going back to Raleigh and teaching job readiness classes to felons just leaving prison, joining the Legions of Mary and giving the eucharist to those suffering and in need. My mind is on a different path now, on a different mission, and now that my disability is justified, I will be living a minimalist life now just making quick cash on the side doing a side gig – the dream of a career is on the back burner – I realize that I am needed in so many more ways than I am limiting myself.
I am hopeful for the future. I am hopeful for a world ahead of me that is going to hear my voice, to hear the tales of jail, addiction, and possible death, and despite this setback of bipolarness, I am still striving forward.
Sometimes in life we don’t understand why we are called to a purpose. I am trying today to understand all the chaos in my head. Is it Jesus who speaks to me? Or is it my bipolar disorder and I am knee deep in mania? I am going to follow this rabbit hole. Alice followed the rabbit – so here I go.
Understanding mental illness is very difficult. For years, I never understood Jesus’s calling. He calls to me. He speaks to me. When I was crawling on the floor of the psych ward year after year every Easter for 15 years, He kept saying, “take on the demons Lynn, you need to show them the Devil, so they can understand God.” Emily Rose – that was her name. Read her story or watch her movie. It is important that we understand that in today’s world, we think we can remedy it all with Ozempic to lose weight really, really fast, then diagnosis people with diabetes in order for the insurance to pay for it. We give people Haldol, Seroquel, Trazadone, Risperdal, Adderall, Lexapro (the culprit that took me out for 20 years), and we think it will solve the chaos of the mind and soul. But it is a battle. A battle we have to fight every day between Good and Evil.
I was driving to get my new best friend, (who I have only met once), and take her to an AA meeting today because she really needed it. I was calling her and calling her because I am driving into a neighborhood of my town that I do not know, and this NYC girl feels really out of sorts out here in the country, lol. When I got to a stoplight, I got distracted by something, I don’t know what but became really disoriented and cut in front of someone by mistake when I made the right turn at the red light. He/She honked at me really loudly and then passed me – I immediately slammed on my gas pedal, and pushed my beloved little Corolla, which I immediately regretted, (be nice to your cars they love you), and pursued this person in rage who honked at me. Then I slowed and realized my friend wasn’t answering her phone. Who is this girl anyway? Do I really know her? Am I walking into something unsafe? The thoughts started coming – “she’s going to set you up” “you’re going to die” so I turned around at a gas station and started driving in the other direction towards the meeting. She texted and let me know she was waiting, and when I called her, she said she was in the shower and didn’t realize her phone was ringing and ringing with my frantic manic calls of utter nonsense and hysteria of “doom.” Once I heard her sweet voice though, I knew I wasn’t in danger, and immediately went to pick her up. It wasn’t easy though. Google Maps, and I swear on the life of me I AM going to do something about Google, kept redirecting me all over the place so I couldn’t get directions to her house. It froze, went into “preview” mode, did all kinds of bullshit for about 5 minutes, when I finally tricked it into taking me where I needed to go.
Was that all craziness? Or was it real?
One can question what is real and what isn’t. Reality isn’t what we think it is, at all. It really isn’t, and they lock people up in all kinds of psych wards just because they are warriors for God, and they are just trying to save us.
Crazy thoughts run amuck can change the face of the world, especially the entire nation in which we live. My amazing boyfriend helps me through all of this with his utter kindness and gentleness. My ex-husband is currently committed in a state hospital in New York. We wonder about the people in our lives and how they think about us. This girl wasn’t trying to set me up – she is the kindest, dearest, sweetest person I have ever met, and we have so much in common. I invited her to my house to hang out and talk after the meeting and we had such an amazing afternoon, and we plan on spending lots more time together. I acquired a brand-new best friend today! And imagine, if I would have let those crazy thoughts stop me, I would have stood her up, and she wouldn’t have had a ride to the AA meeting today, which we both desperately needed. I desperately need AA every day, it’s a fact. Addiction and mental illness crippled my soul, but Jesus set me free.
Out of all my accomplishments in my life – being sober is what I most proud of. It changed everything about the quality of my life, especially the impact it has had on my mental health. I have struggled with bipolar disorder for so many long years, and I never stopped to think that it had anything to do with all my drinking. But taking bipolar pills early in the morning, then waiting for them to wear off, drinking all afternoon, waiting to sober up, and then taking more bipolar pills to go to bed at night, is the ultimate definition of insanity. THIS IS NOT NORMAL AT ALL FOLKS. Doing that same routine for many years, is EXACTLY how I was in and out of all the mental institutions in New York for many, many years. This is how I destroyed myself; this is how I suffered and endured so much pain.
It’s only after coming to North Carolina, going to jail, then spending almost 2 years homeless and in the recovery community, did I realize it was the addiction that was the cause of all my problems, stress, heartaches, headaches, and overall poor quality of my life.
Being sober is the best thing I have ever done with my life. I am so grateful for surrendering when I did, giving my addiction over to God, and having Him take it from me.My life has changed so much, being almost 4 years sober, and I couldn’t have imagined a better life today compared to what it was 10 years ago. I have my family, my friends, a wonderful healthy relationship with an amazing boyfriend, a path to an amazing career, and an independence unlike any I have ever known; I love living by myself so, so much – this is absolutely the life I prayed for.
So, today’s prompt is about when was the first time I actually felt like a grown-up, and I have to say it’s only been this past year, even though I am now in my mid-40s. Being in the mental health system and the drug addiction cycle for so long, and of course, living and mooching off of my parents for many years, I never knew what it was like to be a grown-up or experience independence – especially like the independence that I experience today.
It’s a lot more than just paying bills, rent, and taking care of yourself – it’s also about self-discipline and having self-control. I am off of probation now, so honestly, nothing is stopping me from getting a huge bottle of wine from the grocery store or kicking back with some mimosas on a Friday night. Maybe SOME people can do that, but not this alcoholic. I am not worried too much about going off the deep end and going on a drinking binge, but more how drinking again would interact with my bipolar medication which would definitely lead to mania, and of course hospitalization, which I can absolutely NOT afford right now.
The level of responsibility is heavy, but the rewards outweigh all of that. My own place, my own home, my own freedom – and most of all, having a beautiful guestroom in which my friends can come stay, (like this weekend and next weekend), is a feeling that is just irreplaceable. This is the life I prayed for. When I was little, I wanted the house, car, marriage, the whole thing, but God had different plans for me. I think of ex-husband often, and the crazy adventure that led me to North Carolina – through jails, institutions and rehab, BUT if it wasn’t for him, I would have never left New York and the horrible cycle of non-independence I was living in.
So yes, take the risk if you can – open yourself to new opportunities, and grow-up every chance you get – but honestly, I may say that, but I will always be a Toys’r’us kid!!
Stay tuned.
Daily writing prompt
When was the first time you really felt like a grown up (if ever)?
Just as the title says – I have prayed my entire life for independence, sobriety, and a peace of mind which includes stable mental health, and I am absolutely living that life today. After being an alcoholic and bipolar mess for so many years, I can honestly say as I look around my apartment, (after spending an amazing Sunday afternoon with my incredible parents), that the HELL I went through is totally worth the life I have now.
I still battle with thoughts of my ex-husband – I know he is still stuck in the clutches of addiction. I know how much he is struggling, and how much it hurts his family. Every now and then, a song would come on the radio, and I would find myself crying at a stoplight because I would be so overwhelmed with guilt because I turned my back on him. But how could I not? I went to jail for this man, I did drugs with this man, I robbed stores with this man, I lost myself in this man. When I realized that I had to change my phone number too, I knew that it would be the final line drawn in the sand. I knew that it would be last time I would hear his voice. Everything in me wants to sometimes call his mom and get the phone number to where he is, and just hear his voice again and tell him everything is going to be okay – but I know I can’t – it’s not a road I want to travel down. Plus, how will I ever explain a move like that to the loving boyfriend I have now? NOPE. IMPOSSIBLE.
But there are so, so many tears of joy in my life now. Driving down the roads in my neighborhood especially, knowing how many people I know, how many church people’s houses I have visited, the AA clubhouse I attend, and just growing more and more in a community that is so loving and giving to this New York City explant. I never in a million years thought I would leave the confines of a small, tiny room in my parent’s house – let alone have my own beautiful two-bedroom apartment with a cozy butterfly-themed guestroom for all my amazing friends to stay over in.
In all, I have to say, sobriety is the absolute key to all of this success. People say, “well I can use CBD or smoke weed. “Oh no you effin’ can’t. You’ve GOT to get rid of all that crap if you ever expect to live a sane life. Every single thing that alters your mind, also alters your mood, and I am sorry to say that also goes for mental health medicine. I know, I know, some people really need their medication, trust me I know, I still have to take mine, but I don’t have to flood my body with tons of medications that I know I can fight through and do without. Like the Lithium that I have finally come off of after 12 years of being on it – I can’t even tell you what kind of battle that is like, but sometimes you just need to FEEL what you need to feel and ride the wave till you come back to your normal self. That’s called having a thick skin, soldiering through, and womaning up, and it’s one of the main reasons why I live so good today. So yeah, tears of joy = the life I live today, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I’ve done a lot of the “daily prompts” lately, so I thought I would change it up a bit. Being a recovered bipolar and now sober three and a half years, looking back on my life and where I am going now has been a beautiful thing. My boyfriend is absolutely amazing and is a man that I have always dreamed about being with. Not only is he heartbreakingly handsome, but he is one of the kindest, caring, smartest, calmest, and most responsible men I have ever met. There is a big issue with his daughter though; she suffers with severe mental illness and is the main reason why we can’t physically be together right now. However, I am taking the time to let the relationship progress, and despite a recent breakup, I’m hanging on tight. He is worth loving, and I am worth the happiness I have always wanted, so a little time and patience is all that is really needed.
I haven’t heard from my ex’s mom in a few weeks – the last time we spoke, she told me he had been sent back to a mental hospital for a fourth time in two months after several nights of using drugs in the street and going back and forth to the terrible neighborhood that he’s always known. It hasn’t been going well for him, he has gotten beat up pretty badly several times, and even lost the suit he was going to wear to our wedding – that broke my heart completely because I still have my wedding dress. I love him so much still – I have been thinking about him a lot lately, and as I am growing closer to God and my church, I am wondering if spiritually the Universe is trying to tell me something. I have been hearing “Green Eyes” by Coldplay a lot lately on my Pandora rotation, and not only does that song upset my boyfriend, but it would also upset him more to know that I cry and think about my ex every time it comes on. He sang that song to me when we were together, and he told me he used to sing that song to himself all the time in jail when he thought of me – during that time we were both incarcerated in the same detention center, and I was still holding on to a hope of a future with him, despite all the bad shit that had happened.
Since coming off of probation, and my ex receiving the last letter I sent, I think it’s time to let him go. I want him to find peace, and as I think about what I really feel, feelings of dread erupt in me, because I do not wish him death – but honestly, that’s his only way out right now. He runs to the streets every chance he gets; he is getting beat up so badly out there now and losing so much weight, he has become a ghost of the man I fell in love with all those years ago. He is going to get killed out there, and I often wonder if he does, indeed, have a death wish. I can only imagine what he’s feeling – last night I found myself in tears thinking of the nights that he laid next to me holding me tight and begging me never to leave him. I promised I never would, and as tears come in my eyes now, I feel like such a piece of crap for breaking that promise amidst all his suffering now. I wanted nothing more than to always take care of him, and as I battle the never-ending struggle with my weight, I realize that none of that ever mattered when I was with him – and that full acceptance of all that I am, came directly from his love for me. Now I know, you are all thinking, “you don’t need a man to justify who you are or your beauty,” but dammit it helps, and even though my boyfriend now loves me with everything in him, he hasn’t been with my physically every day like my ex was, so that fear of rejection is still ever present.
So today, as I live the life I have always prayed for, despite this whole weight issue, I think back on my ex and our life and how much I really needed him as much as he needed me. I would have never left New York, never left my parent’s house, and never gotten a life of my own and the independence I had always dreamed about. Today I have real-life friends who I actually spend time with, I am around REAL people, and I am off the internet and out in the real world as much as possible. I also have such a full life and the relationship with my parents and family that I have always wanted. Today, I get to show up and be relied upon, I am sober and proud, and on so little medication, I don’t even consider myself bipolar anymore, just recovered. From the years of the endless revolving door of the mental hospitals, the years of the drinking and drugging, the years of self-abuse, self-neglect, and self-destruction, I have finally come through to the other side, and tomorrow never looked brighter and fuller of opportunity. So, I think it’s time I put Giovanni away for good. I love him, but I have to move forward.
Upon thinking about it, the most important thing that motivates me not reliving the desolation and depression I faced years ago. I remember what I went through, and it pushes me forward every day. There was a time where I just slept, ate, scoured the internet searching for a man, engaged in despicable acts with the ones I found, and just felt horrible about myself. In between all that I mixed alcohol with my psych meds, going through an endless cycle in the mental health system.
Thinking about that life, it motivates me to stay sober, take care of myself, and push forward to the future. Yesterday was a hard day because after therapy all these feelings came out about what it would take to make me happy. I mean, I have an amazing life now, but my weight, my horrible weight, in which I blew up 50 pounds in just three short months, has been the most excruciating part of my everyday life. What is ironic, is that the same weight issue is what has held me back from living my life years ago as well, despite the fact that I was 70 pounds less than I am now.
Having horrible thyroid issues has been my Achilles heel in losing this weight. My doctor recently told me that she is not surprised at all that the scale isn’t moving at all despite all the gym visits and dieting I have been doing. It is more than discouraging, but it is not as debilitating as it used to be. What motivates me to get out of bed every morning, (and make my bed so I don’t jump back in it when tempted to just lay down and hide from the world), is that I have the life I have always prayed for, and I never want to slide back into the past. The endless loop of despair and remembering the days and nights drinking my woes away – even the mornings at 11am at Applebee’s ordering endless Long Island Iced Teas, lying to waitstaff that I had just come off a stressful night shift. And of course, I would wait for the alcohol to wear off during the day before I took my night psych meds to go to sleep – all of this led to multiple hospitalizations because of the deadly combination of drugs and drinking.
Remembering all of that, motivates to push forward and stay sober. I am on much less psych meds for my bipolar disorder, (even though I don’t even think I’m bipolar, just an alcoholic), but I know in my heart where I never want to be again. As far as the weight goes, I think I won’t let it be the entire focus of my life anymore and dictate how I live every day. I mean it was so bad at one time that I didn’t even leave the house or date because I thought I was so fat and ugly. I am so glad to not be in that headspace again, although, being much fatter than I was then affects me a lot sometimes.
My overall motivation is also directly to my current relationship – I want to be in a much better place mentally and physically for when my boyfriend finally gets here, and we start our life together. After all those years of wanting a good man who loves me, I finally got the relationship I’ve always wanted – everything else will just fall into place.
The words, oh the so many beautiful words that come across the screen as they enter my mind. The beauty, the nostalgia, the excitement the sheer joy it brings! I love being able to express myself, I love sharing my story, I love that people read them and enjoy them, most of all, the sheer therapy of it all is monumental.
I will never forget the days of my early journaling, and when I created my first blog – of how much pain used to be written down and expressed to now being able to feel the freedom and power of overwhelming peace that has taken over my life.
Everything I write now is with purpose and intentional, and to me it’s the most beautiful kind of art that exists in this world.
An Inspired Odyssey Through✨️Ink & Stardust✨️ 