inspiredodyssey love

Loving a Man in Chains

Tonight I see it clearly — I am the free one.
I’ve walked through my own prisons: my ex-husband’s control, my addiction, the years of craving love that hurt more than it healed. I earned this freedom drop by drop, tear by tear.

And yet my heart still reaches for a man who lives behind invisible bars. His daughter, his guilt, his fear — all real, all heavy. I can feel how small the world must feel to him, how rare the air of laughter must be when he calls me.

But I will not trade my wings for his chains.
I can love him without locking myself away.
I can ache for his peace and still choose my own.

That is what love in the light looks like — compassion without captivity.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt, Inspiration

The Night I Opened the Door

After years of being terribly codependent on every man I ever loved, tonight is the night I finally grew up, and finally learned independence.

Tonight, something subtle but powerful shifted.

I opened the back door of my apartment — a door I hadn’t touched in months — and stepped outside. The night air wrapped around me like an old friend, and I realized how long it had been since I let myself breathe beyond the walls of waiting.

I looked up at the stars, knowing that soon I’ll be seeing them through my own telescope — my first one. I even found a local astronomy club, in which this inspriation came, and for the first time in a long time, I’m excited about something that has nothing to do with anyone else. Just wonder. Just sky.

It used to destroy me when he didn’t call. The silence felt like proof of absence. But this time, I was steady. I’d made peace with the quiet — and then, like clockwork, the phone lit up.

He did call.

And the night that began in stillness ended in laughter and heat — Scooby-Doo, Wishmaster, for our spooky season of shows and movies, the teasing that felt light and alive, and the love I finally wasn’t chasing, falling apart over, or being desperate about. He told me he wanted to be next to me, and I could feel that softness, that spark, still alive between us. He told me how much he liked how much I teased him, and I could feel his needing and all his wanting again.

But this time, I wasn’t clinging. I was choosing.

I wasn’t waiting by the door — I was standing outside it, finally seeing the stars.

Something in me reopened tonight.

Not just the door. Not just the line between us.

My whole life.

Daily writing prompt
When was the first time you really felt like a grown up (if ever)?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

More Sleep and Definitely More Self-Care

Every day I deny myself something, more sleep, more time for myself, more love for myself. I admit I walk around with this self-hatred chip on my shoulder, one I have always had. I am not accepting of myself, and I definitely don’t love myself enough. I am working on that though, as the obsessions and the addictions I carry are slowly subsiding.

Mr. California hasn’t called me in two days. Tragic, life altering, earth-shattering to me a few months ago, but today, I am handling it in stride. I am spending more time with my best friend from NYC and just trying my best to not obsess and let my addiction get a hold of me. I am the first one to admit that I have traded my alcoholic mentality to a fixation on Mr. California: that transference is very real and prominent in my life. But as my best friend says, “if he calls, he calls, if he doesn’t, he doesn’t” – probably the wisest and simplest truth I have heard today.

I joined the NextDoor app again. Last time, I met a girl on there who was so crazy, I deleted the app and vowed not to go back, however, last night I opened it up again just to see what was new. They’ve changed the app, it looks much cleaner, and I actually found a cool Dell Wireless mouse for $5 that I am going to give my dad on Sunday. She wanted to meet at the library for the transaction, which felt kinda sketchy, but she turned out to be really nice. I wanted to ask her to coffee, but I decided against it, it felt too weird. She welcomed me to the neighborhood, and off I went with my new mouse, lol. I made a coffee date with another girl I met on there for Friday morning, so we will see how that turns out. All evidence of me trying to put myself out there, make more friends and not be so obsessed with Mr. California.

I am really sitting here worried I won’t get to talk to him for a third night in a row. I really hope this doesn’t become a habit. But I can’t let fear and doubt rule my life. My life has to go on because he’s 3,000 miles away and isn’t my boyfriend anymore – a hard truth that I really have to swallow. He loved me once, oh man, did he ever. He loved me so much, my heart used to burst with his love every night. But what I need to do more of is, I need to love myself more and stop pouring so much into him – into a dead relationship I keep trying to resurrect. He has a history of unhealthy relationships, so I should have known better. Did he get tired of me? Is he over me? Is he talking to someone else? So many spiraling questions swirling around in my head.

What I need to do is refocus. I need to enjoy tonight like I did last night. My life cannot be dependent on someone else’s actions, motives, or feelings for me. I learned that lesson with my husband, and Mr. California is teaching me, pushing me, and making me love myself and dedicate more time to myself as much as I am trying so hard to fight it.

Tonight is for me. And tomorrow. And the day after. And the day after that.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What could you do more of?
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inspiredodyssey love

This Man Lights a Fire in Me

I remember the night of sex with my ex-husband, that was so orgasmic, I never thought anyone would match. But with Mr. California, my legs can’t stop squirming on a daily basis. Tonight was one of those nights. I just was on the couch talking to him, imagining what it would be like if he was on my couch with me, (we were trying to watch some really cool Justice League cartoons and a really good Stargate SG1 episode), but in between commercials, there was so much heavy flirting and teasing, I was dying for him so much.

This new chapter in our relationship is an interesting one. In the beginning, it was just as explosive, probably more so, because he was so openly in love with me and couldn’t contain how much he wanted me – marriage was even mentioned. Since then, through all the trials and tribulations, the heartache and pain we caused each other, the need and the chaos, the forgiveness, and desperation, we have come to this sort of compromised state. I am still blocked, and I know why I am; I lost that privilege when I showed him the real meaning of crazy. He said he would unblock me eventually, but I honestly feel a bit at peace with it. I leave him voicemails filled with prayers and love, and emails full of teasing and want. His calls come regularly and nightly, and to some that may seem incredibly unfair – even he said it all feels uneven, but to me I love him so much that I will take him in whatever form he is willing to give me.

This opportunity of freedom gives me the chance to go out and be in the world. I saw my bestie in Raleigh today, then my sci-fi friend, then took a nice drive to my parent’s house while they are out of town to take care of the property. The drive brought on tears, revelations, eighties music with thoughts of him, adventures I fantasized about and the realization that this exactly where God wants me right now. Everything that led up to this beautiful day, is the place and the duty that I was given since the floor of that jail cell, where I promised Jesus that I would never drink again, and join the church he founded by his apostles. Since that promise, I lost my husband, was homeless, lived with so many dramatic women in sober houses before finally finding my own place, then met Mr. California when I absolutely wasn’t looking and definitely didn’t expect to fall in love so hard and so deeply.

I don’t know what lays before me, but since taking my vows to Legion of Mary, and my promise to Christ to do his work and pursue a jail ministry, preaching God and sobriety, I think I am in the exact right place at the exact right time.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Serendipitous – My Favorite Word

I think it’s been my favorite word since I saw “Serendipity” (2001) with John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale. It simply means “happy chance, but can be interpreted as a form of fate or destiny”, something I have always believed in since I was a little girl. Many can argue that we make our own fate – as Sarah Conner showed us in Terminator 2: Judgement Day, but do we really? Are we really in control of our own destinies? What part does God play in all of that? When people say it’s in “God’s Time” or trust God’s plan, is that intertwined with fate as well?

Such big questions. I think serendipitous describes a lot of what transpired in my life between 2019 and now. I met my ex-husband in a psych ward, and the ride we went on through madness, drugs, chaos, incarceration and homelessness, taught me that no matter how much we try and force the hand of fate and bend it to our will, our actions and the deeds we do, directly result in what ultimately happens to us. It is said that angels are jealous of us because we have “free will”, God’s greatest gift to us. But is our will really free? Are the things that happen to us due to our many choices just all random, and not our destiny?

I think about that in terms of Mr. California. I write and think about him a lot these days, mainly because of how much in love with him I am. Was it serendipitous that we met? Did the long nights of tears over my ex-husband, pain and anguish I felt finally break because fate intervened? What made Mr. California message me that one January night? Why did I answer? I will never forget his first message to me – just something simple like “I am sorry you’re hurting, I hope you are able to sleep.” I don’t even know why I answered. but I did, and the heartbreak and grief that I had been feeling for months was lifted into the dramatic love affair that I was suddenly swept up in.

The problem with all of this is, I never got a chance to be single. I never knew what it was like to be completely on my own, feel all the feelings of solitude, loneliness, and singledom. I never got to really enjoy my apartment and all the freedoms that come with it. But, again, in a serendipitous twist that felt like fate, I was hospitalized so traumatically that it broke whatever relationship me and Mr. California had, bringing us to where we are now. These days, I am on my own a lot – there aren’t any more texts, and calls during the day – it is just me out in the world, rediscovering who I am, remembering how much I wanted to be free for so many years, practicing my faith in all ways that I can, and learning to love who I am – all without chasing after a man. I still enjoy my nightly calls with him, and there is lots of fun, laughs and sex, but not on the terms they were on before. This time it’s different, more shaky, more woven in the ways of rebuilding a foundation of what once was.

This is serendipitous new ground. The kind that God wants me to see. And yes, I have my free will – I always did, but the thread of my life that hangs in the balance is no longer dependent on the love of a man, but the love that I have for myself.

Daily writing prompt
What’s your favorite word?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Telephone Love

It’s funny, isn’t it? In a time of camming and video messaging, the phone is still glued to my ear when I am talking to the love of my life. We used to Skype, (RIP, I hate you Microsoft), but those days are long gone. I asked if he wanted to video chat again, but it doesn’t seem to be his thing anymore, which is fine – but man am I missing how those big, brown beautiful eyes used to get even bigger when they used to stare at me – SWOON – God it’s been way too long.

Long distance is hard, for anyone, but it is especially hard for two people with such damanging, codependent behaviors. He outright admitted to me that he has never been in a healthy relationship, and I have to admit, I have never been in one either. But who has? Can you guys honestly tell me that your relationships are healthy? I hate to be pessimistic, but I can’t see one relationship that doesn’t have a thread of narcissism, uneveness, some sort of power dynamic, or just one person who is happy and one who just isn’t and the other one has no clue. I have been participating in the black hole of the internet recently, (Reddit), and I see so many posts about someone being completely blindsided that their partner has left them. I know this doesn’t go for ALL relationships, but it’s for a good amount, I think.

I am trying to navigate the best I can around Mr. California. He is moody, worrisome, achy, everything you would expect of a man approaching 50, I guess. It’s funny that I never saw these behaviors when we were actually dating last year, and now that things are so different, and our relationship is undefined, I am starting to see exactly what kind of man he is. He is infuriating to me at times, but then again, no relationship is perfect.

But it is not all gloom and doom – there is SO much love between us, it’s intoxicating. This man makes me feel so young again – we watch so many cool movies and shows like Justice League and Fraggle Rock, that I get to relive my childhood all over with him again. I feel a little like Jenna Rink in 13 going on 30, especially when she talks about sharing Razzles with Matty – me and Mr. California talk about all the cool snacks and candies, and send them to each other all the time. This time around I got him some Whatchamacallits, which really brought him back – back to when life, responsibility and worry didn’t plague his mind.

So, what am I doing this evening? I am going to be spending some time on the phone with the man I love, (if he calls). I am still blocked, (his boundary), but he does call me and we spend hours of laughs and bliss together – kind of like two teenagers on a landline in the 80s. It’s cute, it gives me tons of butterflies – and on the rare occassion we have phone sex, which is honestly, some of the best I’ve ever had. We will make it work, it will just take time. There is a lot of healing to be done after how much I hurt him last year.

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What are you doing this evening?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Heartbreak – A Vicious Cycle

Today’s prompt asks, “what am I feeling right now”? Ultimate Heartbreak is the best answer. I am in love with a man that loved me so much once, one that helped get over the loss of my husband, one who promised to love and take care of me, but who now gaslights me and breadcrumbs me with scraps like a dog. I can’t express the pain of what I feel – by not having the strength to let go of someone who longer loves me, who is left begging every night with emails and voicemails, only to go to sleep heartbroken with a pillow full of tears. He still calls me, and keeps in contact with me, but only at the bare minimum. When I say it’s like he treats me like a dog he’s giving scraps to, it’s not an exaggeration at all. Everyone says, “just block him and move on,” but don’t you think if it was that easy, I would have done it already?

I am too worthless to break free. Today I am going to Confession and tell Father that my heartbreak is taking me away from God. I know God has plans for me that I can’t see or understand, but I know He wouldn’t want me living my life this way. I spent so long in darkness when I lived in NY, and now to do a repeat of those dark years finally living on my own seems so sad and is no way to live. Why do I put my value and worth on what a man thinks of me or feels for me? Can I not learn to live alone and enjoy my freedom and independence?

It is noon on a Saturday, and I have a whole day ahead of me. My best friend usually spends his whole day watching TV, I am starting to learn something from him- I currently have been reminiscing with Xena: Warrior Princess and will probably read some of my Star Wars book later. You know, I don’t have pressure, I don’t have stress, all my needs are met, and I have a mom and dad that love me and sacrificed everything for me. Why can’t I just be grateful? Why did I let this man come into my life and destroy me in such a way? My ex-husband was so toxic and basically destroyed my life, and now I am headed down a similar path in all my self-destruction. I want to look back on this and remember that I have been given all the opportunities in the world to enjoy my life, but I choose to stay wallowing in pain.

I don’t want to live like this anymore.

This is my cry for help.

Please make it stop.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
How are you feeling right now?
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inspiredodyssey love

My First Crush, My Last Crush

It’s hard to remember my first crush exactly, but I do know that when I was young, I used to have fantasies about the guys on TV. There was Riker from Star Trek the Next Generation, there was Michael Knight from Knight Rider, there was Face from A-Team, even William Shatner as Captain Kirk himself, (who I finally got to meet at GalaxyCon last year, swoon even at 91! lol). I loved them so much, and used to act out scenes from shows with them, pretending I was their love interest, (I had quite the imagination for a 10-year-old, lol).

Over the years, my relationships evolved into some versions of the men I used to crush over on TV. I got to meet a real-life version of Riker, but a Mexican version which is even sexier. My latest love interest, who I am working my hardest to be with again, is my Mexican Riker. He’s got the eyes, the hair, and of course, swoon, the beard! That luxurious beard how could a girl not go crazy! I still send him all kinds of products for his beard, I do love that he takes good care of it.

But one of the things that I am remembering about my Mexican Riker, were the words he wrote to me once. He called me his “first love, his true love” and I am brought back to the days when he was head over heels in love with me. We fell into so much passion, it was electrifying. My days and nights were filled with him encompassing my entire being, feelings that I just never experienced that with anyone else. All those years growing up, wishing and wanting a deep true love – I finally got to experience it last year. These days it’s just really painful, and I miss him with everything in me because the relationship just isn’t the same anymore; it is a far cry from the deep love we used to share. I find myself wanting and needing so much, only to get stopped by a giant wall and the enormous space between us. What I would give to be able to tell him how I really feel. What I would give to hear how much he wanted me again. It’s stabbing me in my heart every day.

So is he my first crush? Technically, yes. I was in love with Riker as a child, now I am in love with Mexican Riker 30 years later – and what a tragic love story it is.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

A “You’ve Got Mail” Moment in Time

My favorite moments in time are when me and my ex used to send each other messages without knowing what each other looked like. I LOVED that time – I was so open to it, and I loved what he used to say and what we used to talk about. I remember all the wants and needs, and how we were just two people grasping for each other for that one moment in time.

I did suggest that he see the movie, or at least the book “Shop Around the Corner.” We did see it together later on, and that was at a time when everything was so explosive. It was definitely my “hottest” online relationship because we both exploded into each other several times a day. We cammed, we phoned, we enveloped each other. He became my everything, I became his. We fell in love so deeply; he pursued me so relentlessly. I didn’t think it was possible to love so much or as much I loved my husband, but he came and blew all of that out of the window.

It’s been a year since those days, and I find myself reading his old messages to me, longing for that moment in time. I ache for him, my body pulses with thoughts of him. I love him so much, and it’s become my daily obsession, and I am starting to feel ashamed of myself because he no longer feels the same way. Don’t get me wrong, his boundaries of just emailing once or twice a day have now escalated to 4-5 hour long phone conversations, but it’s not the same as that all-encompassing passion that we once had. I crave him so much, I dream of him at night, and I know he holds himself back because of all the damage I caused our relationship.

I know it’s not possible, and people say you shouldn’t regret the past, but I wish with everything in me that I didn’t hurt him the way I did last year.

Every day I feel like I am still being punished for it.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Opening Myself up to Love Again, the Last Risk I Took

When my husband was battling severe addiction and mental health issues, I had to make a decision. I had to leave him, and I didn’t know how. My parents had to step in, which they did so bravely, by putting him on a bus back to New York to his mom. I didn’t have the strength to do it – my marriage was rocky and crazy for so long, and I had just been incarcerated and homeless due to all the circumstances. I never would have gotten out of that if it wasn’t for my mom and dad to which whom I am eternally grateful.

But the big risk came just a few months later. I had been suffering a lot when my husband left – despite the rockiness and all the self-destructiveness, I still loved him and still yearned for him. I was on a mental health forum that I had been on for close to a decade, and just poured my heart out on there, making posts about my lack of sleep and all the crying I had been doing. A man messaged me on there, a really kind man, who only wished me good sleep. I had no idea what he looked like, or what his name was, but he made me feel really good – like someone in the world gave me comfort in my most brokenness.

After months of talking, I still hadn’t seen what this mystery man looked like – it was the longest I had ever gone without asking for a picture, but I didn’t think that it mattered because we were just friendly forum friends. Then one day, I sent him a picture, and he sent one back, and boy was I floored. He was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen, nothing that I had expected, heck, I didn’t even know what I expected, but it certainly wasn’t that. I fell in love instantly; after months of talking to this man, I finally got to see him, and I just wanted all of him – I wanted to talk to him, hear his voice, see him on cam, and see him in person, all in one shot, lol. When we finally got to the phone calls, it was so intense and was some of the best phone sex I ever had in my life, totally unexpected again. We eventually began dating, I don’t even know if it was online dating, because it was hours of phone, cam, everything, just all the time. I fell in love hard; it was the last big risk I ever took, and one that I am glad I did to this day.

Eventually, the honeymoon phase ended, and real life stepped in when my bipolar disorder took front seat, and a crazy manic episode ended up scaring him pretty badly. He felt unequipped to take care of me from so far away. I understood, and after months in the hospital, I finally landed back on Earth in a horrible depressive episode. Apparently, it’s normal for doctors to treat a manic patient by shooting them up with so many heavy drugs that it completely debilitates them, and that’s what happened to me. I was completely unfunctional for two months after months of being in the hospital. Suffice to say, 2025 turned out to be a rocky start.

Today, me and this guy are on speaking terms again, but just emails so far. There have been a few frequent phone calls with lots of phone sex, and conversation, but he is trying really hard to focus on what he needs to right now. Apparently, my manic episode sparked in him the inability to function in his life, where he needs to make his own choices for him and his kids. It was always a complicated situation, now it being ever more so with him trying to go to school to better his life. I am really proud of him and his decision, and even though my heart flutters every time I get an email or phone call, I have been focusing on myself a lot lately too. My baptism is tomorrow tonight at my Catholic church, and this is a really big step, being Muslim and entering into this world. This guy is Catholic and had been a huge influence in me learning about Catholicism, and a lot of my faith is wrapped up in my love for him. He’s not the reason I wanted to join the church, my calling started years before that, but knowing him and learning about what he knows, helped this journey a lot.

So right now, even though it can be painful because hours can go by without an email, and lonely nights turn into phone sex with a man I am head over heels for, things are just this way for now. Some of my friends approve, some don’t, but ultimately, I don’t want to let go. It was the risk I took, when I needed someone, and we are trying our best to stay in each other’s lives. I had tried to move on earlier in the year and failed miserably.

So how did it work out? Still a work in progress, lol.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
When is the last time you took a risk? How did it work out?
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