inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Serendipitous – My Favorite Word

I think it’s been my favorite word since I saw “Serendipity” (2001) with John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale. It simply means “happy chance, but can be interpreted as a form of fate or destiny”, something I have always believed in since I was a little girl. Many can argue that we make our own fate – as Sarah Conner showed us in Terminator 2: Judgement Day, but do we really? Are we really in control of our own destinies? What part does God play in all of that? When people say it’s in “God’s Time” or trust God’s plan, is that intertwined with fate as well?

Such big questions. I think serendipitous describes a lot of what transpired in my life between 2019 and now. I met my ex-husband in a psych ward, and the ride we went on through madness, drugs, chaos, incarceration and homelessness, taught me that no matter how much we try and force the hand of fate and bend it to our will, our actions and the deeds we do, directly result in what ultimately happens to us. It is said that angels are jealous of us because we have “free will”, God’s greatest gift to us. But is our will really free? Are the things that happen to us due to our many choices just all random, and not our destiny?

I think about that in terms of Mr. California. I write and think about him a lot these days, mainly because of how much in love with him I am. Was it serendipitous that we met? Did the long nights of tears over my ex-husband, pain and anguish I felt finally break because fate intervened? What made Mr. California message me that one January night? Why did I answer? I will never forget his first message to me – just something simple like “I am sorry you’re hurting, I hope you are able to sleep.” I don’t even know why I answered. but I did, and the heartbreak and grief that I had been feeling for months was lifted into the dramatic love affair that I was suddenly swept up in.

The problem with all of this is, I never got a chance to be single. I never knew what it was like to be completely on my own, feel all the feelings of solitude, loneliness, and singledom. I never got to really enjoy my apartment and all the freedoms that come with it. But, again, in a serendipitous twist that felt like fate, I was hospitalized so traumatically that it broke whatever relationship me and Mr. California had, bringing us to where we are now. These days, I am on my own a lot – there aren’t any more texts, and calls during the day – it is just me out in the world, rediscovering who I am, remembering how much I wanted to be free for so many years, practicing my faith in all ways that I can, and learning to love who I am – all without chasing after a man. I still enjoy my nightly calls with him, and there is lots of fun, laughs and sex, but not on the terms they were on before. This time it’s different, more shaky, more woven in the ways of rebuilding a foundation of what once was.

This is serendipitous new ground. The kind that God wants me to see. And yes, I have my free will – I always did, but the thread of my life that hangs in the balance is no longer dependent on the love of a man, but the love that I have for myself.

Daily writing prompt
What’s your favorite word?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Telephone Love

It’s funny, isn’t it? In a time of camming and video messaging, the phone is still glued to my ear when I am talking to the love of my life. We used to Skype, (RIP, I hate you Microsoft), but those days are long gone. I asked if he wanted to video chat again, but it doesn’t seem to be his thing anymore, which is fine – but man am I missing how those big, brown beautiful eyes used to get even bigger when they used to stare at me – SWOON – God it’s been way too long.

Long distance is hard, for anyone, but it is especially hard for two people with such damanging, codependent behaviors. He outright admitted to me that he has never been in a healthy relationship, and I have to admit, I have never been in one either. But who has? Can you guys honestly tell me that your relationships are healthy? I hate to be pessimistic, but I can’t see one relationship that doesn’t have a thread of narcissism, uneveness, some sort of power dynamic, or just one person who is happy and one who just isn’t and the other one has no clue. I have been participating in the black hole of the internet recently, (Reddit), and I see so many posts about someone being completely blindsided that their partner has left them. I know this doesn’t go for ALL relationships, but it’s for a good amount, I think.

I am trying to navigate the best I can around Mr. California. He is moody, worrisome, achy, everything you would expect of a man approaching 50, I guess. It’s funny that I never saw these behaviors when we were actually dating last year, and now that things are so different, and our relationship is undefined, I am starting to see exactly what kind of man he is. He is infuriating to me at times, but then again, no relationship is perfect.

But it is not all gloom and doom – there is SO much love between us, it’s intoxicating. This man makes me feel so young again – we watch so many cool movies and shows like Justice League and Fraggle Rock, that I get to relive my childhood all over with him again. I feel a little like Jenna Rink in 13 going on 30, especially when she talks about sharing Razzles with Matty – me and Mr. California talk about all the cool snacks and candies, and send them to each other all the time. This time around I got him some Whatchamacallits, which really brought him back – back to when life, responsibility and worry didn’t plague his mind.

So, what am I doing this evening? I am going to be spending some time on the phone with the man I love, (if he calls). I am still blocked, (his boundary), but he does call me and we spend hours of laughs and bliss together – kind of like two teenagers on a landline in the 80s. It’s cute, it gives me tons of butterflies – and on the rare occassion we have phone sex, which is honestly, some of the best I’ve ever had. We will make it work, it will just take time. There is a lot of healing to be done after how much I hurt him last year.

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What are you doing this evening?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Heartbreak – A Vicious Cycle

Today’s prompt asks, “what am I feeling right now”? Ultimate Heartbreak is the best answer. I am in love with a man that loved me so much once, one that helped get over the loss of my husband, one who promised to love and take care of me, but who now gaslights me and breadcrumbs me with scraps like a dog. I can’t express the pain of what I feel – by not having the strength to let go of someone who longer loves me, who is left begging every night with emails and voicemails, only to go to sleep heartbroken with a pillow full of tears. He still calls me, and keeps in contact with me, but only at the bare minimum. When I say it’s like he treats me like a dog he’s giving scraps to, it’s not an exaggeration at all. Everyone says, “just block him and move on,” but don’t you think if it was that easy, I would have done it already?

I am too worthless to break free. Today I am going to Confession and tell Father that my heartbreak is taking me away from God. I know God has plans for me that I can’t see or understand, but I know He wouldn’t want me living my life this way. I spent so long in darkness when I lived in NY, and now to do a repeat of those dark years finally living on my own seems so sad and is no way to live. Why do I put my value and worth on what a man thinks of me or feels for me? Can I not learn to live alone and enjoy my freedom and independence?

It is noon on a Saturday, and I have a whole day ahead of me. My best friend usually spends his whole day watching TV, I am starting to learn something from him- I currently have been reminiscing with Xena: Warrior Princess and will probably read some of my Star Wars book later. You know, I don’t have pressure, I don’t have stress, all my needs are met, and I have a mom and dad that love me and sacrificed everything for me. Why can’t I just be grateful? Why did I let this man come into my life and destroy me in such a way? My ex-husband was so toxic and basically destroyed my life, and now I am headed down a similar path in all my self-destruction. I want to look back on this and remember that I have been given all the opportunities in the world to enjoy my life, but I choose to stay wallowing in pain.

I don’t want to live like this anymore.

This is my cry for help.

Please make it stop.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
How are you feeling right now?
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inspiredodyssey love

My First Crush, My Last Crush

It’s hard to remember my first crush exactly, but I do know that when I was young, I used to have fantasies about the guys on TV. There was Riker from Star Trek the Next Generation, there was Michael Knight from Knight Rider, there was Face from A-Team, even William Shatner as Captain Kirk himself, (who I finally got to meet at GalaxyCon last year, swoon even at 91! lol). I loved them so much, and used to act out scenes from shows with them, pretending I was their love interest, (I had quite the imagination for a 10-year-old, lol).

Over the years, my relationships evolved into some versions of the men I used to crush over on TV. I got to meet a real-life version of Riker, but a Mexican version which is even sexier. My latest love interest, who I am working my hardest to be with again, is my Mexican Riker. He’s got the eyes, the hair, and of course, swoon, the beard! That luxurious beard how could a girl not go crazy! I still send him all kinds of products for his beard, I do love that he takes good care of it.

But one of the things that I am remembering about my Mexican Riker, were the words he wrote to me once. He called me his “first love, his true love” and I am brought back to the days when he was head over heels in love with me. We fell into so much passion, it was electrifying. My days and nights were filled with him encompassing my entire being, feelings that I just never experienced that with anyone else. All those years growing up, wishing and wanting a deep true love – I finally got to experience it last year. These days it’s just really painful, and I miss him with everything in me because the relationship just isn’t the same anymore; it is a far cry from the deep love we used to share. I find myself wanting and needing so much, only to get stopped by a giant wall and the enormous space between us. What I would give to be able to tell him how I really feel. What I would give to hear how much he wanted me again. It’s stabbing me in my heart every day.

So is he my first crush? Technically, yes. I was in love with Riker as a child, now I am in love with Mexican Riker 30 years later – and what a tragic love story it is.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

A “You’ve Got Mail” Moment in Time

My favorite moments in time are when me and my ex used to send each other messages without knowing what each other looked like. I LOVED that time – I was so open to it, and I loved what he used to say and what we used to talk about. I remember all the wants and needs, and how we were just two people grasping for each other for that one moment in time.

I did suggest that he see the movie, or at least the book “Shop Around the Corner.” We did see it together later on, and that was at a time when everything was so explosive. It was definitely my “hottest” online relationship because we both exploded into each other several times a day. We cammed, we phoned, we enveloped each other. He became my everything, I became his. We fell in love so deeply; he pursued me so relentlessly. I didn’t think it was possible to love so much or as much I loved my husband, but he came and blew all of that out of the window.

It’s been a year since those days, and I find myself reading his old messages to me, longing for that moment in time. I ache for him, my body pulses with thoughts of him. I love him so much, and it’s become my daily obsession, and I am starting to feel ashamed of myself because he no longer feels the same way. Don’t get me wrong, his boundaries of just emailing once or twice a day have now escalated to 4-5 hour long phone conversations, but it’s not the same as that all-encompassing passion that we once had. I crave him so much, I dream of him at night, and I know he holds himself back because of all the damage I caused our relationship.

I know it’s not possible, and people say you shouldn’t regret the past, but I wish with everything in me that I didn’t hurt him the way I did last year.

Every day I feel like I am still being punished for it.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Opening Myself up to Love Again, the Last Risk I Took

When my husband was battling severe addiction and mental health issues, I had to make a decision. I had to leave him, and I didn’t know how. My parents had to step in, which they did so bravely, by putting him on a bus back to New York to his mom. I didn’t have the strength to do it – my marriage was rocky and crazy for so long, and I had just been incarcerated and homeless due to all the circumstances. I never would have gotten out of that if it wasn’t for my mom and dad to which whom I am eternally grateful.

But the big risk came just a few months later. I had been suffering a lot when my husband left – despite the rockiness and all the self-destructiveness, I still loved him and still yearned for him. I was on a mental health forum that I had been on for close to a decade, and just poured my heart out on there, making posts about my lack of sleep and all the crying I had been doing. A man messaged me on there, a really kind man, who only wished me good sleep. I had no idea what he looked like, or what his name was, but he made me feel really good – like someone in the world gave me comfort in my most brokenness.

After months of talking, I still hadn’t seen what this mystery man looked like – it was the longest I had ever gone without asking for a picture, but I didn’t think that it mattered because we were just friendly forum friends. Then one day, I sent him a picture, and he sent one back, and boy was I floored. He was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen, nothing that I had expected, heck, I didn’t even know what I expected, but it certainly wasn’t that. I fell in love instantly; after months of talking to this man, I finally got to see him, and I just wanted all of him – I wanted to talk to him, hear his voice, see him on cam, and see him in person, all in one shot, lol. When we finally got to the phone calls, it was so intense and was some of the best phone sex I ever had in my life, totally unexpected again. We eventually began dating, I don’t even know if it was online dating, because it was hours of phone, cam, everything, just all the time. I fell in love hard; it was the last big risk I ever took, and one that I am glad I did to this day.

Eventually, the honeymoon phase ended, and real life stepped in when my bipolar disorder took front seat, and a crazy manic episode ended up scaring him pretty badly. He felt unequipped to take care of me from so far away. I understood, and after months in the hospital, I finally landed back on Earth in a horrible depressive episode. Apparently, it’s normal for doctors to treat a manic patient by shooting them up with so many heavy drugs that it completely debilitates them, and that’s what happened to me. I was completely unfunctional for two months after months of being in the hospital. Suffice to say, 2025 turned out to be a rocky start.

Today, me and this guy are on speaking terms again, but just emails so far. There have been a few frequent phone calls with lots of phone sex, and conversation, but he is trying really hard to focus on what he needs to right now. Apparently, my manic episode sparked in him the inability to function in his life, where he needs to make his own choices for him and his kids. It was always a complicated situation, now it being ever more so with him trying to go to school to better his life. I am really proud of him and his decision, and even though my heart flutters every time I get an email or phone call, I have been focusing on myself a lot lately too. My baptism is tomorrow tonight at my Catholic church, and this is a really big step, being Muslim and entering into this world. This guy is Catholic and had been a huge influence in me learning about Catholicism, and a lot of my faith is wrapped up in my love for him. He’s not the reason I wanted to join the church, my calling started years before that, but knowing him and learning about what he knows, helped this journey a lot.

So right now, even though it can be painful because hours can go by without an email, and lonely nights turn into phone sex with a man I am head over heels for, things are just this way for now. Some of my friends approve, some don’t, but ultimately, I don’t want to let go. It was the risk I took, when I needed someone, and we are trying our best to stay in each other’s lives. I had tried to move on earlier in the year and failed miserably.

So how did it work out? Still a work in progress, lol.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
When is the last time you took a risk? How did it work out?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

The 5 EveryDay Things That Bring Me Happiness

Making my bed, taking a shower, (a must!), going for a walk or just going out, buying something for just me, (it could be very small for $1), and reaching out to friends, (companionship) – these are my happiness things for everyday living.

Reaching out to friends is huge for me, because I can’t stay isolated. The more I stay isolated, the more the “stinkin’ thinkin'” starts in my head. I need to connect to someone, listen to their problems, or just vent to them about what I am going through. I am fortunate enough to have my best friend, who I talk to every single night at the same time – we watch movies, shows and just talk and catch up about each other’s day. I also have been blessed with another good friend who is studying to be a therapist, so he has the best advice at how to handle things.

Going out for a walk or at least going out every day is also really important. It has become even more important since I have been dealing with my heartbreak, so I am not home pining for him. However, I stayed home today, and even though I wasn’t completely miserable, I was still checking my phone every 5 minutes for an email that doesn’t seem to come. Me and my ex have gotten closer over the past week or so – we’ve had sex 4 times, and at first, I had felt used by it, but after the other night, I have to realize that there is a bigger picture at work here. My ex has a lot he needs to do and accomplish; he is desperately trying to make a life for himself, and I am giving him the opportunity to work on himself and do just that. I can’t help that I am madly in love with him though, and he can’t resist the comfort of being with me. All I know is I am NO position to bring another man into this situation – he will get his heart broken, because I am still totally hung up on my ex. That’s why getting out every day has been critical to me keeping my sanity and not obsessing – these four walls close in really tight when you’re dealing with heartache.

Making my bed and taking a shower are two very essential things that bring me happiness. I think making my bed every day is a huge accomplishment – it makes me feel like I am ready for the day, and productive. Taking a shower is also another one like that – people don’t realize how important it is to take care of yourself and feel refreshed. I know in my depression; I used to skip days, and I would feel even worse about myself.

The final thing is buying something for myself, (even if it costs $1). I think that’s very important. I used to treat myself to a meal every day, but that got pricey, but if I get something small, maybe like a candy, just something to make me feel good that wasn’t a complete necessity, I will feel really good for the rest of the day.

I need to do these things every day to bring myself happiness, because I know I will drown in depression if I don’t. This thing with my ex is so difficult. He gives in to me some days, and then I don’t hear from him on others. I know this is what we both have to do – my path is leading me to God – the work I have to do is deeply involved in my community and my church, and by my ex doing this and taking care of his own life, I am able to focus on the things I need to do in mine. There are so many obstacles in both of our paths right now, but the two nights of passion I spent with him over the past two weeks proves how much we both still love and need each other. I can’t help being so in love with him, and he can’t help that his life needs fixing.

If I have to sacrifice being in love, then at least I can make myself feel happy every day.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What are 5 everyday things that bring you happiness?
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inspiredodyssey Life

Tropical Storm Debby and Finally Growing Up

So, as this storm barrels toward my new home state of North Carolina, I am learning a lot about what it’s like to finally grow up. I had experienced Hurricane Sandy in New York, and even though I was hunkering down scared in my basement, this new experience of living on my own as this deadly storm approaches, is seeming to be even scarier. There are so many things that are scary, so many more fears I have to deal with since my newfound independence, and I am just learning that it is all part of finally growing up without my parents. Of course, my mom and dad said I could definitely come over as Debby rolls in, but I am choosing to fight it out and do this on my own – besides I know this is just the beginning of hurricane season and there will be many more storms I will have to contend with.

The big factor in all of this is the Californian. I read an old post here: “Sacrificing Yourself to Make Someone Else Happy” and I realized how much has happened between now and then. I sacrificed so much of myself to make my ex-husband happy, I never realized what a real healthy relationship could be like. I have done so much growing up since that last relationship. The Californian is teaching me that there are men out there who don’t do drugs and alcohol and can be responsible and loving. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and as I look at old blogs and the journey I have gone on to finally find him, it is all so monumentally astonishing. I spent 15 years just combing the internet from a tiny room in my parent’s house, searching and searching for Mr. Right. So many online dates, so many dating apps and websites, so many hours in therapy talking about the same thing over and over again – “who’s the new guy today, Lynn?” “Oh you know, some guy I met on the internet,” – just endless conversations like this with my therapist at the time; If only he can see me now, and how far I’ve come – may he rest in peace.

If I could only see myself now from back then, and the adventure that finally led up to my lifelong dream of being on my own and living the life I have always prayed for. Who knew that all those days before therapy that I would go drink in my favorite restaurant, walk up the steps to sit in an empty church, and just pray for deliverance, for a man, for a future, for a purpose – that years later God would say – “you have to face 10 months of hardship in jail during COVID, 15 months in a homeless shelter getting clean, and then 9 months in a crazy sober living house with women who were calling 911 almost every night.” I mean Steve Harvey says an amazing truth – “if God told you what you had to go through to get what you have now, you would have been like nah, I’ll skip that part!” LOL – We all know that to be true. God won’t tell us or show us our path because it isn’t always easy, or we have to travel the more difficult road – but it has led me here finally, and I am entirely grateful, not at all regretful of the heartache and pain it took to get here.

Most of all, I would like to say this about my ex-husband – my heart and soul is with him today. Not only did he get beat up once in Hempstead, but TWICE, and the second time was worse, with two black eyes, a broken nose left with no shirt and shoes and couldn’t even get on the train to go home. The drugs have taken him, he can’t let go – and knowing that when we were running around in those streets of New York together that we never got hurt like that, makes me ache because I am not there to protect him anymore. Being raised in Brooklyn taught me what to look out for, and now that he’s all alone out there with his scattered mind and untreated schizophrenia scouring the streets for drugs, my heart is just breaking. But I can’t help him anymore, look where it led me. No, I have to grow up, and part of growing up is letting go. May God be with him today, as I say a little prayer for him as this storm looms closer to my town.

It’s time to face the storm, face the fear, and finally Let Go.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

A New York City Girl in California

Meeting my boyfriend was a total shock to my system because I was fresh out of my marriage with a broken heart and damaged soul. Leaving my husband was the hardest thing I ever had to do, and even to this day I still think of him. But God in all his Glory, has other things planned for me it seems. Bigger and better things.

This man is unlike any man I have ever met. I hate to say it this way, but he is a real grown-up with real responsibilities. He has two grown children, and one has severe depression that needs constant care. It has been a challenge, learning to adjust and be understanding, but the end goal and the rewards that I hope will come into fruition are beyond joys I could have ever imagined. This relationship has also given me the opportunity to travel to Los Angeles, a place I’ve always wanted to go and see. My boyfriend was born and raised there so I am granted with the “inside track,” so to speak, and I will get to see all the cool stuff outside the usual touristy rhetoric.

I think the trip will happen sometime in 2025. I will have to make sure to get my REAL ID too – I think the new rules go into effect in May of 2025. After that date, if you don’t have a REAL ID you can’t fly- your regular driver’s license or ID card will no longer be accepted by the TSA. Sounds like a money ploy to me of course, because you will have to pay for the new card even if you had already renewed your license – you don’t just get one by default. Typical, right?

I am excited. Being born and raised in NYC, I also know all the cool spots, so it will be nice to show my boyfriend around too. I know the MTA train system by heart so we can travel all over the city to all the cool places. I can’t wait to show him all of Manhattan, Brooklyn, The Bronx and Queens – and I don’t buy into the whole “danger” part of NYC either – I traveled those trains in the late 80s when bullets were literally flying all over, lol. The city will always be dangerous, and I’m sure the same thing can be said about Los Angeles.

Oh, and I also want to drop about 50 pounds, so I am not a whale on the flight, lol. Ugh, since my thyroid surgery my weight has moved in the total opposite direction. I definitely have some work to do. I am also thrilled about my probation being lifted to “unsupervised” now, so I don’t have to deal with any travel restrictions, drug tests, or any of the pain in the ass things I’ve had to endure over the past year. Did I mention I was thinking about my ex-husband? Yeah, when those thoughts come, I should really remind myself that it’s because of him I got arrested in the first place, AND all his charges got dropped and I have to carry mine for the rest of my life. So, no Ms. Inspiredodyssey – stop thinking about that man, lol, think about the future ahead with the new love of your life! Los Angeles here I come!

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What are your future travel plans?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Thyroid Surgery, More Harm than Good?

Bottom line, I should have never gotten this surgery. It cost me a 50-pound weight gain, where most people lose weight after they remove their thyroid. Of course, my luck caused me to blow up like a damn balloon. I needed it done though because I had a huge lump/mass in my neck, and I was so worried that it would become cancerous later on in life because cancer runs in my family. But the cost? Horrible self-esteem and a huge weight gain that I can’t seem to get rid of no matter what I do.

I have a huge resentment towards my mom for not going to a doctor at all when she was pregnant with me. No pre-natal care no nothing, and that was mostly my dad’s doing because he didn’t think she needed a doctor. Typical. That’s why when I was born, I was on a machine for the first six months of my life with a dislocated thyroid gland that ruined my metabolism for the rest of my life. I suppose it could have been worse though right?

A lot of this has me thinking about where I am today. This weight gain has become the epitome of my biggest woes. I hate everything about the way I look – and things like taking care of myself and getting around is so much harder because I am so much heavier. I worry about all these things as I get ready to embark on a trip to Los Angeles to see my boyfriend for the first time. As a native New Yorker it will be quite the experience, seeing the other “big city” on the other side of the country. I think it’s pretty cool he’s a local because he can show me all the cool stuff, just like I can show him if we do ever decide to travel to New York. But the real issue with me is traveling. I feel too fat to travel, as ridiculous as that sounds. But it’s not till October, so I am going to try my best to drop some of the weight. What is worse is my gym partner can’t afford the membership at the YMCA anymore, so I am stuck trying to do this on my own. Sure, she can spend ours scrolling through TikTok and buy all kinds of nonsense, but she can’t afford the gym. Whatever.

This has been a very cynical post, lol. But I am dripping in cynicism these days because I feel so horrible in my skin. Was the surgery worth it? I don’t know. It was a big thing in my neck that had to come out I suppose, but this weight gain has basically destroyed me, and I can’t seem to come to grips with it.

Will keep on trucking though, like I always do.

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
Have you ever had surgery? What for?
View all responses