inspiredodyssey daily prompt

The Rabbit Hole of Mental Health Hospitals

What comes to mind? My ex-husband. Right now, he’s in NUMC, one of the worst mental hospitals in New York. My mind goes back to a time where I was just as hopeless as him, where I was at the mercy of the mental health system, to where I am at now.

I have been considering tapering down on my meds, which is really risky, but I want to do it. I have been sleeping sound, (thanks to my CPAP machine), for over two years now, and I have come to a point where I believe I don’t need to be on such heavy drugs. A couple of friends of mine made some points to me, one being that I have been so stable the past two years, BECAUSE I have been taking my meds regularly, not in spite of them. One could argue, I never allowed to give myself a chance to be mentally fit because I was always drinking, or in my ex-husband’s case, taking drugs. But coming up on three years clean and sober, I can think of a different path for my life than the endless revolving door of the mental health system that I was subject to just five years ago.

It’s really easy to go down the rabbit hole of mental institutions, especially when drugs and alcohol are involved. My ex-husband keeps saying he doesn’t drink, so that makes him okay and not an addict, but a total crack binge for 4 days in the streets once a month is normal to him. I can only say that now we are in totally different worlds, where I left that whole path of self-destruction.

Was I saved? Was it God? I don’t know. My ex-husband believes in God, but I think the only God that saves him when he gets in trouble time and time again. For me, my path was laid before me after intense personal turmoil and torture – a cycle of in and out the hospitals that spanned well over a decade, and an addiction to alcohol that lasted close to a quarter of a century. Why was I spared? I don’t know the answer to that either – but one thing is for sure – the rabbit hole for me finally bottomed out and I am free and clear for a bright new future – single again, but definitely mentally sound.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
Jot down the first thing that comes to your mind.
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Moving on, New Guestroom!

This room took a lot of work and soul searching. I had let this back room sit for months with all of my husband’s stuff all over, looking at it every day and getting more and more depressed. Moving on has been really hard; I listened to “Green Eyes” by ColdPlay today and started bawling my eyes out because it’s a song he used to sing to me in jail to keep him going. I feel guilty that I used to keep him going. His mom tells me I am the only friend he has in the world, and it’s so hard for me to hear that because I had to walk away.

This process has been both painful and freeing. I have never felt so confident, and proud, and at the same time so sad. I loved this man with all my heart. I know he is so bad for me. He has been in the streets so much since he has been back in New York, (I sent him on a bus back there from my house months ago), and all he has done is gone down a path of self-destruction. He has no purpose, no direction, and all he can see are those drugs – those are his obsession, and as much as he wants to say he loves me – he loves them more.

But my second bedroom is finished, and I am moving on with my life. Now I have a place for my friends to stay over when they need to. I feel accomplished and like I’m moving in the right direction.

Cheers to moving on!

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Like a Phoenix, In Position to Finally Make a Difference

So, after a long period of time of not knowing what I wanted to do with my life, I am in a position to really make a difference in the next 10 years. All my experiences, all my success, everything I have been able to accomplish will finally come to light in the next decade. I have decided to finally work on my book this summer which is the prelude to the future career that I want to make for myself.

I have been doing a lot for the past 4 months, but I don’t have a real direction. I have been so obsessed with everything going on with my ex, that I haven’t concentrated at all on my myself. The last I heard he had shown back up at his mom’s house after a long drug binge that lasted four days and she sent him straight to the local psych ward to be evaluated. This is the third time this month this has happened, and after all this back and forth I can finally say I am finally able to break free. He hasn’t reached out to me, and I really hope he doesn’t because I have invested so much into him, I have neglected myself – hopefully, all of that is done now.

Anyway, I think it’s a scary venture, to really look at yourself and decide what you are going to do with the rest of your life. Living in darkness for so long in a bipolar haze has definitely clouded any hopes and dreams I could have possibly had for the future. I had also spent so long yearning so bad for any kind of relationship, that out of desperation I settled for the first man that gave me any kind of attention and breaking free has been an enormous feat. But also, being sober almost three years, (next week Saturday), and getting a good night’s sleep every night has impacted my mental health in a very positive way. It’s a story that needs to be told – a person that lost everything, her hopes, her dreams, her career, and most importantly her sanity at the tender age of 24 – to going through the mental health system for close to 20 years with a hospitalization every year during that time, to going to jail, being homeless, and finally bouncing back and having an amazing life through all of that.

I am literally like the Phoenix that arose out of such miserable ashes. My apartment, my job, my car, my family, my friends – all of the luxuries that I enjoy today, came to me by a lot of hard work, dedication and the Grace from God. I couldn’t have done this on my own – but to come through to a positive place after so many years of desolation is a beacon of hope to so many others that are still suffering. Like I mentioned, I feel my story needs to be told, and I want to accomplish that in the next 10 years.

I hope to also be able to open up a non-profit organization to help others who suffer from addiction and mental health issues. It is just a dream right now, but I honestly believe it can be a reality. I also want to let the many women out there know that there is hope, that they are beautiful, that they are worth it, and they don’t need to stay in a relationship that brings them pain. Matter of fact, that goes for both men and women because I know men suffer in those kinds of situations too. I hope to help as many people as I can in the upcoming years.

Cheers to the future! (with a non-alcoholic drink)

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Being More Kind to Myself – Day Three No-Contact

It is no mystery; I am the queen of beating myself up. Whether I am calling myself fat and ugly or just plain unworthy, I wish more and more I could be more kind to myself every day. I started making a video diary of my life and how I am dealing with this breakup with my husband. Today is day three of no-contact and he is still leaving me voicemails about how he is blocked and that he knows I don’t want to talk to him anymore. I am hoping this stops over time, but I may end up having to change my number all together.

The fact of the matter is this man has been part of my life a very long time. and this “bully” as my therapist calls it, finally got quiet when my husband was in my life. The things I would say to myself in the past, and the way I used to drown in my sorrows was directly related on whether or not I had a man in my life – and these days the absence of my husband has me feeling relieved and at the same time, empty and hollow of that validation he used to give me. And then that “bully” has come back in full force telling me all the horrible things I hate about myself, which by the way, friends have reminded me these are things I would never tell anyone else about themselves.

I am not ready to find anyone else, but I do want to get into the practice of loving myself more. I wish I could get into the habit of saying nice things to myself every day. Why is that so hard? I have 20 things on my gratitude list, can’t I see how God has blessed me in so many amazing ways? I have a friend who told me that his main goal is to be where I am at in life right now. That is an amazing compliment. Yes, I am not rich, but I have all my needs met. I am comfortable, with amazing friends and family and I need to stop getting hung up on this whole “weight” issue and what I look like on the outside because it wasn’t an issue at all when my husband was in my life. Why does it take someone or something external to make me feel good about myself?

That’s one of the main things I wish I could do more every day – just be more grateful and accepting of myself in my own skin.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What do you wish you could do more every day?
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inspiredodyssey Featured

I Learned the Quintessential Art and Practice of Gratitude

This seems like a beaten to death lesson, because everywhere you look, someone is saying the “attitude of gratitude” is the key to a happy life. But is it really? I have to say, YES. I have spent a very long time beating myself up, feeling the worst of the worst for my sinful nature, enveloped in my own sense of self. This self-serving way of living kept me locked in a box for 15 years – feeling so fat and ugly I couldn’t even function in society – well, jokes on me because I am 50 pounds heavier than I was then living the best life I could possibly live now! Who knew?

It all comes from the art of gratitude. It is, in essence an art. Today was a crazy day. It poured like crazy in my city and I was running around trying to get everything done. I had one of the most productive days of my life, but not once did I say a simple “thank you.” That’s my biggest mistake right there, and I am working hard at rectifying it. So, every day, I am skillfully homing in on my craft and recognizing how I can master this art.

I sent my husband away months ago and have been living the best life I can live on my own. The sense of independence is intoxicating, so much so that I don’t need any kind of substance to replicate the high of being on my own every day. My comfy bed, which used to be my nemesis because it used to beckon me at all hours of the day where I wasted away my life, is no longer an enemy, but a friend to be made pretty every morning so I can be welcomed at night. I make sure I make my bed in the morning now, so there is no chance I will find myself crawling back in it during the day. It’s little practices like that I have adapted which make me grateful for everything I have today.

I turn 44 this year. I was at a point in where I believed I needed to be married with a family so badly, that living on my own would be such a sad and lonely existence, but I think it was the unknown that I feared. This unknown territory is scary, (the lights went out for a few moments earlier this evening, and I panicked at being alone here in the dark), but again I am grateful the lights came back on and can practice at least ten more things I am thankful for before bed.

Gratitude is a state of being. Vibrations dictate that if you exude gratitude, positive things will come to you – that’s the most basic principle of the Law of Attraction which isn’t just some “woo woo” nonsense that I once thought it was. There is an art to this practice, that has to be done with care and love as if it is a child you are nurturing. You are nurturing your own psyche, telling the subconscious mind, (which is like a child), the most basic affirmations: “I am beautiful, I am a millionaire, I am happy” simple action statements which you confirm throughout the day with life’s little gifts. See affirmations don’t work if they are not confirmed. All you need is a speck of proof that these affirmations work by practicing the art of gratitude to make them a reality, or as close to reality as possible. The confirmation that I am a millionaire is the most basic. I am a millionaire because I live 30 minutes away from my loving parents and spent every Sunday with them. I am a millionaire because I have so many friends and people who love me when I never had a single friend all those years ago. I am a millionaire because I have no want or need, my bills are paid, I have a full fridge, and I wake up with no worry, not a single one. It may not be in “dollars”, but I am a millionaire, nonetheless.

I am a firm believer, (especially after reading some of my old blogs), that God has blessed me with the one thing I am the most grateful for: peace. All the weight I gained, all the bumps on my face, the clothes that don’t fit me, the guys that don’t look at me anymore, the empty bed, the scary nights when the power goes out, the nights of loneliness, all of that does not compare to the PEACE I have found. All those things are infinitesimal compared to the epitome of peace.

And how do you get that peace? Gratitude. Just that simple.

And that’s the last thing that I have learned, the most important lesson of my life.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What is the last thing you learned?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Serendipitous Post – Name a Phase in Life That Was Difficult to Let Go Of – I Bought JLO’s “This is Me Now” Tickets

I say this because I am going to the concert in the summer alone, which is scary considering the world we live in, but it won’t stop me from saying goodbye to an era by seeing an Icon in concert that I grew up with.

I saw Jennifer Lopez a lot when I lived in the Bronx in the mid-90s. I used to ride the 6 train to work from a station not too far away from Castle Hill Avene where she used to live. She was big in dance studios back then, always practicing, relentless at what she wanted in life. I wanted to be a dancer too, but let’s face it, my experience only came from Salsa and Bachata at half the Latin clubs in NYC with my fake ID. Who was I kidding?

I listened to “This is Me Now,” the single on her newest album in 10 years tonight, and I realized how much we actually have in common. My quest for love drove me most of my life. I ignored every red flag, throwing myself into failed relationship after failed relationship, because like JLO said, “they asked me what I wanted to be, and a woman in love is what I wanted to grow up to be.” I wanted love SO badly, absolutely every waking moment, that I pushed my dreams aside, my career aside, even my health aside for this quest of blissful matrimony I always wanted.

So, what’s the phase that I want to let go of? The “Love” phase of my life as I call it. It’s the time period between 2005-2019 – 15 years of unrelented searching, because honestly, those were such dark years. I looked up a past blog, and the things I wrote about were so heartbreaking, that I couldn’t imagine why or how I did that to myself. During this “Love” phase, I hurt so bad, I gave myself to men, I had no respect for myself, and when I FINALLY found someone to love me completely, he led me down a road of sex, drugs, addiction, and incarceration and crime. So much for happily ever after, with my loving husband.

Today, I realize that “Love” is just a state of mind. If you have it, more power to you, I’m happy for you. For me, it was an obsession. I used to agonize that I was too fat and ugly to ever find someone to love me, not only am I much FATTER now, but my husband loved me no matter what size I was, which is the way it should be.

Today, I have entered a new phase of life. I have put jail and rehab behind me, I even sent my husband back to New York to stay with his family, while I start a new life in another state. And I find it serendipitous that the daily prompt tonight is this topic, because tonight when I was scrolling through Facebook, I saw the ad for JLO’s upcoming concert in the summer. I was hesitant at first, I mean years ago I would have jumped on this opportunity, but like I mentioned, being in the city and going to a big concert like that alone might not be the best idea, but I think I owe to myself to close that era of my life by supporting the woman who I loved watching evolve over the years. Through her movies and music, I always saw JLO as a dreamer of love, much like myself. So, I am going to the city and renting a hotel room and spending a night celebrating myself. (I will be sure to check in with friends and family throughout the night, so don’t worry).

I am turning 44 this year, and for the first time in my life, I am completely independent with my own home, car, career, friends and family after spending 20 years stuck in a loop in hospitals of the mental health system, and incarceration for 10 months thereafter. From a life spiraling downward for so many years, to bouncing back and making a success out of it – I realize that the “Love” I had been pining for so long, was all I needed to give to myself and no one else.

So, at three years sober, I will say “Cheers” (with a mocktail), and here’s to clean living and a bright future, and that difficult phase of life that I had to say goodbye to. I earned my stripes with it, and I needed to go through it to be where I am today. So, with that let me say thank you as well.

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
Describe a phase in life that was difficult to say goodbye to.
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Avoiding the Closet

Where is the one place in the house that you avoid? For me it is the never-ending clutter of the back closet. I have shoved so much crap in there – old clothes, pictures, scrapbooks, everything that I have been trying to shove in the back corner of my life. However, my back closet has spilled over into an entire room of junk. I have no idea why I keep all this stuff or why I haven’t taken the time to clean it out.

The departure of my husband hasn’t helped the situation. I have completely avoided that back room and back closet because the whole thing is too hard to face. It’s becoming difficult because my entire home is clean and tidy except that one back room where I have now concluded is where I hide all my fears and pain that I am trying to avoid.

One of these days I am definitely going to have to face it. In the upcoming months, I will be shipping my husband’s clothes back to him in New York and will have to try and at least tidy up back there as well as tidy up my feelings. I have also concluded that these things are intertwined, and a lot of my avoidant behavior comes from the fact that I don’t like confrontation or even facing my fears or tackling them head on. So, the clutter in my life, (as the daily writing prompt suggests), is both physical as well as mental and will take a lot of hard work to address because my complacency has completely set in. I honestly don’t feel like dealing with it, I feel like hiding from it where it is safe and warm. How do I get myself out of it? Your guess is as good as mine.

Stay tuned.

Bloganuary writing prompt
Where can you reduce clutter in your life?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

I Hope People Say I am Kind

What a wonderful thought isn’t it? Or wouldn’t it be? I know it seems a bit generic, but I believe kindness goes a long way. People aren’t kind anymore at all. In New York, where I am originally from, it is eat or be eaten or basically who can step on one another first – I just never adapted to that or was that type of person.

This daily prompt invoked a thought of a song I used to sing when I was younger that I loved from the early 2000’s; it was called “If I Die Young.” As I think about what I hope people say about me, I also think about what they would say after I die. Would they say nice things? Will people who I have harmed in my addiction and bipolar sprees come back and say I was evil and mean? I try to be a kind person these days, learning a lot from the mistakes of my past. It has a lot to do with being in recovery and remembering to make amends every day. It’s about taking an inventory at night of the wrongs that I may have done during the day and hoping to make it right tomorrow.

We often don’t think about stealing a screw at a Home Depot stealing, or cutting someone off in traffic because we can as a wrongdoing, but it is. And I’m sorry but saying “please” and “thank you” and even “God Bless You” is so important as well. I don’t think people even hold doors open for each other anymore. I don’t know what the world is coming to, but I am going to remain kind and continue to pay it forward for as long as I am alive. I just hope that is what people are saying about me at least.

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
Tell us one thing you hope people say about you.
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inspiredodyssey Life

Regaining my Freedom

My life has gone through so many ups and downs this past year, but the most important thing that has happened is me regaining my independence. Between jail, rehab and sober living, I had been living in close quarters to a bunch of women for the better part of three years. It had been daunting; no privacy, constant bickering, and personality clashes that got the better of me. But as God saw fit, and despite horrible credit, an eviction and conviction on my record, I had been able to get gainful employment and secure an affordable place to live.

With almost three years of sobriety under my belt, I learned a lot about myself in my recovery. I built a strong network of women that I could count on, and I also became very active in the Raleigh community. Even though I am more than an hour away from there now, I still hold onto the values from where I ultimately came from. It’s been a long road from the floor of that jail cell, where I remember being at the lowest point in my life, but today, I am looking forward to a positive future with much more positive events to come.

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What positive events have taken place in your life over the past year?
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I Want to Remember This Day

So many things, and so many blogs later, I finally have a day I want to remember. Looking back on all those years of pain, I have come to a precipice where I can finally say I feel on top of the world. I just had the best sex of my life tonight, and maybe it’s the overwhelming dopamine that has me so high, but it’s also the placement of all the chess pieces that are finally in place.

Things aren’t easy. Some days are tougher than others and living with my husband after being alone for so long is definitely an adjustment. But nights like this I want to remember and look back on as the reason why we both put so much effort into our marriage after all we’ve been through.

I look into his eyes, and I see the overwhelming love for me.

His kiss still gives me chills even after all this time.

I have walked through Hell and back with him – Jails, Institutions and Death as they say in recovery, and he has been at the center of my mind the whole time.

I have experienced things with this man that I have never felt with anyone before in my life – I walked through madness with him by my side, and he accepted me with my flaws and all.

He allows me to be myself, no matter how critical I see my shortcomings and supports me in all my endeavors.

I never got to say my vows to him like I wanted to the first time around, so I will solve that here.

With you my love, I can accomplish anything.

You make me feel alive again, after so many years living in darkness.

I worship you as my King, because you deserve all the praise in the world.

I take your kisses with me in my sleep, because your tenderness and kindness fill my soul.

You amaze me every time we talk because I learn something new and more interesting all the time.

I promise to love you always, to be the woman you always wanted and the wife you always dreamed of.

I will honor, obey and give you my all – promising to never go to bed angry like your wise grandmother always said.

Most of all, I will always be kind because you deserve someone who will always be true to your heart.

And your heart I will guard, with the chambers of my own, so that when we die in each other’s arms it will be after the satisfaction of the amazing life we had together.

My one true love, my one and only soulmate.

I do.

Stay tuned.