inspiredodyssey Life

Tropical Storm Debby and Finally Growing Up

So, as this storm barrels toward my new home state of North Carolina, I am learning a lot about what it’s like to finally grow up. I had experienced Hurricane Sandy in New York, and even though I was hunkering down scared in my basement, this new experience of living on my own as this deadly storm approaches, is seeming to be even scarier. There are so many things that are scary, so many more fears I have to deal with since my newfound independence, and I am just learning that it is all part of finally growing up without my parents. Of course, my mom and dad said I could definitely come over as Debby rolls in, but I am choosing to fight it out and do this on my own – besides I know this is just the beginning of hurricane season and there will be many more storms I will have to contend with.

The big factor in all of this is the Californian. I read an old post here: “Sacrificing Yourself to Make Someone Else Happy” and I realized how much has happened between now and then. I sacrificed so much of myself to make my ex-husband happy, I never realized what a real healthy relationship could be like. I have done so much growing up since that last relationship. The Californian is teaching me that there are men out there who don’t do drugs and alcohol and can be responsible and loving. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and as I look at old blogs and the journey I have gone on to finally find him, it is all so monumentally astonishing. I spent 15 years just combing the internet from a tiny room in my parent’s house, searching and searching for Mr. Right. So many online dates, so many dating apps and websites, so many hours in therapy talking about the same thing over and over again – “who’s the new guy today, Lynn?” “Oh you know, some guy I met on the internet,” – just endless conversations like this with my therapist at the time; If only he can see me now, and how far I’ve come – may he rest in peace.

If I could only see myself now from back then, and the adventure that finally led up to my lifelong dream of being on my own and living the life I have always prayed for. Who knew that all those days before therapy that I would go drink in my favorite restaurant, walk up the steps to sit in an empty church, and just pray for deliverance, for a man, for a future, for a purpose – that years later God would say – “you have to face 10 months of hardship in jail during COVID, 15 months in a homeless shelter getting clean, and then 9 months in a crazy sober living house with women who were calling 911 almost every night.” I mean Steve Harvey says an amazing truth – “if God told you what you had to go through to get what you have now, you would have been like nah, I’ll skip that part!” LOL – We all know that to be true. God won’t tell us or show us our path because it isn’t always easy, or we have to travel the more difficult road – but it has led me here finally, and I am entirely grateful, not at all regretful of the heartache and pain it took to get here.

Most of all, I would like to say this about my ex-husband – my heart and soul is with him today. Not only did he get beat up once in Hempstead, but TWICE, and the second time was worse, with two black eyes, a broken nose left with no shirt and shoes and couldn’t even get on the train to go home. The drugs have taken him, he can’t let go – and knowing that when we were running around in those streets of New York together that we never got hurt like that, makes me ache because I am not there to protect him anymore. Being raised in Brooklyn taught me what to look out for, and now that he’s all alone out there with his scattered mind and untreated schizophrenia scouring the streets for drugs, my heart is just breaking. But I can’t help him anymore, look where it led me. No, I have to grow up, and part of growing up is letting go. May God be with him today, as I say a little prayer for him as this storm looms closer to my town.

It’s time to face the storm, face the fear, and finally Let Go.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Making Your Bed Every Morning Challenge – It Can Make Quite the Impact

It’s become a habitual thing, and you have NO IDEA what a difference it has made in my life. A morning routine is very important, and I didn’t realize how much being institutionalized for almost three years has changed me into having one. But you know, people say that it is the small things in life that make a big difference, and I think the simple of act of forcing myself to make my bed every morning has made a significant impact on my life.

Routines in recovery are important. Being almost four years sober, through the Grace of God, I have noticed that having a morning and evening routine has greatly impacted my overall well-being, as well as my mental health. Not only do I consider myself a recovered alcoholic, but I also consider myself a recovered bipolar too – much like Susana Kaysen was diagnosed at the end of “Girl Interrupted” – she was released from an institution as a recovered “Borderline.” A lot of this “recovered” status of mine has to do with regular routines, and systematic structure. My days and weeks are basically all planned out – I have set schedules for everything I do, which includes, work, volunteering, mom and dad visits, church, sponsorship, and my AA homegroup – throw in some randomness like last-minute shopping and adventures with friends, my life is pretty much set in structure. It’s really important to keep things like that going because it keeps you accountable, and it also doesn’t really allow the days of boredom and nothingness to set in where you can easily slip into a state of depression and isolation. Living alone is hard, and a lot of us can actually fall in on ourselves if we allow it.

I have determined that this simple act of making my bed every morning is the MOST important thing that brings me the most joy. In fact, if I forget or don’t have time to make it, it actually ends up bothering me for an entire day. I almost feel silly sometimes because I have a ton of pillows as a person living alone, (much like Ben Stiller in “Along Came Polly”), and I find myself taking a bunch of pillows on and off my bed every morning and every night when I am ready to sleep. But that’s not what matters the most – I think it is all psychological. Being able to walk back and forth from my bedroom and seeing a freshly made bed gives me an immense sense of joy because it represents a vision of order in my life which had previously been such chaos. Also, like I mentioned, being in jails, homeless shelters, rehab and sober living residences for a few years where we were all pretty much FORCED into having a neat bed for daily inspection, it became a mostly unconscious habit as well.

So yeah, I recommend testing yourself to this challenge of making your bed every morning if your life is in complete chaos and you’re trying to get yourself in somewhat some sense of order and routine. I think it’s the first step to some real-life stability. You will really notice the difference! I sure have.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
Describe one habit that brings you joy.
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

To be or Not to Be Typical – An Interesting Day

Today was my first real attempt at being someone’s sponsor. I had tried it before, but this time feels more real. My mind has been jumbled with all the emptiness and ungratefulness swirling around my brain as of late, and if being sober has taught me anything, my alcoholic mind is trying to trap me in all my complacency to take that first drink. So no, today wasn’t typical – I pushed myself out of my isolation and self-pity and decided to take the gift that God gave me and pass it on to the next suffering alcoholic.

Bipolar-wise, I am a little worried. I am actually screaming out these days, (I mean it in the absolute literal sense), like screaming “*UCK!!” at the top of my lungs when I am frustrated. I live alone so it isn’t an odd thing, but I have noticed that this screaming out obscenities out of frustration just started happening lately. I know it is directly linked to my sobriety and the fact that my usual go-to of going to a restaurant and sitting with a huge bottle of wine is no longer an option to deal with all my emotions. Having to deal with the volcanic hot-tempered Latin/Carribean blood on a daily basis is really starting to get to me, on a level like I’ve never felt before because there is no other outlet right now other than screaming, (which is probably not good for my neighbors).

My angsty-ness also is coming from my relationship. I do love my boyfriend very much, but his living situation is a sore spot for me. There is a lot going on in his life that he needs to fix, and sometimes it feels to me like he is not putting in the effort. I don’t think a lot of it is his fault mostly because he was never encouraged to ever pursue his dreams or make things happen for himself. Encouragement goes a long way for people, especially if you didn’t have a lot of it growing up – so in his case I am going to try and be more compassionate. Also, today is the 29th and there is a chance he may lose his benefits due to some paperwork technicality next month, and that is a real scare for the both of us.

So yeah, not a typical day. There is a lot up in the air right now, and a lot of things I need to figure out going forward. I took another $1000 out of my savings account to cover costs this month, but to be honest most of it was for Galaxy Con in Raleigh this year, and it was totally worth it. Just taking my picture with William Shatner and meeting one of the men I used to dream about growing up was such a thrill for me, and honestly, it’s not worth worrying about the money it took to enjoy that day. I may be way too fat in the picture, but you know what, it’s a memory I will always have.

Having my therapy session was also good today – I learned that my unfulfillment may be coming off of such an exciting weekend, and my life just pales in comparison. I feel fulfilled when I am around a lot of people, sharing stories and ideas – that’s why I enjoyed one of the Panel Room discussions “Ten Forward” so much at the convention. It was a real opportunity to talk Trek and geek out with fellow fans – I think I am missing that kind of camaraderie in my life. I am going to take advantage of all the clubs I joined at the convention too, so maybe I can enjoy more outings with fellow geeks and sci-fi peeps.

Anyway, also mailed my boyfriend’s gift box today too – I was shocked that it was $37 to ship at the Post Office – lesson learned that I need to start shipping UPS now. I sent him a bunch of stuff from the convention along with some cute Knick knacks and a card and a letter I wrote. I sent a letter and card to my ex-husband and his mom too – something that I didn’t think I was going to do. I didn’t respond to his last letter to me because I wanted to concentrate on my current relationship and not dig up past feelings, but I think he really needs my support right now. I changed my number, and I don’t want him to have it, so I am not going to call, but I felt I needed to send that letter of encouragement for him to try to at least get sober – it really hurt he got beat up by three guys outside of a bar last weekend. He doesn’t need a life like that, and oh, he could have had such a good life with me; I wanted to take care and be with him so badly, I loved him so much, but he chose the drugs over me again, and I just couldn’t do it anymore. I hope my letter helps a little, I know he doesn’t really have anyone on his side, and I always was. I still love him in so many ways and think of him all the time. It’s heartbreaking to me all the time, and I still cry when a song comes on the radio, but I guess that’s a wound that will take long to heal. In fact, I cried on the way home just today.

So yeah, not your typical day.

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
Was today typical?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

The Missing “Colors” of Life

Touch, smells, sounds just the presence of someone seems to be missing from modern society. The humanness of social interactions is so lost because there is so much we do from behind our screens.

I lived a long time behind a screen – probably close to 15 years to be exact. It was an endless circle of emptiness in relationships and most of all, friendships. As a society, I believe we have moved toward that lifestyle or that way of being, and it is so sad. I understand we live in a post-COVID world, but that doesn’t mean we have to abandon the sense of community which makes living so worth while.

I admit, I have an issue with my relationship now. It is long distance, so it is over the phone, video call, and mostly online communication. After escaping that online hell I had created for myself and left New York by going on a crazy adventure with my now ex-husband, I made up my mind that I would live in the “real” world and wouldn’t be stuck in the online world that modern society has deemed normal. I cultivate real relationships and friendships these days; I go out into the world and interact with my fellow humans on a daily basis, or as much as I can. I go to events alone if I have to, I start meetups on my NextDoor neighborhood app, and I am very active in my recovery community. Maybe being sober all this time and being what I call a “recovered bipolar” has helped me escape the cycle of depression that runs so rampant in the world today.

I will be honest; I miss the joy in life. There is so much joylessness in this society that my only wish is that actual joy would come back. Here is a perfect example:

What is the different between these two McDonald’s? Can you see it? Where is the color of life anymore? I went into a store the other day and couldn’t even find the 64 Crayola crayons either. Remember where there were 64 colors to create masterpieces with? Modern society has become so dull and bereft of life; I honestly believe it’s due to the lack of human connection.

So, what would I change? I would do a complete overhaul and bring life and color back into the world again – bring the HUMAN element back before we all end up actually looking like and being what AI represents.

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What would you change about modern society?
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Keeping Busy offline- The Key to a Happy Well-Being

In the internet age, people have become too complacent staying home behind a computer screen. Isn’t it a tragedy that most people don’t like going outside anymore? During post-COVID, more and more people are working from home, so simple interactions with three-dimensional people have become a thing of the past.

In my life, I got forced to go outside and live my life. I spent over 15 years in a cycle of eat, sleep, internet, and rinse and repeat. I had absolutely no idea of what it was like to have actual friends and what it was like to live a busy fun-filled life. My health and well-being were so damaged, and I had no idea how to change it – and with all the hospitalizations over the years, I just felt completely defeated. So, when I got the opportunity to finally change all that when I met my husband, I went for it. Needless to say, it ended up incredibly toxic and even more damaging, but it still led me to an adventure of a lifetime. #NOREGRETS.

These days, I have an incredibly full life. Even though I don’t live in the main city anymore, I still travel there a couple of days a week to catch up with all the events and the people that I know. During the week, I keep myself incredibly occupied as well. I admit that I find myself on the internet trolling chatrooms sometimes, but some habits do die hard, lol. But it is more a passing through attitude now, where it used to be an all day, everyday thing. But in my honest opinion, being offline for almost 3 years was the best thing to ever happen to me, and to maintain a healthy well-being is to stay offline as much as possible during the day. Reading a book, working out, go to an AA meeting, going to church, (even when it’s empty and just me finding peace), going to lunch with friends, walking around a bookstore or thrift shop, going to the library -these are all things that promotes a healthy well-being. Just being out in the world where you are out with people is the best medicine. I find it so sad when someone tells me they hate people – fellowship is the best part about being alive. We need people to elevate and promote our own healthy mental health. Maybe that’s just my opinion, I don’t know.

So, if you want good health and a balanced well-being, dump the computer, put down the phone, and GO OUTSIDE!!

Cheers to a good life! (with a non-alcoholic drink, well for me, anyway lol)

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What strategies do you use to maintain your health and well-being?
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inspiredodyssey Featured

I Value Security now, Rather than Adventure

Some would say hightailing it out of NYC to North Carolina on a whim, riding high and fast on pills, alcohol and cocaine an adventure – because when I turned 40 years old, something happened to my brain, quite literally. Suffice to say, it landed me in jail and then a homeless shelter/rehab for another 15 months and then getting placed in sober living for another long nine months before finally getting a place of my own. Since then, peace, and security, security being all I crave and am now seeking now in my life.

I would love more adventures with my new boyfriend, sure. But sober, boring adventures, lol. I would love to see places – go visit Roswell, see the sights of Los Angeles that I never have, show him NYC from the point of view from a true New Yorker, and just many, many more. But the only adventure I have known so far have been total self-destructive ones – my life in NYC was full of it. Full of mental institutions, one-night stands and all-around bad behavior. Sure, there were times in my teens and 20s when I ruled the club scene, when I danced and drank all night long, and experienced a night life that many wouldn’t in their lifetime, BUT it came at a big price – severe alcoholism and bipolar disorder.

So, you can say that I am seeking pure clean fun and security now. Just a nice boring life, lol. Sure, I can have fun sober, and since my boyfriend doesn’t drink or smoke, we could have nothing but late-night talks and plenty of sex while traveling the world. I suppose you could call that an adventure in itself, but to me that seems pretty tame than what I have been used to. I guess when you get to a certain age, (and you’re still on probation, lol), some things do seem more important than others.

Cheers to the future!

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
Are you seeking security or adventure?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Fall in New York City – Change on the Horizon

There is something to be said for the crisp air, the hustle and bustle of the city that never sleeps. All the bagel shops are open with steam coming out of the grates of the streets. Leaves of all different colors, shapes and sizes falling on the ground, and Central Park never looked more beautiful. I love Fall, especially since I have gotten to experience so much of it in New York City.

Fall in North Carolina will be a different experience for me. I have spent a lot of the last four years either in jail, rehab or institutions, so I will say this will be the first Fall season in my new place. I work in a candle shop, so I will have first pick of all the new Fall scents, all sorts of pumpkin spices and autumn leaves that will pass through there. I am so excited that we moved to a new location in Raleigh, one in which we will open up our new candle studio and I can teach candle making classes again – making my own candle scents is one of the simple pleasures I have gained since working there.

I do miss New York City on most days. There isn’t much in my small North Carolina town, and reminiscing on all the little shops and food places that New York City has to offer has been melancholic, but at the same time I love the peace and tranquility of my new home. The adventure with my ex-husband led me here, and as the season changes today to another summer ahead, with my 44th birthday on the horizon, I am thinking about how many changes have actually occured.

I didn’t expect to fall in love again, especially not so soon. Is it crazy that the sex is so incredible too? I mean lovemaking with my husband was definitely special, but this new sensation, well let’s just say now I know all about what Danielle Steele and Jackie Collins used to write about, lol. Wow, am I really showing my age now? I wonder what it will be like to be with him totally, living together, enjoying each other – I am also wondering if I am moving too fast because I worked really hard for my independence and I love living alone. It will be an adjustment for sure. I just know there is no other man like him. I just know he makes me feel well taken care of and loved and it’s all I could have ever asked for. The biggest thing is that he doesn’t drink or smoke, which is more important to me than I had realized. My sobriety of three years and counting is the key to all my success, and it’s important that I spend my time with someone who is in line with that.

But I digress.

I hope to take him to New York in the Fall and show him what it’s like there on my favorite season. Just having a nice light jacket on with some boots and jeans, walking the streets hand in hand and taking in all the sites would be heaven. He is from Los Angeles, and it’s interesting because I have never been there or experienced it the way he has. Introducing this Cali boy to my East Coast world has been a real treat, and I can say, since this all has been totally unexpected, I get to explore different facets of a relationship I never have before.

It should lead up to an amazing adventure in the Fall season that I love.

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What is your favorite season of year? Why?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Legacy – Rock Bottom Doesn’t Have to Break You

To me the legacy I want to leave is one about hope and ultimate triumph. There were so many rock bottoms in my life, I mean, there was rock bottom, ten feet of crap, pond scum, then me. That’s where I was and where I have been, especially when I was laying on the floor of a jail cell in late 2021.

I just want to say, stay positive. So cliche to say that, but it’s so true. We speak so much of our lives into existence. Yoda says, there is do or do not, there is no try – and I can’t tell you how true that is. If you say, “I am going to try to go out today, I am going to try and get a better job, or I am going to try to be a better partner,” 9 times out of 10 it will not come to pass. You are either going to DO it, or you Don’t.

So much of being in rock bottom, is a lot of our own making. Sure, there are outside circumstances that can put us there, but we don’t have to lay there and wallow in it. It’s like my therapist told me, “We aren’t going to talk about your past at all, we will focus on the present and how that relates how to build a better future.” Thank God I searched out a therapist that is an actual psychologist with a PhD and not one who just took an online course and is suddenly a “therapist.” Trust me people, it does make a difference. We spend so much of our lives rehashing the past over and over, that we just end up living in it and never moving forward. These kinds of ways of thinking are how I have broken out of the biggest rock bottoms of my life.

My legacy is my story, in the way it shows how I have overcome so much in such a short period of time. Rock bottom doesn’t have to break you, it can propel you, to heights and a life greater than one you can ever imagine.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What is the legacy you want to leave behind?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

I am the Living Embodiment Of “Freedom”

There is something to be said for being single and living on your own – away from the world, tucked away in your own universe. Some would say it’s lonely, but is it really? To be able to watch whatever you want on TV, freedom. To be able to go wherever you want, and be around whoever you want, to stay up as late as you want, pig out whenever you want, absolute freedom. There are so many more examples, but you get the idea.

Freedom to me, is the entire world being open to you – where there are no restrictions on you whatsoever. I wanted to be married more than anything else at one point in my life, but I really don’t think people realize exactly what it means to be married to someone, or even just living with someone. Your sacred safe place is yours and yours alone – where you get to come home after a long day’s work and face just all-encompassing peace and tranquility. A mentor of mine really overstepped the other day when she told a girl she was trying to help that I would put her up for a couple of months because she was going through domestic violence. I feel bad she’s going through that situation, but there is no way in hell I am opening my home to a total stranger after I worked so hard for my independence – especially for a couple of months. I mean am I wrong for thinking how crazy it is for someone else to offer someone MY place to stay? I really wanted to ask her why she didn’t offer up her own place, you know?

Anyway, sorry for sidetracking, we’re talking about freedom.

But wait a minute, isn’t that situation an example of freedom too? Being able to say “NO” is a form of freedom as well. Too many times we feel obligated to say “YES” to people when we really want to say no. As a matter of fact, the first words out of my mouth when she said she told the girl that she could stay with me for a couple of months were, “oh, no, I don’t think so.” She didn’t even ask me; she just straight up told the girl she could stay with me. Sorry, lol, it’s irking me more than it should. But I have the freedom to say “no” if I choose, and I absolutely did.

My freedom is the most precious thing in the world to me these days. I don’t think I will be able to be in a relationship for a very long time because of how much my freedom means to me. It’s not that anyone ever really told me what to do, but there are so many compromises I had to make that I just don’t want to make anymore. What if I want to talk to 5 guys at a time? Haha, I’m not, but I totally could if I wanted to. What if I want to take a trip across the whole world for a weekend – why not? I just love that I could. To me freedom to be absolutely carefree with no responsibilities other than those for myself, is such a gift, and it’s one of the things that God has blessed me with and has shown me what to appreciate.

And of course, the biggest freedom of all – not being dependent on a drug or substance anymore. I don’t think anyone realizes what freedom from addiction really means. People wonder why the people of AA or NA are so giving and kind, or even so helpful – because the FREEDOM is so amazing in itself, they just want to share it with as many people as possible. For me being sober for three years is the biggest example of freedom I could ever have. I just wish my ex-husband could have that too. He is still so deep in it and will be for a long time, because as of right now, going out “once a month and partying” seems to be his MO, and he doesn’t think it’s a big deal. But he isn’t free, he is still hooked, and being slave to that is a feeling I never want to have again.

And of course, finally, real freedom is being able to live here in America. A land that I love, that has given me so much opportunity. I never thought I would live in a world where I thought twice about actually saying that out loud, but I wouldn’t be true to myself if I didn’t mention how grateful I am to be here in the land of the free.

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What does freedom mean to you?
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inspiredodyssey Featured

So Many Risks, So Little Time

There are so many risks I don’t regret, it’s hard to just narrow it down to one. Life is risk, walking out your door is risk, but taking chances with your life is one you shouldn’t take – but one that I have many times over. Being in the mental health system for so long, and also using drugs with my husband, I found myself in various situations where I could have died – either shot dead by a drug dealer, overdosing by the wrong drug, or just crashing into another car because of all the reckless driving I did while high – all of those are risks I don’t regret because it reminds me of where I never want to be again, and it also, (if I am being morbidly honest), let me experience life in a way in which I actually got to “live on the edge.”

But for argument’s sake, the one risk I will NEVER regret, is the one I took when I left New York. I had just gotten furloughed from my job during COVID, and me and my husband decided on just a crazy whim to leave all our furniture on the street and pack up whatever we could fit in my car and head to North Carolina. Being separated from him now, I honestly romanticize that part the most because we embarked on a wild adventure together that would land us both in jail for a year, then him in a pysch hospital for another whole year, and me in a homeless shelter/rehab for 15 more months. We took a lot of risks in those years, just going back in forth in the justice system, boosting stuff from stores to feed our habit, and just living a Bonnie and Clyde fantasy existence. I want to say I regret all of that too, but again, it was an experience like no other that was the epitome of adventure compared to my previous long, boring existence.

That move to North Carolina was something I could have never done on my own – I needed someone, the catalyst, the inspiration that a writer would need to make that leap into a book, that muse that artists crave so bad, that push that only God can give sometimes. I always believed my husband was my greatest downfall, but he was my rescuer as well. I would have forever lived my life in a room in a corner of my parent’s house like I did for so many years, with no hope of ever moving out on my own or getting my own life. Have you ever been stuck in a rut that lasted years? That’s where I was before this move.

“Even though we are not together anymore, thank you Giovanni for giving me that gift of gumption, so I was able to go on that adventure with you – even though we are in separate places now, living different lives, (you chose a life still following drugs), I know now that the season you were here with me was to bring me to the place I needed to be.”

Today, I live on my own independently, three years happily sober, with my wonderful little place, nice car and decent job. I may be single again, but my ex will always hold a place in my heart as the man who I took the biggest risks of my life with – the most beneficial one being the move from New York to North Carolina.

Without risk, there is no reward, and I am living that reward today.

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
Describe a risk you took that you do not regret.
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