inspiredodyssey Life, love

When the Future Doesn’t Look as Bad as I Thought

Have you ever felt that you’ve been working so hard, and you aren’t getting anywhere? That life in this day and age is at a standstill? Eggs are $8.00. Bread is $6.00. I mean I never thought I would see this day.

It’s been 2 years since I have been free. Freedom is something we take for granted. I used to live in an internet world, typing my life away and living behind a screen. Then I was thrusted into real life. Falling headfirst into booze and drugs, I found myself facing the things that addicts and alcoholics face: jails, institutions and death. Even though I have cheated death so many times, I have faced jails and institutions the past two years and honestly, it feels good to taste freedom again.

I have watched my life in mirrors of destitution when it came to my parents. My dad’s anger and alcoholism led to heart attacks and diabetes. My mom’s negligence of her health led to cancer. And now for the first time in my life my parents are making plans for when they pass away.

It may seem like a sad and dismal prospect. But in my eyes, I see hope. My dad told me today that he wants to take my husband under his wing and teach him his construction business. He wants my husband to have a future which begins with him leaving him behind his leaving behind his legacy. This will give my husband the purpose he needs and the father figure which he has been desperately craving all his life. Most of all, it may well keep him out of trouble and focused.

I will soon have a place to live after my court case is over. I have support I never thought I had before. Two years ago, I was on the floor of a county jail thinking that my life was over. God showed up in a way that I wasn’t able to see at first. The miracle is about to happen and I’m ready.

Scratch that, every day is a miracle.

Be grateful, that’s my new mantra.

It’s something to prepare me for a life of humilty.

Keep coming back, it works if you work it.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Why I Still Struggle with My Outer Beauty

What does it feel like to look in the mirror in the morning and hate what you see? What does it feel like to think you’re the most disgusting person on the planet? This is me. No matter how much my husband tells me I’m beautiful I still suffer from low self-esteem that stems from within.

Where does this come from?

Why do we do this?

I think in recent years, it has become more acceptable for us to just hate yourselves. We aspire to reach these models of humans we see on tv and in videos, and not to mention all the crap that’s on social media. So, even though I have learned a lot of acceptance of myself over the years, I still struggle when I look in the mirror.

The fact is, I have never felt beautiful. Case in point, I tried to take a selfie today and was immediately disgusted with my picture that even the $179 I spent at Sephora couldn’t fix. And another case in point, lip gloss is now $40, what in the world is happening?

We live in a world where a billion-dollar rocket explodes, and everyone cheers. We live in a world calling yourself a “woman” can be offensive to someone. We live in a world where it is acceptable to beat yourself up for the sake of “appearances.”

I am frustrated with the world as well as myself.

I struggle with my outer beauty because everyone around me is more beautiful than me.

That’s the absolution that I have to accept.

Maybe one day I will feel differently,

God Willing.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Breaking Free

Has there ever been a defining moment in your life when you’ve felt relief beyond reproach? After two years of bondage, I am finally free. In two days, I will be moving out of the rehab/homeless shelter I have been living in for the past 13 months. Mind you, this is after 10 months of jail previously. It has been a harrowing two years to say the least.

I had never appreciated freedom before that. Being able to come and go as you please, spend your money how you want, even having relationships that weren’t “concerning” to others. I have been under a microscope for so long, I don’t even know what it’s going to be like to be on my own, but I welcome it.

My bipolar has been under control for the most part because I haven’t seen the inside of a hospital in a little over a year. I will be going back to speak at one the hospitals I was in, Triangle Springs in NC, tonight, to give back to those who need hope. Telling my story gives hope to so many others because after jail and rehab, I have a car, I am employable, mentally sound, and am looking forward to my own place. Well, an Oxford House with three other ladies, but at least it’s no homeless shelter with 80 other women.

I never realized that alcohol was my problem. I figured if I just took my meds I could keep my bipolar at bay, but mixing pills and drinks just made everything worse. I wonder how my life is going to be now. My husband is still in a psych ward awaiting his charges and I go to court in August to face mine. So much has happened since this nightmare unfolded and now I am finally moving on and breaking free.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

The chains are broken today.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Big Changes Ahead

How do you handle change? Is it nerve-racking and causes anxiety? Or are you genuinely excited? I am in the mix of both because I am moving. I have finally graduated from the rehab program I’m in and I am now in the process of transitioning out. March 4th will make a year I have been here, and I think it’s time that I go.

I am scared, nervous, and excited. I am venturing into a part of North Carolina that is rural where I am worried that my ethnic background could cause a stir. However, I feel that is all in my head because the members of my house have been very kind, welcoming, warm, and friendly.

I have been worried about the job front too. I don’t know if employers will overlook my arrest record, so I am hoping to wait till April 4th when I go to court and get my charges dropped to have those records expunged. I don’t think I will be able to find a decent job with how things are now, even though I did get lucky with that one employer in recovery who wanted to give me a chance, but ultimately didn’t.

So, here I go. 45 minutes away from where I’m at now, to the country. I am moving to a brand new house, so at least that’s a plus. Also, it is a Christian-based recovery home, so it will be the type of structure that I have been needing along my recovery and spiritual journey. Never would I have seen this as a possibility from the floor of that jail cell two years ago. I have come so far thanks to the Grace of God.

Wish me luck!

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

When Things Take a Turn for the Better

Has life changed dramatically for you? Or are you still in the same old routine dying for a change? Why does life seem to happen in extremes this way, is it all in God’s Plan? So, as some of you may know, I had been struggling this month trying to figure out what my next move will be. I am in this rehab getting ready to leave, and besides being tired all the damn time, I was having a hard time with my circumstances – the job search was going terribly and no one was willing to give me a chance because of my arrest record.

Then it happened.

The miracle.

My life has not been spiritual at all. I don’t pray, I don’t meditate, I am of the belief of science and never really had a spiritual path. I believe in something greater than myself, yes I do, but do I acknowledge that presence? Most of the time, the answer is no. Things happen in my life that change my views on science though. Certain situations make me understand how much power God really has, and what the term omnipotence really means.

My overall tiredness is caused by my lack of ability to fall asleep. I toss and turn for a while before I actually get some meaningful rest and it makes it hard to get up in the morning. I recently started listening to some spiritual guided meditations and prayers that put me under God’s blanket before I went to sleep each night, and let me tell you, the difference has been extraordinary!

Things turned around on the job front too. My interviews had been going badly because I would mention that I am homeless and I am getting over some hard times in North Carolina. Even being as vague as that has gotten the door shut on me, especially knowing my circumstances are much worse than all of that. During an interview yesterday, I was getting along really well with the interviewer and decided to open up about my recovery journey. It was a bold move, but I felt it was a risk I could take. Not only was he receptive, but he shared that he was in recovery too! We started talking about some of the local meetings, he asked about my sobriety time, and even told me a little about his recovery journey. What are the odds? Look at God! He even said, “interviews usually don’t go this way.” He also asked about my criminal background and when I was honest about my charges, he still asked for a second interview on Friday. I have never been more floored by the Power of God before than I was yesterday.

What I want to say is, (without being preachy), is just Believe. Whatever you’re going through, just know there is a turn around the corner ahead, and things do change for the better.

All it takes is a mustard seed size of faith to believe.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Not Enjoying the Moment – Living in the Past/Future

I am at a precipice. I keep worrying about things I have no control over. Do you guys do this? I try meditation, I try praying, but nothing is bringing me to The Present. I am locked in a state of future forecasting. I feel like I will never break free of it and it is bringing me down. And I am SO TIRED. So damn tired. My body and mind are exhausted. I slept almost 10 hours last night and I’m still tired! I went to my neurologist who ordered my Sleep Study, and she wanted to give me pills to help with sleepiness. Wasn’t the CPAP machine I am spending $20 a month on supposed to be doing that?

I don’t know, I don’t feel good. I am trapped in this rehab with all these rules that are stifling me. We are all on Building Restriction for the next two weeks, and I really wanted to see my mom and dad for President’s Day weekend. Also, I won’t be seeing my husband, which is paining my heart greatly. The rings his mom sent me are coming in the mail that weekend too; I really hope they don’t get lost or someone steals them – this is a homeless shelter after all.

I don’t have a lot of trust and I don’t have a lot of faith. I am faltering, falling off a mountain of my own making. I had all the freedom in the world two years ago and I threw it all away. God is punishing me and it doesn’t feel like I will ever be forgiven.

I am hopeless.

I am useless.

I am shattered.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Hollow to God

I pray, and I am Hollow.

I have a God-sized hole in my heart because you aren’t present.

I miss the way you were with me in jail because I felt you then, especially when you said, “Walk with Me,” and I did.

I don’t feel you in my life today; it feels empty and pointless.

My heart is Hollow, and my life is Hollow.

I wish I could talk to you and feel something, why is all this emptiness so consuming?

Recovery isn’t for me, I don’t get what they are preaching, and I am not buying what they are selling.

I read the Big Book, and I did the classes, but I just don’t belong.

I am going to leave out of this place an alcoholic, the same way I came in.

I have nothing but Fear in my Heart and it grows larger and larger every day.

I wish I could let you in, I wish I knew where to begin.

I am lost, I am Hollow.

I wish I knew You, I wish you knew Me.

Be my friend, my hands are open but my stubbornness holds me back.

This is a prayer and a groveling request.

Please come into my life, I need you, I am Hollow.

I am selfish and self-centered and that’s why you punish me constantly.

I am Hollow.

Please Find Me.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Lost Passion

I used to be a Vibrant Scripturient. Writing used to be my passion. The words used to flow like diamonds in the sky trickling down on the Earth during a twilight evening. I can’t find my grip, I can’t find my place. I am lost in an abyss of duty and responsibilities. Is it wrong that when I was a bum living in my parents’ house, my muse was ever-present in my life?

I am battling my demons in this rehab. I want to get out so bad, but where am I going really? To an Oxford House? Is that any better? I mean it will be more rules and I probably won’t get my own room. I will have to research it first. I want to get my court case over with so I can expunge all the unpleasantness attached to my name. My reputation is ruined, my credit is shot, and I’ve lost my drive when it comes to my words.

I am forever a future forecaster that can’t stay in the present – everyone at this rehab sees it. I can’t accept the day as it is, even though it’s a beautiful day outside with the sun shining brightly. My mind is a rollercoaster of unhappiness and I am in such fear of telling anyone because they will insist on a “meds evaluation.” I am bipolar so I am always up and down but I don’t want to be anyone’s experiment anymore.

I just want to be free.

I want to live.

I want to be happy again.

I want to be inspired so my passion comes back.

God, please help me.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

The Most Relaxing Day of My Life

Describe your most ideal day from begining to end.

On this day, I would do absolutely nothing but relax my mind, body, and soul. Easy peaceful music with a drive to the beach with a picnic basket in hand. It’s a bit chilly, so I would have a blanket and some coffee in a thermos with a nice large turkey sandwich so I can take a nap listening to the breaking waves.

I would then wake to my notebook, where I can write my thoughts down and reflect on an amazing day. I also won’t forget my daily meditation for my sobriety and prayers for the day as well. God is with me in all aspects of this peaceful day.

Ideally, my husband would be home by the time I got back, and we would enjoy a lovely dinner followed by a night of lovemaking before I lay my head down on the pillow.

My greatest accomplishment would be that I allowed myself to be at peace and in harmony with the world on this day, that I left my phone on my nightstand and didn’t look at it all. It also showed me how grateful I am to be alive to be able to enjoy a day like today.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Lemons into Lemonade

I am a rampant procrastinator. I have watched this whole day go by without accomplishing the things I set out to do today. I believe there us only one cure for this: self strength.

Self strength is a new concept I’ve thought about as being better than self reliance or self will, but more like something that’s got to come from within myself to win this battle over my laziness and procrastination. The truth of the matter is all I want to do is sleep, and that funk I’m in has become a daily thing. How do I get out of it? Self strength. Basically pulling myself up by my own hair and forcing me to get up and out of bed and do what I’m supposed to do.

Self strength will be my new mantra and how I can turn these lemons in my life to lemonade.

How do you find your self strength? I would love to know.

Stay tuned.