inspiredodyssey Life

Letting Go and Living the Life I Prayed For

I’ve done a lot of the “daily prompts” lately, so I thought I would change it up a bit. Being a recovered bipolar and now sober three and a half years, looking back on my life and where I am going now has been a beautiful thing. My boyfriend is absolutely amazing and is a man that I have always dreamed about being with. Not only is he heartbreakingly handsome, but he is one of the kindest, caring, smartest, calmest, and most responsible men I have ever met. There is a big issue with his daughter though; she suffers with severe mental illness and is the main reason why we can’t physically be together right now. However, I am taking the time to let the relationship progress, and despite a recent breakup, I’m hanging on tight. He is worth loving, and I am worth the happiness I have always wanted, so a little time and patience is all that is really needed.

I haven’t heard from my ex’s mom in a few weeks – the last time we spoke, she told me he had been sent back to a mental hospital for a fourth time in two months after several nights of using drugs in the street and going back and forth to the terrible neighborhood that he’s always known. It hasn’t been going well for him, he has gotten beat up pretty badly several times, and even lost the suit he was going to wear to our wedding – that broke my heart completely because I still have my wedding dress. I love him so much still – I have been thinking about him a lot lately, and as I am growing closer to God and my church, I am wondering if spiritually the Universe is trying to tell me something. I have been hearing “Green Eyes” by Coldplay a lot lately on my Pandora rotation, and not only does that song upset my boyfriend, but it would also upset him more to know that I cry and think about my ex every time it comes on. He sang that song to me when we were together, and he told me he used to sing that song to himself all the time in jail when he thought of me – during that time we were both incarcerated in the same detention center, and I was still holding on to a hope of a future with him, despite all the bad shit that had happened.

Since coming off of probation, and my ex receiving the last letter I sent, I think it’s time to let him go. I want him to find peace, and as I think about what I really feel, feelings of dread erupt in me, because I do not wish him death – but honestly, that’s his only way out right now. He runs to the streets every chance he gets; he is getting beat up so badly out there now and losing so much weight, he has become a ghost of the man I fell in love with all those years ago. He is going to get killed out there, and I often wonder if he does, indeed, have a death wish. I can only imagine what he’s feeling – last night I found myself in tears thinking of the nights that he laid next to me holding me tight and begging me never to leave him. I promised I never would, and as tears come in my eyes now, I feel like such a piece of crap for breaking that promise amidst all his suffering now. I wanted nothing more than to always take care of him, and as I battle the never-ending struggle with my weight, I realize that none of that ever mattered when I was with him – and that full acceptance of all that I am, came directly from his love for me. Now I know, you are all thinking, “you don’t need a man to justify who you are or your beauty,” but dammit it helps, and even though my boyfriend now loves me with everything in him, he hasn’t been with my physically every day like my ex was, so that fear of rejection is still ever present.

So today, as I live the life I have always prayed for, despite this whole weight issue, I think back on my ex and our life and how much I really needed him as much as he needed me. I would have never left New York, never left my parent’s house, and never gotten a life of my own and the independence I had always dreamed about. Today I have real-life friends who I actually spend time with, I am around REAL people, and I am off the internet and out in the real world as much as possible. I also have such a full life and the relationship with my parents and family that I have always wanted. Today, I get to show up and be relied upon, I am sober and proud, and on so little medication, I don’t even consider myself bipolar anymore, just recovered. From the years of the endless revolving door of the mental hospitals, the years of the drinking and drugging, the years of self-abuse, self-neglect, and self-destruction, I have finally come through to the other side, and tomorrow never looked brighter and fuller of opportunity. So, I think it’s time I put Giovanni away for good. I love him, but I have to move forward.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Tropical Storm Debby and Finally Growing Up

So, as this storm barrels toward my new home state of North Carolina, I am learning a lot about what it’s like to finally grow up. I had experienced Hurricane Sandy in New York, and even though I was hunkering down scared in my basement, this new experience of living on my own as this deadly storm approaches, is seeming to be even scarier. There are so many things that are scary, so many more fears I have to deal with since my newfound independence, and I am just learning that it is all part of finally growing up without my parents. Of course, my mom and dad said I could definitely come over as Debby rolls in, but I am choosing to fight it out and do this on my own – besides I know this is just the beginning of hurricane season and there will be many more storms I will have to contend with.

The big factor in all of this is the Californian. I read an old post here: “Sacrificing Yourself to Make Someone Else Happy” and I realized how much has happened between now and then. I sacrificed so much of myself to make my ex-husband happy, I never realized what a real healthy relationship could be like. I have done so much growing up since that last relationship. The Californian is teaching me that there are men out there who don’t do drugs and alcohol and can be responsible and loving. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and as I look at old blogs and the journey I have gone on to finally find him, it is all so monumentally astonishing. I spent 15 years just combing the internet from a tiny room in my parent’s house, searching and searching for Mr. Right. So many online dates, so many dating apps and websites, so many hours in therapy talking about the same thing over and over again – “who’s the new guy today, Lynn?” “Oh you know, some guy I met on the internet,” – just endless conversations like this with my therapist at the time; If only he can see me now, and how far I’ve come – may he rest in peace.

If I could only see myself now from back then, and the adventure that finally led up to my lifelong dream of being on my own and living the life I have always prayed for. Who knew that all those days before therapy that I would go drink in my favorite restaurant, walk up the steps to sit in an empty church, and just pray for deliverance, for a man, for a future, for a purpose – that years later God would say – “you have to face 10 months of hardship in jail during COVID, 15 months in a homeless shelter getting clean, and then 9 months in a crazy sober living house with women who were calling 911 almost every night.” I mean Steve Harvey says an amazing truth – “if God told you what you had to go through to get what you have now, you would have been like nah, I’ll skip that part!” LOL – We all know that to be true. God won’t tell us or show us our path because it isn’t always easy, or we have to travel the more difficult road – but it has led me here finally, and I am entirely grateful, not at all regretful of the heartache and pain it took to get here.

Most of all, I would like to say this about my ex-husband – my heart and soul is with him today. Not only did he get beat up once in Hempstead, but TWICE, and the second time was worse, with two black eyes, a broken nose left with no shirt and shoes and couldn’t even get on the train to go home. The drugs have taken him, he can’t let go – and knowing that when we were running around in those streets of New York together that we never got hurt like that, makes me ache because I am not there to protect him anymore. Being raised in Brooklyn taught me what to look out for, and now that he’s all alone out there with his scattered mind and untreated schizophrenia scouring the streets for drugs, my heart is just breaking. But I can’t help him anymore, look where it led me. No, I have to grow up, and part of growing up is letting go. May God be with him today, as I say a little prayer for him as this storm looms closer to my town.

It’s time to face the storm, face the fear, and finally Let Go.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt, Life

Celebrating A 100-Year-Old Aged Icon, Like Fine Wine

What a life! Never would I have imagined I would have gotten here. I have faced madness, jails, institutions and death so many times over. Yeah, sure, you’ve lived almost 20 years in darkness, but that was just the beginning of what was yet to come.

You have faced such tragedy, but thank you for becoming kinder to yourself in your later years.

Thanks to the memories you learned to create, realizing that sobriety was the ultimate key to peace of mind.

Thank you for always remembering the people who made a difference in your life – all the letters you wrote to them, and all your messages and phone calls made such a difference.

Thank you for letting yourself love Giovanni so much. He didn’t want to help himself in the end, but you were able to love with him with your whole heart and he helped you experience love that was so deep that it lasted a lifetime.

And most of all thank you God for allowing me to live this long. To see everything as it became real, to see the world change from the 1980’s till now. To experience life in the fast lane, the slow lane, the crazy lane, the lanes without lines have been priceless, thank you just thank you.

You lived a good life Lynn, there will never be another like you.

Love always,

Me

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
Write a letter to your 100-year-old self.
View all responses
inspiredodyssey Life

Regaining my Freedom

My life has gone through so many ups and downs this past year, but the most important thing that has happened is me regaining my independence. Between jail, rehab and sober living, I had been living in close quarters to a bunch of women for the better part of three years. It had been daunting; no privacy, constant bickering, and personality clashes that got the better of me. But as God saw fit, and despite horrible credit, an eviction and conviction on my record, I had been able to get gainful employment and secure an affordable place to live.

With almost three years of sobriety under my belt, I learned a lot about myself in my recovery. I built a strong network of women that I could count on, and I also became very active in the Raleigh community. Even though I am more than an hour away from there now, I still hold onto the values from where I ultimately came from. It’s been a long road from the floor of that jail cell, where I remember being at the lowest point in my life, but today, I am looking forward to a positive future with much more positive events to come.

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What positive events have taken place in your life over the past year?
View all responses
inspiredodyssey Life

When Life Shows You That You’re on the Right Track

So many times, we find so much to complain about. But thankfulness and being humble can lead to such a good life, if we just let things be. There is so much stimulation from so many devices and things even people, that we forget what it’s like to be still.

I have watched my life go up and down for the past three years like crazy. I watched myself brought to my knees at the floor of a jail cell, begging God for forgiveness and to help me through it. My mental health has been so fragile the past 20 years, I never knew when a switch would go off landing me in a manic episode and ultimately in a lot of trouble. That’s how I landed in jail in the first place. Not taking care of myself has always been my downfall, not because I didn’t want to, but I just wasn’t able to because I thought I knew everything.

That’s where humility comes in.

I am almost three years sober today, and I am still in disbelief of how much I have accomplished. My CPAP machine is a miracle, giving me the much-needed sleep I need to balance my mental health. The alcohol is completely gone from my life as well as the urges to drink out of the boredom I used to experience. My faith has never been stronger, and I am learning to let life show me the way and give up the control I was always so desperate to hold onto.

People say having gratitude lists and affirmations help you reprogram your mind – but I believe simple prayer helps that more. I am not religious, but I do have a strong faith. My faith was stronger in jail, but nowadays, even though I don’t rely on God as much as I used to, His presence is still clear and strong. My husband’s charges were dropped, and he will be coming home soon – something I am scared of because his addiction was much stronger than mine. But I believe if I let go and let God, things will turn out okay.

With a bad criminal record, eviction, and horrible credit, I never thought I would find a place to live. But I let go and took a chance and told my story to a nice landlord that’s willing to rent to me. I have a job in which I wasn’t asked to do a background check. I am beyond grateful for the blessings because of how the odds are stacked against me.

But my faith is ever strong. Life is so hard. I mean look at inflation, so many people are struggling, and I am thankful for having a good income despite being a felon. The world is in shambles, and everybody is just trying to survive. But I am doing more than surviving, I am letting life take the reins and letting go of the expectations and the assumptions that I used to have.

Just let go.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

No One Told me the Apocalypse was Going to be Slow and Expensive

It feels like a mountain to climb. Being tired is an everyday thing now, and my wallet is significantly smaller. Is there hope out there? Will it change soon?

So many things have happened over the past few months. I went to court and didn’t get a verdict I wanted, (do we ever though?), and I got saddled with a criminal record in which my corporate career is pretty much dead. I got probation, which is a blessing, but also a monumental pain in the ass. It left me thinking, if it’s hard for regular Americans, what about those of us with records or mental illness? Granted my bipolar has been manageable mostly because of my sleep apnea machine in which I get a good amount of rested sleep; who knew the key to stable mental health was good sleep hygiene? Well, I am sure doctors know, but I am living proof.

But now, with a record, how can I get a sustainable income in which I can survive Bidenomics? (I said I wasn’t going to make it political, but I had to throw that in). Things like the “end of the world” have been discussed a lot lately and even talk of the “rapture.” I wonder though, spiritually, what does all of this mean? We are so advanced in so many areas, but I feel like so many people are left behind. I am also from a generation where values used to be so honored, and I feel like as a society we don’t even have any morals anymore. That’s just me ranting on some things though, but I feel like so much of us are protesting this world in silence for fear of retaliation or just being destroyed for having a different opinion than someone else.

Today I am just holding on to whatever money I have and working a simple job as just a means to an end. I haven’t even figured out my living situation yet, because the Oxford House I live in is such a hassle to maintain because no one does their fair share. And besides, I am tired of living with so many women, 10 months in jail and almost 2 years in rehab, and now this sober living house, I am DONE! I just want a place for me and my husband to live the rest of our lives in peace. But how do you get a place with a criminal record and horrible credit? It feels like roadblock after roadblock, but I have to push forward. I am trying to bring myself to the mindset, “Living in the Now” as in one of my favorite books by Eckhart Tolle.

I was never religious, but honestly, God has been there for me more times than I can count. I wasn’t brought up to pray, and like most people I only pray when I need something, which is the worst thing you can do. Faith is something that takes practice I think, and in moments where I can feel God, I make it a point to say hello and at least have a conversation. It puts me at peace.

I have to place my hands in faith now more than ever since my diabetes is so out of control. I have a A1C of 12 and my sugar averages about 300 a day. My doctor started talking about gangrene and amputations and it immediately prompted me to make a major shift. But $122 at the grocery store for one person? I am almost feel like saying fuck it. But that’s not the logical thing to do. I am only 43 and I want to fix this mess before I get older. Also, I really need to lose weight, so might as well start.

Anyway, I know I haven’t written in a while, but that’s because I am mourning the loss of all the journals I’ve had, and don’t really appreciate the digital one. But I have to say, it did feel good to come back and see you guys!

I hope you all are having a lovely Sunday.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Who I am Now as Opposed to Who I was Then….

I recently came across an old blog from years ago and found myself looking into a backwards crystal ball – me wishing for so much in the future that has come to fruition, but not exactly what I was looking for. That’s God’s little sense of humor, isn’t it? The cornerstone of my wishes of my one and only heart’s desire was to find love, which had been my goal for close to a decade. Not only do I have that great love in my life today, but we are separated by the justice system. What I thought my life would look like, looks nothing like that mirror from the past that I was looking through into my future.

But the person, that hasn’t changed. I still feel the same insecurities, but I am more open to new experiences instead of being shut in as a recluse not leaving my home. Even though friends from the past have long moved on, those relationships don’t feel as pertinent as the once were.

This quest for love had consumed my whole life – since the days of when I was a teenager. I am having dreams of meeting my husband 20 years ago, as opposed to 3 years ago, because I feel like my life would have been much different if we met back then. I know I can’t go back and change the past, I can only work on my future, but I can’t help but feeling like my life is over with this court case.

Any future that I may have seen looks so much different – with horrible charges and an impending doom of a conviction, also with no hope of ever seeing my husband outside of an institution this year. But through the Grace of God, I am making it through. I have a job, I have a nice car, I live in a fairly nice house, I am over 2 years sober with no cravings for alcohol or drugs, my parents are still alive and extremely supportive, and I have friends today that I thought I would never have. My life has riches today that used to be completely bereft of any kind of love and companionship in past years. There is some truth to repeating a gratitude list in your head when you are feeling negative. People don’t have the worries I do, but I don’t have the worries other people do either. Maybe your life isn’t perfect, but at least you’re not facing a conviction. Maybe someone isn’t facing a conviction like me, but they don’t have their family like I do. Is that God’s way of balancing things out? I might be jealous of Jennifer Lopez in every way, but it took her till she was in her 50s to find the love of her life after four divorces. Sometimes, that’s just the way the hand is dealt. I have to keep my focus on the positive before I get stuck in another loop of desolation and self-pity that consumed my 20s and 30s.

The funniest thing is I always thought I was “fat and ugly” back then that’s why no one would love me. Well, I am about 40 pounds heavier now, and can look at myself in the mirror and take pictures and think I am beautiful today. My husband calls me gorgeous even though sometimes I can’t see it, and I find myself dressing up and taking care of myself a lot more than I ever have. Those little victories I am holding onto – maybe this conviction will hold me back, but I don’t think I should stop living life because of it.

After all, there is a lot of me I am proud of today, as opposed to how I was years ago.

Progress not perfection indeed.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt, Life

The Quintessential Necessities For a Good Life

There are some would say the basics: food, shelter, a good job and a significant other are what you need for a good life, but the most important thing is purpose. We can collect as many things as we like – that can include people, but without purpose all of it is meaningless.

I have spent a good part of my life trying figure out the important things that make up a good life and I’ve always fallen short because my purpose was always completely self-serving, never giving to anyone else. I have never seen outside my own selfishness of my existence before and now that I am in a position of giving back, a lot of that has changed.

People have their opinions of charity or service work, if you see someone asking for money the automatic thought sometimes is “they will just use substances or drink with it.” However, everyone has a story of where they’ve been and how they are just trying to survive.

A good life comes from satisfaction in your character every day, clearing out all the mess that you may have done in the day and owning up to your own shortcomings. Going to bed with a clear conscience is a powerful thing – because the burden we carry can only be lifted by our own repentance. Doing the right thing even when no one is looking is a daunting task but can easily enrich your life.

Today, I try to purge myself of that urge to steal a little, lie a little, because who would know right? I know, and eventually it weighs down on my soul. This world feels heavy with a lot of unaccountability, but I do know that there a lot of good people out there living really great lives and I just try to be one of them. This doesn’t mean I am really religious, and deep into AA because I am in recovery, but the principles I have learned through jail and rehab is that the behaviors that caused me to go out there and drink and use drugs was the same reason my life was ultimately destroyed. I have a chance now at a great career, but my charges have held me back, and it makes me realize that everything we do in life has consequences. So why not just do the right thing so the consequences are always positive?

Seems like a win-win to me.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

After 10 Months in Jail and 14 Months in Rehab, I finally Graduated the Program

Today I am a success. I am at a pivotal time in my life where I am not quite free yet, but I am a lot closer to it than I was at the start of this thing. I still have to go to court in August to face a judge, but everything looks good so far. I just wanted to say to anyone that’s reading, that whatever you may be going through, life is how you choose to make it. I am buried in debt, living in a sober living house, minimum wage job, and I don’t know how I am going to eat tomorrow. My husband is still locked up, I miss him terribly and I cry almost every night because of loneliness.

But besides all that, when the crying stops, the miracle happens. I close my eyes, and for the first time in my life, I have a conversation with God. There was this amazing book series that came out ten years ago called, “Conversations with God,” and mainly in it, it’s just the guy having a conversation with his higher power. God is what we make Him to be, who we know Him to be, and let Him take charge. I surrendered two years ago in that jail cell, and my own personal conversations with God have been emotional, empowering and overall – healing.

These days, despite some things are upsetting, and I still cry at the tragedy of my life, I am so grateful, and I do all I can to help others around me. Maybe if things aren’t the way I like it yet, at least I’m not in jail anymore or rehab. Life is what we make it, like I said.

I just know that this was my purpose. I had to go through this so that my story and my experiences can help others. The selflessness that came with sobriety is the most surprising thing that happened through all of this. I am a woman of action today. I don’t think, I do. I move my ass. I don’t lay in bed all day watching Netflix like I used to just 5 years ago. There is a huge difference in existing versus living, and I have been existing for 40 long years.

These days I live.

And I do, not think. Like Yoda said.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Blogger’s Block and Overcoming Overall Fear

So, I haven’t had one thought about what to write about, but I know I want to write something. This ever happen to you? I feel like there is so much in my life that I want to talk about and contribute to the world, but I am always coming up blank.

Every now and then, I would get a notification on my phone that someone new has liked one of my posts, and I’m like damn, well maybe I should write today. I think the best way for me to overcome my blogger’s block is to be free flowing. Just let the words come.

Last night was my graduation at the rehab where i spent the last 14 months of my life. Jesus, 14 months in rehab and 10 months in jail – this was two years of a complete nightmare. And it isn’t even over yet. I have to wait to face a judge. I am not in the clear yet. However, last night the room was electrifying, and I was surrounded by my family and friends as I gave an amazing speech.

My fears are creeping in though. What if I am on probation? What if I go back to jail because the judge isn’t satisfied? And what of my husband? Stuck for an entire year already at a psych hospital awaiting the outcome of his charges, everything feels so up in the air. I envy anyone who has their family and a roof over their heads. I live in this sober living house with all this drama and politics and I wish every day for my own space to breathe.

My biggest fear is that I will fall back into addiction. That if my husband comes out it will be on that path again. I just want to be happy; I just want to be free.

I hope God is hearing my prayers.

Stay Tuned.