inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Christmas in April

Anything to get me thinking about my favorite time of year is a nice welcome. Some people have a love/hate relationship with this holiday, but for me it’s always been my favorite. I have my fondest memories of my childhood at Christmas, like the time my parents’ car broke down in the snow and a nice man stopped and helped us, then hearing a bell ring and thinking “an angel got his wings” like in my favorite Christmas movie: “It’s a Wonderful Life” or when me and my husband spent our first Christmas together in a brand new state, with no money in our pocket, but holding each other on Christmas morning was more than enough.

Speaking of “It’s a Wonderful Life,” that became a Christmas tradition as well. I would watch it every year from 5 years old and onward, up till today. The lights, the cheer, the gift giving, all of it makes me feel bubbly inside. I think there is so much darkness in the world, but for one day a year it seems people come together with their families and friends and enjoy the cheer and hope the day brings. Children love it especially too.

Last year had a melancholic tone. My husband was in a psych hospital three hours away and I wasn’t taking his calls. I had gotten an IVC, (Involuntary Commitment Order) against him because he scared me really bad one night due to the fact that he stopped taking his meds. I remember the message he left me Christmas morning, wishing me a Happy Christmas, and that he loved me. That same day, I went to mass by myself, and stood in the pew and cried my eyes out the entire service. Thankfully, there were some kind people who offered their hugs in my time of sorrow. You would think that would ruin my views on Christmas, but it really didn’t. I remember coming home, having a quiet dinner and thanking God for my peace, and peace of mind. My husband was so deeply troubled he had brought me nothing but misery for a long time. It was my day of peace, and God had shown me the meaning of Grace – which was the greatest Christmas present than I could have ever hoped for.

So, this year, yes, I will be celebrating Christmas. My husband and I are no longer together, and I have cut off all contact with him, so he has no way to reach me ever again. Harsh as it was, it needed to get done. But this year, it will be filled with joy, fond memories, friends, family and of course, “It’s A wonderful Life” because after all, my life is truly wonderful just the way it is now.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What is your favorite holiday? Why is it your favorite?
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inspiredodyssey Featured

So Many Risks, So Little Time

There are so many risks I don’t regret, it’s hard to just narrow it down to one. Life is risk, walking out your door is risk, but taking chances with your life is one you shouldn’t take – but one that I have many times over. Being in the mental health system for so long, and also using drugs with my husband, I found myself in various situations where I could have died – either shot dead by a drug dealer, overdosing by the wrong drug, or just crashing into another car because of all the reckless driving I did while high – all of those are risks I don’t regret because it reminds me of where I never want to be again, and it also, (if I am being morbidly honest), let me experience life in a way in which I actually got to “live on the edge.”

But for argument’s sake, the one risk I will NEVER regret, is the one I took when I left New York. I had just gotten furloughed from my job during COVID, and me and my husband decided on just a crazy whim to leave all our furniture on the street and pack up whatever we could fit in my car and head to North Carolina. Being separated from him now, I honestly romanticize that part the most because we embarked on a wild adventure together that would land us both in jail for a year, then him in a pysch hospital for another whole year, and me in a homeless shelter/rehab for 15 more months. We took a lot of risks in those years, just going back in forth in the justice system, boosting stuff from stores to feed our habit, and just living a Bonnie and Clyde fantasy existence. I want to say I regret all of that too, but again, it was an experience like no other that was the epitome of adventure compared to my previous long, boring existence.

That move to North Carolina was something I could have never done on my own – I needed someone, the catalyst, the inspiration that a writer would need to make that leap into a book, that muse that artists crave so bad, that push that only God can give sometimes. I always believed my husband was my greatest downfall, but he was my rescuer as well. I would have forever lived my life in a room in a corner of my parent’s house like I did for so many years, with no hope of ever moving out on my own or getting my own life. Have you ever been stuck in a rut that lasted years? That’s where I was before this move.

“Even though we are not together anymore, thank you Giovanni for giving me that gift of gumption, so I was able to go on that adventure with you – even though we are in separate places now, living different lives, (you chose a life still following drugs), I know now that the season you were here with me was to bring me to the place I needed to be.”

Today, I live on my own independently, three years happily sober, with my wonderful little place, nice car and decent job. I may be single again, but my ex will always hold a place in my heart as the man who I took the biggest risks of my life with – the most beneficial one being the move from New York to North Carolina.

Without risk, there is no reward, and I am living that reward today.

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
Describe a risk you took that you do not regret.
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

The Rabbit Hole of Mental Health Hospitals

What comes to mind? My ex-husband. Right now, he’s in NUMC, one of the worst mental hospitals in New York. My mind goes back to a time where I was just as hopeless as him, where I was at the mercy of the mental health system, to where I am at now.

I have been considering tapering down on my meds, which is really risky, but I want to do it. I have been sleeping sound, (thanks to my CPAP machine), for over two years now, and I have come to a point where I believe I don’t need to be on such heavy drugs. A couple of friends of mine made some points to me, one being that I have been so stable the past two years, BECAUSE I have been taking my meds regularly, not in spite of them. One could argue, I never allowed to give myself a chance to be mentally fit because I was always drinking, or in my ex-husband’s case, taking drugs. But coming up on three years clean and sober, I can think of a different path for my life than the endless revolving door of the mental health system that I was subject to just five years ago.

It’s really easy to go down the rabbit hole of mental institutions, especially when drugs and alcohol are involved. My ex-husband keeps saying he doesn’t drink, so that makes him okay and not an addict, but a total crack binge for 4 days in the streets once a month is normal to him. I can only say that now we are in totally different worlds, where I left that whole path of self-destruction.

Was I saved? Was it God? I don’t know. My ex-husband believes in God, but I think the only God that saves him when he gets in trouble time and time again. For me, my path was laid before me after intense personal turmoil and torture – a cycle of in and out the hospitals that spanned well over a decade, and an addiction to alcohol that lasted close to a quarter of a century. Why was I spared? I don’t know the answer to that either – but one thing is for sure – the rabbit hole for me finally bottomed out and I am free and clear for a bright new future – single again, but definitely mentally sound.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
Jot down the first thing that comes to your mind.
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inspiredodyssey love

Moving on, New Guestroom!

This room took a lot of work and soul searching. I had let this back room sit for months with all of my husband’s stuff all over, looking at it every day and getting more and more depressed. Moving on has been really hard; I listened to “Green Eyes” by ColdPlay today and started bawling my eyes out because it’s a song he used to sing to me in jail to keep him going. I feel guilty that I used to keep him going. His mom tells me I am the only friend he has in the world, and it’s so hard for me to hear that because I had to walk away.

This process has been both painful and freeing. I have never felt so confident, and proud, and at the same time so sad. I loved this man with all my heart. I know he is so bad for me. He has been in the streets so much since he has been back in New York, (I sent him on a bus back there from my house months ago), and all he has done is gone down a path of self-destruction. He has no purpose, no direction, and all he can see are those drugs – those are his obsession, and as much as he wants to say he loves me – he loves them more.

But my second bedroom is finished, and I am moving on with my life. Now I have a place for my friends to stay over when they need to. I feel accomplished and like I’m moving in the right direction.

Cheers to moving on!

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Like a Phoenix, In Position to Finally Make a Difference

So, after a long period of time of not knowing what I wanted to do with my life, I am in a position to really make a difference in the next 10 years. All my experiences, all my success, everything I have been able to accomplish will finally come to light in the next decade. I have decided to finally work on my book this summer which is the prelude to the future career that I want to make for myself.

I have been doing a lot for the past 4 months, but I don’t have a real direction. I have been so obsessed with everything going on with my ex, that I haven’t concentrated at all on my myself. The last I heard he had shown back up at his mom’s house after a long drug binge that lasted four days and she sent him straight to the local psych ward to be evaluated. This is the third time this month this has happened, and after all this back and forth I can finally say I am finally able to break free. He hasn’t reached out to me, and I really hope he doesn’t because I have invested so much into him, I have neglected myself – hopefully, all of that is done now.

Anyway, I think it’s a scary venture, to really look at yourself and decide what you are going to do with the rest of your life. Living in darkness for so long in a bipolar haze has definitely clouded any hopes and dreams I could have possibly had for the future. I had also spent so long yearning so bad for any kind of relationship, that out of desperation I settled for the first man that gave me any kind of attention and breaking free has been an enormous feat. But also, being sober almost three years, (next week Saturday), and getting a good night’s sleep every night has impacted my mental health in a very positive way. It’s a story that needs to be told – a person that lost everything, her hopes, her dreams, her career, and most importantly her sanity at the tender age of 24 – to going through the mental health system for close to 20 years with a hospitalization every year during that time, to going to jail, being homeless, and finally bouncing back and having an amazing life through all of that.

I am literally like the Phoenix that arose out of such miserable ashes. My apartment, my job, my car, my family, my friends – all of the luxuries that I enjoy today, came to me by a lot of hard work, dedication and the Grace from God. I couldn’t have done this on my own – but to come through to a positive place after so many years of desolation is a beacon of hope to so many others that are still suffering. Like I mentioned, I feel my story needs to be told, and I want to accomplish that in the next 10 years.

I hope to also be able to open up a non-profit organization to help others who suffer from addiction and mental health issues. It is just a dream right now, but I honestly believe it can be a reality. I also want to let the many women out there know that there is hope, that they are beautiful, that they are worth it, and they don’t need to stay in a relationship that brings them pain. Matter of fact, that goes for both men and women because I know men suffer in those kinds of situations too. I hope to help as many people as I can in the upcoming years.

Cheers to the future! (with a non-alcoholic drink)

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Conquering Addiction

The biggest positive change in my life has been my success over addiction. No drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, vapes, even coffee, porn, video games and sweets. How did I do this? I would like to say it was just will power, but it was substitution. I found things in my life I loved to do – whether it be writing, hanging out with friends, or just being lazy and watching TV all day.

The success that I feel is really over alcohol. That was the main one. I will be three years sober in three weeks, and even though I am still early in sobriety, I feel accomplished. I had spent so many years at the bottom of the bottle, that it took 10 months in a dirty county jail during COVID, 15 months in rehab and another 9 months in sober living, for me to finally “get it.” But I noticed that when I started really living again, that all the other habits that are addicting left me too. The other big one was porn. I had a porn addiction for the longest time, but with going to church every Sunday and finding real faith, that addiction left me too.

Look, I am not going to preach to you about God, but there is some truth to overcoming addictions through your higher power. You have to search deep within yourself to find Him and ask every day for the freedom from the thing that traps you in a vicious cycle. Finding my faith is the biggest advocate to me breaking the chains of so many addictions. Living a clean life isn’t boring either, I actually FEEL more in my life than I ever have before. I spent so many years being numb and high, I didn’t even know what it was like to feel real feelings.

I am the point in my life where I feel also feel kind of guilty for where I’m at too. My husband is out there in the streets tonight doing drugs and has been missing for two days, since the eclipse. It has been the hardest breakup I have ever had to endure, especially when I want so badly to help him and be a part of a loving marriage again. He loves his drugs more than me though, something that I have had to accept. I have also had to accept that even though I beat most of the common addictions, I am still addicted to his love that’s why every time I say I’m done, I end up breaking down and calling him. Being loved is the hardest addiction to let go of, but I think I am finally over this one too. I changed my number today, and I think I’m finally done.

It has taken a lot of strength and growth to get to this point, and it isn’t for the faint of heart. Some might find me cold-hearted or even robotic, but I assure you I am more emotional than you know- I just channel it in different ways now. I hope wherever you are you find your peace, just like I wish for my husband. But for now, I can say I am free from addiction.

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
Describe one positive change you have made in your life.
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