Some would say hightailing it out of NYC to North Carolina on a whim, riding high and fast on pills, alcohol and cocaine an adventure – because when I turned 40 years old, something happened to my brain, quite literally. Suffice to say, it landed me in jail and then a homeless shelter/rehab for another 15 months and then getting placed in sober living for another long nine months before finally getting a place of my own. Since then, peace, and security, security being all I crave and am now seeking now in my life.
I would love more adventures with my new boyfriend, sure. But sober, boring adventures, lol. I would love to see places – go visit Roswell, see the sights of Los Angeles that I never have, show him NYC from the point of view from a true New Yorker, and just many, many more. But the only adventure I have known so far have been total self-destructive ones – my life in NYC was full of it. Full of mental institutions, one-night stands and all-around bad behavior. Sure, there were times in my teens and 20s when I ruled the club scene, when I danced and drank all night long, and experienced a night life that many wouldn’t in their lifetime, BUT it came at a big price – severe alcoholism and bipolar disorder.
So, you can say that I am seeking pure clean fun and security now. Just a nice boring life, lol. Sure, I can have fun sober, and since my boyfriend doesn’t drink or smoke, we could have nothing but late-night talks and plenty of sex while traveling the world. I suppose you could call that an adventure in itself, but to me that seems pretty tame than what I have been used to. I guess when you get to a certain age, (and you’re still on probation, lol), some things do seem more important than others.
Bottom line, I should have never gotten this surgery. It cost me a 50-pound weight gain, where most people lose weight after they remove their thyroid. Of course, my luck caused me to blow up like a damn balloon. I needed it done though because I had a huge lump/mass in my neck, and I was so worried that it would become cancerous later on in life because cancer runs in my family. But the cost? Horrible self-esteem and a huge weight gain that I can’t seem to get rid of no matter what I do.
I have a huge resentment towards my mom for not going to a doctor at all when she was pregnant with me. No pre-natal care no nothing, and that was mostly my dad’s doing because he didn’t think she needed a doctor. Typical. That’s why when I was born, I was on a machine for the first six months of my life with a dislocated thyroid gland that ruined my metabolism for the rest of my life. I suppose it could have been worse though right?
A lot of this has me thinking about where I am today. This weight gain has become the epitome of my biggest woes. I hate everything about the way I look – and things like taking care of myself and getting around is so much harder because I am so much heavier. I worry about all these things as I get ready to embark on a trip to Los Angeles to see my boyfriend for the first time. As a native New Yorker it will be quite the experience, seeing the other “big city” on the other side of the country. I think it’s pretty cool he’s a local because he can show me all the cool stuff, just like I can show him if we do ever decide to travel to New York. But the real issue with me is traveling. I feel too fat to travel, as ridiculous as that sounds. But it’s not till October, so I am going to try my best to drop some of the weight. What is worse is my gym partner can’t afford the membership at the YMCA anymore, so I am stuck trying to do this on my own. Sure, she can spend ours scrolling through TikTok and buy all kinds of nonsense, but she can’t afford the gym. Whatever.
This has been a very cynical post, lol. But I am dripping in cynicism these days because I feel so horrible in my skin. Was the surgery worth it? I don’t know. It was a big thing in my neck that had to come out I suppose, but this weight gain has basically destroyed me, and I can’t seem to come to grips with it.
There is something to be said for the crisp air, the hustle and bustle of the city that never sleeps. All the bagel shops are open with steam coming out of the grates of the streets. Leaves of all different colors, shapes and sizes falling on the ground, and Central Park never looked more beautiful. I love Fall, especially since I have gotten to experience so much of it in New York City.
Fall in North Carolina will be a different experience for me. I have spent a lot of the last four years either in jail, rehab or institutions, so I will say this will be the first Fall season in my new place. I work in a candle shop, so I will have first pick of all the new Fall scents, all sorts of pumpkin spices and autumn leaves that will pass through there. I am so excited that we moved to a new location in Raleigh, one in which we will open up our new candle studio and I can teach candle making classes again – making my own candle scents is one of the simple pleasures I have gained since working there.
I do miss New York City on most days. There isn’t much in my small North Carolina town, and reminiscing on all the little shops and food places that New York City has to offer has been melancholic, but at the same time I love the peace and tranquility of my new home. The adventure with my ex-husband led me here, and as the season changes today to another summer ahead, with my 44th birthday on the horizon, I am thinking about how many changes have actually occured.
I didn’t expect to fall in love again, especially not so soon. Is it crazy that the sex is so incredible too? I mean lovemaking with my husband was definitely special, but this new sensation, well let’s just say now I know all about what Danielle Steele and Jackie Collins used to write about, lol. Wow, am I really showing my age now? I wonder what it will be like to be with him totally, living together, enjoying each other – I am also wondering if I am moving too fast because I worked really hard for my independence and I love living alone. It will be an adjustment for sure. I just know there is no other man like him. I just know he makes me feel well taken care of and loved and it’s all I could have ever asked for. The biggest thing is that he doesn’t drink or smoke, which is more important to me than I had realized. My sobriety of three years and counting is the key to all my success, and it’s important that I spend my time with someone who is in line with that.
But I digress.
I hope to take him to New York in the Fall and show him what it’s like there on my favorite season. Just having a nice light jacket on with some boots and jeans, walking the streets hand in hand and taking in all the sites would be heaven. He is from Los Angeles, and it’s interesting because I have never been there or experienced it the way he has. Introducing this Cali boy to my East Coast world has been a real treat, and I can say, since this all has been totally unexpected, I get to explore different facets of a relationship I never have before.
It should lead up to an amazing adventure in the Fall season that I love.
To me the legacy I want to leave is one about hope and ultimate triumph. There were so many rock bottoms in my life, I mean, there was rock bottom, ten feet of crap, pond scum, then me. That’s where I was and where I have been, especially when I was laying on the floor of a jail cell in late 2021.
I just want to say, stay positive. So cliche to say that, but it’s so true. We speak so much of our lives into existence. Yoda says, there is do or do not, there is no try – and I can’t tell you how true that is. If you say, “I am going to try to go out today, I am going to try and get a better job, or I am going to try to be a better partner,” 9 times out of 10 it will not come to pass. You are either going to DO it, or you Don’t.
So much of being in rock bottom, is a lot of our own making. Sure, there are outside circumstances that can put us there, but we don’t have to lay there and wallow in it. It’s like my therapist told me, “We aren’t going to talk about your past at all, we will focus on the present and how that relates how to build a better future.” Thank God I searched out a therapist that is an actual psychologist with a PhD and not one who just took an online course and is suddenly a “therapist.” Trust me people, it does make a difference. We spend so much of our lives rehashing the past over and over, that we just end up living in it and never moving forward. These kinds of ways of thinking are how I have broken out of the biggest rock bottoms of my life.
My legacy is my story, in the way it shows how I have overcome so much in such a short period of time. Rock bottom doesn’t have to break you, it can propel you, to heights and a life greater than one you can ever imagine.
It’s the one thing you NEVER are supposed to do -and the main thing that I did in my marriage. Sometimes when we are in relationships, we want to do everything for the other person, sacrificing who we are and all our wants and dreams for the happiness of someone else.
It’s the biggest mistake and greatest sacrifice I have ever made, and one of the biggest regrets of my life.
Another sacrifice was that I gave up my friends. My husband was so jealous of any relationship I had outside of ours, whether it was just friendships with men or women. I wanted to be married so bad, and I wanted to be showered by his love so much, that I didn’t care that I had to give those important people up, even though it was very hurtful because I missed them so much. One piece of advice I would give to anyone in a relationship is NEVER give up your friends, you have no idea how much you need them. And what was so hypocritical of me at the time was that I always hated how women used to ditch their friends when they got into a relationship, and I ended up doing the same thing. Lesson learned so remember, don’t throw stones in glass houses.
As I enter into this new world of freedom, now that me and my husband are no longer together, I am very adamant of what I want in the next relationship. All I know is that I will never sacrifice my freedom again, or who I am as a person. I had lost so much of myself in that marriage, and I didn’t even realize that I don’t even know who I am anymore. But being able to discover who I am again, is not a bad thing, it’s just that I didn’t know of how lost I was all those years.
Now, I am happy to report that it’s been six months since my husband has left and I am just now feeling feelings again. Most of it has to do with this very small budding romance that I have going with a very special friend. He has been so supportive during this whole process, and now that it is evolving into something more, I am taking my time and enjoying it for what it is. There is no definite plan and that’s the most beautiful part about it.
There is something to be said for being single and living on your own – away from the world, tucked away in your own universe. Some would say it’s lonely, but is it really? To be able to watch whatever you want on TV, freedom. To be able to go wherever you want, and be around whoever you want, to stay up as late as you want, pig out whenever you want, absolute freedom. There are so many more examples, but you get the idea.
Freedom to me, is the entire world being open to you – where there are no restrictions on you whatsoever. I wanted to be married more than anything else at one point in my life, but I really don’t think people realize exactly what it means to be married to someone, or even just living with someone. Your sacred safe place is yours and yours alone – where you get to come home after a long day’s work and face just all-encompassing peace and tranquility. A mentor of mine really overstepped the other day when she told a girl she was trying to help that I would put her up for a couple of months because she was going through domestic violence. I feel bad she’s going through that situation, but there is no way in hell I am opening my home to a total stranger after I worked so hard for my independence – especially for a couple of months. I mean am I wrong for thinking how crazy it is for someone else to offer someone MY place to stay? I really wanted to ask her why she didn’t offer up her own place, you know?
Anyway, sorry for sidetracking, we’re talking about freedom.
But wait a minute, isn’t that situation an example of freedom too? Being able to say “NO” is a form of freedom as well. Too many times we feel obligated to say “YES” to people when we really want to say no. As a matter of fact, the first words out of my mouth when she said she told the girl that she could stay with me for a couple of months were, “oh, no, I don’t think so.” She didn’t even ask me; she just straight up told the girl she could stay with me. Sorry, lol, it’s irking me more than it should. But I have the freedom to say “no” if I choose, and I absolutely did.
My freedom is the most precious thing in the world to me these days. I don’t think I will be able to be in a relationship for a very long time because of how much my freedom means to me. It’s not that anyone ever really told me what to do, but there are so many compromises I had to make that I just don’t want to make anymore. What if I want to talk to 5 guys at a time? Haha, I’m not, but I totally could if I wanted to. What if I want to take a trip across the whole world for a weekend – why not? I just love that I could. To me freedom to be absolutely carefree with no responsibilities other than those for myself, is such a gift, and it’s one of the things that God has blessed me with and has shown me what to appreciate.
And of course, the biggest freedom of all – not being dependent on a drug or substance anymore. I don’t think anyone realizes what freedom from addiction really means. People wonder why the people of AA or NA are so giving and kind, or even so helpful – because the FREEDOM is so amazing in itself, they just want to share it with as many people as possible. For me being sober for three years is the biggest example of freedom I could ever have. I just wish my ex-husband could have that too. He is still so deep in it and will be for a long time, because as of right now, going out “once a month and partying” seems to be his MO, and he doesn’t think it’s a big deal. But he isn’t free, he is still hooked, and being slave to that is a feeling I never want to have again.
And of course, finally, real freedom is being able to live here in America. A land that I love, that has given me so much opportunity. I never thought I would live in a world where I thought twice about actually saying that out loud, but I wouldn’t be true to myself if I didn’t mention how grateful I am to be here in the land of the free.
There are so many risks I don’t regret, it’s hard to just narrow it down to one. Life is risk, walking out your door is risk, but taking chances with your life is one you shouldn’t take – but one that I have many times over. Being in the mental health system for so long, and also using drugs with my husband, I found myself in various situations where I could have died – either shot dead by a drug dealer, overdosing by the wrong drug, or just crashing into another car because of all the reckless driving I did while high – all of those are risks I don’t regret because it reminds me of where I never want to be again, and it also, (if I am being morbidly honest), let me experience life in a way in which I actually got to “live on the edge.”
But for argument’s sake, the one risk I will NEVER regret, is the one I took when I left New York. I had just gotten furloughed from my job during COVID, and me and my husband decided on just a crazy whim to leave all our furniture on the street and pack up whatever we could fit in my car and head to North Carolina. Being separated from him now, I honestly romanticize that part the most because we embarked on a wild adventure together that would land us both in jail for a year, then him in a pysch hospital for another whole year, and me in a homeless shelter/rehab for 15 more months. We took a lot of risks in those years, just going back in forth in the justice system, boosting stuff from stores to feed our habit, and just living a Bonnie and Clyde fantasy existence. I want to say I regret all of that too, but again, it was an experience like no other that was the epitome of adventure compared to my previous long, boring existence.
That move to North Carolina was something I could have never done on my own – I needed someone, the catalyst, the inspiration that a writer would need to make that leap into a book, that muse that artists crave so bad, that push that only God can give sometimes. I always believed my husband was my greatest downfall, but he was my rescuer as well. I would have forever lived my life in a room in a corner of my parent’s house like I did for so many years, with no hope of ever moving out on my own or getting my own life. Have you ever been stuck in a rut that lasted years? That’s where I was before this move.
“Even though we are not together anymore, thank you Giovanni for giving me that gift of gumption, so I was able to go on that adventure with you – even though we are in separate places now, living different lives, (you chose a life still following drugs), I know now that the season you were here with me was to bring me to the place I needed to be.”
Today, I live on my own independently, three years happily sober, with my wonderful little place, nice car and decent job. I may be single again, but my ex will always hold a place in my heart as the man who I took the biggest risks of my life with – the most beneficial one being the move from New York to North Carolina.
Without risk, there is no reward, and I am living that reward today.
What comes to mind? My ex-husband. Right now, he’s in NUMC, one of the worst mental hospitals in New York. My mind goes back to a time where I was just as hopeless as him, where I was at the mercy of the mental health system, to where I am at now.
I have been considering tapering down on my meds, which is really risky, but I want to do it. I have been sleeping sound, (thanks to my CPAP machine), for over two years now, and I have come to a point where I believe I don’t need to be on such heavy drugs. A couple of friends of mine made some points to me, one being that I have been so stable the past two years, BECAUSE I have been taking my meds regularly, not in spite of them. One could argue, I never allowed to give myself a chance to be mentally fit because I was always drinking, or in my ex-husband’s case, taking drugs. But coming up on three years clean and sober, I can think of a different path for my life than the endless revolving door of the mental health system that I was subject to just five years ago.
It’s really easy to go down the rabbit hole of mental institutions, especially when drugs and alcohol are involved. My ex-husband keeps saying he doesn’t drink, so that makes him okay and not an addict, but a total crack binge for 4 days in the streets once a month is normal to him. I can only say that now we are in totally different worlds, where I left that whole path of self-destruction.
Was I saved? Was it God? I don’t know. My ex-husband believes in God, but I think the only God that saves him when he gets in trouble time and time again. For me, my path was laid before me after intense personal turmoil and torture – a cycle of in and out the hospitals that spanned well over a decade, and an addiction to alcohol that lasted close to a quarter of a century. Why was I spared? I don’t know the answer to that either – but one thing is for sure – the rabbit hole for me finally bottomed out and I am free and clear for a bright new future – single again, but definitely mentally sound.
This room took a lot of work and soul searching. I had let this back room sit for months with all of my husband’s stuff all over, looking at it every day and getting more and more depressed. Moving on has been really hard; I listened to “Green Eyes” by ColdPlay today and started bawling my eyes out because it’s a song he used to sing to me in jail to keep him going. I feel guilty that I used to keep him going. His mom tells me I am the only friend he has in the world, and it’s so hard for me to hear that because I had to walk away.
This process has been both painful and freeing. I have never felt so confident, and proud, and at the same time so sad. I loved this man with all my heart. I know he is so bad for me. He has been in the streets so much since he has been back in New York, (I sent him on a bus back there from my house months ago), and all he has done is gone down a path of self-destruction. He has no purpose, no direction, and all he can see are those drugs – those are his obsession, and as much as he wants to say he loves me – he loves them more.
But my second bedroom is finished, and I am moving on with my life. Now I have a place for my friends to stay over when they need to. I feel accomplished and like I’m moving in the right direction.
So, after a long period of time of not knowing what I wanted to do with my life, I am in a position to really make a difference in the next 10 years. All my experiences, all my success, everything I have been able to accomplish will finally come to light in the next decade. I have decided to finally work on my book this summer which is the prelude to the future career that I want to make for myself.
I have been doing a lot for the past 4 months, but I don’t have a real direction. I have been so obsessed with everything going on with my ex, that I haven’t concentrated at all on my myself. The last I heard he had shown back up at his mom’s house after a long drug binge that lasted four days and she sent him straight to the local psych ward to be evaluated. This is the third time this month this has happened, and after all this back and forth I can finally say I am finally able to break free. He hasn’t reached out to me, and I really hope he doesn’t because I have invested so much into him, I have neglected myself – hopefully, all of that is done now.
Anyway, I think it’s a scary venture, to really look at yourself and decide what you are going to do with the rest of your life. Living in darkness for so long in a bipolar haze has definitely clouded any hopes and dreams I could have possibly had for the future. I had also spent so long yearning so bad for any kind of relationship, that out of desperation I settled for the first man that gave me any kind of attention and breaking free has been an enormous feat. But also, being sober almost three years, (next week Saturday), and getting a good night’s sleep every night has impacted my mental health in a very positive way. It’s a story that needs to be told – a person that lost everything, her hopes, her dreams, her career, and most importantly her sanity at the tender age of 24 – to going through the mental health system for close to 20 years with a hospitalization every year during that time, to going to jail, being homeless, and finally bouncing back and having an amazing life through all of that.
I am literally like the Phoenix that arose out of such miserable ashes. My apartment, my job, my car, my family, my friends – all of the luxuries that I enjoy today, came to me by a lot of hard work, dedication and the Grace from God. I couldn’t have done this on my own – but to come through to a positive place after so many years of desolation is a beacon of hope to so many others that are still suffering. Like I mentioned, I feel my story needs to be told, and I want to accomplish that in the next 10 years.
I hope to also be able to open up a non-profit organization to help others who suffer from addiction and mental health issues. It is just a dream right now, but I honestly believe it can be a reality. I also want to let the many women out there know that there is hope, that they are beautiful, that they are worth it, and they don’t need to stay in a relationship that brings them pain. Matter of fact, that goes for both men and women because I know men suffer in those kinds of situations too. I hope to help as many people as I can in the upcoming years.
Cheers to the future! (with a non-alcoholic drink)
An Inspired Odyssey Through✨️Ink & Stardust✨️ 