The words, oh the so many beautiful words that come across the screen as they enter my mind. The beauty, the nostalgia, the excitement the sheer joy it brings! I love being able to express myself, I love sharing my story, I love that people read them and enjoy them, most of all, the sheer therapy of it all is monumental.
I will never forget the days of my early journaling, and when I created my first blog – of how much pain used to be written down and expressed to now being able to feel the freedom and power of overwhelming peace that has taken over my life.
Everything I write now is with purpose and intentional, and to me it’s the most beautiful kind of art that exists in this world.
When we think positive emotions we feel the most often – it’s usually happy, excited, even ecstatic – but what about gratitude? I have come to find out that gratitude is the one I feel the most because it is directly related to all my positive vibes and happiness.
I honestly feel the “idea” of gratitude is often beaten to death in the mainstream society we live in; people say make gratitude lists and practice gratitude, but do they even know why they are doing it, or what it’s even for? To me, being grateful has saved me time and time again, especially from falling into a deep abyss into depression over my weight and failed marriage. There is a lot that I hate about my life, but who doesn’t these days? Money is tighter than ever, my boyfriend lives far away, and there is so much I want to do that I am unable to accomplish. BUT – when I do that, I miss out on all the amazing things and people I have in my life, that’s where the gratitude comes in.
So, I practice it often, and mainly every day. The most amazing thing is, the more I practice it, the more positive things happen and come into my life. Yesterday was pretty tough, because I have a lot of issues with “punishment” when it comes to God and faith so when I was on my way to work, my tires went flat and had to go get them fixed. I felt, of course, that I was being punished for some of the seedy things that I have been doing that haven’t been the most holy. My path to faith has been a good one so far though, directly in line with my boyfriend’s faith – another reason why I am so grateful every day. But that feeling of “punishment” and not being good enough comes back time and time again because of my past religious background, and how I view God, but that growth will come in time.
So, in the meantime, I am continuing to create a positive space by expressing unwavering gratitude.
In an endless loop of mental institutions and instability, my only salvation was to become sober or die trying. Many people in recovery often talk about the fact that becoming sober was no longer a choice, that rock bottom wasn’t even where they were at, it was that they were literally knocking on death’s door.
I am very much in the same place. What bring me peace is staying sober and passing the message on the next addict/alcoholic. I mean the principles being AA teach that very thing, but the reason behind it is that it brings peace and total serenity to the teacher. My life was chaotic for so many years, just endless nonsense of angst and frustration – and as I mentioned in a previous post, when I was looking back at some of the old threads I made on a mental health website, it made me painfully aware of how out of control my life was.
The main culprit: drugs and alcohol. I didn’t start using cocaine until I was 40, but the alcohol use screwed up my brain bad enough to the point in which I was in constant torment of myself and others. People don’t take sobriety seriously; many believe that weed isn’t even that bad – I am here to tell you that ANY substance that alters your mind in its natural state, will rob you of any peace and calmness you seek. We are not MEANT to be high; a human’s brain is not built for that; we are built for community and fellowship – we should be getting high on the endorphins we get from good feelings created by good deeds or a really good workout.
Sound like buzzkill yet? GOOD! Your ass doesn’t need to get buzzed. Living a peaceful life isn’t about getting lost in a fantasy created by chemicals created in a lab to create an altered state. That’s a temporary peace, one which you will be chasing all your life to get, much to the detriment of others and yourself. Also, it depends on your definition of peace as well. For me, the satisfaction of teaching felons and convicts the skills they need to land the job they thought they could never get brings me peace. The inspiration that I instill in a newly sober brother or sister with sharing my story brings me peace. And of course, the fellowship in my AA homegroup and the participation in my church gives me the ultimate peace.
Stillness, and calmness comes from being able to say to yourself: I don’t need this TV on for 10 hours straight binging something on Netflix, and I don’t need to scroll for hours on ten-second reels and videos because my attention span is pretty much now fried from it. All I need is a good book, (with actual pages), and a small lamp escaping into imagination in the silence of the night. To some, this may be a boring existence, but to me it’s a nirvana that I have been searching for my whole life.
How would my blog change the world? With one epiphany and one nugget of truth at a time. Today’s epiphany is awareness – mostly awareness of how powerless we all really are in the face of mother nature and the world. I know for a fact that I am powerless over alcohol, (thank you Step 1 of AA), but as the winds whip on my window and the rain pounds down in all of Debby’s rage – I realize the more control I let go of, the more at peace I will be.
I am very scared right now, and I was for most of the night last night. I am all alone here in my house, with no real defense against an attack of this magnitude, one of which I can’t control but I just have to ride it out. I have faced so many catastrophes in my life, and I have always persevered, one of which was Hurricane Sandy when I lived in New York. I have to say, nothing is mightier than the Hand of God to remind you just how small you really are.
The nugget in this blog that will change the world today? A message of hope – just hope. This world seems so bereft of that idea, or that it even exists. When I knocked on God’s door for an answer, (Matthew 7:7 and Luke 11:9), he didn’t answer, for a very long time. I knocked and I knocked for close to 15 years and was met with what I thought was silence. Back and forth in the mental institutions did I find myself, drowning in a bottle of booze, unable to even hold a job, say nothing of even dreaming of the independence I have today, or a future for myself. How did I overcome that? A major shift, a major change, God answering the door and allowing me to walk out of the darkness. But it came with a price. I did fall in love, the one thing I had been waiting for, for so long and so many years, scouring the online dating world with no luck whatsoever. My husband had finally come and swept me off of my feet, leading me on an adventure of sex, drugs, incarceration and humiliation, that would change my life forever – it ultimately led me to the salvation that I am experiencing today.
Salvation, hope, surrender, redemption and ultimately forgiveness – those are the messages that will change the world, the messages that I am trying to convey. As I have been typing this, my phone went from screaming extreme tornado warnings, and dangerous rain and wind, to a calm like none I have felt since this storm first landed. I know that’s when tornadoes usually strike, but I can face it now, alone and strong, more than I ever could during the winds of Hurricane Sandy when I was drunk and broken so many years ago.
As the storms of my life have raged, so have the storms of nature, and I cannot tell you what it’s like to finally know peace after so much turmoil, perpetual heartbreak, and disappointment. The only thing that turned it around was one simple thing, one simple act, one simple belief: Faith. Not only in God but more in myself. Interesting that the lights just flickered as I typed that, and my heart just jumped a bit.
Checkmate.
The battle to win the storm may still be going, but at least I know the battle for my soul is won.
Stay tuned.
Daily writing prompt
What change, big or small, would you like your blog to make in the world?
It’s become a habitual thing, and you have NO IDEA what a difference it has made in my life. A morning routine is very important, and I didn’t realize how much being institutionalized for almost three years has changed me into having one. But you know, people say that it is the small things in life that make a big difference, and I think the simple of act of forcing myself to make my bed every morning has made a significant impact on my life.
Routines in recovery are important. Being almost four years sober, through the Grace of God, I have noticed that having a morning and evening routine has greatly impacted my overall well-being, as well as my mental health. Not only do I consider myself a recovered alcoholic, but I also consider myself a recovered bipolar too – much like Susana Kaysen was diagnosed at the end of “Girl Interrupted” – she was released from an institution as a recovered “Borderline.” A lot of this “recovered” status of mine has to do with regular routines, and systematic structure. My days and weeks are basically all planned out – I have set schedules for everything I do, which includes, work, volunteering, mom and dad visits, church, sponsorship, and my AA homegroup – throw in some randomness like last-minute shopping and adventures with friends, my life is pretty much set in structure. It’s really important to keep things like that going because it keeps you accountable, and it also doesn’t really allow the days of boredom and nothingness to set in where you can easily slip into a state of depression and isolation. Living alone is hard, and a lot of us can actually fall in on ourselves if we allow it.
I have determined that this simple act of making my bed every morning is the MOST important thing that brings me the most joy. In fact, if I forget or don’t have time to make it, it actually ends up bothering me for an entire day. I almost feel silly sometimes because I have a ton of pillows as a person living alone, (much like Ben Stiller in “Along Came Polly”), and I find myself taking a bunch of pillows on and off my bed every morning and every night when I am ready to sleep. But that’s not what matters the most – I think it is all psychological. Being able to walk back and forth from my bedroom and seeing a freshly made bed gives me an immense sense of joy because it represents a vision of order in my life which had previously been such chaos. Also, like I mentioned, being in jails, homeless shelters, rehab and sober living residences for a few years where we were all pretty much FORCED into having a neat bed for daily inspection, it became a mostly unconscious habit as well.
So yeah, I recommend testing yourself to this challenge of making your bed every morning if your life is in complete chaos and you’re trying to get yourself in somewhat some sense of order and routine. I think it’s the first step to some real-life stability. You will really notice the difference! I sure have.
Today was my first real attempt at being someone’s sponsor. I had tried it before, but this time feels more real. My mind has been jumbled with all the emptiness and ungratefulness swirling around my brain as of late, and if being sober has taught me anything, my alcoholic mind is trying to trap me in all my complacency to take that first drink. So no, today wasn’t typical – I pushed myself out of my isolation and self-pity and decided to take the gift that God gave me and pass it on to the next suffering alcoholic.
Bipolar-wise, I am a little worried. I am actually screaming out these days, (I mean it in the absolute literal sense), like screaming “*UCK!!” at the top of my lungs when I am frustrated. I live alone so it isn’t an odd thing, but I have noticed that this screaming out obscenities out of frustration just started happening lately. I know it is directly linked to my sobriety and the fact that my usual go-to of going to a restaurant and sitting with a huge bottle of wine is no longer an option to deal with all my emotions. Having to deal with the volcanic hot-tempered Latin/Carribean blood on a daily basis is really starting to get to me, on a level like I’ve never felt before because there is no other outlet right now other than screaming, (which is probably not good for my neighbors).
My angsty-ness also is coming from my relationship. I do love my boyfriend very much, but his living situation is a sore spot for me. There is a lot going on in his life that he needs to fix, and sometimes it feels to me like he is not putting in the effort. I don’t think a lot of it is his fault mostly because he was never encouraged to ever pursue his dreams or make things happen for himself. Encouragement goes a long way for people, especially if you didn’t have a lot of it growing up – so in his case I am going to try and be more compassionate. Also, today is the 29th and there is a chance he may lose his benefits due to some paperwork technicality next month, and that is a real scare for the both of us.
So yeah, not a typical day. There is a lot up in the air right now, and a lot of things I need to figure out going forward. I took another $1000 out of my savings account to cover costs this month, but to be honest most of it was for Galaxy Con in Raleigh this year, and it was totally worth it. Just taking my picture with William Shatner and meeting one of the men I used to dream about growing up was such a thrill for me, and honestly, it’s not worth worrying about the money it took to enjoy that day. I may be way too fat in the picture, but you know what, it’s a memory I will always have.
Having my therapy session was also good today – I learned that my unfulfillment may be coming off of such an exciting weekend, and my life just pales in comparison. I feel fulfilled when I am around a lot of people, sharing stories and ideas – that’s why I enjoyed one of the Panel Room discussions “Ten Forward” so much at the convention. It was a real opportunity to talk Trek and geek out with fellow fans – I think I am missing that kind of camaraderie in my life. I am going to take advantage of all the clubs I joined at the convention too, so maybe I can enjoy more outings with fellow geeks and sci-fi peeps.
Anyway, also mailed my boyfriend’s gift box today too – I was shocked that it was $37 to ship at the Post Office – lesson learned that I need to start shipping UPS now. I sent him a bunch of stuff from the convention along with some cute Knick knacks and a card and a letter I wrote. I sent a letter and card to my ex-husband and his mom too – something that I didn’t think I was going to do. I didn’t respond to his last letter to me because I wanted to concentrate on my current relationship and not dig up past feelings, but I think he really needs my support right now. I changed my number, and I don’t want him to have it, so I am not going to call, but I felt I needed to send that letter of encouragement for him to try to at least get sober – it really hurt he got beat up by three guys outside of a bar last weekend. He doesn’t need a life like that, and oh, he could have had such a good life with me; I wanted to take care and be with him so badly, I loved him so much, but he chose the drugs over me again, and I just couldn’t do it anymore. I hope my letter helps a little, I know he doesn’t really have anyone on his side, and I always was. I still love him in so many ways and think of him all the time. It’s heartbreaking to me all the time, and I still cry when a song comes on the radio, but I guess that’s a wound that will take long to heal. In fact, I cried on the way home just today.
Meeting my boyfriend was a total shock to my system because I was fresh out of my marriage with a broken heart and damaged soul. Leaving my husband was the hardest thing I ever had to do, and even to this day I still think of him. But God in all his Glory, has other things planned for me it seems. Bigger and better things.
This man is unlike any man I have ever met. I hate to say it this way, but he is a real grown-up with real responsibilities. He has two grown children, and one has severe depression that needs constant care. It has been a challenge, learning to adjust and be understanding, but the end goal and the rewards that I hope will come into fruition are beyond joys I could have ever imagined. This relationship has also given me the opportunity to travel to Los Angeles, a place I’ve always wanted to go and see. My boyfriend was born and raised there so I am granted with the “inside track,” so to speak, and I will get to see all the cool stuff outside the usual touristy rhetoric.
I think the trip will happen sometime in 2025. I will have to make sure to get my REAL ID too – I think the new rules go into effect in May of 2025. After that date, if you don’t have a REAL ID you can’t fly- your regular driver’s license or ID card will no longer be accepted by the TSA. Sounds like a money ploy to me of course, because you will have to pay for the new card even if you had already renewed your license – you don’t just get one by default. Typical, right?
I am excited. Being born and raised in NYC, I also know all the cool spots, so it will be nice to show my boyfriend around too. I know the MTA train system by heart so we can travel all over the city to all the cool places. I can’t wait to show him all of Manhattan, Brooklyn, The Bronx and Queens – and I don’t buy into the whole “danger” part of NYC either – I traveled those trains in the late 80s when bullets were literally flying all over, lol. The city will always be dangerous, and I’m sure the same thing can be said about Los Angeles.
Oh, and I also want to drop about 50 pounds, so I am not a whale on the flight, lol. Ugh, since my thyroid surgery my weight has moved in the total opposite direction. I definitely have some work to do. I am also thrilled about my probation being lifted to “unsupervised” now, so I don’t have to deal with any travel restrictions, drug tests, or any of the pain in the ass things I’ve had to endure over the past year. Did I mention I was thinking about my ex-husband? Yeah, when those thoughts come, I should really remind myself that it’s because of him I got arrested in the first place, AND all his charges got dropped and I have to carry mine for the rest of my life. So, no Ms. Inspiredodyssey – stop thinking about that man, lol, think about the future ahead with the new love of your life! Los Angeles here I come!
Touch, smells, sounds just the presence of someone seems to be missing from modern society. The humanness of social interactions is so lost because there is so much we do from behind our screens.
I lived a long time behind a screen – probably close to 15 years to be exact. It was an endless circle of emptiness in relationships and most of all, friendships. As a society, I believe we have moved toward that lifestyle or that way of being, and it is so sad. I understand we live in a post-COVID world, but that doesn’t mean we have to abandon the sense of community which makes living so worth while.
I admit, I have an issue with my relationship now. It is long distance, so it is over the phone, video call, and mostly online communication. After escaping that online hell I had created for myself and left New York by going on a crazy adventure with my now ex-husband, I made up my mind that I would live in the “real” world and wouldn’t be stuck in the online world that modern society has deemed normal. I cultivate real relationships and friendships these days; I go out into the world and interact with my fellow humans on a daily basis, or as much as I can. I go to events alone if I have to, I start meetups on my NextDoor neighborhood app, and I am very active in my recovery community. Maybe being sober all this time and being what I call a “recovered bipolar” has helped me escape the cycle of depression that runs so rampant in the world today.
I will be honest; I miss the joy in life. There is so much joylessness in this society that my only wish is that actual joy would come back. Here is a perfect example:
What is the different between these two McDonald’s? Can you see it? Where is the color of life anymore? I went into a store the other day and couldn’t even find the 64 Crayola crayons either. Remember where there were 64 colors to create masterpieces with? Modern society has become so dull and bereft of life; I honestly believe it’s due to the lack of human connection.
So, what would I change? I would do a complete overhaul and bring life and color back into the world again – bring the HUMAN element back before we all end up actually looking like and being what AI represents.
In the internet age, people have become too complacent staying home behind a computer screen. Isn’t it a tragedy that most people don’t like going outside anymore? During post-COVID, more and more people are working from home, so simple interactions with three-dimensional people have become a thing of the past.
In my life, I got forced to go outside and live my life. I spent over 15 years in a cycle of eat, sleep, internet, and rinse and repeat. I had absolutely no idea of what it was like to have actual friends and what it was like to live a busy fun-filled life. My health and well-being were so damaged, and I had no idea how to change it – and with all the hospitalizations over the years, I just felt completely defeated. So, when I got the opportunity to finally change all that when I met my husband, I went for it. Needless to say, it ended up incredibly toxic and even more damaging, but it still led me to an adventure of a lifetime. #NOREGRETS.
These days, I have an incredibly full life. Even though I don’t live in the main city anymore, I still travel there a couple of days a week to catch up with all the events and the people that I know. During the week, I keep myself incredibly occupied as well. I admit that I find myself on the internet trolling chatrooms sometimes, but some habits do die hard, lol. But it is more a passing through attitude now, where it used to be an all day, everyday thing. But in my honest opinion, being offline for almost 3 years was the best thing to ever happen to me, and to maintain a healthy well-being is to stay offline as much as possible during the day. Reading a book, working out, go to an AA meeting, going to church, (even when it’s empty and just me finding peace), going to lunch with friends, walking around a bookstore or thrift shop, going to the library -these are all things that promotes a healthy well-being. Just being out in the world where you are out with people is the best medicine. I find it so sad when someone tells me they hate people – fellowship is the best part about being alive. We need people to elevate and promote our own healthy mental health. Maybe that’s just my opinion, I don’t know.
So, if you want good health and a balanced well-being, dump the computer, put down the phone, and GO OUTSIDE!!
Cheers to a good life! (with a non-alcoholic drink, well for me, anyway lol)
Stay tuned.
Daily writing prompt
What strategies do you use to maintain your health and well-being?
I think we all can agree that when you open a browser and start clicking, 5 hours can easily disappear. My biggest time-wasting issues stem from chatrooms. Since the day Yahoo and AOL closed, there have been others that have opened up – ChatIB and ChatAvenue are my recent go-tos for a good chat – and honestly, hours and hours can just fly by. I just love the complete anonymity of the whole thing, and all the ideas and thoughts that flow by on the screen. Then the private messages start coming in and you can just get so lost.
But the internet in general is just a hot bed for killing time. I know for most people all the streaming apps with all the thousands of shows and movies to choose from is another big-time killer. But to me, when you go online, you are just open to so many screens and things to look at, that you can literally spend your whole entire life behind a screen. I know from experience because I lived 15 years of my life like that.
How did I break free? Going to jail and being homeless so I didn’t have a choice but have no internet, lol. I don’t recommend that obviously, but the fact that I was without it for so long and was able to read so many books and do so many things with actual three-dimensional people was a huge thing for me. Nowadays, I still find myself behind a computer sometimes, well there are days that I pull all-nighters in chatrooms still, BUT for the most part, I am out there in the real world living my life.
I think it’s important that we find things to do outside of the internet. I had done a No-Internet Challenge once that I blogged about years ago, and it was really helpful in letting me see how important it was to enjoy life again. I read comics, drew pictures, watched cable tv, and wrote poems and letters. I enjoy doing things outside of being online, I do, and I hope that more people would. I didn’t realize how dependent I was on that rush of an instant message or that need to see something flashing on a screen. I wonder what people did for fun in the 50s and 60s sometimes too. Do you remember what life was like before the internet?
An Inspired Odyssey Through✨️Ink & Stardust✨️ 