inspiredodyssey love

My First Crush, My Last Crush

It’s hard to remember my first crush exactly, but I do know that when I was young, I used to have fantasies about the guys on TV. There was Riker from Star Trek the Next Generation, there was Michael Knight from Knight Rider, there was Face from A-Team, even William Shatner as Captain Kirk himself, (who I finally got to meet at GalaxyCon last year, swoon even at 91! lol). I loved them so much, and used to act out scenes from shows with them, pretending I was their love interest, (I had quite the imagination for a 10-year-old, lol).

Over the years, my relationships evolved into some versions of the men I used to crush over on TV. I got to meet a real-life version of Riker, but a Mexican version which is even sexier. My latest love interest, who I am working my hardest to be with again, is my Mexican Riker. He’s got the eyes, the hair, and of course, swoon, the beard! That luxurious beard how could a girl not go crazy! I still send him all kinds of products for his beard, I do love that he takes good care of it.

But one of the things that I am remembering about my Mexican Riker, were the words he wrote to me once. He called me his “first love, his true love” and I am brought back to the days when he was head over heels in love with me. We fell into so much passion, it was electrifying. My days and nights were filled with him encompassing my entire being, feelings that I just never experienced that with anyone else. All those years growing up, wishing and wanting a deep true love – I finally got to experience it last year. These days it’s just really painful, and I miss him with everything in me because the relationship just isn’t the same anymore; it is a far cry from the deep love we used to share. I find myself wanting and needing so much, only to get stopped by a giant wall and the enormous space between us. What I would give to be able to tell him how I really feel. What I would give to hear how much he wanted me again. It’s stabbing me in my heart every day.

So is he my first crush? Technically, yes. I was in love with Riker as a child, now I am in love with Mexican Riker 30 years later – and what a tragic love story it is.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

To be or Not to Be Typical – An Interesting Day

Today was my first real attempt at being someone’s sponsor. I had tried it before, but this time feels more real. My mind has been jumbled with all the emptiness and ungratefulness swirling around my brain as of late, and if being sober has taught me anything, my alcoholic mind is trying to trap me in all my complacency to take that first drink. So no, today wasn’t typical – I pushed myself out of my isolation and self-pity and decided to take the gift that God gave me and pass it on to the next suffering alcoholic.

Bipolar-wise, I am a little worried. I am actually screaming out these days, (I mean it in the absolute literal sense), like screaming “*UCK!!” at the top of my lungs when I am frustrated. I live alone so it isn’t an odd thing, but I have noticed that this screaming out obscenities out of frustration just started happening lately. I know it is directly linked to my sobriety and the fact that my usual go-to of going to a restaurant and sitting with a huge bottle of wine is no longer an option to deal with all my emotions. Having to deal with the volcanic hot-tempered Latin/Carribean blood on a daily basis is really starting to get to me, on a level like I’ve never felt before because there is no other outlet right now other than screaming, (which is probably not good for my neighbors).

My angsty-ness also is coming from my relationship. I do love my boyfriend very much, but his living situation is a sore spot for me. There is a lot going on in his life that he needs to fix, and sometimes it feels to me like he is not putting in the effort. I don’t think a lot of it is his fault mostly because he was never encouraged to ever pursue his dreams or make things happen for himself. Encouragement goes a long way for people, especially if you didn’t have a lot of it growing up – so in his case I am going to try and be more compassionate. Also, today is the 29th and there is a chance he may lose his benefits due to some paperwork technicality next month, and that is a real scare for the both of us.

So yeah, not a typical day. There is a lot up in the air right now, and a lot of things I need to figure out going forward. I took another $1000 out of my savings account to cover costs this month, but to be honest most of it was for Galaxy Con in Raleigh this year, and it was totally worth it. Just taking my picture with William Shatner and meeting one of the men I used to dream about growing up was such a thrill for me, and honestly, it’s not worth worrying about the money it took to enjoy that day. I may be way too fat in the picture, but you know what, it’s a memory I will always have.

Having my therapy session was also good today – I learned that my unfulfillment may be coming off of such an exciting weekend, and my life just pales in comparison. I feel fulfilled when I am around a lot of people, sharing stories and ideas – that’s why I enjoyed one of the Panel Room discussions “Ten Forward” so much at the convention. It was a real opportunity to talk Trek and geek out with fellow fans – I think I am missing that kind of camaraderie in my life. I am going to take advantage of all the clubs I joined at the convention too, so maybe I can enjoy more outings with fellow geeks and sci-fi peeps.

Anyway, also mailed my boyfriend’s gift box today too – I was shocked that it was $37 to ship at the Post Office – lesson learned that I need to start shipping UPS now. I sent him a bunch of stuff from the convention along with some cute Knick knacks and a card and a letter I wrote. I sent a letter and card to my ex-husband and his mom too – something that I didn’t think I was going to do. I didn’t respond to his last letter to me because I wanted to concentrate on my current relationship and not dig up past feelings, but I think he really needs my support right now. I changed my number, and I don’t want him to have it, so I am not going to call, but I felt I needed to send that letter of encouragement for him to try to at least get sober – it really hurt he got beat up by three guys outside of a bar last weekend. He doesn’t need a life like that, and oh, he could have had such a good life with me; I wanted to take care and be with him so badly, I loved him so much, but he chose the drugs over me again, and I just couldn’t do it anymore. I hope my letter helps a little, I know he doesn’t really have anyone on his side, and I always was. I still love him in so many ways and think of him all the time. It’s heartbreaking to me all the time, and I still cry when a song comes on the radio, but I guess that’s a wound that will take long to heal. In fact, I cried on the way home just today.

So yeah, not your typical day.

Stay tuned.

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inspiredodyssey Funny, Uncategorized

Do You Have Patience??

Worf Merry Man

On some real talk now – how many of you press the crap out of your phone screen, click the crap out of your mouse when something is buffering, or bite the crap out of your now, non-existent fingernails waiting for a text message, or ANY message, on all the different platforms???

I know for me personally, I have never been patient, at least these days I’m not. I feel like if I don’t have things “instantly,” I throw an inner tantrum or fit, and it ain’t pretty folks. Where do you think this comes from? Some would argue that we have succumbed to this whole instant-gratification culture, but damn, why the heck do those three dots on my iPhone cause me such stress???!!! ARGH!!!

Anyway, I am learning patience this weekend. I can’t find out about some money coming to me, whether or not my online classes will grant me Lifetime Access, or basically do anything till Monday. So tomorrow I’ll have to suffer. Or maybe not. I am not a gamer, so sitting in front of a Playstation for 12 hours tomorrow won’t work, and I have exactly $11.35 in the bank, so my butt ain’t going nowhere tomorrow either. Maybe I’ll watch the new movie Widows on HBO;  I read good things about it.

I wonder though, what do you guys do, besides distractions, to occupy yourselves? 

If you’re wondering how I am going to spend my evening, I will give you one word:

REDDIT

I’m serious. This is like the absolute blackest, of black holes on the internet. You know what the most fun is though? Messaging someone something utterly ridiculous. 

Case in point:

Message to a strange man on Reddit, Sent 11:01pm:

Dear haunted sweater enveloped by Byron,

I would rather talk to you Mr. Sweater, Byron seems scary. Well, not creepy scary, but good scary. The kind of scary that makes Mogwais eat chicken after midnight. So, hi haunted sweater, how are you? Did you ever do lifting for the people on Craigslist? Did they ever send you moisturized pictures of themselves??

Okay time to talk to Byron, he may get a complex that I am talking to you and not him.

Byron, dear sweet child, your entire post elicited one single thought:

“Captain, I protest, I am NOT a Merry Man!!”

I don’t know, maybe I think you look like Worf. And speaking of Klingons, I think what they did to them in the new Star Trek is appalling. I mean I would never pay for Star Trek, but I peeped a clip of Klingon sex and weird Klingon nipples and I think I could have been happy for the rest of my entire life if I never ever saw that. I would rather see Tribbles have sex because they have fertility efficiency. I would like to see efficient sex; porn looks too sloppy. They should have sex how Stewie taught Stu how to have sex. “And one, two, three, four, in and out there you go, take it in, take it out, take in, take it out, I am the monarch of the sea, the queen of the king’s navy…..” yeah you get the idea. I spend my time in 2005 reliving the revival of Family Guy. In fact, if it was 2005, I would have a hot body and wouldn’t be writing this, I would be getting laid like Tara Reid. And Tara Reid who is now in Sharknado 6: It’s About Time, with hot pink lipstick and no body. Sometimes I feel that she shouldn’t have a mouth either. I spend my time thinking about how women shouldn’t have mouths. But I digress, you can tell I watch a lot of terrible TV, and your post made no pop culture references and I am crapping all over this message to you by making them. So, I humbly, apologize.

I would also like to admit I opened a Word document to write this message. Being in school now has taught me that when you sit down to spend an hour to write down one big convoluted thought, it is best to open a Word document. I think the internet knows how hard we work on things and it evil-y decides that we shouldn’t progress in anything so it deletes all our work by freezing browsers and buffers from here to eternity. I think the internet is haunted. I think this Word document is haunted. I think the ghosts from that Thrift store made it to New York and is now haunting my words. I think my mouse is haunted. It’s clicking by itself for no reason.

As for your post, well, no amount of words can convalesce how incredibly talented you are with the gift of gab and am also now realizing that the only people who know what gift of gab is, are our age. I too, am getting older, and don’t want to be responsible. I will be honest and say I haven’t been responsible in about 15 years. I fart butterflies and pee rainbows too, in case you were wondering. It is very awkward in the bathroom on most days. My bowel movements are rose petals too, just in case you were wondering that as well.

Anyway, I hope we can become borderline obsessed friends.

But all jokes aside, in the real world, I have a real address, a real phone number, and a real Discord that I was kicked out of and no longer have.

I would love to type letters back and forth, but don’t object to handwriting all this nonsense on a scented floral stationary that smells like Elizabeth Taylor’s White Diamonds either.

Hope to hear from you soon friend,

Lynn

So there! I figured out how to have patience! Write ridiculously, long, nonsensical things to strangers on the internet!

And you know what? Even if he never messages me back, I don’t even care. I had an awesome, fun time writing it.

That’s all that matters right?

Life is so simple, yet so sweet.

Stay tuned.