Claustrophic Today – The World is Enveloping Me

I am feeling closed in. Friends are complaining to me about their lives, I am working too much, and I can’t breathe. I am in such a miserable place; I just am sending out a prayer today for me to find some peace.

I had spoken to God the other day when I was sitting outside, and as the breeze brushed against my skin, I felt that He in all his Glory was listening to little ‘ol me. I know speaking to God doesn’t require such a grandiose set of circumstances, but the only way I really feel connected, (and don’t feel stupid), is when I am His presence like that. People always tell me you can talk to God anywhere anytime, but I’m sorry, if there is chatter everywhere, cars driving past, or just general noise in my space, I can’t speak to God, or at least I can’t be honest how I want to be.

That’s how I feel today, closed in, as if I am stifling in a world where I can’t find peace.

I can’t seem to calm my mind enough to talk to God, or it’s just that this world we live in is just too noisy.

I hope to see my parents today; I have never appreciated them as much as I appreciate them now, which is such a blessing to me. Maybe it’s because I am so ungrateful that I can’t find peace. Things like gratitude lists just don’t work for a person like me. I am too mixed up in “self.” Being recovery is teaching me to me more humble, but old habits die hard. I just have to find a way to “be” with God today, instead of forcing a connection under a specific set of circumstances.

God, grant me the serenity – just to know the difference today.

Stay Tuned.

After 10 Months in Jail and 14 Months in Rehab, I finally Graduated the Program

Today I am a success. I am at a pivotal time in my life where I am not quite free yet, but I am a lot closer to it than I was at the start of this thing. I still have to go to court in August to face a judge, but everything looks good so far. I just wanted to say to anyone that’s reading, that whatever you may be going through, life is how you choose to make it. I am buried in debt, living in a sober living house, minimum wage job, and I don’t know how I am going to eat tomorrow. My husband is still locked up, I miss him terribly and I cry almost every night because of loneliness.

But besides all that, when the crying stops, the miracle happens. I close my eyes, and for the first time in my life, I have a conversation with God. There was this amazing book series that came out ten years ago called, “Conversations with God,” and mainly in it, it’s just the guy having a conversation with his higher power. God is what we make Him to be, who we know Him to be, and let Him take charge. I surrendered two years ago in that jail cell, and my own personal conversations with God have been emotional, empowering and overall – healing.

These days, despite some things are upsetting, and I still cry at the tragedy of my life, I am so grateful, and I do all I can to help others around me. Maybe if things aren’t the way I like it yet, at least I’m not in jail anymore or rehab. Life is what we make it, like I said.

I just know that this was my purpose. I had to go through this so that my story and my experiences can help others. The selflessness that came with sobriety is the most surprising thing that happened through all of this. I am a woman of action today. I don’t think, I do. I move my ass. I don’t lay in bed all day watching Netflix like I used to just 5 years ago. There is a huge difference in existing versus living, and I have been existing for 40 long years.

These days I live.

And I do, not think. Like Yoda said.

Stay Tuned.

When the Future Doesn’t Look as Bad as I Thought

Have you ever felt that you’ve been working so hard, and you aren’t getting anywhere? That life in this day and age is at a standstill? Eggs are $8.00. Bread is $6.00. I mean I never thought I would see this day.

It’s been 2 years since I have been free. Freedom is something we take for granted. I used to live in an internet world, typing my life away and living behind a screen. Then I was thrusted into real life. Falling headfirst into booze and drugs, I found myself facing the things that addicts and alcoholics face: jails, institutions and death. Even though I have cheated death so many times, I have faced jails and institutions the past two years and honestly, it feels good to taste freedom again.

I have watched my life in mirrors of destitution when it came to my parents. My dad’s anger and alcoholism led to heart attacks and diabetes. My mom’s negligence of her health led to cancer. And now for the first time in my life my parents are making plans for when they pass away.

It may seem like a sad and dismal prospect. But in my eyes, I see hope. My dad told me today that he wants to take my husband under his wing and teach him his construction business. He wants my husband to have a future which begins with him leaving him behind his leaving behind his legacy. This will give my husband the purpose he needs and the father figure which he has been desperately craving all his life. Most of all, it may well keep him out of trouble and focused.

I will soon have a place to live after my court case is over. I have support I never thought I had before. Two years ago, I was on the floor of a county jail thinking that my life was over. God showed up in a way that I wasn’t able to see at first. The miracle is about to happen and I’m ready.

Scratch that, every day is a miracle.

Be grateful, that’s my new mantra.

It’s something to prepare me for a life of humilty.

Keep coming back, it works if you work it.

Stay tuned.

The End Goal is Near And I am Self-Sabotaging

Did you almost complete something? Have you always started things and never finished them? Have you always quit before seeing it through? This is me, and where I am at today. I was in jail for 10 months in 2021, and I remember the staff telling me, “well you need to go to a program for another 12-15 months.” My world imploded because I thought I could get out on probation.

Well, it’s 12 months later and I haven’t learned anything. I still feel my old self coming through with the same old negative behaviors. I put up a good front, as if I got it and I have it all together, but inside I am dying. I am screaming at the top of my lungs inside my heart and no one can hear me. I am almost at the end of this program and I feel like I am going to screw up and throw it all away.

I am suffering. I miss my husband dearly. We are separated by the system right now where he is in a hospital and I am in this rehab. On Sunday, when I visited him they wouldn’t let me kiss or hold him, and I wanted to die. This is so hard. I keep asking God why this happened to us – and then I realize we did it to ourselves. We drugged, we partied, we thought we were above the law, and now the consequences are so severe we may never recover.

I can’t go on like this. I feel completely ungrateful. I am underserving of all the good that has come out of this program as I am rebuilding my life. Why am I so unhappy? I know why. Because my whole life all I have ever wanted was to be in love. And now, it comes with a terrible price. I am so upset in my heart, I feel like I don’t want to go on even though things are moving in the direction that they should. I keep hearing that “it’s all in His Timing,” but I am tired of being miserable. What’s worse is I can’t even pray anymore because I don’t even believe.

I am trying my best, but I feel lost. I am almost through with this program and I feel like I have a high school senior’s sickness. I am ready to run out the door and go back to jail – why would I even do such a stupid thing? Because I’m bipolar and my highs and lows are so severe I can’t make heads or tails out of it.

If there is a God, please see me through this month, please.

Or at least hold my hand till the end of the day. Please.

Just please someone help me.

Stay tuned.

Vulnerability in the Eyes of Judgement


I wasn’t going to talk about the fact that I have a mental illness for the purpose of this blog, but recent events (hospitalization) have changed that tune dramatically. I don’t think people realize the strength that is needed when you stay in one of those places for a long period, especially when it is against your will. There were nights where I just prayed to God to let me die and waking up in a foggy haze the next morning with a nurse ready to pump me full of medication.

It is an absolute nightmare, and more so, a humbling experience. I don’t accept the Bipolar diagnosis, but as I am approaching 40, I MUST. Some people have diabetes, my dad has heart disease, and I have something that impedes my most precious organ, my brain – trust me there were times I wished a heart attack rather than mental illness as crazy as that sounds.

I never had bipolar through my youth or my teen years, in fact, I did a lot of partying, and A LOT of drinking. The DRINKING was the beginning of the end for me because at 24 years old I went to a careless psychiatrist that gave me the pills that I added alcohol to that ended up serving me with this horrible death sentence – and for the past 15 years, I have been trying to crawl out of it. There is no end in sight, except I MUST take my medication like so many people these days have to do.  The hardest part for me is never understanding WHY. WHY is the question that I struggle with. I can’t stop my brain from breaking or the universe from cracking, so WHY did our Almighty Father hand me this ailment?? I have come to understand that He knows WHY, and I am not the one who had to understand that question yet. I follow God, whatever and wherever he takes me, and if he decided to test me in blood, sweat and tears in a locked padded room for two weeks straight, screaming bloody murder for someone to help me or even just understand, that’s the trial I had to face.

I am out now, with a chance at a new career and a new lease on life. I just know my brain needs to work with me now. No alcohol, smokes, weed, NOTHING. I need to lead a healthy life now because, as my mom said, “you fucked up the first 40, make the next 40 count,” and that’s exactly what I plan on doing. This shit is so hard, I wish to God none of you reading this has to endure this kind of emotional stress and pain – it’s so much pain, and it runs so deep tears are welling up in my eyes. It’s as if someone took a deep spoon and dug a hole straight into your heart, dipping into the most embarrassing, darkest and deepest secrets for all the world to see. I have nothing left to give of myself. I would say this made me a broken woman, but it did the exact opposite – it made me more determined.

God Bless You All for reading some of my story, I hope I run into you on my journey. Spirituality is your way of salvation in whatever beliefs you have.

I love you.

Stay tuned.

The “No-Internet Challenge,” What I Did For a Weekend Without The Internet

Batman Draw

So I did it! And what a weekend it was! I can honestly say, it was the best weekend of my life, and the best one I’ve had in a really long time. This meant no phone apps, no streaming, and an absolute zero online presence. The computers and laptops were off, and I watched a lot of TV and listened to the radio, (today is National Radio Day, by the way). I did a lot of the things we tend to neglect, like going to a class to reduce your car insurance, drawing, and coloring and reading a book you have been carrying around for a very long time.

I read a book called “The Prophet” by Kahlil Gibran, on Sunday, that I have been carrying around with me for about 20 years and I never read. An ex-boyfriend of mine gave it to me and said it would change my life, and it absolutely did.

There was one thing in particular that stood out to me of what I read; it was a passage about houses:

Your house is your larger body, what do you have in these houses? And what is it you guard with fastened doors? Have you peace, remembrances, and beauty in your houses? Or have you only comfort, the stealthy thing that enters the house as a guest, and then becomes a host, and then your master? Ay, then soon it becomes a tamer with a hook and scourge which makes puppets out of your desires. Verily the lust for comfort murders the passion of the soul, and then walks away grinning at the funeral. You shall be free when your days are without a care nor your nights without a want and grief – and when they girdle your life, you will find freedom when you rise above them naked and unbound.

To me, that encapsulates what the internet as a whole has done to us, and what we must free ourselves from. I have never been more free in my life, and when I wake up now, I feel nothing but joy in my heart. Through all the pain and sorrow of my younger days, I am approaching 40 without alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, gaming, Netflix, my cell phone and everything else most of the world are slaves to. This is a new era, a new day, and tomorrow will be an even better one.

And in regards to friendships, Mr. Gibran shared this:

Let your best, be for your friend. For what is your friend that you seek with hours to kill? Seek them always with hours to live. For it is theirs to fill your need, not your emptiness. For the dew of the little things that the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

Try it for yourself. Do all your work, write all your emails, put an away message on your phone, and plan to take a “vacation” from the internet. Maybe go hang out with friends, see a movie, or just do what I did and stay at home with your TV and with yourself. I can’t tell you how alive I feel after those three days.

Oh and one more thing: even though I am writing this in this blog, Mr. Gibran shared this with me, to remind me to always stay humble:

A good deed that calls itself tender names becomes the parent to a curse.

I shall remember that, Mr. Gibran.

Stay tuned.


When You Break Someone’s Heart, Karma Will Definitely Find You


Did you ever break someone’s heart and pay for it later on in life? It may not be on purpose, or filled with malice, but Karma makes you pay anyway? I find it serendipitous, (my favorite word), that my ex-fiancé found me on Facebook and we reconnected just last night. Speaking to him offered a lot of introspection and reminiscing, which allowed contemplating my life as it is today, compared to where I have been.

We were young, Felix and I, just 18 and 19 years old – both not having finished high school. He was from the South Bronx, I was from Brooklyn, and let’s just say, we were both survivors because of the roughness of our neighborhoods. The years we shared were such happy ones, and on Valentine’s Day of 1999, he presented me with a beautiful heart-shaped engagement ring, that I still have even after 20 years, (shown above).

She has taken her damage, that ring, and spookily enough she is missing just one diamond, which I think represents the hole that Felix left in my heart when we parted ways. Oddly enough, I was the one who did the leaving, because due to pressures of having money and being a young man, Felix entered a life of crime and went to prison. I, in turn, moved on to much better things and a new relationship by the time he got released.

Which brings me to the serendipitous part. I happen to be somewhat of a superstitious person as well as being very devout. I believe, in my heart, that anything you put out into the Universe, your Karmic Aura, will impact the course of your life. However, I am a huge believer in Free Will, so whatever we do and whatever action we take impacts our destiny. This is the principle that I live by, and I will never follow the path of Tarot Cards and Psychic Readings, but what Felix told me yesterday shocked me to my core.

He told me of a Valentine’s Day sometime around 2002. He was out of prison for a while and I had been avoiding his phone calls for weeks. He decided to surprise me at my job with a bouquet of roses and waited by the side entrance of the building on that faithful day. What happened next was heartbreaking – there he stood with flowers and with a heavy heart he watched me come out of the side door with my current boyfriend at the time, extra happy, all smiles and holding hands. Felix told me that he just watched as I walked off and just dropped the flowers and cried. He said it was one of the most powerful emotional experiences of his life.

Needless to say, I cried myself to sleep last night. What Felix didn’t know was, the guy that he saw me with, destroyed the person that I was. Three years later, I tried to commit suicide over that relationship fallout and what followed was many, many years of darkness. It was a pivotal moment in my life and a heartbreak that I never recovered from.

I prayed last night, and told Felix that I was so very sorry for his heartbreak and so very sorry that I gave up on us because that’s exactly what I did. I was riding such a high back then, thinking that Felix was beneath me because he messed up; I was on some sort of ego trip because I landed a new corporate job and had a new cute boyfriend.

Through it all though, I realized that I absolutely paid for the pain I caused Felix, tenfold. Even now, after all this time, my heart still aches from the memories from those days. What I learned now though, and what I am going to bring to this blog, is all the strength and wisdom I’ve gained and the realization that those events are the reason for all my success today.

Life has shown me that perseverance and dedication are how you take hold of your destiny and that consequences are absolutely real. The Universe will always be fluid, with time, space and actions being constant.

Would I go back in time and work things out with Felix? Probably not. But I do know that I would go back and handle it better. I would at least give him the closure he needed instead of avoiding him to the point of that encounter, and his ultimate heartbreak. We had been through so much up to that point and hearing his words last night affected me a lot more than I expected.

Now though, we both have a second chance at a real friendship. He is married with kids, and I am happy in my almost 10-year relationship. I want nothing but the best for him and I know he wants the same for me.

So here I am today, on this new journey with you and I couldn’t be happier. We will laugh, cry and grow together and I am so glad to be here doing what I love.

And remember wherever you are and whatever you are struggling with, it is YOU who is in control, and YOU always have the power to change and make your life the best it can be no matter what you could have done in your past.

All you ultimately have to do is just:

“Make it so”.

~Captain Jean-Luc Picard

Stay Tuned.