Why I Still Struggle with My Outer Beauty

What does it feel like to look in the mirror in the morning and hate what you see? What does it feel like to think you’re the most disgusting person on the planet? This is me. No matter how much my husband tells me I’m beautiful I still suffer from low self-esteem that stems from within.

Where does this come from?

Why do we do this?

I think in recent years, it has become more acceptable for us to just hate yourselves. We aspire to reach these models of humans we see on tv and in videos, and not to mention all the crap that’s on social media. So, even though I have learned a lot of acceptance of myself over the years, I still struggle when I look in the mirror.

The fact is, I have never felt beautiful. Case in point, I tried to take a selfie today and was immediately disgusted with my picture that even the $179 I spent at Sephora couldn’t fix. And another case in point, lip gloss is now $40, what in the world is happening?

We live in a world where a billion-dollar rocket explodes, and everyone cheers. We live in a world calling yourself a “woman” can be offensive to someone. We live in a world where it is acceptable to beat yourself up for the sake of “appearances.”

I am frustrated with the world as well as myself.

I struggle with my outer beauty because everyone around me is more beautiful than me.

That’s the absolution that I have to accept.

Maybe one day I will feel differently,

God Willing.

Stay Tuned.

In Crisis – I Can’t Walk Away Because No One Else Ever Wanted Me.

Homeless adult male sitting in subway tunnel, hands on head

My self-esteem is at an all-time low. I have waited and dated miserably for over a decade for a man to come into my life who loves me completely – the only problem is he can’t beat his drug addiction.

I never wanted to date an addict – never – only because I know how hard that road is.  I had left my fiance when I was 19 due to his addiction and selling drugs, and I don’t know, it seemed easier to start over then. Everything seemed easier when I was younger. Now that I’m approaching 40, I have to say that dating had gotten so excruciatingly painful,  I honestly thought I would be spending the rest of my life alone. I don’t want to date, I don’t want to try, I don’t want to do anything anymore.

I really think I am falling into a depression. I am no prize either, I mean with my mental illness and my fat and ugly, pot-hole face and body, who the hell would want me? Am I going to stay in this relationship because I simply think I can’t get anybody else? I am so scared to be alone again that I am risking my overall mental health to be with this person. He can’t stop the drugs, I can’t stop loving him – two sides of this toxic coin that won’t stop spinning on the edge.

I feel like the whole world is rooting against me, I feel that God is punishing me for moving on from that ex-fiance whose heart I broke into a million pieces after he had gotten clean. What if I am not giving my current boyfriend the same chance I should have given that ex-fiance all those years ago? Is this a pattern that seems to have come full circle in my life?

I have been dying for love. My whole, damn life. I have never been loved like this before. Maybe it’s cause he’s an addict and is so desperate for love, that I find his desperation appealing. Maybe I am so damn desperate too, that I would believe anything he says.

I would love to walk away, say fuck it and let him deal with his own issues. But I can’t. I know things could be a whole lot worse because he could be an abuser, cheater or just downright misogynistic, but he’s not. He’s warm, loving, funny, and the man I want to marry, and who wants to marry me. But he can’t beat his addiction and my love isn’t enough. He just got out of rehab and hasn’t given himself a chance to be clean yet – they say it’s all about people, places and things, and I know his environment and the friends he hangs out with contributes to his weak resistance to his addiction.  I want to help him, I want to love him, but I feel so powerless that I can’t do anything for him.

Worst of all, I know everybody reading this will say, “just leave him,” like it’s the easiest thing in the world. It’s easy for ya’ll to judge me when you haven’t been in my shoes. I feel weak, pathetic and unworthy of a good man. I have been waiting my whole life to be loved the way he loves me, but unfortunately, he comes with his drug baggage that has destroyed my inner light inside.

I wish I could die.

This life is just too fucking hard.

Stay tuned.