Tag: rehab

After 10 Months in Jail and 14 Months in Rehab, I finally Graduated the Program

On By inspiredodysseyIn LifeLeave a comment

Today I am a success. I am at a pivotal time in my life where I am not quite free yet, but I am a lot closer to it than I was at the start of this thing. I still have to go to court in August to face a judge, but everything looks good so far. I just wanted to say to anyone that’s reading, that whatever you may be going through, life is how you choose to make it. I am buried in debt, living in a sober living house, minimum wage job, and I don’t know how I am going to eat tomorrow. My husband is still locked up, I miss him terribly and I cry almost every night because of loneliness.

But besides all that, when the crying stops, the miracle happens. I close my eyes, and for the first time in my life, I have a conversation with God. There was this amazing book series that came out ten years ago called, “Conversations with God,” and mainly in it, it’s just the guy having a conversation with his higher power. God is what we make Him to be, who we know Him to be, and let Him take charge. I surrendered two years ago in that jail cell, and my own personal conversations with God have been emotional, empowering and overall – healing.

These days, despite some things are upsetting, and I still cry at the tragedy of my life, I am so grateful, and I do all I can to help others around me. Maybe if things aren’t the way I like it yet, at least I’m not in jail anymore or rehab. Life is what we make it, like I said.

I just know that this was my purpose. I had to go through this so that my story and my experiences can help others. The selflessness that came with sobriety is the most surprising thing that happened through all of this. I am a woman of action today. I don’t think, I do. I move my ass. I don’t lay in bed all day watching Netflix like I used to just 5 years ago. There is a huge difference in existing versus living, and I have been existing for 40 long years.

These days I live.

And I do, not think. Like Yoda said.

Stay Tuned.

Jail, Institutions and Death

On By inspiredodysseyIn UncategorizedLeave a comment
To the Future

So, to anyone in recovery, we know those terms. I am in a rehab now, and on the rare opportunity that I have a chance to sit at a computer and write down my feelings, I’m going to take it. I’ve just been in jail, now I’m in another institution, I’ve been in so many mental hospitals, when does it end?

I had a good career, I have a husband, I relocated from New York to North Carolina during the pandemic; I thought this was it, my big break – but no, it was my downfall instead.

I am in this rehab, and everyday I want to leave. My sentence is 9 more months in this place and I want to die. I thought I would be able to make it here, but it’s hard. I want to go home. You guys don’t know how lucky you are to be able to blog and share – this was my outlet for so long, and now I have nothing to help me, really, through my struggles.

AA is helpful though. At first, the meetings were hard to stomach, a lot of sharing on topics that bored me; so much so that I would snore at meetings, (nice people tap me on my knee or shoulder to wake me up), but I think I am coming around to the whole idea of it. Will I attend meetings after I leave here? I honestly don’t know. Hell, I don’t even know how I am going to make it through my 4th step that I am working on with my sponsor.

Where do I go from here? Everyday is a girt I just want to regift back to God, I swear it’s true even though that may sound terrible. I am miserable in my skin. I didn’t want my life to turn out like this. My husband is in a mental hospital straight out of jail, I am in this rehab straight out of jail and it seems God deems to separate us for going on two years now. Hoe is this possible? I am grateful that I get to talk to him on the phone, and my parents did take me to visit him so I got a kiss. (YAY), but other than that, husband and wife are doomed apart for at least another year.

Jail, institutions and death – how close I have come to that last one this go around. I have always been on the outskirts – my crazy bipolar takes me just so far, but the crack and cocaine took me to jail. I am lucky to be alive after all that happened, all the poisons I put in my body, but I know for a fact that God has a purpose for me. What it is, and what it will be is hidden to me for now, but just for now. I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

Stay tuned.

The Turning Point – Recovery, Rehab, Choices, Mind Blowing Sex,Turmoil, and A Fresh New Start in a New State

On By inspiredodysseyIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

pink hear

What a title, right? To call the last two months, a lifetime of drama is an understatement. My relationship has been explosive, lustful, passionate, exquisitely painful, and mind-numbingly fluid in ways that have left every previous relationship a pile of dust in the wind. This man is a broken version of me from years ago, and all the worst parts that I see of myself. His addiction got him mandated into rehab, which I think is the best course of action for now. But there are elements to it that I am just not comfortable with.

He’s walked alone for a long time – alone in the streets, knee-deep in poverty, desperately hoping someone would love him. Then I came along, meeting him in the worst place you could possibly meet someone – the psych ward. Now, I know what you’re thinking, how could I make a relationship out of such chaos and dysfunction? Well, to be honest, my madness knows his madness like the man we all know who walked on water 2,000 years ago. I bring up that analogy because we both have a deep faith, we both have a strong passion and we both are exactly one year apart in age, (and one week apart in birthdays, how cool is it to find someone who is your zodiac sign?) This man knows the way my mind works, he once told me he loves the way my hip moves when I walk, the crookedness of my smile when I am sexy, the way my eyes widen when he fucks me, the way I sing my heart out at the same songs he knows – we are a match made in the stars, and I would be a fool to say I am going to walk away because he doesn’t his shit together yet – I frickin don’t have my shit together yet.

So would the analogy be my madness knows his madness, or does my failures know his failures, or do my inadequacies know his so well make sense? The last thing couples want to do is to relate to each other by their horrible qualities, but I think that kind of struggle and realness is necessary for the longevity of true love. I saw the rawness of him, and he saw the rawness of me from day one – we saw in each other all the things that people hide from each other in relationships, times ten.

Our relationship has been explosive. We have had painful fights and disappointments that would break up most couples. The fact is, though, we NEED each other. That kind of desperation is far from healthy, but that’s what we are. All of his dysfunction comes from his environment and his family, and since mine is moving down south, I think I am going to follow them and take him with me. I LOVE New York – I love everything about this city, and never in a million years would I have considered moving – but for him? I will drop everything and be gone tomorrow. I believe in this so much, I believe in him so much, that I can honestly say I can leave my whole world behind to start anew. A fresh start is what we both need badly because I think “people places and things” can also make or break a relationship.

And the sex is well – too good to even describe. I have heard stories about women who couldn’t orgasm from penetration, I was one of them – but with him – it’s earth-shattering orgasms with whatever he does. I never met a man who electrified my lust like him – and I have never had 4 or 5 orgasms in one night like it is with him. Is it true that crazy sex is the best sex on the planet? I am starting to think there is really something to that.

In all, I think the best thing for his recovery is a new environment – a new place where we can start over and build a life. I never thought I would ever leave New York – but to ensure my happiness with the man that I love? I am all for it.

Stay tuned.