inspiredodyssey daily prompt

The 5 EveryDay Things That Bring Me Happiness

Making my bed, taking a shower, (a must!), going for a walk or just going out, buying something for just me, (it could be very small for $1), and reaching out to friends, (companionship) – these are my happiness things for everyday living.

Reaching out to friends is huge for me, because I can’t stay isolated. The more I stay isolated, the more the “stinkin’ thinkin'” starts in my head. I need to connect to someone, listen to their problems, or just vent to them about what I am going through. I am fortunate enough to have my best friend, who I talk to every single night at the same time – we watch movies, shows and just talk and catch up about each other’s day. I also have been blessed with another good friend who is studying to be a therapist, so he has the best advice at how to handle things.

Going out for a walk or at least going out every day is also really important. It has become even more important since I have been dealing with my heartbreak, so I am not home pining for him. However, I stayed home today, and even though I wasn’t completely miserable, I was still checking my phone every 5 minutes for an email that doesn’t seem to come. Me and my ex have gotten closer over the past week or so – we’ve had sex 4 times, and at first, I had felt used by it, but after the other night, I have to realize that there is a bigger picture at work here. My ex has a lot he needs to do and accomplish; he is desperately trying to make a life for himself, and I am giving him the opportunity to work on himself and do just that. I can’t help that I am madly in love with him though, and he can’t resist the comfort of being with me. All I know is I am NO position to bring another man into this situation – he will get his heart broken, because I am still totally hung up on my ex. That’s why getting out every day has been critical to me keeping my sanity and not obsessing – these four walls close in really tight when you’re dealing with heartache.

Making my bed and taking a shower are two very essential things that bring me happiness. I think making my bed every day is a huge accomplishment – it makes me feel like I am ready for the day, and productive. Taking a shower is also another one like that – people don’t realize how important it is to take care of yourself and feel refreshed. I know in my depression; I used to skip days, and I would feel even worse about myself.

The final thing is buying something for myself, (even if it costs $1). I think that’s very important. I used to treat myself to a meal every day, but that got pricey, but if I get something small, maybe like a candy, just something to make me feel good that wasn’t a complete necessity, I will feel really good for the rest of the day.

I need to do these things every day to bring myself happiness, because I know I will drown in depression if I don’t. This thing with my ex is so difficult. He gives in to me some days, and then I don’t hear from him on others. I know this is what we both have to do – my path is leading me to God – the work I have to do is deeply involved in my community and my church, and by my ex doing this and taking care of his own life, I am able to focus on the things I need to do in mine. There are so many obstacles in both of our paths right now, but the two nights of passion I spent with him over the past two weeks proves how much we both still love and need each other. I can’t help being so in love with him, and he can’t help that his life needs fixing.

If I have to sacrifice being in love, then at least I can make myself feel happy every day.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What are 5 everyday things that bring you happiness?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

One Positive Change – I Choose Not to Drink Today

Out of any of the accomplishments I have ever had, this is the one that has been the most impactful on my life. I can’t tell you enough what it is like to be free from alcohol. Drugs were never my thing, but I did do drugs with my ex-husband, and it completely took over his life and changed him completely. It ultimately led to me leaving him, and from what I hear now, he is locked away in a psych ward somewhere – permanently.

I choose not to drink – not an easy feat. A lot of people have trouble with this because drinking is just so social and easy to slip into. But then, after a few social occasions, drinking can bring you to a dark place – a place where you find yourself recoiling from others and drinking alone. Then starts the obsession, day trips to the liquor store just when they open and then spiraling down into alcoholism. This is the place I was for 15 years – add on bipolar disorder and a trip to psych ward the same time every year – I was a prisoner of this disease with no way out.

It took extreme circumstances to get me out. I went to jail, was homeless, went to rehab, and was in sober living for nearly three years of ongoing craziness, trying to find my place in the world. Through all of that, I was sober and took a hard look at myself. My amazing parents did move here from New York to help me, but they refused to take me in when I was homeless, and it was the best thing they ever did for me. It allowed God to step in and allow me to move to my small, quiet North Carolina town where I have found community with so many amazing people.

God took the urge from me completely – I was a morning drinker – emptying half a Snapple every morning and filling the other half with vodka to get on the train and go to work every single morning for years because I was just drowning in my misery and not taking care of myself. Today, I take good care of my body and health, take my medicine and give back to the world in every way I can – a far cry from the person I used to be.

Today, I am happy, joyous and free – (despite a little heartbreak), which is one of the promises of AA.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
Describe one positive change you have made in your life.
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Positivity and Kindness – Unique in the World Today

Is it me or are people just getting angrier and angrier? Angry at prices, angry at the world, angry at the president, or just mad about everything? I am yet to see a positive news article or a news broadcast of hope. Gone are the days where the last 10 or 15 minutes of a news show were dedicated to some positive story in a neighborhood or city – now it all seems to enflame the anger that is consuming everyone.

These days, it seems it is unique to walk around with a smile. It is unique to promote positivity and actually get followers. I hate to have such a pessimistic attitude towards things, but when this week’s daily prompt asked about aspects of a unique person, all I can think of is how rare it is to see positive attitudes and kindness among people today. Is it the NYC girl in me that thinks so? It is no mystery that NYC is a tough city to live in – I know because it’s where I grew up and the loneliest I have ever felt in all my life. I think it was the lack of kindness I faced. People weren’t smiling a lot, and people weren’t really that friendly. It could have also been the sour mood I was always in, (I don’t want to blame NYC completely).

Moving to North Carolina has changed things. Now I see this “uniqueness” in everyone. Friendlier faces, happier attitudes, and just a different overall outlook on life. Growing in my church has also helped that. I don’t think it would have been the same welcoming of a Muslim into a Catholic church in NYC – I don’t know why I think so, but I do. Something is different about the land I live in now, even the air and water. Taking a large breath air outside is a lot different than it was in NYC – that same breath of fresh air can be said about the people here. It also might be that there is a lot less pressure on people here too – more resources, more community and honestly a lot less potholes, (I don’t know about you, but slamming into one of those bad boys can ruin an entire day).

I will say this though – positive attitudes and kindness are the easiest things to have if you have a different way of life. I know because that sour mood I was always in really changed when I moved here. Maybe there is some truth to “how you live, and act depends on where you are.”

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
Which aspects do you think makes a person unique?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Loving this Spring

My favorite type of weather is Fall, but I am definitely loving this Spring. Warm days, cool nights with the windows open, definitely some good memories to be made. I have had a couple of wonderful days, (except with a feeling of guilt last night for committing sin), but I think my days of fearing punishment are long behind me.

I love it when it is around 70 degrees. I feel like it’s the perfect temperature, with the smell of rain in the air. It is a fresh smell, a welcoming smell. Fall is my favorite season, but after the events of last Fall I have to rethink that. Usually, it’s Spring, and around Easter that send me straight to the hospital, but last year took a different turn of events. I am also feeling less guilty about my ex-boyfriend. His emails are getting less and less, which is leading me to believe that he is starting to fade me out of his life. It is my worst fear, but I am not going to sit around and let it destroy my life. I am out doing things, especially things like going to the gym again, which I am really proud of myself for. The only thing left is to fix my eating habits, so I can actually lose weight, but either way I am really proud. I have also started going to my AA meetings again, which it is really important to me. I have had a couple of really good days, and as the days count down to Easter, I am hopeful for the future.

I think about my ex often, I still think there is a future for us. God led him to me, I know He did. I had never met a Catholic man before, and what I learned from him and the Church, it has propelled me in this direction toward my faith. It is an exciting time, where I will be converting from being raised Muslim, to a fully baptized Catholic. So much has gone into this = from jail and homelessness to a profound rebirth. I am grateful, and most of all I will hold onto the love I shared with my ex, and hope that one day he comes around. In the meantime, I will focus on myself, my faith, and my future.

Daily writing prompt
What is your favorite type of weather?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt, Uncategorized

Getting Lost in an Adventure

Don’t you miss the days where hours and hours got lost in imagination? I try my best to recapture them by finding activities that I can lose myself in. Reading an actual book is one of them. I have a Kindle, but I don’t think it’s the same at all. There is nothing like curling up on your couch during a thunderstorm and getting lost in a world of fantasy and adventure, (lately for me, it’s been a sci-fi interstellar world).

Getting lost in hobbies is the best way to connect to a time past that we want to remember or relive. When I was younger, my imagination used to take me to far off lands and places I haven’t thought about in years. I think that’s one of the reasons why I collect action figures and dolls. I didn’t have a lot of toys growing up, and there are so many cool action figures from TV shows and movies from the 80s and 90s, I couldn’t help but become addicted.

One of the coolest and best things my ex-boyfriend did for me, (I am still trying to win him back), is get me a hard drive with all the cartoons and movies from my childhood. I get lost in movies so much with my imagination that it was the nicest and most thoughtful things anyone has ever gotten me. He didn’t leave anything out either, down to Galaxy Quest, every Star Trek and Disney’s Ducktales, Rescue Rangers, and many, many more. He was such a good man, and I am currently in the process of trying my best to ease his heart after my last crazy manic episode.

So, whatever it is that brings you joy that you can get lost in, whether it be a hike through a mountain path, a walk on the beach with your best friend, or an adventure you can get lost in at home, remember to treat yourself. We only have one life to live, might as make it as memorable and fantastic as possible.

Daily writing prompt
What activities do you lose yourself in?
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inspiredodyssey Featured

Never Stop Learning

Today’s most important lesson: Learning to Love oneself. I have a hard time with this one because of how much negativity surrounds my sense of self and being. Being sober now almost 4 years, I have learned to take great pride in myself and accomplishments. Acts of self-love are truly necessary – the manicures, pedicures, taking myself out on a date – these are all things that has helped me understand how truly special I am.

Falling in love with yourself is a gift, one I don’t take lightly or take for granted. It is important to do acts of love for yourself, even if it is in a small way on a daily basis. Having a clean apartment, or room, is an act of love that most people don’t even think about. An environment of cleanliness can boost one’s mood and invokes a sense of accomplishment which shows how much your love yourself. Cooking a healthy meal out of love for your body is also very important. Positive reinforcement, (having loving notes to yourself on the fridge), can make you feel good about yourself every time you see it. These are all learned behaviors that take time and practice to implement, but the repetitiveness of it can yield positive results.

Never forget that with all the negativity around us, it is up to us to make a positive bubble of our sense of self to keep us happy. Outside influences are fleeting because inner strength comes with a lot of self-reflection and work. I am guilty of not following these principles because I let people, places and things affect my inner joy – I need to be stronger in my self-conviction if I ever want to achieve true happiness.

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What is the last thing you learned?
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inspiredodyssey bipolar, daily prompt

Trying to Think Positive, Not Negative

This is one of the hardest things I think most people struggle with. If something happens in your life that draws a black cloud over your head, you tend to dwell and focus on it until it ruins your entire day. I have this habit. Things haven’t been going well for me and my ex-boyfriend. We had been emailing each other because that’s the only mode of communication he was comfortable with, well it looks like he might have put a stop to that as well.

I am heartbroken, distraught and thinking irrationally. My heart is full of negative feelings, and I am trying to find ways to cope with it. Exercise would be helpful if I had the motivation to go and exercise. Praying has been helpful because it’s the season of Lent and I feel I should be focusing on God more rather than my relationship woes. But writing, that has been the winner so far, along with acceptance.

I have to accept things the way they are. He is in another state, and he is being honest with his feelings. He could have just ghosted me and ended things that way, but he chose to open up communication with me. He might be ghosting me now though, because I think he is tired of me always saying that I miss him and that I love him. I know I deserve better, but my heart is in a freefall over this man. I am so fearful that I am going to spend the next 10 years alone again like I was before.

But again, that’s negative thinking. The way I am getting through this is simple: gratitude. I have SO much to be grateful for. I have a way to make money, I have a very nice apartment, and a nice car, but I hate that this manic episode made me lose so much, including him, but that can’t be helped, and I can’t take it back. I hate my illness I truly do, but this is what God gave me, and I have to deal with it. I almost feel punished in a way – like God gave me this illness, he made me fat and ugly, the list goes on and on. I feel so bad about myself, and it’s not getting any better. I wish I could change things, but it is what it is. All I can hope for is a better tomorrow.

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What strategies do you use to cope with negative feelings?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

If I didn’t Know Failure, I Wouldn’t Know Success

Of all the steps back, I have taken in my life, none of them would have prepared me for what was ahead in life. I have faced jails, institutions, and certain death through addiction and mental illness, that I never thought I would be where I am at today. Failure is the catalyst that drives us forward; it’s almost religious in a way – the way I’ve seen God is to be shown the Devil. If I hadn’t fallen down as hard as I did, I would have not been able to find my way forward.

In November of last year, I suffered a really bad manic episode. It was totally my fault; I had stopped taking a crucial medication at the advice of my doctor because I was feeling better. This led to three trips to the hospital, back-to-back, where I ended up losing my boyfriend, my job, and my self respect. I was mourning the loss of these things for months, when I realized that it was God who was testing me, it was needed to push me to propel me forward. I am still mourning my relationship – I miss my boyfriend terribly, but God has allowed us to stay in communication helping me build what was broken. I managed to keep my apartment, and my car is still working beautifully, and even though my savings became depleted, I have been able to slowly build back what was lost.

I had another setback with that manic episode where I had called my ex-mother-in-law and told her some not so nice things. She turned around and threatened to have me investigated for the time I was a payee for her son. I loved her son so much, and I kept his money safe and did whatever he asked me to do with it, but it still scared me because no one has gone after me that way before – again another failure in a relationship that I am mourning, but the success is I won’t let her put fear in my heart. Her son destroyed my life – putting the crack pipe in my mouth, stealing my car, and getting us both in jail – I did so much for him and gave my all to him, it’s almost a slap in the face to be honest.

But through all these mishaps and failures, I have found success. I am almost 4 years sober; I am still living the best life I could possibly live, and I have friends and family in my life I never had. Nothing could have prepared me for the setbacks in life, but that’s what life is isn’t it? Life is a series of ups and downs and unexpected events that can derail even the most secured plan – and even though I was flying high in November and on top of the world, something, some force, deemed to knock me off that high pedestal with a lesson in mind. The adventure now, is finding out what that lesson is and learning from it.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
How has a failure, or apparent failure, set you up for later success?
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inspiredodyssey bipolar

Life Lessons

It is no secret that bipolar disorder is also known as “The Silent Killer,” because silently, it has the power to erupt and destroy everything in your life. This has happened to me numerous times in my life, but nothing prepared me for what I was about to lose this time around. I suffered so much, and there are still nights where I am crying myself to sleep. The shock to my system, the utter despair of yet another episode of mania in which my sense of reality was completely lost from me.

The worst part is getting over the medicine, all the medicine, that was pumped into my system to bring back down to “Earth.” It has sparked a very severe depression in which I am fighting every day to get rid of. Bipolar is hard, and so is the depressive side – the manic side may be all fun and games, but when you are slammed back down to Earth, you can surely feel it.

The upside of all of this is that I am incredibly fortunate and blessed. The wonderful people at my AA group are still supportive and welcoming, my friends at church are still there with open arms welcoming me at baptism on Easter, my amazing friends in and out of recovery have been wonderful, my amazing mom and dad who gave up everything to help me yet again are still incredible – and of course the wonderful man who I had once called my boyfriend is still at least emailing me.

So even though I feel so much loss, especially with the amazing accounting job I had, I feel so grateful that I still have my amazing apartment, my resilient car, and everything I had before this setback. That’s what I have to call it, just a setback. Jesus tells me that He saved me to serve a higher purpose. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to have a fancy job, maybe my time and energy is supposed to be giving back to the community – going back and volunteering with Recovery Alive, going back to Raleigh and teaching job readiness classes to felons just leaving prison, joining the Legions of Mary and giving the eucharist to those suffering and in need. My mind is on a different path now, on a different mission, and now that my disability is justified, I will be living a minimalist life now just making quick cash on the side doing a side gig – the dream of a career is on the back burner – I realize that I am needed in so many more ways than I am limiting myself.

I am hopeful for the future. I am hopeful for a world ahead of me that is going to hear my voice, to hear the tales of jail, addiction, and possible death, and despite this setback of bipolarness, I am still striving forward.

Here’s to the future!

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey bipolar

Remarkable Strides

Sometimes in life we don’t understand why we are called to a purpose. I am trying today to understand all the chaos in my head. Is it Jesus who speaks to me? Or is it my bipolar disorder and I am knee deep in mania? I am going to follow this rabbit hole. Alice followed the rabbit – so here I go.

Understanding mental illness is very difficult. For years, I never understood Jesus’s calling. He calls to me. He speaks to me. When I was crawling on the floor of the psych ward year after year every Easter for 15 years, He kept saying, “take on the demons Lynn, you need to show them the Devil, so they can understand God.” Emily Rose – that was her name. Read her story or watch her movie. It is important that we understand that in today’s world, we think we can remedy it all with Ozempic to lose weight really, really fast, then diagnosis people with diabetes in order for the insurance to pay for it. We give people Haldol, Seroquel, Trazadone, Risperdal, Adderall, Lexapro (the culprit that took me out for 20 years), and we think it will solve the chaos of the mind and soul. But it is a battle. A battle we have to fight every day between Good and Evil.

I was driving to get my new best friend, (who I have only met once), and take her to an AA meeting today because she really needed it. I was calling her and calling her because I am driving into a neighborhood of my town that I do not know, and this NYC girl feels really out of sorts out here in the country, lol. When I got to a stoplight, I got distracted by something, I don’t know what but became really disoriented and cut in front of someone by mistake when I made the right turn at the red light. He/She honked at me really loudly and then passed me – I immediately slammed on my gas pedal, and pushed my beloved little Corolla, which I immediately regretted, (be nice to your cars they love you), and pursued this person in rage who honked at me. Then I slowed and realized my friend wasn’t answering her phone. Who is this girl anyway? Do I really know her? Am I walking into something unsafe? The thoughts started coming – “she’s going to set you up” “you’re going to die” so I turned around at a gas station and started driving in the other direction towards the meeting. She texted and let me know she was waiting, and when I called her, she said she was in the shower and didn’t realize her phone was ringing and ringing with my frantic manic calls of utter nonsense and hysteria of “doom.” Once I heard her sweet voice though, I knew I wasn’t in danger, and immediately went to pick her up. It wasn’t easy though. Google Maps, and I swear on the life of me I AM going to do something about Google, kept redirecting me all over the place so I couldn’t get directions to her house. It froze, went into “preview” mode, did all kinds of bullshit for about 5 minutes, when I finally tricked it into taking me where I needed to go.

Was that all craziness? Or was it real?

One can question what is real and what isn’t. Reality isn’t what we think it is, at all. It really isn’t, and they lock people up in all kinds of psych wards just because they are warriors for God, and they are just trying to save us.

Crazy thoughts run amuck can change the face of the world, especially the entire nation in which we live. My amazing boyfriend helps me through all of this with his utter kindness and gentleness. My ex-husband is currently committed in a state hospital in New York. We wonder about the people in our lives and how they think about us. This girl wasn’t trying to set me up – she is the kindest, dearest, sweetest person I have ever met, and we have so much in common. I invited her to my house to hang out and talk after the meeting and we had such an amazing afternoon, and we plan on spending lots more time together. I acquired a brand-new best friend today! And imagine, if I would have let those crazy thoughts stop me, I would have stood her up, and she wouldn’t have had a ride to the AA meeting today, which we both desperately needed. I desperately need AA every day, it’s a fact. Addiction and mental illness crippled my soul, but Jesus set me free.

Stay tuned.