inspiredodyssey love

This Man Lights a Fire in Me

I remember the night of sex with my ex-husband, that was so orgasmic, I never thought anyone would match. But with Mr. California, my legs can’t stop squirming on a daily basis. Tonight was one of those nights. I just was on the couch talking to him, imagining what it would be like if he was on my couch with me, (we were trying to watch some really cool Justice League cartoons and a really good Stargate SG1 episode), but in between commercials, there was so much heavy flirting and teasing, I was dying for him so much.

This new chapter in our relationship is an interesting one. In the beginning, it was just as explosive, probably more so, because he was so openly in love with me and couldn’t contain how much he wanted me – marriage was even mentioned. Since then, through all the trials and tribulations, the heartache and pain we caused each other, the need and the chaos, the forgiveness, and desperation, we have come to this sort of compromised state. I am still blocked, and I know why I am; I lost that privilege when I showed him the real meaning of crazy. He said he would unblock me eventually, but I honestly feel a bit at peace with it. I leave him voicemails filled with prayers and love, and emails full of teasing and want. His calls come regularly and nightly, and to some that may seem incredibly unfair – even he said it all feels uneven, but to me I love him so much that I will take him in whatever form he is willing to give me.

This opportunity of freedom gives me the chance to go out and be in the world. I saw my bestie in Raleigh today, then my sci-fi friend, then took a nice drive to my parent’s house while they are out of town to take care of the property. The drive brought on tears, revelations, eighties music with thoughts of him, adventures I fantasized about and the realization that this exactly where God wants me right now. Everything that led up to this beautiful day, is the place and the duty that I was given since the floor of that jail cell, where I promised Jesus that I would never drink again, and join the church he founded by his apostles. Since that promise, I lost my husband, was homeless, lived with so many dramatic women in sober houses before finally finding my own place, then met Mr. California when I absolutely wasn’t looking and definitely didn’t expect to fall in love so hard and so deeply.

I don’t know what lays before me, but since taking my vows to Legion of Mary, and my promise to Christ to do his work and pursue a jail ministry, preaching God and sobriety, I think I am in the exact right place at the exact right time.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Serendipitous – My Favorite Word

I think it’s been my favorite word since I saw “Serendipity” (2001) with John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale. It simply means “happy chance, but can be interpreted as a form of fate or destiny”, something I have always believed in since I was a little girl. Many can argue that we make our own fate – as Sarah Conner showed us in Terminator 2: Judgement Day, but do we really? Are we really in control of our own destinies? What part does God play in all of that? When people say it’s in “God’s Time” or trust God’s plan, is that intertwined with fate as well?

Such big questions. I think serendipitous describes a lot of what transpired in my life between 2019 and now. I met my ex-husband in a psych ward, and the ride we went on through madness, drugs, chaos, incarceration and homelessness, taught me that no matter how much we try and force the hand of fate and bend it to our will, our actions and the deeds we do, directly result in what ultimately happens to us. It is said that angels are jealous of us because we have “free will”, God’s greatest gift to us. But is our will really free? Are the things that happen to us due to our many choices just all random, and not our destiny?

I think about that in terms of Mr. California. I write and think about him a lot these days, mainly because of how much in love with him I am. Was it serendipitous that we met? Did the long nights of tears over my ex-husband, pain and anguish I felt finally break because fate intervened? What made Mr. California message me that one January night? Why did I answer? I will never forget his first message to me – just something simple like “I am sorry you’re hurting, I hope you are able to sleep.” I don’t even know why I answered. but I did, and the heartbreak and grief that I had been feeling for months was lifted into the dramatic love affair that I was suddenly swept up in.

The problem with all of this is, I never got a chance to be single. I never knew what it was like to be completely on my own, feel all the feelings of solitude, loneliness, and singledom. I never got to really enjoy my apartment and all the freedoms that come with it. But, again, in a serendipitous twist that felt like fate, I was hospitalized so traumatically that it broke whatever relationship me and Mr. California had, bringing us to where we are now. These days, I am on my own a lot – there aren’t any more texts, and calls during the day – it is just me out in the world, rediscovering who I am, remembering how much I wanted to be free for so many years, practicing my faith in all ways that I can, and learning to love who I am – all without chasing after a man. I still enjoy my nightly calls with him, and there is lots of fun, laughs and sex, but not on the terms they were on before. This time it’s different, more shaky, more woven in the ways of rebuilding a foundation of what once was.

This is serendipitous new ground. The kind that God wants me to see. And yes, I have my free will – I always did, but the thread of my life that hangs in the balance is no longer dependent on the love of a man, but the love that I have for myself.

Daily writing prompt
What’s your favorite word?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Heartbreak – A Vicious Cycle

Today’s prompt asks, “what am I feeling right now”? Ultimate Heartbreak is the best answer. I am in love with a man that loved me so much once, one that helped get over the loss of my husband, one who promised to love and take care of me, but who now gaslights me and breadcrumbs me with scraps like a dog. I can’t express the pain of what I feel – by not having the strength to let go of someone who longer loves me, who is left begging every night with emails and voicemails, only to go to sleep heartbroken with a pillow full of tears. He still calls me, and keeps in contact with me, but only at the bare minimum. When I say it’s like he treats me like a dog he’s giving scraps to, it’s not an exaggeration at all. Everyone says, “just block him and move on,” but don’t you think if it was that easy, I would have done it already?

I am too worthless to break free. Today I am going to Confession and tell Father that my heartbreak is taking me away from God. I know God has plans for me that I can’t see or understand, but I know He wouldn’t want me living my life this way. I spent so long in darkness when I lived in NY, and now to do a repeat of those dark years finally living on my own seems so sad and is no way to live. Why do I put my value and worth on what a man thinks of me or feels for me? Can I not learn to live alone and enjoy my freedom and independence?

It is noon on a Saturday, and I have a whole day ahead of me. My best friend usually spends his whole day watching TV, I am starting to learn something from him- I currently have been reminiscing with Xena: Warrior Princess and will probably read some of my Star Wars book later. You know, I don’t have pressure, I don’t have stress, all my needs are met, and I have a mom and dad that love me and sacrificed everything for me. Why can’t I just be grateful? Why did I let this man come into my life and destroy me in such a way? My ex-husband was so toxic and basically destroyed my life, and now I am headed down a similar path in all my self-destruction. I want to look back on this and remember that I have been given all the opportunities in the world to enjoy my life, but I choose to stay wallowing in pain.

I don’t want to live like this anymore.

This is my cry for help.

Please make it stop.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
How are you feeling right now?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Leaving Behind a Legacy of Service

Today’s prompt was asking what Legacy I want to leave behind. The answer is simply the service I can give to others. Being in AA and now the Legion of Mary, I have come to feel the rewards of a new life that used to be crowded with selfishness. I was always selfish, so self-absorbed in my own life and worries, I never thought about others or the impact I could have on their lives. Now, I believe, when people think of me, I want them to remember someone who gave back to their community, as someone who helped those in need, and most of all helped those suffering in addiction.

People can argue the existence of God till their blue in the face, but nothing can take what the feeling is like to know that God, what I call my higher power, took away my addition to alcohol. It is nothing short of a miracle, especially as someone who was a chronic morning drinker; someone who’s first thought as soon as I woke up was to take a drink. It was all-consuming, all the time, and it ruined my life and all my relationships. Only in surrendering to God, or to me Jesus Himself, was where I learned redemption and what my true purpose was.

As I move forward in life, I am meeting a lot of people who struggle with that same strife that I was able to leave behind. I guide them through the 12 Steps, I give them rides to meetings, and I help them understand that there is a life beyond the dark corners of addiction. In addition to that, I am very devout in my church, serving the community by visiting elderly couples, nursing homes, and delivering the Eucharist to those not able to attend mass. It is the most rewarding experience of my life, and I hope that once I pass the probationary period of my Legion, I will be ordained as a Eucharistic minister, and I could deliver the Host myself.

This is the legacy I want to leave behind. One of service, one of love, and one of duty to my community. From the floor of a jail cell to homelessness on the streets, I have been delivered through the Grace of God to do this work out of gratitude of saving me, saving my soul, and saving my family.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

The 5 EveryDay Things That Bring Me Happiness

Making my bed, taking a shower, (a must!), going for a walk or just going out, buying something for just me, (it could be very small for $1), and reaching out to friends, (companionship) – these are my happiness things for everyday living.

Reaching out to friends is huge for me, because I can’t stay isolated. The more I stay isolated, the more the “stinkin’ thinkin'” starts in my head. I need to connect to someone, listen to their problems, or just vent to them about what I am going through. I am fortunate enough to have my best friend, who I talk to every single night at the same time – we watch movies, shows and just talk and catch up about each other’s day. I also have been blessed with another good friend who is studying to be a therapist, so he has the best advice at how to handle things.

Going out for a walk or at least going out every day is also really important. It has become even more important since I have been dealing with my heartbreak, so I am not home pining for him. However, I stayed home today, and even though I wasn’t completely miserable, I was still checking my phone every 5 minutes for an email that doesn’t seem to come. Me and my ex have gotten closer over the past week or so – we’ve had sex 4 times, and at first, I had felt used by it, but after the other night, I have to realize that there is a bigger picture at work here. My ex has a lot he needs to do and accomplish; he is desperately trying to make a life for himself, and I am giving him the opportunity to work on himself and do just that. I can’t help that I am madly in love with him though, and he can’t resist the comfort of being with me. All I know is I am NO position to bring another man into this situation – he will get his heart broken, because I am still totally hung up on my ex. That’s why getting out every day has been critical to me keeping my sanity and not obsessing – these four walls close in really tight when you’re dealing with heartache.

Making my bed and taking a shower are two very essential things that bring me happiness. I think making my bed every day is a huge accomplishment – it makes me feel like I am ready for the day, and productive. Taking a shower is also another one like that – people don’t realize how important it is to take care of yourself and feel refreshed. I know in my depression; I used to skip days, and I would feel even worse about myself.

The final thing is buying something for myself, (even if it costs $1). I think that’s very important. I used to treat myself to a meal every day, but that got pricey, but if I get something small, maybe like a candy, just something to make me feel good that wasn’t a complete necessity, I will feel really good for the rest of the day.

I need to do these things every day to bring myself happiness, because I know I will drown in depression if I don’t. This thing with my ex is so difficult. He gives in to me some days, and then I don’t hear from him on others. I know this is what we both have to do – my path is leading me to God – the work I have to do is deeply involved in my community and my church, and by my ex doing this and taking care of his own life, I am able to focus on the things I need to do in mine. There are so many obstacles in both of our paths right now, but the two nights of passion I spent with him over the past two weeks proves how much we both still love and need each other. I can’t help being so in love with him, and he can’t help that his life needs fixing.

If I have to sacrifice being in love, then at least I can make myself feel happy every day.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What are 5 everyday things that bring you happiness?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

One Positive Change – I Choose Not to Drink Today

Out of any of the accomplishments I have ever had, this is the one that has been the most impactful on my life. I can’t tell you enough what it is like to be free from alcohol. Drugs were never my thing, but I did do drugs with my ex-husband, and it completely took over his life and changed him completely. It ultimately led to me leaving him, and from what I hear now, he is locked away in a psych ward somewhere – permanently.

I choose not to drink – not an easy feat. A lot of people have trouble with this because drinking is just so social and easy to slip into. But then, after a few social occasions, drinking can bring you to a dark place – a place where you find yourself recoiling from others and drinking alone. Then starts the obsession, day trips to the liquor store just when they open and then spiraling down into alcoholism. This is the place I was for 15 years – add on bipolar disorder and a trip to psych ward the same time every year – I was a prisoner of this disease with no way out.

It took extreme circumstances to get me out. I went to jail, was homeless, went to rehab, and was in sober living for nearly three years of ongoing craziness, trying to find my place in the world. Through all of that, I was sober and took a hard look at myself. My amazing parents did move here from New York to help me, but they refused to take me in when I was homeless, and it was the best thing they ever did for me. It allowed God to step in and allow me to move to my small, quiet North Carolina town where I have found community with so many amazing people.

God took the urge from me completely – I was a morning drinker – emptying half a Snapple every morning and filling the other half with vodka to get on the train and go to work every single morning for years because I was just drowning in my misery and not taking care of myself. Today, I take good care of my body and health, take my medicine and give back to the world in every way I can – a far cry from the person I used to be.

Today, I am happy, joyous and free – (despite a little heartbreak), which is one of the promises of AA.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
Describe one positive change you have made in your life.
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Positivity and Kindness – Unique in the World Today

Is it me or are people just getting angrier and angrier? Angry at prices, angry at the world, angry at the president, or just mad about everything? I am yet to see a positive news article or a news broadcast of hope. Gone are the days where the last 10 or 15 minutes of a news show were dedicated to some positive story in a neighborhood or city – now it all seems to enflame the anger that is consuming everyone.

These days, it seems it is unique to walk around with a smile. It is unique to promote positivity and actually get followers. I hate to have such a pessimistic attitude towards things, but when this week’s daily prompt asked about aspects of a unique person, all I can think of is how rare it is to see positive attitudes and kindness among people today. Is it the NYC girl in me that thinks so? It is no mystery that NYC is a tough city to live in – I know because it’s where I grew up and the loneliest I have ever felt in all my life. I think it was the lack of kindness I faced. People weren’t smiling a lot, and people weren’t really that friendly. It could have also been the sour mood I was always in, (I don’t want to blame NYC completely).

Moving to North Carolina has changed things. Now I see this “uniqueness” in everyone. Friendlier faces, happier attitudes, and just a different overall outlook on life. Growing in my church has also helped that. I don’t think it would have been the same welcoming of a Muslim into a Catholic church in NYC – I don’t know why I think so, but I do. Something is different about the land I live in now, even the air and water. Taking a large breath air outside is a lot different than it was in NYC – that same breath of fresh air can be said about the people here. It also might be that there is a lot less pressure on people here too – more resources, more community and honestly a lot less potholes, (I don’t know about you, but slamming into one of those bad boys can ruin an entire day).

I will say this though – positive attitudes and kindness are the easiest things to have if you have a different way of life. I know because that sour mood I was always in really changed when I moved here. Maybe there is some truth to “how you live, and act depends on where you are.”

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
Which aspects do you think makes a person unique?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Loving this Spring

My favorite type of weather is Fall, but I am definitely loving this Spring. Warm days, cool nights with the windows open, definitely some good memories to be made. I have had a couple of wonderful days, (except with a feeling of guilt last night for committing sin), but I think my days of fearing punishment are long behind me.

I love it when it is around 70 degrees. I feel like it’s the perfect temperature, with the smell of rain in the air. It is a fresh smell, a welcoming smell. Fall is my favorite season, but after the events of last Fall I have to rethink that. Usually, it’s Spring, and around Easter that send me straight to the hospital, but last year took a different turn of events. I am also feeling less guilty about my ex-boyfriend. His emails are getting less and less, which is leading me to believe that he is starting to fade me out of his life. It is my worst fear, but I am not going to sit around and let it destroy my life. I am out doing things, especially things like going to the gym again, which I am really proud of myself for. The only thing left is to fix my eating habits, so I can actually lose weight, but either way I am really proud. I have also started going to my AA meetings again, which it is really important to me. I have had a couple of really good days, and as the days count down to Easter, I am hopeful for the future.

I think about my ex often, I still think there is a future for us. God led him to me, I know He did. I had never met a Catholic man before, and what I learned from him and the Church, it has propelled me in this direction toward my faith. It is an exciting time, where I will be converting from being raised Muslim, to a fully baptized Catholic. So much has gone into this = from jail and homelessness to a profound rebirth. I am grateful, and most of all I will hold onto the love I shared with my ex, and hope that one day he comes around. In the meantime, I will focus on myself, my faith, and my future.

Daily writing prompt
What is your favorite type of weather?
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inspiredodyssey bipolar, daily prompt

Trying to Think Positive, Not Negative

This is one of the hardest things I think most people struggle with. If something happens in your life that draws a black cloud over your head, you tend to dwell and focus on it until it ruins your entire day. I have this habit. Things haven’t been going well for me and my ex-boyfriend. We had been emailing each other because that’s the only mode of communication he was comfortable with, well it looks like he might have put a stop to that as well.

I am heartbroken, distraught and thinking irrationally. My heart is full of negative feelings, and I am trying to find ways to cope with it. Exercise would be helpful if I had the motivation to go and exercise. Praying has been helpful because it’s the season of Lent and I feel I should be focusing on God more rather than my relationship woes. But writing, that has been the winner so far, along with acceptance.

I have to accept things the way they are. He is in another state, and he is being honest with his feelings. He could have just ghosted me and ended things that way, but he chose to open up communication with me. He might be ghosting me now though, because I think he is tired of me always saying that I miss him and that I love him. I know I deserve better, but my heart is in a freefall over this man. I am so fearful that I am going to spend the next 10 years alone again like I was before.

But again, that’s negative thinking. The way I am getting through this is simple: gratitude. I have SO much to be grateful for. I have a way to make money, I have a very nice apartment, and a nice car, but I hate that this manic episode made me lose so much, including him, but that can’t be helped, and I can’t take it back. I hate my illness I truly do, but this is what God gave me, and I have to deal with it. I almost feel punished in a way – like God gave me this illness, he made me fat and ugly, the list goes on and on. I feel so bad about myself, and it’s not getting any better. I wish I could change things, but it is what it is. All I can hope for is a better tomorrow.

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What strategies do you use to cope with negative feelings?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

If I didn’t Know Failure, I Wouldn’t Know Success

Of all the steps back, I have taken in my life, none of them would have prepared me for what was ahead in life. I have faced jails, institutions, and certain death through addiction and mental illness, that I never thought I would be where I am at today. Failure is the catalyst that drives us forward; it’s almost religious in a way – the way I’ve seen God is to be shown the Devil. If I hadn’t fallen down as hard as I did, I would have not been able to find my way forward.

In November of last year, I suffered a really bad manic episode. It was totally my fault; I had stopped taking a crucial medication at the advice of my doctor because I was feeling better. This led to three trips to the hospital, back-to-back, where I ended up losing my boyfriend, my job, and my self respect. I was mourning the loss of these things for months, when I realized that it was God who was testing me, it was needed to push me to propel me forward. I am still mourning my relationship – I miss my boyfriend terribly, but God has allowed us to stay in communication helping me build what was broken. I managed to keep my apartment, and my car is still working beautifully, and even though my savings became depleted, I have been able to slowly build back what was lost.

I had another setback with that manic episode where I had called my ex-mother-in-law and told her some not so nice things. She turned around and threatened to have me investigated for the time I was a payee for her son. I loved her son so much, and I kept his money safe and did whatever he asked me to do with it, but it still scared me because no one has gone after me that way before – again another failure in a relationship that I am mourning, but the success is I won’t let her put fear in my heart. Her son destroyed my life – putting the crack pipe in my mouth, stealing my car, and getting us both in jail – I did so much for him and gave my all to him, it’s almost a slap in the face to be honest.

But through all these mishaps and failures, I have found success. I am almost 4 years sober; I am still living the best life I could possibly live, and I have friends and family in my life I never had. Nothing could have prepared me for the setbacks in life, but that’s what life is isn’t it? Life is a series of ups and downs and unexpected events that can derail even the most secured plan – and even though I was flying high in November and on top of the world, something, some force, deemed to knock me off that high pedestal with a lesson in mind. The adventure now, is finding out what that lesson is and learning from it.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
How has a failure, or apparent failure, set you up for later success?
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