Tag: friends

Vulnerability in the Eyes of Judgement

On By inspiredodysseyIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

alone-wallpapers6478339

I wasn’t going to talk about the fact that I have a mental illness for the purpose of this blog, but recent events (hospitalization) have changed that tune dramatically. I don’t think people realize the strength that is needed when you stay in one of those places for a long period, especially when it is against your will. There were nights where I just prayed to God to let me die and waking up in a foggy haze the next morning with a nurse ready to pump me full of medication.

It is an absolute nightmare, and more so, a humbling experience. I don’t accept the Bipolar diagnosis, but as I am approaching 40, I MUST. Some people have diabetes, my dad has heart disease, and I have something that impedes my most precious organ, my brain – trust me there were times I wished a heart attack rather than mental illness as crazy as that sounds.

I never had bipolar through my youth or my teen years, in fact, I did a lot of partying, and A LOT of drinking. The DRINKING was the beginning of the end for me because at 24 years old I went to a careless psychiatrist that gave me the pills that I added alcohol to that ended up serving me with this horrible death sentence – and for the past 15 years, I have been trying to crawl out of it. There is no end in sight, except I MUST take my medication like so many people these days have to do.  The hardest part for me is never understanding WHY. WHY is the question that I struggle with. I can’t stop my brain from breaking or the universe from cracking, so WHY did our Almighty Father hand me this ailment?? I have come to understand that He knows WHY, and I am not the one who had to understand that question yet. I follow God, whatever and wherever he takes me, and if he decided to test me in blood, sweat and tears in a locked padded room for two weeks straight, screaming bloody murder for someone to help me or even just understand, that’s the trial I had to face.

I am out now, with a chance at a new career and a new lease on life. I just know my brain needs to work with me now. No alcohol, smokes, weed, NOTHING. I need to lead a healthy life now because, as my mom said, “you fucked up the first 40, make the next 40 count,” and that’s exactly what I plan on doing. This shit is so hard, I wish to God none of you reading this has to endure this kind of emotional stress and pain – it’s so much pain, and it runs so deep tears are welling up in my eyes. It’s as if someone took a deep spoon and dug a hole straight into your heart, dipping into the most embarrassing, darkest and deepest secrets for all the world to see. I have nothing left to give of myself. I would say this made me a broken woman, but it did the exact opposite – it made me more determined.

God Bless You All for reading some of my story, I hope I run into you on my journey. Spirituality is your way of salvation in whatever beliefs you have.

I love you.

Stay tuned.

The “No-Internet Challenge,” What I Did For a Weekend Without The Internet

On By inspiredodysseyIn Life, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Batman Draw

So I did it! And what a weekend it was! I can honestly say, it was the best weekend of my life, and the best one I’ve had in a really long time. This meant no phone apps, no streaming, and an absolute zero online presence. The computers and laptops were off, and I watched a lot of TV and listened to the radio, (today is National Radio Day, by the way). I did a lot of the things we tend to neglect, like going to a class to reduce your car insurance, drawing, and coloring and reading a book you have been carrying around for a very long time.

I read a book called “The Prophet” by Kahlil Gibran, on Sunday, that I have been carrying around with me for about 20 years and I never read. An ex-boyfriend of mine gave it to me and said it would change my life, and it absolutely did.

There was one thing in particular that stood out to me of what I read; it was a passage about houses:

Your house is your larger body, what do you have in these houses? And what is it you guard with fastened doors? Have you peace, remembrances, and beauty in your houses? Or have you only comfort, the stealthy thing that enters the house as a guest, and then becomes a host, and then your master? Ay, then soon it becomes a tamer with a hook and scourge which makes puppets out of your desires. Verily the lust for comfort murders the passion of the soul, and then walks away grinning at the funeral. You shall be free when your days are without a care nor your nights without a want and grief – and when they girdle your life, you will find freedom when you rise above them naked and unbound.

To me, that encapsulates what the internet as a whole has done to us, and what we must free ourselves from. I have never been more free in my life, and when I wake up now, I feel nothing but joy in my heart. Through all the pain and sorrow of my younger days, I am approaching 40 without alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, gaming, Netflix, my cell phone and everything else most of the world are slaves to. This is a new era, a new day, and tomorrow will be an even better one.

And in regards to friendships, Mr. Gibran shared this:

Let your best, be for your friend. For what is your friend that you seek with hours to kill? Seek them always with hours to live. For it is theirs to fill your need, not your emptiness. For the dew of the little things that the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

Try it for yourself. Do all your work, write all your emails, put an away message on your phone, and plan to take a “vacation” from the internet. Maybe go hang out with friends, see a movie, or just do what I did and stay at home with your TV and with yourself. I can’t tell you how alive I feel after those three days.

Oh and one more thing: even though I am writing this in this blog, Mr. Gibran shared this with me, to remind me to always stay humble:

A good deed that calls itself tender names becomes the parent to a curse.

I shall remember that, Mr. Gibran.

Stay tuned.

 

The No-Internet Challenge – Do You Think You Can Live Without The Internet?

On By inspiredodysseyIn LifeLeave a comment

NoInternetHero

So can you? I mean no streaming, no phone apps, no email, no YouTube, no social media, NOTHING??? I dare you to try it! I am going on an Internet strike from Friday to Monday to see how life would be without the internet. I was talking to a friend today about all the problems in the world, and I wondered if God asked me right now if I could fix everything that is screwed up about this planet what it would it be?

TAKE AWAY THE INTERNET.

Simple. Straight to the point. Just kill the whole system, lock everything down, and the only way anyone in the world could use the internet is for work purposes ONLY. It would a tool, just like a car, or a screwdriver – when you need it to get something done you use it, then you turn it the HELL OFF. It was a radical idea, a random thought that just stuck in my head. All these terrorist groups, the Dark Web that steals all your money and identity, Bitcoin and their bullshit digital currency that has you spending all your hard-earned money on virtual air, Facebook stealing everything about you, Google tracking you and sharing everything – ALL OF IT- JUST DONE AND GONE –

I grew up in a time before the internet, so I know what life was like before it. We got around, we did what we had to do, we called each other on the phone, we hung out together, yadda yadda yadda – people are always talking about a “simpler time” but what does that mean exactly? When people say, “I wish it were like the old days,” what are they referring to? LIFE WITHOUT THE INTERNET, that’s what.

I mean, look I’ll give ya some freebies. In this “newborn no internet age,” you can have three apps. Just three.

  • Waze – (GPS and Navigation)
  • Skype (Telecommunications and Long Distance)
  • LinkedIn – To network – PROFESSIONALLY, seriously enough with the stupid memes already.

Would it really be such a horrible place to live in? My friend told me, as a species, we are not mature enough for all this technology. In every generation, there are a host of problems, but for all the things the internet has fixed, what has it taken from us? Do we smile at strangers while we are waiting in line? No, we are ass deep in our phones not even looking up when our order is called at Starbucks. Do we ask people out on a date or for their phone number if we see them and we think them attractive? No, because someone, somewhere will protest the shit out of your gesture. Do we even remember what an arcade is??? I give it to Dave and Buster’s, they are keeping the dream alive.

We are so stuck, so stuck in a digital world, that we have entirely forgotten what it’s like to be human. This is funny because people make fun of the Fast and Furious franchise, but not only was the latest installment, “Hobbes and Shaw,” entertaining as all get out, one of the underlying themes of that movie was family and heart. We have lost our soul and spirit and replaced it with an Avatar kicking ass in XBOX LIVE. We have eliminated game night and now chat on Discord servers as if that is healthy.

So I am doing it. After I post this, I am going to pose the challenge to my very few social media friends, some forums somewhere, and “go dark” till Monday. I will HAVE TO use the internet at least on Saturday to check my schoolwork, but I think I can get away with the app on my phone for that and THAT ONLY.

What am I going to do over the weekend? Pretend it was 1994 again. Plug in my stereo, tune into the local radio stations, break out my PS2 and play some Tombraider, watch some TV, (on cable, no streaming), and just hang out and read a book, or three. I may draw and color a bit, redecorate my room, and call up some friends, (on a landline), and see if they want to get together over the weekend.

So do you think you can do it?

I dare you!

Join me in a No-Internet Challenge This Weekend!!!

Stay tuned.

Serendipity – What a Sweet Word

On By inspiredodysseyIn workLeave a comment

happy

First of all, I want to thank all the new followers for my little baby blog that I just started. Everyone has been so wonderful and supportive so I thought I would return the favor. Forums at Psych Central is the best place for help with anything you may be going through, whether it be relationships, mental health, or you just want company that is supportive. It has been a wealth of knowledge for me over the years, and the people there and staff are so helpful if you’re struggling and need help. You can also visit PsychCentral.com to access hundreds of quizzes and articles to see if you suffer from bipolar, depression or anything else.

I will be honest and say it’s been a rough year. I had just crawled out of a hole I made for myself after a blowout manic episode that lasted longer than it should have and soon realized that it buried me under a mountain of debt which I found out today was $22,000!!!! – LIKE WTF???? Jesus, if you’re out there help me, please. Seriously, OUCH.

But that brings me back to my favorite word: Serendipity. Now, I am stealing that from that amazing movie with John Cusack and Kate Bekingsdale, BUT I feel my life has been littered with all these little serendipitous events over the years. First of all, I need to thank God for the fact that some error somewhere eliminated all the hospital bills from all the hospitalizations and doctors that I went through – seriously – some cosmic hand played a part in all that. And for those of you who don’t believe, I will say this much: I am not and never was a religious person in my life, but spending 10 months, (5 months of that in isolation), I found comfort in the only book I was allowed to keep with me: The New Testament, NOT the Bible, just The New Testament. People can argue that religion has turned into such a dirty word, (not sure why really), but you don’t have to be religious to appreciate a positive message of hope, which that book gave me. In fact, there are certain things that just NEED to be appreciated, like the one that was shared with me just this morning:

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
~RUMI

Thank you, fellow bipolar survivor, for exposing me to such a powerful, and comforting poem. I always knew that Rumi was amazing, and finding out about more of his hidden treasures always brings a tear to my eye.

So for you that don’t know, serendipity is this:

Serendipity
NOUN
  1. the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way.

  2. “a fortunate stroke of serendipity” ·

  3. [more]
  4. synonyms:
  5. chance · happy chance · accident · happy accident · fluke · luck · good luck · good fortune · fortuity · fortuitousness · providence · coincidence · happy coincidence

So far, I have been a wonderful beneficiary of “happy chance” especially with all the car accidents, crazy circumstances, hospitalizations and drunken debaucheries I have experienced in my life. I have had a very exciting life, but would I call it exciting now? Or would I call it just recklessness, and SO reckless that I am lucky to be alive? It’s weird how things come into your mind as you approach 40.

So my serendipity for today:

If I didn’t have a horrible day and breakdown yesterday and exposed my vulnerability to my very wonderful, but very worried best friend, I would have never changed Debt Consolidation companies today, saved about $100 a month, and now possibly have $2000 coming to me from a Savings Account that would be owed to me from my old Debt Consolidation company. SURE the smart thing would be to put ALL of that money into the new company, but I am going to play it smart. I am going to keep some emergency cash at home in a safe, (it’s funny I knew this was a great idea and everybody should do it, and I even have the safe but no money, lol), and keep the rest in my account for emergencies.

I am also going to start my writing career up again by joining this site:

Writer’s Work – $47

Now, I know you’ve probably seen their ads on Facebook, (if you’re even on there, I know most people are anti-social media these days), AND there are a lot of people about there who are making “reviews” and calling it a scam. Now, from personal research on this hear me out: For $47 you get a Lifetime Membership to ALL their services, which is expensive and big bucks to a lot of people, (especially me), but is it worth it? Well, they do have a money-back guarantee in 30 days, so you can easily just try it out, but WHY all the negative reviews?

First and foremost: people that sign up don’t put in the work. Like with any career services, or in this case a “freelance writer start-up,” you are going to have to put in the work. Now, I know this may seem like an obvious thing, but the fact of the matter is, in this world people want $60000 a year handed to them on a platter – I know, I used to work in Human Resources, and I saw it time and time again. And I hate to say it, but all those negative reviews I read sounded like lazy, unmotivated people who just didn’t like that they weren’t making $20 an hour instantly. It takes work to build up a profile and put yourself out there to companies. In essence, you’re selling yourself, and if you aren’t good at that, then maybe you shouldn’t invest in something that you think will GIVE you everything. It’s such common sense.

BUT…….

The bad thing is: they sell you on the idea that you can get everything instantly. I get it, totally their fault, but they are out to make money. But what people don’t realize is for $47 you’re getting a Lifetime membership to a RIDICULOUS amount of software and services to help you start your freelance writing career. There are a lot of negatives like they don’t have the best job boards, or their profile creation tool is weak, but come on, you’re paying for Netflix $156 a year to do what? Binge-watch shows and movies when you could be making extra money?

And the reviews that got me the MOST were the ones saying; “Read my review on WritersWork, I have the most unbiased and honest review out there.” Do you know what happened when I clicked on it? Within 30 seconds of reading this review, I was immediately directed to a site SELLING WRITER SERVICES. Haha! Talk about unbiased! And the most hilarious thing was when I closed the window and reopened the review again, after 30 seconds I was directed to buy their services, again!!!! So I had to keep closing and opening to read the whole damn thing! Why did I bother? God knows. Haha.

Anyway, maybe serendipity will work in your favor on this beautiful Saturday afternoon.

Maybe you’ll get the help you need at PsychCentral, or maybe you’ll go the route I’m going with Writer’sWork.

Whatever your dreams are, remember the only one standing in your way is you.

I learned that the hard way.

Stay Tuned.