inspiredodyssey work

A Hopeful Future

So, in the midst of depression, how do you get out of bed? Why is everyone so tired these days? Are we all Post-COVID burnt out? I really want to believe there is more to life than this, but I feel like all anyone wants to do these days is just sleep their lives away. Life is hard, these obstacles aren’t going away and with At-Home work being the thing now these days, it seems everyone is just getting lazier and lazier.

I fall into this category too. The idea of going back to work scares me more than I can say. I am having a hard time adjusting to a life in which I actually have to be responsible for myself. I have lived under my parents’ roof for so long, I have forgotten what it is like to be self-sufficient. I had a job interview today and I am so scared of what will come up in the background check. That’s another mountain I have to climb, and what a mountain it is!

Through all this though, I am hopeful. I no longer have the desire for alcohol, something which I never was able to get rid of. It had hindered me for so long while I let my bipolar disability consume me. I could have had a career a long time ago, but I just wanted to lose weight first which was something so stupid, even though it didn’t look like it back then.

But now, it’s a new me, a new future, a new beginning – and it’s very hopeful.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Lemons into Lemonade

I am a rampant procrastinator. I have watched this whole day go by without accomplishing the things I set out to do today. I believe there us only one cure for this: self strength.

Self strength is a new concept I’ve thought about as being better than self reliance or self will, but more like something that’s got to come from within myself to win this battle over my laziness and procrastination. The truth of the matter is all I want to do is sleep, and that funk I’m in has become a daily thing. How do I get out of it? Self strength. Basically pulling myself up by my own hair and forcing me to get up and out of bed and do what I’m supposed to do.

Self strength will be my new mantra and how I can turn these lemons in my life to lemonade.

How do you find your self strength? I would love to know.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

The End Goal is Near And I am Self-Sabotaging

Did you almost complete something? Have you always started things and never finished them? Have you always quit before seeing it through? This is me, and where I am at today. I was in jail for 10 months in 2021, and I remember the staff telling me, “well you need to go to a program for another 12-15 months.” My world imploded because I thought I could get out on probation.

Well, it’s 12 months later and I haven’t learned anything. I still feel my old self coming through with the same old negative behaviors. I put up a good front, as if I got it and I have it all together, but inside I am dying. I am screaming at the top of my lungs inside my heart and no one can hear me. I am almost at the end of this program and I feel like I am going to screw up and throw it all away.

I am suffering. I miss my husband dearly. We are separated by the system right now where he is in a hospital and I am in this rehab. On Sunday, when I visited him they wouldn’t let me kiss or hold him, and I wanted to die. This is so hard. I keep asking God why this happened to us – and then I realize we did it to ourselves. We drugged, we partied, we thought we were above the law, and now the consequences are so severe we may never recover.

I can’t go on like this. I feel completely ungrateful. I am underserving of all the good that has come out of this program as I am rebuilding my life. Why am I so unhappy? I know why. Because my whole life all I have ever wanted was to be in love. And now, it comes with a terrible price. I am so upset in my heart, I feel like I don’t want to go on even though things are moving in the direction that they should. I keep hearing that “it’s all in His Timing,” but I am tired of being miserable. What’s worse is I can’t even pray anymore because I don’t even believe.

I am trying my best, but I feel lost. I am almost through with this program and I feel like I have a high school senior’s sickness. I am ready to run out the door and go back to jail – why would I even do such a stupid thing? Because I’m bipolar and my highs and lows are so severe I can’t make heads or tails out of it.

If there is a God, please see me through this month, please.

Or at least hold my hand till the end of the day. Please.

Just please someone help me.

Stay tuned.