inspiredodyssey Life

When Life Shows You That You’re on the Right Track

So many times, we find so much to complain about. But thankfulness and being humble can lead to such a good life, if we just let things be. There is so much stimulation from so many devices and things even people, that we forget what it’s like to be still.

I have watched my life go up and down for the past three years like crazy. I watched myself brought to my knees at the floor of a jail cell, begging God for forgiveness and to help me through it. My mental health has been so fragile the past 20 years, I never knew when a switch would go off landing me in a manic episode and ultimately in a lot of trouble. That’s how I landed in jail in the first place. Not taking care of myself has always been my downfall, not because I didn’t want to, but I just wasn’t able to because I thought I knew everything.

That’s where humility comes in.

I am almost three years sober today, and I am still in disbelief of how much I have accomplished. My CPAP machine is a miracle, giving me the much-needed sleep I need to balance my mental health. The alcohol is completely gone from my life as well as the urges to drink out of the boredom I used to experience. My faith has never been stronger, and I am learning to let life show me the way and give up the control I was always so desperate to hold onto.

People say having gratitude lists and affirmations help you reprogram your mind – but I believe simple prayer helps that more. I am not religious, but I do have a strong faith. My faith was stronger in jail, but nowadays, even though I don’t rely on God as much as I used to, His presence is still clear and strong. My husband’s charges were dropped, and he will be coming home soon – something I am scared of because his addiction was much stronger than mine. But I believe if I let go and let God, things will turn out okay.

With a bad criminal record, eviction, and horrible credit, I never thought I would find a place to live. But I let go and took a chance and told my story to a nice landlord that’s willing to rent to me. I have a job in which I wasn’t asked to do a background check. I am beyond grateful for the blessings because of how the odds are stacked against me.

But my faith is ever strong. Life is so hard. I mean look at inflation, so many people are struggling, and I am thankful for having a good income despite being a felon. The world is in shambles, and everybody is just trying to survive. But I am doing more than surviving, I am letting life take the reins and letting go of the expectations and the assumptions that I used to have.

Just let go.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

No One Told me the Apocalypse was Going to be Slow and Expensive

It feels like a mountain to climb. Being tired is an everyday thing now, and my wallet is significantly smaller. Is there hope out there? Will it change soon?

So many things have happened over the past few months. I went to court and didn’t get a verdict I wanted, (do we ever though?), and I got saddled with a criminal record in which my corporate career is pretty much dead. I got probation, which is a blessing, but also a monumental pain in the ass. It left me thinking, if it’s hard for regular Americans, what about those of us with records or mental illness? Granted my bipolar has been manageable mostly because of my sleep apnea machine in which I get a good amount of rested sleep; who knew the key to stable mental health was good sleep hygiene? Well, I am sure doctors know, but I am living proof.

But now, with a record, how can I get a sustainable income in which I can survive Bidenomics? (I said I wasn’t going to make it political, but I had to throw that in). Things like the “end of the world” have been discussed a lot lately and even talk of the “rapture.” I wonder though, spiritually, what does all of this mean? We are so advanced in so many areas, but I feel like so many people are left behind. I am also from a generation where values used to be so honored, and I feel like as a society we don’t even have any morals anymore. That’s just me ranting on some things though, but I feel like so much of us are protesting this world in silence for fear of retaliation or just being destroyed for having a different opinion than someone else.

Today I am just holding on to whatever money I have and working a simple job as just a means to an end. I haven’t even figured out my living situation yet, because the Oxford House I live in is such a hassle to maintain because no one does their fair share. And besides, I am tired of living with so many women, 10 months in jail and almost 2 years in rehab, and now this sober living house, I am DONE! I just want a place for me and my husband to live the rest of our lives in peace. But how do you get a place with a criminal record and horrible credit? It feels like roadblock after roadblock, but I have to push forward. I am trying to bring myself to the mindset, “Living in the Now” as in one of my favorite books by Eckhart Tolle.

I was never religious, but honestly, God has been there for me more times than I can count. I wasn’t brought up to pray, and like most people I only pray when I need something, which is the worst thing you can do. Faith is something that takes practice I think, and in moments where I can feel God, I make it a point to say hello and at least have a conversation. It puts me at peace.

I have to place my hands in faith now more than ever since my diabetes is so out of control. I have a A1C of 12 and my sugar averages about 300 a day. My doctor started talking about gangrene and amputations and it immediately prompted me to make a major shift. But $122 at the grocery store for one person? I am almost feel like saying fuck it. But that’s not the logical thing to do. I am only 43 and I want to fix this mess before I get older. Also, I really need to lose weight, so might as well start.

Anyway, I know I haven’t written in a while, but that’s because I am mourning the loss of all the journals I’ve had, and don’t really appreciate the digital one. But I have to say, it did feel good to come back and see you guys!

I hope you all are having a lovely Sunday.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Daily Prompt 2000 – Why Does Every Little Thing Bother Me?

So come on guys, in this day and age, do you feel like suddenly nearly everything gets on your nerves? Whether it’s the news or the series that sucked on Netflix, to someone rambling on Facebook – something, almost everything seems to be a nuisance. I didn’t want to be this person, as a matter of fact, I am definitely NOT this type of person, but lately I don’t know, I have just been hating everything.

Life seems so much tougher than it was 20 years ago. For me, I think technology is taking over our lives in a way that it is ruining human interactions. I learned a term from a news article today, “phubbing” – the act of snubbing with your phone. How many people do you know have their phone out while you’re at dinner? Have their phone out while you’re hanging out, or even when you’re intimate? Texting in between strokes? How sick is that? Or even when you have that break in your show with commercials, and someone is just texting or swiping away – that’s valuable talk time!

I just think we are losing it and the loneliness will be palpable. We are going to get so closed in with our technology that we will lose ourselves. I know it is happening because that’s how I spent nearly a decade, and it really bothers me. I got so lost in the online world I couldn’t see past my own computer screen. I felt alien, isolated and so lonely. Video games, forums, social media and all that can only bring you just so much satisfaction.

And you know what else bothers me? We don’t even use our phones to make phone calls anymore. You know why? Everybody’s voicemail is always friggin’ full.

Rant over.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Cannot Be Undone

Daily writing prompt
List 10 things you know to be absolutely certain.
View all responses
  1. Inflation is a real thing and is not going away.
  2. I am probably going to end up being some kind of convict, and it will be on my record for the next 7 years.
  3. I am definitely not going back to New York.
  4. CDs and DVDs will be in museums.
  5. Coupons need to make a comeback cause DAYUM.
  6. SpaceX is going to launch people to the Moon and Mars and it will end up like that Titanic Tour Disaster.
  7. I will get a job I love by the end of the year.
  8. My husband and I WILL be reunited again.
  9. My phone is going to making decisions for me, (thanks Google and ChatGPT).
  10. Death and Taxes, (oldie but goodie).
inspiredodyssey daily prompt

The Future – Once Laughable to Me, Now Bright and Unlimited

I have no doubt in my mind that I never envisioned a future. I spent nearly two decades from the computer screen of my room, void of friendships and romantic relationships. My relationships mostly consisted of online relationships because I had not gotten over my ex a decade prior. I was holding onto a torch I was refusing to let go of, tormenting my present with ghosts of my past. So, you see, a future was never an option for me because my present daily life was so miserable.

Fast forward twenty years later, I am in my 40s having wasted my youth on broken promises and things “I would get to” but never did. These days I see so many exciting things in my future, because I had pushed myself so far outside of my comfort zone the past two years, that the way I was previously living all those years ago is no longer an option.

I feel excited for the future because I see myself so far outside of the “norm” now. I can’t get into any series on TV, I don’t play video games, and I am no longer glued to a computer screen like I used to be. Where the world has gone “digital,” I have surpassed into something else.

One of the most amazing things I’ve experienced is my connection with God on my long drives. As the music plays and the horizon comes into existence, I feel a remarkable peace and calm that I had never experienced before, and I am so overjoyed to explore that more in my future. I am excited for the career I am building myself into as well as the new home I want to make for me and my husband. Never had I felt a future beyond the “box” I had created for myself all those years ago. It was always, “until I am skinny then I am going to do X, Y, and Z.” Well, I never got skinnier, I just got fatter, but my outlook has completely changed. Jail changed me, rehab changed me, and even though those were the most challenging times in my life, I had never felt more comraderies and connection with the human race than I did my whole life. Even in high school, I was never this close to other women or people in general.

So, in all, what I am most excited about the future? More personal relationships and more interactions with people. Honestly, I have always wanted to be closer to God in so many ways, and I think it’s through people I’ll achieve that.

Here’s to the next chapter!

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Battling Thoughts About the Future. Why Do We Obsess?

What are you most worried about in your future? In simple terms: EVERYTHING! Look at the state of the world in present day, I can’t imagine what the future will hold. It is interesting this daily prompt talks about the future because I have been obsessing about it all morning. Today is 4th of July, and it certainly doesn’t feel like it. I remember a time when I used to be excited about things, ie. birthdays and holidays, but these days not so much anymore. Did we lose the zest for life like we used to have?

I am battling thoughts about my upcoming court date and how it will impact my future. Will I get a conviction which will lead to years of probation? My lawyer says I won’t be going to jail for my horrible charges, but I feel like I am screwed anyway. I feel like any hope of a career is long gone, any retirement savings would be non-existent, and any hope for a normal life down the tubes. Why such a negative attitude though? And what’s with all the obsessing? I guess I have been wired this way by years of negative programming. A world that has become like jello, and where every hard truth is sugar coated with some kind of false hope.

I don’t like the world we live in so I am not hopeful about the future. If I look back at my life, I remember dreams being realized and there was no limit on how much you could accomplish. Now I feel stunted, and in my case reprimanded. I don’t believe in my future because no one will ever hire me, and I don’t want to fall into the bullshit, of “positive affirmations” and “speaking it into existence.” As a jaded person about to face a judge, it looks like a bunch of crap to me. Wow, this all sounds really negative, God help me if I can ever turn all of this around. I really don’t feel hope anymore, I don’t feel joy, and my overall sense of the future is I will end up as a ward of the state stuck in a retirement home, sleeping the days away until I die. What a fucked-up way to look at things, yet somehow it will end up coming true.

I hope my views change someday.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Who I am Now as Opposed to Who I was Then….

I recently came across an old blog from years ago and found myself looking into a backwards crystal ball – me wishing for so much in the future that has come to fruition, but not exactly what I was looking for. That’s God’s little sense of humor, isn’t it? The cornerstone of my wishes of my one and only heart’s desire was to find love, which had been my goal for close to a decade. Not only do I have that great love in my life today, but we are separated by the justice system. What I thought my life would look like, looks nothing like that mirror from the past that I was looking through into my future.

But the person, that hasn’t changed. I still feel the same insecurities, but I am more open to new experiences instead of being shut in as a recluse not leaving my home. Even though friends from the past have long moved on, those relationships don’t feel as pertinent as the once were.

This quest for love had consumed my whole life – since the days of when I was a teenager. I am having dreams of meeting my husband 20 years ago, as opposed to 3 years ago, because I feel like my life would have been much different if we met back then. I know I can’t go back and change the past, I can only work on my future, but I can’t help but feeling like my life is over with this court case.

Any future that I may have seen looks so much different – with horrible charges and an impending doom of a conviction, also with no hope of ever seeing my husband outside of an institution this year. But through the Grace of God, I am making it through. I have a job, I have a nice car, I live in a fairly nice house, I am over 2 years sober with no cravings for alcohol or drugs, my parents are still alive and extremely supportive, and I have friends today that I thought I would never have. My life has riches today that used to be completely bereft of any kind of love and companionship in past years. There is some truth to repeating a gratitude list in your head when you are feeling negative. People don’t have the worries I do, but I don’t have the worries other people do either. Maybe your life isn’t perfect, but at least you’re not facing a conviction. Maybe someone isn’t facing a conviction like me, but they don’t have their family like I do. Is that God’s way of balancing things out? I might be jealous of Jennifer Lopez in every way, but it took her till she was in her 50s to find the love of her life after four divorces. Sometimes, that’s just the way the hand is dealt. I have to keep my focus on the positive before I get stuck in another loop of desolation and self-pity that consumed my 20s and 30s.

The funniest thing is I always thought I was “fat and ugly” back then that’s why no one would love me. Well, I am about 40 pounds heavier now, and can look at myself in the mirror and take pictures and think I am beautiful today. My husband calls me gorgeous even though sometimes I can’t see it, and I find myself dressing up and taking care of myself a lot more than I ever have. Those little victories I am holding onto – maybe this conviction will hold me back, but I don’t think I should stop living life because of it.

After all, there is a lot of me I am proud of today, as opposed to how I was years ago.

Progress not perfection indeed.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey bipolar

Margot Kidder – Lois Lane in the Original Superman – Her Suicide due to Bipolar and Addiction Still Haunts Me Today

Usually when a celebrity dies, people can be dramatically affected. This is how I felt about the original Lois Lane, Margot Kidder. Her life was full of ups and downs and tragedies like most of Hollywood, but like another iconic character, Princess Leia, (Carrie Fisher), the alcoholism and bipolar spoke to me the most.

This is a deadly combination. I have been dealing with alcoholism since my early teens, and never knew that it was one of the biggest factors in my bipolar diagnosis. My untreated bipolar went on as raging alcoholism for years, until the psychiatrists finally caught me with a net, threw me in the hospital and pumped me full of pills.

But like these iconic characters from my youth, the pills weren’t the answer because it may have treated the bipolar, but the deadlier disease of addiction was the real malady. I am sure Margot Kidder didn’t realize the extent of her alcoholism like many don’t. In my case, I thought if I could balance the medication somehow with a controlled drinking schedule, somehow, some way everything would be okay. Little did I know, drinking and mixing medication was an even deadlier malady than the addiction itself. I found myself in the horrible cycles of mania, which eventually led me to jails and institutions for almost 20 years of my life.

Finally breaking free of these chains, however, the stories about some of my beloved muses still rock me to this day. How was I able to overcome what they couldn’t? I should maybe step on the brakes right there, because I will never “beat” addiction, I just conquer the urges one day at a time.

The most important lesson that I have learned is there is no cure for addiction or bipolar, it is a constant work in progress that the body and mind have to adapt to. There is a science behind being able to cure yourself with mindfulness and living in the present, because I am on less than half of the medication I was on years ago. Some might say, I have an immunity to them now, but they keep the mania at bay while my abstinence from alcohol does the rest.

Even though Margot Kidder died in 2018 and Carrie Fisher in 2017, these iconic women forever live in my mind as sisters in pain for the ailments of alcohol and bipolar that challenge me every day. I amaze myself on a daily basis how I am able to resist the urge for a drink, and my wild streak of wanting to numb my feelings or just party the night away has been lifted.

Sometimes it just boils down to growing up and taking responsibility for your life.

Because when you realize you are worth so much more than a substance you can be free.

And even if it was in a more tragic way, both Margot Kidder and Carrie Fisher are free too.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Why I Still Struggle with My Outer Beauty

What does it feel like to look in the mirror in the morning and hate what you see? What does it feel like to think you’re the most disgusting person on the planet? This is me. No matter how much my husband tells me I’m beautiful I still suffer from low self-esteem that stems from within.

Where does this come from?

Why do we do this?

I think in recent years, it has become more acceptable for us to just hate yourselves. We aspire to reach these models of humans we see on tv and in videos, and not to mention all the crap that’s on social media. So, even though I have learned a lot of acceptance of myself over the years, I still struggle when I look in the mirror.

The fact is, I have never felt beautiful. Case in point, I tried to take a selfie today and was immediately disgusted with my picture that even the $179 I spent at Sephora couldn’t fix. And another case in point, lip gloss is now $40, what in the world is happening?

We live in a world where a billion-dollar rocket explodes, and everyone cheers. We live in a world calling yourself a “woman” can be offensive to someone. We live in a world where it is acceptable to beat yourself up for the sake of “appearances.”

I am frustrated with the world as well as myself.

I struggle with my outer beauty because everyone around me is more beautiful than me.

That’s the absolution that I have to accept.

Maybe one day I will feel differently,

God Willing.

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey Life

Breaking Free

Has there ever been a defining moment in your life when you’ve felt relief beyond reproach? After two years of bondage, I am finally free. In two days, I will be moving out of the rehab/homeless shelter I have been living in for the past 13 months. Mind you, this is after 10 months of jail previously. It has been a harrowing two years to say the least.

I had never appreciated freedom before that. Being able to come and go as you please, spend your money how you want, even having relationships that weren’t “concerning” to others. I have been under a microscope for so long, I don’t even know what it’s going to be like to be on my own, but I welcome it.

My bipolar has been under control for the most part because I haven’t seen the inside of a hospital in a little over a year. I will be going back to speak at one the hospitals I was in, Triangle Springs in NC, tonight, to give back to those who need hope. Telling my story gives hope to so many others because after jail and rehab, I have a car, I am employable, mentally sound, and am looking forward to my own place. Well, an Oxford House with three other ladies, but at least it’s no homeless shelter with 80 other women.

I never realized that alcohol was my problem. I figured if I just took my meds I could keep my bipolar at bay, but mixing pills and drinks just made everything worse. I wonder how my life is going to be now. My husband is still in a psych ward awaiting his charges and I go to court in August to face mine. So much has happened since this nightmare unfolded and now I am finally moving on and breaking free.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

The chains are broken today.

Stay tuned.