My life has gone through so many ups and downs this past year, but the most important thing that has happened is me regaining my independence. Between jail, rehab and sober living, I had been living in close quarters to a bunch of women for the better part of three years. It had been daunting; no privacy, constant bickering, and personality clashes that got the better of me. But as God saw fit, and despite horrible credit, an eviction and conviction on my record, I had been able to get gainful employment and secure an affordable place to live.
With almost three years of sobriety under my belt, I learned a lot about myself in my recovery. I built a strong network of women that I could count on, and I also became very active in the Raleigh community. Even though I am more than an hour away from there now, I still hold onto the values from where I ultimately came from. It’s been a long road from the floor of that jail cell, where I remember being at the lowest point in my life, but today, I am looking forward to a positive future with much more positive events to come.
Stay tuned.
Daily writing prompt
What positive events have taken place in your life over the past year?
So many things, and so many blogs later, I finally have a day I want to remember. Looking back on all those years of pain, I have come to a precipice where I can finally say I feel on top of the world. I just had the best sex of my life tonight, and maybe it’s the overwhelming dopamine that has me so high, but it’s also the placement of all the chess pieces that are finally in place.
Things aren’t easy. Some days are tougher than others and living with my husband after being alone for so long is definitely an adjustment. But nights like this I want to remember and look back on as the reason why we both put so much effort into our marriage after all we’ve been through.
I look into his eyes, and I see the overwhelming love for me.
His kiss still gives me chills even after all this time.
I have walked through Hell and back with him – Jails, Institutions and Death as they say in recovery, and he has been at the center of my mind the whole time.
I have experienced things with this man that I have never felt with anyone before in my life – I walked through madness with him by my side, and he accepted me with my flaws and all.
He allows me to be myself, no matter how critical I see my shortcomings and supports me in all my endeavors.
I never got to say my vows to him like I wanted to the first time around, so I will solve that here.
With you my love, I can accomplish anything.
You make me feel alive again, after so many years living in darkness.
I worship you as my King, because you deserve all the praise in the world.
I take your kisses with me in my sleep, because your tenderness and kindness fill my soul.
You amaze me every time we talk because I learn something new and more interesting all the time.
I promise to love you always, to be the woman you always wanted and the wife you always dreamed of.
I will honor, obey and give you my all – promising to never go to bed angry like your wise grandmother always said.
Most of all, I will always be kind because you deserve someone who will always be true to your heart.
And your heart I will guard, with the chambers of my own, so that when we die in each other’s arms it will be after the satisfaction of the amazing life we had together.
So many times, we find so much to complain about. But thankfulness and being humble can lead to such a good life, if we just let things be. There is so much stimulation from so many devices and things even people, that we forget what it’s like to be still.
I have watched my life go up and down for the past three years like crazy. I watched myself brought to my knees at the floor of a jail cell, begging God for forgiveness and to help me through it. My mental health has been so fragile the past 20 years, I never knew when a switch would go off landing me in a manic episode and ultimately in a lot of trouble. That’s how I landed in jail in the first place. Not taking care of myself has always been my downfall, not because I didn’t want to, but I just wasn’t able to because I thought I knew everything.
That’s where humility comes in.
I am almost three years sober today, and I am still in disbelief of how much I have accomplished. My CPAP machine is a miracle, giving me the much-needed sleep I need to balance my mental health. The alcohol is completely gone from my life as well as the urges to drink out of the boredom I used to experience. My faith has never been stronger, and I am learning to let life show me the way and give up the control I was always so desperate to hold onto.
People say having gratitude lists and affirmations help you reprogram your mind – but I believe simple prayer helps that more. I am not religious, but I do have a strong faith. My faith was stronger in jail, but nowadays, even though I don’t rely on God as much as I used to, His presence is still clear and strong. My husband’s charges were dropped, and he will be coming home soon – something I am scared of because his addiction was much stronger than mine. But I believe if I let go and let God, things will turn out okay.
With a bad criminal record, eviction, and horrible credit, I never thought I would find a place to live. But I let go and took a chance and told my story to a nice landlord that’s willing to rent to me. I have a job in which I wasn’t asked to do a background check. I am beyond grateful for the blessings because of how the odds are stacked against me.
But my faith is ever strong. Life is so hard. I mean look at inflation, so many people are struggling, and I am thankful for having a good income despite being a felon. The world is in shambles, and everybody is just trying to survive. But I am doing more than surviving, I am letting life take the reins and letting go of the expectations and the assumptions that I used to have.
It feels like a mountain to climb. Being tired is an everyday thing now, and my wallet is significantly smaller. Is there hope out there? Will it change soon?
So many things have happened over the past few months. I went to court and didn’t get a verdict I wanted, (do we ever though?), and I got saddled with a criminal record in which my corporate career is pretty much dead. I got probation, which is a blessing, but also a monumental pain in the ass. It left me thinking, if it’s hard for regular Americans, what about those of us with records or mental illness? Granted my bipolar has been manageable mostly because of my sleep apnea machine in which I get a good amount of rested sleep; who knew the key to stable mental health was good sleep hygiene? Well, I am sure doctors know, but I am living proof.
But now, with a record, how can I get a sustainable income in which I can survive Bidenomics? (I said I wasn’t going to make it political, but I had to throw that in). Things like the “end of the world” have been discussed a lot lately and even talk of the “rapture.” I wonder though, spiritually, what does all of this mean? We are so advanced in so many areas, but I feel like so many people are left behind. I am also from a generation where values used to be so honored, and I feel like as a society we don’t even have any morals anymore. That’s just me ranting on some things though, but I feel like so much of us are protesting this world in silence for fear of retaliation or just being destroyed for having a different opinion than someone else.
Today I am just holding on to whatever money I have and working a simple job as just a means to an end. I haven’t even figured out my living situation yet, because the Oxford House I live in is such a hassle to maintain because no one does their fair share. And besides, I am tired of living with so many women, 10 months in jail and almost 2 years in rehab, and now this sober living house, I am DONE! I just want a place for me and my husband to live the rest of our lives in peace. But how do you get a place with a criminal record and horrible credit? It feels like roadblock after roadblock, but I have to push forward. I am trying to bring myself to the mindset, “Living in the Now” as in one of my favorite books by Eckhart Tolle.
I was never religious, but honestly, God has been there for me more times than I can count. I wasn’t brought up to pray, and like most people I only pray when I need something, which is the worst thing you can do. Faith is something that takes practice I think, and in moments where I can feel God, I make it a point to say hello and at least have a conversation. It puts me at peace.
I have to place my hands in faith now more than ever since my diabetes is so out of control. I have a A1C of 12 and my sugar averages about 300 a day. My doctor started talking about gangrene and amputations and it immediately prompted me to make a major shift. But $122 at the grocery store for one person? I am almost feel like saying fuck it. But that’s not the logical thing to do. I am only 43 and I want to fix this mess before I get older. Also, I really need to lose weight, so might as well start.
Anyway, I know I haven’t written in a while, but that’s because I am mourning the loss of all the journals I’ve had, and don’t really appreciate the digital one. But I have to say, it did feel good to come back and see you guys!
So come on guys, in this day and age, do you feel like suddenly nearly everything gets on your nerves? Whether it’s the news or the series that sucked on Netflix, to someone rambling on Facebook – something, almost everything seems to be a nuisance. I didn’t want to be this person, as a matter of fact, I am definitely NOT this type of person, but lately I don’t know, I have just been hating everything.
Life seems so much tougher than it was 20 years ago. For me, I think technology is taking over our lives in a way that it is ruining human interactions. I learned a term from a news article today, “phubbing” – the act of snubbing with your phone. How many people do you know have their phone out while you’re at dinner? Have their phone out while you’re hanging out, or even when you’re intimate? Texting in between strokes? How sick is that? Or even when you have that break in your show with commercials, and someone is just texting or swiping away – that’s valuable talk time!
I just think we are losing it and the loneliness will be palpable. We are going to get so closed in with our technology that we will lose ourselves. I know it is happening because that’s how I spent nearly a decade, and it really bothers me. I got so lost in the online world I couldn’t see past my own computer screen. I felt alien, isolated and so lonely. Video games, forums, social media and all that can only bring you just so much satisfaction.
And you know what else bothers me? We don’t even use our phones to make phone calls anymore. You know why? Everybody’s voicemail is always friggin’ full.
I have no doubt in my mind that I never envisioned a future. I spent nearly two decades from the computer screen of my room, void of friendships and romantic relationships. My relationships mostly consisted of online relationships because I had not gotten over my ex a decade prior. I was holding onto a torch I was refusing to let go of, tormenting my present with ghosts of my past. So, you see, a future was never an option for me because my present daily life was so miserable.
Fast forward twenty years later, I am in my 40s having wasted my youth on broken promises and things “I would get to” but never did. These days I see so many exciting things in my future, because I had pushed myself so far outside of my comfort zone the past two years, that the way I was previously living all those years ago is no longer an option.
I feel excited for the future because I see myself so far outside of the “norm” now. I can’t get into any series on TV, I don’t play video games, and I am no longer glued to a computer screen like I used to be. Where the world has gone “digital,” I have surpassed into something else.
One of the most amazing things I’ve experienced is my connection with God on my long drives. As the music plays and the horizon comes into existence, I feel a remarkable peace and calm that I had never experienced before, and I am so overjoyed to explore that more in my future. I am excited for the career I am building myself into as well as the new home I want to make for me and my husband. Never had I felt a future beyond the “box” I had created for myself all those years ago. It was always, “until I am skinny then I am going to do X, Y, and Z.” Well, I never got skinnier, I just got fatter, but my outlook has completely changed. Jail changed me, rehab changed me, and even though those were the most challenging times in my life, I had never felt more comraderies and connection with the human race than I did my whole life. Even in high school, I was never this close to other women or people in general.
So, in all, what I am most excited about the future? More personal relationships and more interactions with people. Honestly, I have always wanted to be closer to God in so many ways, and I think it’s through people I’ll achieve that.
What are you most worried about in your future? In simple terms: EVERYTHING! Look at the state of the world in present day, I can’t imagine what the future will hold. It is interesting this daily prompt talks about the future because I have been obsessing about it all morning. Today is 4th of July, and it certainly doesn’t feel like it. I remember a time when I used to be excited about things, ie. birthdays and holidays, but these days not so much anymore. Did we lose the zest for life like we used to have?
I am battling thoughts about my upcoming court date and how it will impact my future. Will I get a conviction which will lead to years of probation? My lawyer says I won’t be going to jail for my horrible charges, but I feel like I am screwed anyway. I feel like any hope of a career is long gone, any retirement savings would be non-existent, and any hope for a normal life down the tubes. Why such a negative attitude though? And what’s with all the obsessing? I guess I have been wired this way by years of negative programming. A world that has become like jello, and where every hard truth is sugar coated with some kind of false hope.
I don’t like the world we live in so I am not hopeful about the future. If I look back at my life, I remember dreams being realized and there was no limit on how much you could accomplish. Now I feel stunted, and in my case reprimanded. I don’t believe in my future because no one will ever hire me, and I don’t want to fall into the bullshit, of “positive affirmations” and “speaking it into existence.” As a jaded person about to face a judge, it looks like a bunch of crap to me. Wow, this all sounds really negative, God help me if I can ever turn all of this around. I really don’t feel hope anymore, I don’t feel joy, and my overall sense of the future is I will end up as a ward of the state stuck in a retirement home, sleeping the days away until I die. What a fucked-up way to look at things, yet somehow it will end up coming true.
I recently came across an old blog from years ago and found myself looking into a backwards crystal ball – me wishing for so much in the future that has come to fruition, but not exactly what I was looking for. That’s God’s little sense of humor, isn’t it? The cornerstone of my wishes of my one and only heart’s desire was to find love, which had been my goal for close to a decade. Not only do I have that great love in my life today, but we are separated by the justice system. What I thought my life would look like, looks nothing like that mirror from the past that I was looking through into my future.
But the person, that hasn’t changed. I still feel the same insecurities, but I am more open to new experiences instead of being shut in as a recluse not leaving my home. Even though friends from the past have long moved on, those relationships don’t feel as pertinent as the once were.
This quest for love had consumed my whole life – since the days of when I was a teenager. I am having dreams of meeting my husband 20 years ago, as opposed to 3 years ago, because I feel like my life would have been much different if we met back then. I know I can’t go back and change the past, I can only work on my future, but I can’t help but feeling like my life is over with this court case.
Any future that I may have seen looks so much different – with horrible charges and an impending doom of a conviction, also with no hope of ever seeing my husband outside of an institution this year. But through the Grace of God, I am making it through. I have a job, I have a nice car, I live in a fairly nice house, I am over 2 years sober with no cravings for alcohol or drugs, my parents are still alive and extremely supportive, and I have friends today that I thought I would never have. My life has riches today that used to be completely bereft of any kind of love and companionship in past years. There is some truth to repeating a gratitude list in your head when you are feeling negative. People don’t have the worries I do, but I don’t have the worries other people do either. Maybe your life isn’t perfect, but at least you’re not facing a conviction. Maybe someone isn’t facing a conviction like me, but they don’t have their family like I do. Is that God’s way of balancing things out? I might be jealous of Jennifer Lopez in every way, but it took her till she was in her 50s to find the love of her life after four divorces. Sometimes, that’s just the way the hand is dealt. I have to keep my focus on the positive before I get stuck in another loop of desolation and self-pity that consumed my 20s and 30s.
The funniest thing is I always thought I was “fat and ugly” back then that’s why no one would love me. Well, I am about 40 pounds heavier now, and can look at myself in the mirror and take pictures and think I am beautiful today. My husband calls me gorgeous even though sometimes I can’t see it, and I find myself dressing up and taking care of myself a lot more than I ever have. Those little victories I am holding onto – maybe this conviction will hold me back, but I don’t think I should stop living life because of it.
After all, there is a lot of me I am proud of today, as opposed to how I was years ago.
Usually when a celebrity dies, people can be dramatically affected. This is how I felt about the original Lois Lane, Margot Kidder. Her life was full of ups and downs and tragedies like most of Hollywood, but like another iconic character, Princess Leia, (Carrie Fisher), the alcoholism and bipolar spoke to me the most.
This is a deadly combination. I have been dealing with alcoholism since my early teens, and never knew that it was one of the biggest factors in my bipolar diagnosis. My untreated bipolar went on as raging alcoholism for years, until the psychiatrists finally caught me with a net, threw me in the hospital and pumped me full of pills.
But like these iconic characters from my youth, the pills weren’t the answer because it may have treated the bipolar, but the deadlier disease of addiction was the real malady. I am sure Margot Kidder didn’t realize the extent of her alcoholism like many don’t. In my case, I thought if I could balance the medication somehow with a controlled drinking schedule, somehow, some way everything would be okay. Little did I know, drinking and mixing medication was an even deadlier malady than the addiction itself. I found myself in the horrible cycles of mania, which eventually led me to jails and institutions for almost 20 years of my life.
Finally breaking free of these chains, however, the stories about some of my beloved muses still rock me to this day. How was I able to overcome what they couldn’t? I should maybe step on the brakes right there, because I will never “beat” addiction, I just conquer the urges one day at a time.
The most important lesson that I have learned is there is no cure for addiction or bipolar, it is a constant work in progress that the body and mind have to adapt to. There is a science behind being able to cure yourself with mindfulness and living in the present, because I am on less than half of the medication I was on years ago. Some might say, I have an immunity to them now, but they keep the mania at bay while my abstinence from alcohol does the rest.
Even though Margot Kidder died in 2018 and Carrie Fisher in 2017, these iconic women forever live in my mind as sisters in pain for the ailments of alcohol and bipolar that challenge me every day. I amaze myself on a daily basis how I am able to resist the urge for a drink, and my wild streak of wanting to numb my feelings or just party the night away has been lifted.
Sometimes it just boils down to growing up and taking responsibility for your life.
Because when you realize you are worth so much more than a substance you can be free.
And even if it was in a more tragic way, both Margot Kidder and Carrie Fisher are free too.
An Inspired Odyssey Through✨️Ink & Stardust✨️ 