inspiredodyssey daily prompt

To be or Not to Be Typical – An Interesting Day

Today was my first real attempt at being someone’s sponsor. I had tried it before, but this time feels more real. My mind has been jumbled with all the emptiness and ungratefulness swirling around my brain as of late, and if being sober has taught me anything, my alcoholic mind is trying to trap me in all my complacency to take that first drink. So no, today wasn’t typical – I pushed myself out of my isolation and self-pity and decided to take the gift that God gave me and pass it on to the next suffering alcoholic.

Bipolar-wise, I am a little worried. I am actually screaming out these days, (I mean it in the absolute literal sense), like screaming “*UCK!!” at the top of my lungs when I am frustrated. I live alone so it isn’t an odd thing, but I have noticed that this screaming out obscenities out of frustration just started happening lately. I know it is directly linked to my sobriety and the fact that my usual go-to of going to a restaurant and sitting with a huge bottle of wine is no longer an option to deal with all my emotions. Having to deal with the volcanic hot-tempered Latin/Carribean blood on a daily basis is really starting to get to me, on a level like I’ve never felt before because there is no other outlet right now other than screaming, (which is probably not good for my neighbors).

My angsty-ness also is coming from my relationship. I do love my boyfriend very much, but his living situation is a sore spot for me. There is a lot going on in his life that he needs to fix, and sometimes it feels to me like he is not putting in the effort. I don’t think a lot of it is his fault mostly because he was never encouraged to ever pursue his dreams or make things happen for himself. Encouragement goes a long way for people, especially if you didn’t have a lot of it growing up – so in his case I am going to try and be more compassionate. Also, today is the 29th and there is a chance he may lose his benefits due to some paperwork technicality next month, and that is a real scare for the both of us.

So yeah, not a typical day. There is a lot up in the air right now, and a lot of things I need to figure out going forward. I took another $1000 out of my savings account to cover costs this month, but to be honest most of it was for Galaxy Con in Raleigh this year, and it was totally worth it. Just taking my picture with William Shatner and meeting one of the men I used to dream about growing up was such a thrill for me, and honestly, it’s not worth worrying about the money it took to enjoy that day. I may be way too fat in the picture, but you know what, it’s a memory I will always have.

Having my therapy session was also good today – I learned that my unfulfillment may be coming off of such an exciting weekend, and my life just pales in comparison. I feel fulfilled when I am around a lot of people, sharing stories and ideas – that’s why I enjoyed one of the Panel Room discussions “Ten Forward” so much at the convention. It was a real opportunity to talk Trek and geek out with fellow fans – I think I am missing that kind of camaraderie in my life. I am going to take advantage of all the clubs I joined at the convention too, so maybe I can enjoy more outings with fellow geeks and sci-fi peeps.

Anyway, also mailed my boyfriend’s gift box today too – I was shocked that it was $37 to ship at the Post Office – lesson learned that I need to start shipping UPS now. I sent him a bunch of stuff from the convention along with some cute Knick knacks and a card and a letter I wrote. I sent a letter and card to my ex-husband and his mom too – something that I didn’t think I was going to do. I didn’t respond to his last letter to me because I wanted to concentrate on my current relationship and not dig up past feelings, but I think he really needs my support right now. I changed my number, and I don’t want him to have it, so I am not going to call, but I felt I needed to send that letter of encouragement for him to try to at least get sober – it really hurt he got beat up by three guys outside of a bar last weekend. He doesn’t need a life like that, and oh, he could have had such a good life with me; I wanted to take care and be with him so badly, I loved him so much, but he chose the drugs over me again, and I just couldn’t do it anymore. I hope my letter helps a little, I know he doesn’t really have anyone on his side, and I always was. I still love him in so many ways and think of him all the time. It’s heartbreaking to me all the time, and I still cry when a song comes on the radio, but I guess that’s a wound that will take long to heal. In fact, I cried on the way home just today.

So yeah, not your typical day.

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
Was today typical?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

The Missing “Colors” of Life

Touch, smells, sounds just the presence of someone seems to be missing from modern society. The humanness of social interactions is so lost because there is so much we do from behind our screens.

I lived a long time behind a screen – probably close to 15 years to be exact. It was an endless circle of emptiness in relationships and most of all, friendships. As a society, I believe we have moved toward that lifestyle or that way of being, and it is so sad. I understand we live in a post-COVID world, but that doesn’t mean we have to abandon the sense of community which makes living so worth while.

I admit, I have an issue with my relationship now. It is long distance, so it is over the phone, video call, and mostly online communication. After escaping that online hell I had created for myself and left New York by going on a crazy adventure with my now ex-husband, I made up my mind that I would live in the “real” world and wouldn’t be stuck in the online world that modern society has deemed normal. I cultivate real relationships and friendships these days; I go out into the world and interact with my fellow humans on a daily basis, or as much as I can. I go to events alone if I have to, I start meetups on my NextDoor neighborhood app, and I am very active in my recovery community. Maybe being sober all this time and being what I call a “recovered bipolar” has helped me escape the cycle of depression that runs so rampant in the world today.

I will be honest; I miss the joy in life. There is so much joylessness in this society that my only wish is that actual joy would come back. Here is a perfect example:

What is the different between these two McDonald’s? Can you see it? Where is the color of life anymore? I went into a store the other day and couldn’t even find the 64 Crayola crayons either. Remember where there were 64 colors to create masterpieces with? Modern society has become so dull and bereft of life; I honestly believe it’s due to the lack of human connection.

So, what would I change? I would do a complete overhaul and bring life and color back into the world again – bring the HUMAN element back before we all end up actually looking like and being what AI represents.

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What would you change about modern society?
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inspiredodyssey Featured

Keeping Busy offline- The Key to a Happy Well-Being

In the internet age, people have become too complacent staying home behind a computer screen. Isn’t it a tragedy that most people don’t like going outside anymore? During post-COVID, more and more people are working from home, so simple interactions with three-dimensional people have become a thing of the past.

In my life, I got forced to go outside and live my life. I spent over 15 years in a cycle of eat, sleep, internet, and rinse and repeat. I had absolutely no idea of what it was like to have actual friends and what it was like to live a busy fun-filled life. My health and well-being were so damaged, and I had no idea how to change it – and with all the hospitalizations over the years, I just felt completely defeated. So, when I got the opportunity to finally change all that when I met my husband, I went for it. Needless to say, it ended up incredibly toxic and even more damaging, but it still led me to an adventure of a lifetime. #NOREGRETS.

These days, I have an incredibly full life. Even though I don’t live in the main city anymore, I still travel there a couple of days a week to catch up with all the events and the people that I know. During the week, I keep myself incredibly occupied as well. I admit that I find myself on the internet trolling chatrooms sometimes, but some habits do die hard, lol. But it is more a passing through attitude now, where it used to be an all day, everyday thing. But in my honest opinion, being offline for almost 3 years was the best thing to ever happen to me, and to maintain a healthy well-being is to stay offline as much as possible during the day. Reading a book, working out, go to an AA meeting, going to church, (even when it’s empty and just me finding peace), going to lunch with friends, walking around a bookstore or thrift shop, going to the library -these are all things that promotes a healthy well-being. Just being out in the world where you are out with people is the best medicine. I find it so sad when someone tells me they hate people – fellowship is the best part about being alive. We need people to elevate and promote our own healthy mental health. Maybe that’s just my opinion, I don’t know.

So, if you want good health and a balanced well-being, dump the computer, put down the phone, and GO OUTSIDE!!

Cheers to a good life! (with a non-alcoholic drink, well for me, anyway lol)

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What strategies do you use to maintain your health and well-being?
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inspiredodyssey Featured

I Value Security now, Rather than Adventure

Some would say hightailing it out of NYC to North Carolina on a whim, riding high and fast on pills, alcohol and cocaine an adventure – because when I turned 40 years old, something happened to my brain, quite literally. Suffice to say, it landed me in jail and then a homeless shelter/rehab for another 15 months and then getting placed in sober living for another long nine months before finally getting a place of my own. Since then, peace, and security, security being all I crave and am now seeking now in my life.

I would love more adventures with my new boyfriend, sure. But sober, boring adventures, lol. I would love to see places – go visit Roswell, see the sights of Los Angeles that I never have, show him NYC from the point of view from a true New Yorker, and just many, many more. But the only adventure I have known so far have been total self-destructive ones – my life in NYC was full of it. Full of mental institutions, one-night stands and all-around bad behavior. Sure, there were times in my teens and 20s when I ruled the club scene, when I danced and drank all night long, and experienced a night life that many wouldn’t in their lifetime, BUT it came at a big price – severe alcoholism and bipolar disorder.

So, you can say that I am seeking pure clean fun and security now. Just a nice boring life, lol. Sure, I can have fun sober, and since my boyfriend doesn’t drink or smoke, we could have nothing but late-night talks and plenty of sex while traveling the world. I suppose you could call that an adventure in itself, but to me that seems pretty tame than what I have been used to. I guess when you get to a certain age, (and you’re still on probation, lol), some things do seem more important than others.

Cheers to the future!

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
Are you seeking security or adventure?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Relationships Get Better with Age

I have realized since being in my 40s, I relate to people a lot better than I did when I was younger. I can set boundaries today, I can pull back when needed to, and I also know exactly the type of people I want in my life, and what people I don’t.

Toxicity is rampant in most relationships these days, and I feel as you get older, you get better at weeding that out. Of course, this varies per individual, but you get what I mean. I find that especially in the relationship I am in now. I love my boyfriend so much, but I am aware that in order to make a relationship work, we need to allow a certain amount of space for each other to grow. We need to be two “whole” people, instead of pieces of one trying to stick and paste to each other. He has specifically told me that he doesn’t want our relationship to be a codependent one, and I respect him so much for this. Me and my husband were incredibly codependent and toxic, and I don’t want to repeat past mistakes at all. Being with someone that has a certain sense of responsibility has been a real bonus for me in this relationship.

Having healthy relationships is also true for friendships as well. Have you ever had a friend just call you and vent for hours, but when you need to vent, they are nowhere to be found? How is that healthy? Do you know to remove these people from your life, or have the strength to?

As I’ve gotten older, my relationships have gotten older too. People that I knew when I was younger have grown into parents and elders and have matured as well as I have. It has been hard to maintain some of them, as my bipolarness alienated me from a lot of people of my past, but those that have stuck around have been closer than ever to me, and our bond has never been stronger.

But I think, personally, that the older you get, relationships with people just get better and better. Just look at how well seniors bond. Did you ever wonder why that is?

Just something to ponder.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What do you think gets better with age?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Legacy – Rock Bottom Doesn’t Have to Break You

To me the legacy I want to leave is one about hope and ultimate triumph. There were so many rock bottoms in my life, I mean, there was rock bottom, ten feet of crap, pond scum, then me. That’s where I was and where I have been, especially when I was laying on the floor of a jail cell in late 2021.

I just want to say, stay positive. So cliche to say that, but it’s so true. We speak so much of our lives into existence. Yoda says, there is do or do not, there is no try – and I can’t tell you how true that is. If you say, “I am going to try to go out today, I am going to try and get a better job, or I am going to try to be a better partner,” 9 times out of 10 it will not come to pass. You are either going to DO it, or you Don’t.

So much of being in rock bottom, is a lot of our own making. Sure, there are outside circumstances that can put us there, but we don’t have to lay there and wallow in it. It’s like my therapist told me, “We aren’t going to talk about your past at all, we will focus on the present and how that relates how to build a better future.” Thank God I searched out a therapist that is an actual psychologist with a PhD and not one who just took an online course and is suddenly a “therapist.” Trust me people, it does make a difference. We spend so much of our lives rehashing the past over and over, that we just end up living in it and never moving forward. These kinds of ways of thinking are how I have broken out of the biggest rock bottoms of my life.

My legacy is my story, in the way it shows how I have overcome so much in such a short period of time. Rock bottom doesn’t have to break you, it can propel you, to heights and a life greater than one you can ever imagine.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What is the legacy you want to leave behind?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Christmas in April

Anything to get me thinking about my favorite time of year is a nice welcome. Some people have a love/hate relationship with this holiday, but for me it’s always been my favorite. I have my fondest memories of my childhood at Christmas, like the time my parents’ car broke down in the snow and a nice man stopped and helped us, then hearing a bell ring and thinking “an angel got his wings” like in my favorite Christmas movie: “It’s a Wonderful Life” or when me and my husband spent our first Christmas together in a brand new state, with no money in our pocket, but holding each other on Christmas morning was more than enough.

Speaking of “It’s a Wonderful Life,” that became a Christmas tradition as well. I would watch it every year from 5 years old and onward, up till today. The lights, the cheer, the gift giving, all of it makes me feel bubbly inside. I think there is so much darkness in the world, but for one day a year it seems people come together with their families and friends and enjoy the cheer and hope the day brings. Children love it especially too.

Last year had a melancholic tone. My husband was in a psych hospital three hours away and I wasn’t taking his calls. I had gotten an IVC, (Involuntary Commitment Order) against him because he scared me really bad one night due to the fact that he stopped taking his meds. I remember the message he left me Christmas morning, wishing me a Happy Christmas, and that he loved me. That same day, I went to mass by myself, and stood in the pew and cried my eyes out the entire service. Thankfully, there were some kind people who offered their hugs in my time of sorrow. You would think that would ruin my views on Christmas, but it really didn’t. I remember coming home, having a quiet dinner and thanking God for my peace, and peace of mind. My husband was so deeply troubled he had brought me nothing but misery for a long time. It was my day of peace, and God had shown me the meaning of Grace – which was the greatest Christmas present than I could have ever hoped for.

So, this year, yes, I will be celebrating Christmas. My husband and I are no longer together, and I have cut off all contact with him, so he has no way to reach me ever again. Harsh as it was, it needed to get done. But this year, it will be filled with joy, fond memories, friends, family and of course, “It’s A wonderful Life” because after all, my life is truly wonderful just the way it is now.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What is your favorite holiday? Why is it your favorite?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

The Rabbit Hole of Mental Health Hospitals

What comes to mind? My ex-husband. Right now, he’s in NUMC, one of the worst mental hospitals in New York. My mind goes back to a time where I was just as hopeless as him, where I was at the mercy of the mental health system, to where I am at now.

I have been considering tapering down on my meds, which is really risky, but I want to do it. I have been sleeping sound, (thanks to my CPAP machine), for over two years now, and I have come to a point where I believe I don’t need to be on such heavy drugs. A couple of friends of mine made some points to me, one being that I have been so stable the past two years, BECAUSE I have been taking my meds regularly, not in spite of them. One could argue, I never allowed to give myself a chance to be mentally fit because I was always drinking, or in my ex-husband’s case, taking drugs. But coming up on three years clean and sober, I can think of a different path for my life than the endless revolving door of the mental health system that I was subject to just five years ago.

It’s really easy to go down the rabbit hole of mental institutions, especially when drugs and alcohol are involved. My ex-husband keeps saying he doesn’t drink, so that makes him okay and not an addict, but a total crack binge for 4 days in the streets once a month is normal to him. I can only say that now we are in totally different worlds, where I left that whole path of self-destruction.

Was I saved? Was it God? I don’t know. My ex-husband believes in God, but I think the only God that saves him when he gets in trouble time and time again. For me, my path was laid before me after intense personal turmoil and torture – a cycle of in and out the hospitals that spanned well over a decade, and an addiction to alcohol that lasted close to a quarter of a century. Why was I spared? I don’t know the answer to that either – but one thing is for sure – the rabbit hole for me finally bottomed out and I am free and clear for a bright new future – single again, but definitely mentally sound.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
Jot down the first thing that comes to your mind.
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inspiredodyssey love

Moving on, New Guestroom!

This room took a lot of work and soul searching. I had let this back room sit for months with all of my husband’s stuff all over, looking at it every day and getting more and more depressed. Moving on has been really hard; I listened to “Green Eyes” by ColdPlay today and started bawling my eyes out because it’s a song he used to sing to me in jail to keep him going. I feel guilty that I used to keep him going. His mom tells me I am the only friend he has in the world, and it’s so hard for me to hear that because I had to walk away.

This process has been both painful and freeing. I have never felt so confident, and proud, and at the same time so sad. I loved this man with all my heart. I know he is so bad for me. He has been in the streets so much since he has been back in New York, (I sent him on a bus back there from my house months ago), and all he has done is gone down a path of self-destruction. He has no purpose, no direction, and all he can see are those drugs – those are his obsession, and as much as he wants to say he loves me – he loves them more.

But my second bedroom is finished, and I am moving on with my life. Now I have a place for my friends to stay over when they need to. I feel accomplished and like I’m moving in the right direction.

Cheers to moving on!

Stay Tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Like a Phoenix, In Position to Finally Make a Difference

So, after a long period of time of not knowing what I wanted to do with my life, I am in a position to really make a difference in the next 10 years. All my experiences, all my success, everything I have been able to accomplish will finally come to light in the next decade. I have decided to finally work on my book this summer which is the prelude to the future career that I want to make for myself.

I have been doing a lot for the past 4 months, but I don’t have a real direction. I have been so obsessed with everything going on with my ex, that I haven’t concentrated at all on my myself. The last I heard he had shown back up at his mom’s house after a long drug binge that lasted four days and she sent him straight to the local psych ward to be evaluated. This is the third time this month this has happened, and after all this back and forth I can finally say I am finally able to break free. He hasn’t reached out to me, and I really hope he doesn’t because I have invested so much into him, I have neglected myself – hopefully, all of that is done now.

Anyway, I think it’s a scary venture, to really look at yourself and decide what you are going to do with the rest of your life. Living in darkness for so long in a bipolar haze has definitely clouded any hopes and dreams I could have possibly had for the future. I had also spent so long yearning so bad for any kind of relationship, that out of desperation I settled for the first man that gave me any kind of attention and breaking free has been an enormous feat. But also, being sober almost three years, (next week Saturday), and getting a good night’s sleep every night has impacted my mental health in a very positive way. It’s a story that needs to be told – a person that lost everything, her hopes, her dreams, her career, and most importantly her sanity at the tender age of 24 – to going through the mental health system for close to 20 years with a hospitalization every year during that time, to going to jail, being homeless, and finally bouncing back and having an amazing life through all of that.

I am literally like the Phoenix that arose out of such miserable ashes. My apartment, my job, my car, my family, my friends – all of the luxuries that I enjoy today, came to me by a lot of hard work, dedication and the Grace from God. I couldn’t have done this on my own – but to come through to a positive place after so many years of desolation is a beacon of hope to so many others that are still suffering. Like I mentioned, I feel my story needs to be told, and I want to accomplish that in the next 10 years.

I hope to also be able to open up a non-profit organization to help others who suffer from addiction and mental health issues. It is just a dream right now, but I honestly believe it can be a reality. I also want to let the many women out there know that there is hope, that they are beautiful, that they are worth it, and they don’t need to stay in a relationship that brings them pain. Matter of fact, that goes for both men and women because I know men suffer in those kinds of situations too. I hope to help as many people as I can in the upcoming years.

Cheers to the future! (with a non-alcoholic drink)

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
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