inspiredodyssey Uncategorized

Your Existence Doesn’t Depend on Someone Else’s Love for You

I wish I could have understood this simple truth in my teenage and young adult years. I have spent 30 years on the quest for acceptance and love by people, places, and things, well outside of myself. I wasted most of my life chasing after people’s affections, mostly from men, chasing money, chasing dreams that were so fantastical in bipolar mania, chasing highs, just chasing everything that could be bring me the joy that I never bothered to give myself.

I am still in a learning stage of my life today. At 45 years old, this lesson is the hardest to learn; the lesson of self-acceptance, gratitude, and self-forgiveness. Just last night, I was punishing myself for committing a sin against my body and God, when it was just a release that my body has been craving for weeks now.

My ministry is very important to me. I would not have gone on this journey if Mr. California hadn’t suggested that I meet with the priest and discuss joining the church. I would have stayed an outsider forever. It was hard because I was born and raised Muslim, and I am honestly the only one of my race here in this rural area of North Carolina. However, that didn’t stop my journey, or the amazing people who helped me and welcomed me with open arms into their church. These days, I am also so involved and grateful to be a part of something so rewarding like the Legion of Mary of my newly joined Catholic Church. Every Sunday, I bring Communion to elderly parishioners who can’t make it to church, and whether it is nursing homes or residences, it is always a magical and soul-filling experience. I am on my way to becoming a Eucharistic minister soon, so I can be the one who carries Jesus to them, as well as looking into restarting the jail ministry that stopped during COVID. Being formerly incarcerated myself, I know how important outreach is to these institutions. Spreading the Word as well as recovery from substances, would be so helpful right now.

I would have never made it this far if I were still sitting at my computer, trolling chatrooms and sex websites, giving of myself to all kinds of debaucheries online, drowning in alcohol, and chasing the highs of the attention of any man who would show me any. It was a desperate time, fueled by my teenage years of clubbing and drinking, searching, and searching for the love of my life to marry me and be with forever. My entire childhood was filled with dreams of falling deeply in love with someone who would take care of me; long nights and days filled with dreaming of the perfect man through TV shows and endless movies, then suddenly coming to a twisted realization later on, that I could only find that through sex. Fast forward to the wild ride I went on with my crack additcted, schizophrenic husband, where the final breaking point of obsession, madness, sexual chaos, and brokenness led us both to our doom and divorce.

These days it’s all so different. Yeah, I might be guilty of a little doom scrolling through Reddit or Facebook here and there, but my life isn’t consumed in online chatrooms or sex sites, drinking, chaos, or mental instiutions anymore. My life changed when I confessed my truth on the floor of that dirty jail cell in 2021. There I found my calling, I found my answer, and I have spent the last 4 years in sobriety walking towards God and trying to find my peace. And the obsession of finding a man to take care of me and loving me? It is still there, just not as it used to be. My existence no longer depends on someone else’s love for me. This crazy love affair with Mr. California has taught me so much about myself and how much growth was needed, and how wide my eyes have opened knowing that all that love and energy that I pour out into people needs to be poured back into myself.

I still have a lot to learn, but at least I am headed in the right direction.

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
Share a lesson you wish you had learned earlier in life.
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inspiredodyssey love

This Man Lights a Fire in Me

I remember the night of sex with my ex-husband, that was so orgasmic, I never thought anyone would match. But with Mr. California, my legs can’t stop squirming on a daily basis. Tonight was one of those nights. I just was on the couch talking to him, imagining what it would be like if he was on my couch with me, (we were trying to watch some really cool Justice League cartoons and a really good Stargate SG1 episode), but in between commercials, there was so much heavy flirting and teasing, I was dying for him so much.

This new chapter in our relationship is an interesting one. In the beginning, it was just as explosive, probably more so, because he was so openly in love with me and couldn’t contain how much he wanted me – marriage was even mentioned. Since then, through all the trials and tribulations, the heartache and pain we caused each other, the need and the chaos, the forgiveness, and desperation, we have come to this sort of compromised state. I am still blocked, and I know why I am; I lost that privilege when I showed him the real meaning of crazy. He said he would unblock me eventually, but I honestly feel a bit at peace with it. I leave him voicemails filled with prayers and love, and emails full of teasing and want. His calls come regularly and nightly, and to some that may seem incredibly unfair – even he said it all feels uneven, but to me I love him so much that I will take him in whatever form he is willing to give me.

This opportunity of freedom gives me the chance to go out and be in the world. I saw my bestie in Raleigh today, then my sci-fi friend, then took a nice drive to my parent’s house while they are out of town to take care of the property. The drive brought on tears, revelations, eighties music with thoughts of him, adventures I fantasized about and the realization that this exactly where God wants me right now. Everything that led up to this beautiful day, is the place and the duty that I was given since the floor of that jail cell, where I promised Jesus that I would never drink again, and join the church he founded by his apostles. Since that promise, I lost my husband, was homeless, lived with so many dramatic women in sober houses before finally finding my own place, then met Mr. California when I absolutely wasn’t looking and definitely didn’t expect to fall in love so hard and so deeply.

I don’t know what lays before me, but since taking my vows to Legion of Mary, and my promise to Christ to do his work and pursue a jail ministry, preaching God and sobriety, I think I am in the exact right place at the exact right time.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Serendipitous – My Favorite Word

I think it’s been my favorite word since I saw “Serendipity” (2001) with John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale. It simply means “happy chance, but can be interpreted as a form of fate or destiny”, something I have always believed in since I was a little girl. Many can argue that we make our own fate – as Sarah Conner showed us in Terminator 2: Judgement Day, but do we really? Are we really in control of our own destinies? What part does God play in all of that? When people say it’s in “God’s Time” or trust God’s plan, is that intertwined with fate as well?

Such big questions. I think serendipitous describes a lot of what transpired in my life between 2019 and now. I met my ex-husband in a psych ward, and the ride we went on through madness, drugs, chaos, incarceration and homelessness, taught me that no matter how much we try and force the hand of fate and bend it to our will, our actions and the deeds we do, directly result in what ultimately happens to us. It is said that angels are jealous of us because we have “free will”, God’s greatest gift to us. But is our will really free? Are the things that happen to us due to our many choices just all random, and not our destiny?

I think about that in terms of Mr. California. I write and think about him a lot these days, mainly because of how much in love with him I am. Was it serendipitous that we met? Did the long nights of tears over my ex-husband, pain and anguish I felt finally break because fate intervened? What made Mr. California message me that one January night? Why did I answer? I will never forget his first message to me – just something simple like “I am sorry you’re hurting, I hope you are able to sleep.” I don’t even know why I answered. but I did, and the heartbreak and grief that I had been feeling for months was lifted into the dramatic love affair that I was suddenly swept up in.

The problem with all of this is, I never got a chance to be single. I never knew what it was like to be completely on my own, feel all the feelings of solitude, loneliness, and singledom. I never got to really enjoy my apartment and all the freedoms that come with it. But, again, in a serendipitous twist that felt like fate, I was hospitalized so traumatically that it broke whatever relationship me and Mr. California had, bringing us to where we are now. These days, I am on my own a lot – there aren’t any more texts, and calls during the day – it is just me out in the world, rediscovering who I am, remembering how much I wanted to be free for so many years, practicing my faith in all ways that I can, and learning to love who I am – all without chasing after a man. I still enjoy my nightly calls with him, and there is lots of fun, laughs and sex, but not on the terms they were on before. This time it’s different, more shaky, more woven in the ways of rebuilding a foundation of what once was.

This is serendipitous new ground. The kind that God wants me to see. And yes, I have my free will – I always did, but the thread of my life that hangs in the balance is no longer dependent on the love of a man, but the love that I have for myself.

Daily writing prompt
What’s your favorite word?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Heartbreak – A Vicious Cycle

Today’s prompt asks, “what am I feeling right now”? Ultimate Heartbreak is the best answer. I am in love with a man that loved me so much once, one that helped get over the loss of my husband, one who promised to love and take care of me, but who now gaslights me and breadcrumbs me with scraps like a dog. I can’t express the pain of what I feel – by not having the strength to let go of someone who longer loves me, who is left begging every night with emails and voicemails, only to go to sleep heartbroken with a pillow full of tears. He still calls me, and keeps in contact with me, but only at the bare minimum. When I say it’s like he treats me like a dog he’s giving scraps to, it’s not an exaggeration at all. Everyone says, “just block him and move on,” but don’t you think if it was that easy, I would have done it already?

I am too worthless to break free. Today I am going to Confession and tell Father that my heartbreak is taking me away from God. I know God has plans for me that I can’t see or understand, but I know He wouldn’t want me living my life this way. I spent so long in darkness when I lived in NY, and now to do a repeat of those dark years finally living on my own seems so sad and is no way to live. Why do I put my value and worth on what a man thinks of me or feels for me? Can I not learn to live alone and enjoy my freedom and independence?

It is noon on a Saturday, and I have a whole day ahead of me. My best friend usually spends his whole day watching TV, I am starting to learn something from him- I currently have been reminiscing with Xena: Warrior Princess and will probably read some of my Star Wars book later. You know, I don’t have pressure, I don’t have stress, all my needs are met, and I have a mom and dad that love me and sacrificed everything for me. Why can’t I just be grateful? Why did I let this man come into my life and destroy me in such a way? My ex-husband was so toxic and basically destroyed my life, and now I am headed down a similar path in all my self-destruction. I want to look back on this and remember that I have been given all the opportunities in the world to enjoy my life, but I choose to stay wallowing in pain.

I don’t want to live like this anymore.

This is my cry for help.

Please make it stop.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
How are you feeling right now?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

What I’ve Been Excited About Lately

Life has been pretty interesting lately. The Edgar Allen Poe Speakeasy came to town, and GalaxyCon was a blast. Of course, the most exciting part of my day is always getting a phone call from Mr. California, who sets my heart on fire every time. It was nice of the legendary Sid Krofft to get on the phone with him when I was at GalaxyCon, it was a real treat for us both – also, it was nice to see some of his walls come down during these past few months.

Our relationship is such a precarious complicated one. The late-night laughs, the hours of banter and watching our favorite shows – I am finally experiencing Stargate SG-1 with him, and it has been so much fun. There are also so many cartoons I have been enjoying with him, snippets and snapshots of my childhood coming through, as I experience all of that with him. More on that in a bit –

The Edgar Allen Poe Speakeasy was definitely a test of my sobriety. I am so glad I had my bestie with me there and was so glad that she’s sober too. They served a drink with each tale being performed – Pale Blue Ice for Tell Tale Heart, The Cat’s Meow, (which was my favorite), for The Black Cat, some citrusy thing for The Raven, and a 100-proof Vodka drink called Red Death that had rose petals in it for The Masque of the Red Death. We had the non-alcoholic versions of those drinks, and I was kind of sad about it. I wish I could be able to drink responsibly and enjoy things, but it’s just not the same for a person like me. I didn’t mourn it too much, because the crowd was getting rowdy and my friend basically ran to her car to get away from all the stumbling patrons. Honestly, I think I would have been on the floor if I had the alcoholic version of those drinks. Still, the acting was incredible, and we had such a good time.

The same could be said about GalaxyCon which was jam packed with fun things to see, but I got stuck in a line for nearly four hours waiting for William Shatner. It was worth it though, because he’s 94, and Captain Kirk may not be around too much longer to give autographs. It was a rare opportunity that I had to take. I did get a chance to meet Billy Zane, who was very dashing, and like I mentioned earlier, I spent a lot of time with Sid Krofft and we talked about Land of the Lost and all the other cool shows he did in the 70s. He’s up there in age too, at 96, so that might have been my last chance to see him too. I was really happy he got to talk to Mr. California though, too bad my best friend was away from his phone when I tried to get Sid Krofft to call him too, but I did get autographs for both of them.

Life has been so up and down lately, even with all those fun things going on. I have been spending a lot of time with my bestie that I met on “Bumble for Friends” which is a great app if you’re looking for friends to do things with – but fair warning, it can be just as exhausting as online dating in some ways.

As far as Mr. California goes; this whole situation tugs on my heartstrings so much. I left so many desperate and pathetic voicemails for him on Thursday night, because I was so tired of our “situation” how it is. We had a long talk about it since, and even though it cleared up a few things, I am stuck in an endless cycle with a man that just can’t give me what I need, who I love with all my heart. It is up to me if I will cut ties and try to live my life and forget about him, or if I will keep on with the same thing. I don’t have the strength to leave him, but I know that we have isn’t healthy at all. Like Carrie Bradshaw once said, “he may be the one holding the whip, but I am the one constantly beating myself with it.”

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Leaving Behind a Legacy of Service

Today’s prompt was asking what Legacy I want to leave behind. The answer is simply the service I can give to others. Being in AA and now the Legion of Mary, I have come to feel the rewards of a new life that used to be crowded with selfishness. I was always selfish, so self-absorbed in my own life and worries, I never thought about others or the impact I could have on their lives. Now, I believe, when people think of me, I want them to remember someone who gave back to their community, as someone who helped those in need, and most of all helped those suffering in addiction.

People can argue the existence of God till their blue in the face, but nothing can take what the feeling is like to know that God, what I call my higher power, took away my addition to alcohol. It is nothing short of a miracle, especially as someone who was a chronic morning drinker; someone who’s first thought as soon as I woke up was to take a drink. It was all-consuming, all the time, and it ruined my life and all my relationships. Only in surrendering to God, or to me Jesus Himself, was where I learned redemption and what my true purpose was.

As I move forward in life, I am meeting a lot of people who struggle with that same strife that I was able to leave behind. I guide them through the 12 Steps, I give them rides to meetings, and I help them understand that there is a life beyond the dark corners of addiction. In addition to that, I am very devout in my church, serving the community by visiting elderly couples, nursing homes, and delivering the Eucharist to those not able to attend mass. It is the most rewarding experience of my life, and I hope that once I pass the probationary period of my Legion, I will be ordained as a Eucharistic minister, and I could deliver the Host myself.

This is the legacy I want to leave behind. One of service, one of love, and one of duty to my community. From the floor of a jail cell to homelessness on the streets, I have been delivered through the Grace of God to do this work out of gratitude of saving me, saving my soul, and saving my family.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey daily prompt, Uncategorized

My Decision to Leave New York That Changed Me Forever

Leaving New York changed my life forever. It was my home for all my life, but a manic drug induced episode added with the self-destructive behavior of my husband, led me to North Carolina, which is the home I know and love now.

That decision led to my sobriety, and I have learned and grown so much since I left the concrete jungle back on Halloween of 2020. It was mostly due to COVID as to why I left – I was just furloughed from my job, and the job market in NYC was tanking due to the pandemic. It was time to go, and I knew it, plus, my husband had just picked up some larceny charges because he tried to steal a lawn mower in Home Depot, so we wanted to escape. Also, I wanted a new life away from all the drugs in NYC – I figured if I got my husband out of there, we would have a new life. Come to find out, it was worse than ever – you may be able to take the man away from the drugs, but you can’t take the drugs out of the man. He would always be an addict, like I would always be an alcoholic. Unfortunately, I would be the only one to address my addiction and do something about it, he decided to remain an addict, which ultimately led to me leaving him.

As a whole, the decision to leave NYC ended up being the best decision of my life. I have never known a better life here in North Carolina. I have so many friends, I was able to give a home for my boyfriend, (ex now, but I am trying to win him back), I have my independence, and I am living the life I have always wanted to live. It has been a long road to get here, but I don’t think I would have ever separated from my parents if I didn’t leave. I had lived so many years in a prison in their home, drinking into oblivion and ending up in a psych ward every year for almost 2 decades. I thought I would never break free and make a life for myself, and even though I had to go through jail and being homeless to do it, I feel it was all well worth it.

Cheers to living sober, and new beginnings.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
Describe a decision you made in the past that helped you learn or grow.
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

One Positive Change – I Choose Not to Drink Today

Out of any of the accomplishments I have ever had, this is the one that has been the most impactful on my life. I can’t tell you enough what it is like to be free from alcohol. Drugs were never my thing, but I did do drugs with my ex-husband, and it completely took over his life and changed him completely. It ultimately led to me leaving him, and from what I hear now, he is locked away in a psych ward somewhere – permanently.

I choose not to drink – not an easy feat. A lot of people have trouble with this because drinking is just so social and easy to slip into. But then, after a few social occasions, drinking can bring you to a dark place – a place where you find yourself recoiling from others and drinking alone. Then starts the obsession, day trips to the liquor store just when they open and then spiraling down into alcoholism. This is the place I was for 15 years – add on bipolar disorder and a trip to psych ward the same time every year – I was a prisoner of this disease with no way out.

It took extreme circumstances to get me out. I went to jail, was homeless, went to rehab, and was in sober living for nearly three years of ongoing craziness, trying to find my place in the world. Through all of that, I was sober and took a hard look at myself. My amazing parents did move here from New York to help me, but they refused to take me in when I was homeless, and it was the best thing they ever did for me. It allowed God to step in and allow me to move to my small, quiet North Carolina town where I have found community with so many amazing people.

God took the urge from me completely – I was a morning drinker – emptying half a Snapple every morning and filling the other half with vodka to get on the train and go to work every single morning for years because I was just drowning in my misery and not taking care of myself. Today, I take good care of my body and health, take my medicine and give back to the world in every way I can – a far cry from the person I used to be.

Today, I am happy, joyous and free – (despite a little heartbreak), which is one of the promises of AA.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
Describe one positive change you have made in your life.
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt

Loving this Spring

My favorite type of weather is Fall, but I am definitely loving this Spring. Warm days, cool nights with the windows open, definitely some good memories to be made. I have had a couple of wonderful days, (except with a feeling of guilt last night for committing sin), but I think my days of fearing punishment are long behind me.

I love it when it is around 70 degrees. I feel like it’s the perfect temperature, with the smell of rain in the air. It is a fresh smell, a welcoming smell. Fall is my favorite season, but after the events of last Fall I have to rethink that. Usually, it’s Spring, and around Easter that send me straight to the hospital, but last year took a different turn of events. I am also feeling less guilty about my ex-boyfriend. His emails are getting less and less, which is leading me to believe that he is starting to fade me out of his life. It is my worst fear, but I am not going to sit around and let it destroy my life. I am out doing things, especially things like going to the gym again, which I am really proud of myself for. The only thing left is to fix my eating habits, so I can actually lose weight, but either way I am really proud. I have also started going to my AA meetings again, which it is really important to me. I have had a couple of really good days, and as the days count down to Easter, I am hopeful for the future.

I think about my ex often, I still think there is a future for us. God led him to me, I know He did. I had never met a Catholic man before, and what I learned from him and the Church, it has propelled me in this direction toward my faith. It is an exciting time, where I will be converting from being raised Muslim, to a fully baptized Catholic. So much has gone into this = from jail and homelessness to a profound rebirth. I am grateful, and most of all I will hold onto the love I shared with my ex, and hope that one day he comes around. In the meantime, I will focus on myself, my faith, and my future.

Daily writing prompt
What is your favorite type of weather?
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inspiredodyssey Featured

Never Stop Learning

Today’s most important lesson: Learning to Love oneself. I have a hard time with this one because of how much negativity surrounds my sense of self and being. Being sober now almost 4 years, I have learned to take great pride in myself and accomplishments. Acts of self-love are truly necessary – the manicures, pedicures, taking myself out on a date – these are all things that has helped me understand how truly special I am.

Falling in love with yourself is a gift, one I don’t take lightly or take for granted. It is important to do acts of love for yourself, even if it is in a small way on a daily basis. Having a clean apartment, or room, is an act of love that most people don’t even think about. An environment of cleanliness can boost one’s mood and invokes a sense of accomplishment which shows how much your love yourself. Cooking a healthy meal out of love for your body is also very important. Positive reinforcement, (having loving notes to yourself on the fridge), can make you feel good about yourself every time you see it. These are all learned behaviors that take time and practice to implement, but the repetitiveness of it can yield positive results.

Never forget that with all the negativity around us, it is up to us to make a positive bubble of our sense of self to keep us happy. Outside influences are fleeting because inner strength comes with a lot of self-reflection and work. I am guilty of not following these principles because I let people, places and things affect my inner joy – I need to be stronger in my self-conviction if I ever want to achieve true happiness.

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
What is the last thing you learned?
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