inspiredodyssey Uncategorized

The One Change – Seeing Myself Through Softer Eyes

We all have it — the little voice that whispers, “not good enough,” “not pretty enough,” “not thin enough.”

I wish, in the deepest part of my heart, that this voice wasn’t so loud for me.

I battle with it every day, especially with a bipolar mind that loves to spiral and exaggerate things until I’m drowning in thoughts that aren’t true. But I am trying — truly trying — to live the best life I can in spite of all that noise.

Keeping that inner critic quiet only comes with action — with putting my life in motion. Getting out there. Meeting people. Spending time with friends. Going to events. Showing up for groups. Working in therapy. Taking action to push back against the thoughts that want to swallow me whole.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that rituals of self-care make the battlefield quieter.

Making my bed every morning.

Eating breakfast even when I’m not hungry.

Forcing myself to shower when my body feels heavy as stone.

These simple acts quiet that inner enemy — that inner bully — who tries to make me feel small in a world that can already be harsh and unforgiving.

But here’s the part I never say out loud:

I have lived through things that should have broken me long before now.
And yet here I am, still rebuilding, still rising, still showing up to my own life.

💔 If I Could Change Anything… It Would Be the Way I See Myself

Because how do you explain to a mind like mine — one that spirals, crashes, grieves, aches — that I am not the girl I used to be?

How do you convince yourself that you are worthy when you’ve survived:

• jail
• homelessness
• addiction
• heartbreak
• humiliation
• the ghost of Giovanni
• and the long road back to yourself?

How do you quiet that voice when your past is loud and your fears feel louder?

You do it by looking at the life you built after everything fell apart.

🔥 I Rebuilt My Life From Ashes

When my ex-husband left and the world felt like it was collapsing, I didn’t just survive — I began again.

I clawed my way out of a life that nearly destroyed me.

I found a home — my home.
I found stability.
I found dignity.
I found a routine that keeps me grounded.

I found sobriety and fought for it with everything in me. Four years is not an accident. It’s work. It’s faith. It’s choosing myself even when my brain tries to convince me I don’t deserve to be chosen.

And I found a purpose.

✝️ I Found My Faith Again

I walked into the Legion of Mary and discovered that God had not abandoned me — He was just waiting for me to come home.

I built a life where I serve others.
Where I bring Communion to the elderly and the disabled.
Where I pray with people who need comfort.
Where my presence actually means something.

That inner critic loves to pretend I am a failure.
But the truth? I am someone’s blessing every week.
I am someone’s comfort.
I am someone’s kindness showing up at their door.

🤝 I Found Love and Friendship That Feels Like Home

My friends — my circle — my people:
My soul sister, my oldest friend, my soulmate and lifelong friend… the ones who answer the late-night calls, who sit with me during spirals, who love me through the storms.
They’re not here by accident.
They’re here because I have a heart worth staying for.

🏡 And Then There Are My Parents

Two people who crossed states just to rescue me.
Two people who gave everything they had to lift me out of darkness.
Two people who still show up, every single day.

Their love is proof that I am not the worthless, unlovable thing my brain sometimes tells me I am.
Their love is evidence of my worth — and a reminder that I come from strength.

🌸 The One Thing I’m Learning to Change

Not my bipolar mind.
Not my spirals.
Not my sensitivity.
Not my softness.
Not even the messiness of loving people too deeply.

The only thing I would change…
is the way I speak to myself.

I want to look in the mirror and see the survivor, not the mistakes.
I want to see the daughter my parents are proud of, the woman my friends love, the Legionary who serves with compassion, the girl who made it out of a life that should have swallowed her.

I want to see the woman who rebuilt everything.

Because I am not the voice in my head.

I am the life I’ve created.
I am the strength I’ve shown.
I am the love I give.
I am the hope I keep reaching for.

And if I could change anything about myself, it would be to finally — finally — see myself the way the people who love me already do.

Daily writing prompt
What is one thing you would change about yourself?
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inspiredodyssey Uncategorized

Your Existence Doesn’t Depend on Someone Else’s Love for You

I wish I could have understood this simple truth in my teenage and young adult years. I have spent 30 years on the quest for acceptance and love by people, places, and things, well outside of myself. I wasted most of my life chasing after people’s affections, mostly from men, chasing money, chasing dreams that were so fantastical in bipolar mania, chasing highs, just chasing everything that could be bring me the joy that I never bothered to give myself.

I am still in a learning stage of my life today. At 45 years old, this lesson is the hardest to learn; the lesson of self-acceptance, gratitude, and self-forgiveness. Just last night, I was punishing myself for committing a sin against my body and God, when it was just a release that my body has been craving for weeks now.

My ministry is very important to me. I would not have gone on this journey if Mr. California hadn’t suggested that I meet with the priest and discuss joining the church. I would have stayed an outsider forever. It was hard because I was born and raised Muslim, and I am honestly the only one of my race here in this rural area of North Carolina. However, that didn’t stop my journey, or the amazing people who helped me and welcomed me with open arms into their church. These days, I am also so involved and grateful to be a part of something so rewarding like the Legion of Mary of my newly joined Catholic Church. Every Sunday, I bring Communion to elderly parishioners who can’t make it to church, and whether it is nursing homes or residences, it is always a magical and soul-filling experience. I am on my way to becoming a Eucharistic minister soon, so I can be the one who carries Jesus to them, as well as looking into restarting the jail ministry that stopped during COVID. Being formerly incarcerated myself, I know how important outreach is to these institutions. Spreading the Word as well as recovery from substances, would be so helpful right now.

I would have never made it this far if I were still sitting at my computer, trolling chatrooms and sex websites, giving of myself to all kinds of debaucheries online, drowning in alcohol, and chasing the highs of the attention of any man who would show me any. It was a desperate time, fueled by my teenage years of clubbing and drinking, searching, and searching for the love of my life to marry me and be with forever. My entire childhood was filled with dreams of falling deeply in love with someone who would take care of me; long nights and days filled with dreaming of the perfect man through TV shows and endless movies, then suddenly coming to a twisted realization later on, that I could only find that through sex. Fast forward to the wild ride I went on with my crack additcted, schizophrenic husband, where the final breaking point of obsession, madness, sexual chaos, and brokenness led us both to our doom and divorce.

These days it’s all so different. Yeah, I might be guilty of a little doom scrolling through Reddit or Facebook here and there, but my life isn’t consumed in online chatrooms or sex sites, drinking, chaos, or mental instiutions anymore. My life changed when I confessed my truth on the floor of that dirty jail cell in 2021. There I found my calling, I found my answer, and I have spent the last 4 years in sobriety walking towards God and trying to find my peace. And the obsession of finding a man to take care of me and loving me? It is still there, just not as it used to be. My existence no longer depends on someone else’s love for me. This crazy love affair with Mr. California has taught me so much about myself and how much growth was needed, and how wide my eyes have opened knowing that all that love and energy that I pour out into people needs to be poured back into myself.

I still have a lot to learn, but at least I am headed in the right direction.

Stay tuned.

Daily writing prompt
Share a lesson you wish you had learned earlier in life.
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inspiredodyssey Uncategorized

Here Come the Holidays ….

So, I always made a big deal of Christmas, but for most holidays I was always alone. My family never really celebrated, (other than Christmas morning), so there was never anything to really get excited about. HOWEVER, in a wonderful, blissful, turn of events, I will be spending the upcoming holidays with Mr. California watching so many amazing TV shows, cartoons, and movies.

We planned it last year when he selflessly sent me two hard drives filled to the max with tons and tons of tv shows, movies and cartoons, from nostalgic years to present blockbusters. I was floored – it was the best present anyone had ever given me, and it must have taken countless hours of ripping DVDs, (and even VHS), onto media files to fill these hard drives. He even sent me a Samsung DVD player that has a USB port, so I can play the media files on. SO THOUGHTFUL!! *Swoon* But alas, we never found time last year because we were busy camming on Skype, (RIP. I hate you Microsoft), or time on the phone just falling more and more in love.

Fast forward to this year, where circumstances have things really different now; Skype is gone, and we just have all this time on the phone to hang out and watch things together. The latest thing has been Stargate SG-1. I never watched the show, and Mr. California has every season on DVD. We started out with him Dropboxing me episodes as we watched them, but I found out that Amazon Prime had every season, along with every season of Stargate: Atlantis, (I want to tackle that next), so we started watching there, (hate the commercials though).

On a good note, I really got into the Christmas spirit today because I am a huge action figure and doll collector, and I thought it would be cool if I can get him an action figure from the series for Christmas. The problem is these action figures are extremely rare because SG-1 never made enough of them. So, I found myself buying a $130 action figure for him, which is WAY beyond what I had in my Christmas budget for him, but I honestly thought would be really cool. Also, I am going to get a nice clear display case to send too, because hey, he better keep it safe! Also, as a side Christmas present for myself, (I already overdid it by buying myself a retro PS2), I got the female lead in Stargate SG-1 – who his action figure is in love with. So, he has the boy, and I have the girl, how cute!

Okay, I realize all of that sounds completely crazy because things are so tight money wise right now, but you know, the memories I am making with him I can’t put a price tag on.

And I didn’t even tell you the best part! I am really looking forward to Halloween! Part of the stuff he gave me on the hard drive was a File Folder called “Halloween and SPOOKY things,” I love that! There is so much in there, like Scooby Doo stuff, Charlie Brown Stuff, Ghostbusters and Beetlejuice stuff, Evil Dead Stuff, and tons of fun stuff to watch this Halloween season! He said he was going to make a list, and I should make a list, so we can come together and figure out what we want to watch together in the month of October. I am so excited! And of course, when the spooky stuff is over, we will look forward to December and all the Christmas stuff. I can’t tell you the joy it would bring me to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” with him – it’s my all-time favorite Christmas movie.

So yeah, things definitely look different after my manic episode last year, but at least I get to explore so many new things with Mr. California now, that I am so excited about. I have also learned more about his moodiness, his silence, his stress, all his worries, and all the things he says he hates about himself that ruin all his relationships. Little does he know, I am in it for the long haul, and he has my heart directly in his hands.

Here’s to a great holiday season!

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
How do you celebrate holidays?
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt, Uncategorized

My Decision to Leave New York That Changed Me Forever

Leaving New York changed my life forever. It was my home for all my life, but a manic drug induced episode added with the self-destructive behavior of my husband, led me to North Carolina, which is the home I know and love now.

That decision led to my sobriety, and I have learned and grown so much since I left the concrete jungle back on Halloween of 2020. It was mostly due to COVID as to why I left – I was just furloughed from my job, and the job market in NYC was tanking due to the pandemic. It was time to go, and I knew it, plus, my husband had just picked up some larceny charges because he tried to steal a lawn mower in Home Depot, so we wanted to escape. Also, I wanted a new life away from all the drugs in NYC – I figured if I got my husband out of there, we would have a new life. Come to find out, it was worse than ever – you may be able to take the man away from the drugs, but you can’t take the drugs out of the man. He would always be an addict, like I would always be an alcoholic. Unfortunately, I would be the only one to address my addiction and do something about it, he decided to remain an addict, which ultimately led to me leaving him.

As a whole, the decision to leave NYC ended up being the best decision of my life. I have never known a better life here in North Carolina. I have so many friends, I was able to give a home for my boyfriend, (ex now, but I am trying to win him back), I have my independence, and I am living the life I have always wanted to live. It has been a long road to get here, but I don’t think I would have ever separated from my parents if I didn’t leave. I had lived so many years in a prison in their home, drinking into oblivion and ending up in a psych ward every year for almost 2 decades. I thought I would never break free and make a life for myself, and even though I had to go through jail and being homeless to do it, I feel it was all well worth it.

Cheers to living sober, and new beginnings.

Stay Tuned.

Daily writing prompt
Describe a decision you made in the past that helped you learn or grow.
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inspiredodyssey daily prompt, Uncategorized

Getting Lost in an Adventure

Don’t you miss the days where hours and hours got lost in imagination? I try my best to recapture them by finding activities that I can lose myself in. Reading an actual book is one of them. I have a Kindle, but I don’t think it’s the same at all. There is nothing like curling up on your couch during a thunderstorm and getting lost in a world of fantasy and adventure, (lately for me, it’s been a sci-fi interstellar world).

Getting lost in hobbies is the best way to connect to a time past that we want to remember or relive. When I was younger, my imagination used to take me to far off lands and places I haven’t thought about in years. I think that’s one of the reasons why I collect action figures and dolls. I didn’t have a lot of toys growing up, and there are so many cool action figures from TV shows and movies from the 80s and 90s, I couldn’t help but become addicted.

One of the coolest and best things my ex-boyfriend did for me, (I am still trying to win him back), is get me a hard drive with all the cartoons and movies from my childhood. I get lost in movies so much with my imagination that it was the nicest and most thoughtful things anyone has ever gotten me. He didn’t leave anything out either, down to Galaxy Quest, every Star Trek and Disney’s Ducktales, Rescue Rangers, and many, many more. He was such a good man, and I am currently in the process of trying my best to ease his heart after my last crazy manic episode.

So, whatever it is that brings you joy that you can get lost in, whether it be a hike through a mountain path, a walk on the beach with your best friend, or an adventure you can get lost in at home, remember to treat yourself. We only have one life to live, might as make it as memorable and fantastic as possible.

Daily writing prompt
What activities do you lose yourself in?
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inspiredodyssey Uncategorized

Jail, Institutions and Death

To the Future

So, to anyone in recovery, we know those terms. I am in a rehab now, and on the rare opportunity that I have a chance to sit at a computer and write down my feelings, I’m going to take it. I’ve just been in jail, now I’m in another institution, I’ve been in so many mental hospitals, when does it end?

I had a good career, I have a husband, I relocated from New York to North Carolina during the pandemic; I thought this was it, my big break – but no, it was my downfall instead.

I am in this rehab, and everyday I want to leave. My sentence is 9 more months in this place and I want to die. I thought I would be able to make it here, but it’s hard. I want to go home. You guys don’t know how lucky you are to be able to blog and share – this was my outlet for so long, and now I have nothing to help me, really, through my struggles.

AA is helpful though. At first, the meetings were hard to stomach, a lot of sharing on topics that bored me; so much so that I would snore at meetings, (nice people tap me on my knee or shoulder to wake me up), but I think I am coming around to the whole idea of it. Will I attend meetings after I leave here? I honestly don’t know. Hell, I don’t even know how I am going to make it through my 4th step that I am working on with my sponsor.

Where do I go from here? Everyday is a girt I just want to regift back to God, I swear it’s true even though that may sound terrible. I am miserable in my skin. I didn’t want my life to turn out like this. My husband is in a mental hospital straight out of jail, I am in this rehab straight out of jail and it seems God deems to separate us for going on two years now. Hoe is this possible? I am grateful that I get to talk to him on the phone, and my parents did take me to visit him so I got a kiss. (YAY), but other than that, husband and wife are doomed apart for at least another year.

Jail, institutions and death – how close I have come to that last one this go around. I have always been on the outskirts – my crazy bipolar takes me just so far, but the crack and cocaine took me to jail. I am lucky to be alive after all that happened, all the poisons I put in my body, but I know for a fact that God has a purpose for me. What it is, and what it will be is hidden to me for now, but just for now. I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey love, Uncategorized

In Crisis – I Can’t Walk Away Because No One Else Ever Wanted Me.

Homeless adult male sitting in subway tunnel, hands on head

My self-esteem is at an all-time low. I have waited and dated miserably for over a decade for a man to come into my life who loves me completely – the only problem is he can’t beat his drug addiction.

I never wanted to date an addict – never – only because I know how hard that road is.  I had left my fiance when I was 19 due to his addiction and selling drugs, and I don’t know, it seemed easier to start over then. Everything seemed easier when I was younger. Now that I’m approaching 40, I have to say that dating had gotten so excruciatingly painful,  I honestly thought I would be spending the rest of my life alone. I don’t want to date, I don’t want to try, I don’t want to do anything anymore.

I really think I am falling into a depression. I am no prize either, I mean with my mental illness and my fat and ugly, pot-hole face and body, who the hell would want me? Am I going to stay in this relationship because I simply think I can’t get anybody else? I am so scared to be alone again that I am risking my overall mental health to be with this person. He can’t stop the drugs, I can’t stop loving him – two sides of this toxic coin that won’t stop spinning on the edge.

I feel like the whole world is rooting against me, I feel that God is punishing me for moving on from that ex-fiance whose heart I broke into a million pieces after he had gotten clean. What if I am not giving my current boyfriend the same chance I should have given that ex-fiance all those years ago? Is this a pattern that seems to have come full circle in my life?

I have been dying for love. My whole, damn life. I have never been loved like this before. Maybe it’s cause he’s an addict and is so desperate for love, that I find his desperation appealing. Maybe I am so damn desperate too, that I would believe anything he says.

I would love to walk away, say fuck it and let him deal with his own issues. But I can’t. I know things could be a whole lot worse because he could be an abuser, cheater or just downright misogynistic, but he’s not. He’s warm, loving, funny, and the man I want to marry, and who wants to marry me. But he can’t beat his addiction and my love isn’t enough. He just got out of rehab and hasn’t given himself a chance to be clean yet – they say it’s all about people, places and things, and I know his environment and the friends he hangs out with contributes to his weak resistance to his addiction.  I want to help him, I want to love him, but I feel so powerless that I can’t do anything for him.

Worst of all, I know everybody reading this will say, “just leave him,” like it’s the easiest thing in the world. It’s easy for ya’ll to judge me when you haven’t been in my shoes. I feel weak, pathetic and unworthy of a good man. I have been waiting my whole life to be loved the way he loves me, but unfortunately, he comes with his drug baggage that has destroyed my inner light inside.

I wish I could die.

This life is just too fucking hard.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey bipolar, Uncategorized

Nerves, Symptoms, & New Beginnings, Bipolar Doesn’t Have to Conquer You, You Can Conquer it.

me

It’s Sunday, and I still haven’t done my school assignments. Procrastination much? My boyfriend comes out of rehab Tuesday, and I am scared, excited, and nervous about that 3-hour drive upstate to get him. We’ve been through a lot in a short time, his extreme behavior battles with my extreme behavior both negatively and positively – and where most people would scoff and say our relationship is doomed – I am absolutely optimistic and know in my heart without a doubt that he is the man for me.

I’ve been doing well. After that last hospitalization (as traumatic as it was) was what I needed to jumpstart my life again after being dead and dormant for so many long miserable years. I’ve looked back on past blogs, and boy, was I fucked up. I spent nearly two decades drowning in alcohol, men online, dead-end jobs, and overall misery. Bipolar conquered me, the same way it defeats most people today. It’s the depression, it’s the mania, it’s the hopelessness that kills us every time – and when we finally are doing well, something Holy Unbelievable happens to destroy all the progress we’ve made. It’s this kind of destructive cycle that I had been faced with for all those years, and I think I have finally broken through all that horror.

Firstly, the key to my success is the right medication combination. I have admitted to myself that this combination of Respirdone, Lithium, and Seroquel will probably murder my organs by the time I reach 60, but there is really nothing I can do about it. I would rather have a full life in the next 20 years than live in misery and being symptomatic. This look at my ultimate mortality is what propels me even further, and makes me fully aware that because I have been taking these medications for so long, and my soon-to-be-husband is on just as much, we are probably both not going to live long. My goal is to enjoy every damn moment of life right frickin’ now.

I’ve also started working full-time and looking at a side business. I want to live comfortably, and I want to be happy, and I want my marriage with my man to reflect all that happiness in the short time that I have. I realize I may be overreacting and could very well live till 100, but I think the fact that I feel my life is limited, makes me appreciate every moment so much more.

Bipolar doesn’t have to conquer you – you can take that beauty, the thoughts and dreams you have in mania, and write it all down. Make art out it, create what the bipolar gift has given you, and enjoy your self-expression in new and exciting ways. I call it a bipolar gift because that’s precisely what it is – we see things others don’t, we experience realities differently than others, the rush and the excitement that we feel can’t compare to the most potent street drug and that high that people all over the world search for so much, we feel naturally because it is part of who we are.

Conquer the bipolar – go get that job, rip yourself from underneath the covers and sing, dance, or paint away all the pain.

My 40th birthday is coming in six months – I was just 24 when I was first diagnosed, and I lost 16 years in complete stupidness. Not anymore.

Stay tuned.

inspiredodyssey bipolar, Uncategorized

A New Year, A New Decade, And I am Trying My Hardest to Not Screw Up

20200101_153756

So this is me. I took a bunch of pictures today in an attempt to break out of my shell and put my best foot forward for the new year. The last ten years have been littered with failed relationships, horrible dates, hospitalizations, bipolar hell, oh, and NO SEX – excuse me but how does one go a DECADE without sex and remain sane??!! And, not to sound conceited, but I am one hot piece of ass, so why the drought you ask?

MEN SUCK.

Sorry dudes, but you do. The horror show of online dating is what I have to show for my 30s, which I am SO GLAD I am not bringing into my 40s. Giovanni ended my no sex drought with a fucking bang, literally, and he wholeheartedly wants to marry me without question. X marks the friggin spot, done and done! But back to my men suck comment. Sorry guys, I didn’t mean it. Not all you guys do. I have met a lot of you who are wading that dating pool who are just as frustrated as we are. Did I mention I was in a hot/cold kind of on and off relationship with my best friend during the last decade of no sex and headache? So yeah, I am no saint mary. BUT I want you to know that IF you are going into the new decade with hopes of finding love in the online dating world – the only advice I would give you is DON’T SWIPE.

Stop the swiping.

Stop it.

Just stop it.

Delete the app.

Coffee meets whoever Tinder said to replace this app with.

Delete it.

Stop it.

For the love of God, stop the damn swiping.

I have to admit I avoided the whole phone app dating process altogether.  I don’t know how I managed it, or in what universe I was in, but I left it alone. I did everything through the PC, oh and Reddit, the black hole of the internet.

So I guess in the world of dating is not what I meant by not screwing up in this new decade. I want a career. Like a real-life grown-up one. I am almost 40 and have been wishy-washy about what the hell I want to do with my life for God knows how long. I about to come into a new chapter in my life, I have a man who wants to spend his life with me, (with drug problems, Jesus it’s never easy), and my family is moving way down South ripping my security blanket right from under me. I have to learn to stand on my own two feet, which ironically came so damn easy for me in my early 20s except, HELLO in 2004 when I was just 24 at the height of my Accounting Career I got slapped with a bipolar diagnosis, hospitalized an INSANE amount of times before anyone got my medication right, therefore KILLING any real chance I ever had of becoming successful.

HOLY FAILURE AND DISAPPOINTMENT BATMAN.

It’s amazing, isn’t it? We can never have it all. I bet you out there somewhere, there is a multitude of AMAZING people, singles, DYING to be in a relationship with the job, apartment, pet, and sane mental health who just feel so alone. Here I am with a man who loves me SO unconditionally, completely, is SO handsome, and accepts me for everything, but I have NOTHING. NO money, no career. And then there are all the celebrities, who have friggin EVERYTHING, but can’t get it together at all. How the hell did Whitney Houston’s daughter’s ex-boyfriend just die of a heroin overdose at 30? Look, I am not saying kicking a drug habit is easy, I am fighting it now with Giovanni, and my alcohol addiction was FAR from pretty – but I don’t know why or how we get so sucked into all this shit. No wonder we fail and disappoint ourselves so much – between drugs, alcohol, doctors, medication and everything else that just kills us on the inside, how are we ever supposed to find success and happiness?

Well, ladies and gentlemen, for 2020 and the dawn of a new decade, I am going to try to find it.  Sober with my fiance – his ass better remain sober too.

I am going to DO IT.

AND SO ARE YOU.

Cheers to success in the new decade!!

 

 

 

inspiredodyssey bipolar, Uncategorized

Keeping it Together – Addiction and How Being in Love and Bipolar Sucks Horribly.

Drugs and Alcohol Addiction

Being away from Giovanni has been more than difficult. He NEEDS to be in rehab because things were falling apart, but what about my mental health? I have been falling apart fast and slow in the days he’s been gone, and with the aching in my chest, I am reconsidering my relationship with him.

Is this the right thing for me?

He has so many pluses in his favor. For one thing, out of all the men in my life, he has loved me the absolute most with such passion and desperate devotion that I have been looking for since I used to dream about Prince Charming when I was a kid.

Except Prince Charming didn’t do crack and cocaine.

FUCK.

The universe brought this man to me – in the worst of places – the psych ward – so I KNEW that he came with an unreasonable amount of baggage. He hid this addiction from me at first, in the fear that I would dump him because, in his eyes, I was the best kind of woman that he had ever been with – of course, I was – I ain’t no crack ho or street trash. I come from a good family, I am educated, and I am definitely employable – BUT I am a bipolar disaster with multiple hospitalizations and can’t hold a damn job for the life of me. So yes, I wasn’t a street ho, but I was still a mess – but to Giovanni, I was Lady Di compared to what he was used to.

In his own way, he was much better than I was used to as well – very attentive, sometimes overbearing, no desire to be online or play video games, has only eyes for me, and is just devoted in a way no man has ever been to me in my whole life. We are both bipolar, (he has some schitzo issues, but Invega shots take care of that), and we both were slammed together in the worst of situations. We are beautiful together, we even stay sober together because we don’t need any of that shit to enhance our relationship – the sex is better, WAY better sober anyway. It’s when I leave him and go home when the problems and the weakness to those street drugs happen because since he was abandoned to a Group Home – all that live there use all the time. He has endured a pattern of failure for a decade, almost as long as I have, and he turns to the drugs the way I used to drown in the bottle. My alcoholism was deep a few years ago- to the point where my mom found me passed out on the floor of the room and thought I overdosed on something – shit was bad.

I kicked my habit by pure willpower – and believe it or not, my parents AND the hospitalizations helped.  I was so tired of being a disappointment to my parents, and when I was in the hospital for months, I was just removed from the daily alcohol, and I just didn’t need it anymore. I am hoping by removing Giovanni from these drugs for a month will snap him out of it, even though his mom thinks he needs three months. Jesus, being away from him for three months, will absolutely KILL me, but if it’s for his sobriety, I will have to give in.

I didn’t want to date an addict. Hell no. But here I am.

It would be so easy to walk away from him if he was just his addiction – but he’s not, he’s so much more – He’s the man I love.

My bipolar madness better give it a rest until January 21st.

Stay Tuned.